I probably fight because I didn't feel safe.

Are we the only animal that isn't born knowing how to protect itself?

Here's a thought.

I have finally become the father I would want to be for you.

Ironic.

Today I woke up from a dream.

I thought I knew how to fight, I found out I didn't

I am remaking myself.

You would love this.

Ironic.

In this document, I bring together my studies in shamanism, psychology,, religion, prehistory and archeology and process the material through my personal work with grief and ancient healing rituals that use entheogens.

I composed all the music but for a few sound effects and quoutes. I like to think of these pieces as dreamscapes, that allow for a broad pallet to explore difficult emotions. Use headphones.

Thank you to my Profesor and advisor. Mark S.

Thank you so much for sharing this journey. I share a primal fear and two dreams in this episode.

I feel like he's playing the guitar sometimes, thru me. Same thing with training, it's an altered state, a symbolic language of human geometry. Don't give up.

I share a book that laid on my night stand for 2 months annd then opened my mind to a new and yet ancient worldview. A see a path.

And I weave in a few standards for fun. Enjoy

What I would tell my son if he were alive. I imagine a radical art project. I can't seem to talk about the training.

I don't trust the system. How did we get here.

He's is at the bottom, what can I do?

Did I push you too much?

Pythagoaras was murdered by a mob.

How do I undo me?

After my son died, I became aware of an inner life that I'd hidden from myself.

At points I was certainly experiencing an altered state, I went in and out for weeks and months of catatonic moments and welcomed them to the waking-reality of my son's overdose death.

I make these episode to reflect the delirium of an inner state, reflecting my subconcious.

Having experienced profound altered states, I wonder if I could drum myself into a trance, from waking to dreaming.

I had a breakthru in my training after many weeks of pressure. I play tomorrow night. Every gig is important.

Miss you son.

I'm heading into the serious portion of this semester of a masters program.

Lot's to read and consider. I'm concentrating on Shamanism, from the archeological, material and anthropological perspective for a while and then shifting to more experimental approaches.

My second focus is on fighting competancy and all that implies and entails.

In addition to training, I'm reading inspiring books (Touching the Void). Everyday I'm pushed to my limit in search of honesty, efficientcy and good strategy.

I am humbled by my living-experience.

Thanks for reading.

I try to explain my current horizon.

looking forward across an unknown.

My teachers have found me, more will follow.

I love making the music for this, the sonic element helps my use words.

I want to understand.

How do I do that?

thank you

It's been 18 months since my last release. I needed time to come into my new mindset.

My experience in the Amazon has been profoundly transformative and the well-being overall has not left me. I still grieve, but in a different way.

I can describe it as a living Conversation with my son. Trippy.

I'm 2/3rds thru a masters degree using a cross-disciplinary approach to grieving and self-recovery. Amazingly, I've been greenlighted to integrate my somatic work in MMA, Jazz guitar, Shamanic studies and Stoic philosophy using my body mind as the laboratory.

I miss you son.

I feel it's time for me to move on.

I have forgiven my son with all my heart.

It's deeper than that, we've reconciled.

isn't that strange?

It is for me. I had a profound mystical experience.

I know I will grieve him all my life, but there's a twist now.

Please accept my deepest gratitude for your ears, mind and heart.

I don't know what's next. Who does?

I'll train you, we'll give it away.

You are a good father, we're beyond that.

I forgive you with all my being.

You are me.

How can this be?