The Midlife Sequel

The journey of spiritual transformation is rarely linear. It’s a process of peeling back layers, questioning long-held beliefs, and stepping into the unknown with fear and hope. I recently had the privilege of joining Wendi Gordon, a former pastor turned spiritual and mental health coach, for a live conversation in honor of International Women’s Day. We shared our experiences of shedding old identities, navigating uncertainty, and ultimately finding a deeper sense of self beyond traditional spiritual frameworks.

The Pain of Letting Go

Wendi and I understand the profound loss of stepping away from structured faith communities. For her, it was a forced departure from pastoral leadership when her evolving beliefs no longer aligned with institutional expectations. For me, it was a gradual unraveling that started in my early 50s, shifting away from the Catholic and Christian faith traditions that had shaped my life.

As Wendi said perfectly, “It would be nice if transformation were a linear uphill climb, where you reach the peak and never have doubts again. But it doesn’t work that way.” Letting go of old beliefs brings fear, grief, and confusion but also opens the door to something richer. This spirituality is personal, expansive, and deeply rooted in lived experience.

The Subtle Unraveling

For many of us, the unraveling of our faith isn’t sudden. It begins subtly—perhaps a lingering question, a moment that doesn’t sit right, or an experience that challenges the doctrine we’ve been taught. I remember when a member of my church suggested a yoga class, and leadership rejected it because of its connection to Eastern religions. I didn’t even question it at the time. I accepted it as truth, as I had been conditioned to do. Years later, I started asking myself: Why do I believe this? Who told me this was true? And what if they were wrong?

Wendi shared a similar experience, witnessing the contradictions in Christianity—how a faith rooted in love and inclusion could be used to justify exclusion and judgment. As a female pastor, she constantly had to push against the idea that women should submit to men, an ideology that runs deep in many religious traditions. Over time, she saw how these teachings weren’t just flawed but harmful.

The Loss of Community

One of the most complex parts of this transition is the loss of community. Church had provided me with structure, purpose, and connection. I loved Bible studies, serving, and being part of a faith family. When I stepped away, I lost that sense of belonging. The pandemic made it easier to slip away without confrontation, but the void was still there. Who was I without my church identity? Who were my people now?

Wendi’s loss was even more abrupt. She and her husband were forced out of their pastoral roles during COVID, with no chance to say goodbye to their congregation. They lost not only their church but their home, financial security, and community all at once. It was a stark reminder that institutions often prioritize doctrine and control over the well-being of their leaders and members.

Navigating the Anger

Many of us go through a phase of anger when we realize how deeply religious institutions have conditioned us. I was angry about the way women were taught to conform—to be good wives, to stay in marriages that weren’t serving them, to accept roles that kept them small. Wendi was angry at the hypocrisy she saw in churches, how people used scripture to justify harm, and the personal betrayal she experienced in her congregation.

But staying in that anger isn’t the goal. As Wendi shared, “I had to wrestle with not hating the haters in return. The real transformation is moving beyond what I’m against and stepping into what I’m for.” That shift—from dismantling old beliefs to actively creating a new spiritual foundation—is where the real growth happens.

Finding New Ground

So where do we land after deconstructing our old faith? For many of us, the answer isn’t another rigid belief system. It’s an openness to exploration. I’ve found healing in energy work, becoming a Reiki master, and exploring sound healing. Wendi has embraced a broader spirituality that includes wisdom from multiple traditions. We both agree that spiritual growth isn’t about replacing one set of rigid beliefs with another—it’s about expanding into something more profound, uniquely our own.

The Power of Community

Finding others who understand is one of the most healing aspects of this journey. Wendi recently led a spiritual support group, where people could share experiences without fear of judgment. Many participants admitted they had never spoken openly about their spiritual doubts or experiences, fearing rejection. The relief of being seen, heard, and accepted was profound.

I’ve found that same sense of belonging here on Substack, where deep, thoughtful conversations can happen outside the noise of social media. People are craving spaces where they can be real, where they don’t have to filter their spiritual evolution through a lens of “acceptable” beliefs. That’s why conversations like the one Wendi and I had are so meaningful.

What Needs to Die to Be Reborn?

One of the questions we explored in our conversation was: What needs to die in order to be reborn? My answer? The illusion of a linear, predictable life. The belief that if we follow all the rules, everything will work out as planned. That illusion kept me trapped for years, trying to be the “good Christian woman,” the perfect wife, the person who did everything right. When I let go of that script, I found freedom.

Wendi shared a similar realization: “What needed to die for me was the illusion of certainty and control.” She had spent years believing that she would be safe if she worked hard, stayed faithful, and followed the path laid out for her. But life doesn’t work that way. True spiritual freedom comes when we release the need for certainty and learn to trust ourselves.

A Vision for Change

As we closed our conversation, Wendi shared a poem she wrote, inspired by a visualization exercise. One part stood out to me:

We gather around the fire. Strangers become friends. We laugh and cry together. There is room for everyone. Our differences don’t matter. We form a circle that cannot be broken unless we choose to let others into it.

This is the essence of spiritual evolution—not a solitary journey, but a communal one. We find each other as we shed old identities and step into the unknown. We create new circles of belonging, built not on dogma but on deep, authentic connection.

If you’re walking this path, know that you are not alone. There is a place for you here and a future waiting to be created—not from fear but from love.

Join me for my next live video in the app.