'Everything is a win when the goal is to experience.' Done framing the narrative as failing when it’s about living.

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I was having one of those days where the luteal phase officially turned me into a couch potato. All I wanted to do was watch independent filmmakers and eat.

So, I found myself deep diving into TUBI originals — inspired by the courage it takes to tell stories with talent that often lack mainstream visibility yet so valuable to entertainment. And, in the midst I was interrupted with another six-part series of ads feeling like I was back-in-the-day using cable. Don’t get me started on the antenna!

Anywho! I heard this melody that sounded very familiar. As I looked up I recognized the tune from the commercial I auditioned for some months prior. I went into hyper-focused, study mode.

Would I have matched the look of the actors selected? I guess I didn’t fit the image because the on-camera choices they’re making definitely look pretty similar to my submission. What the heck? Am I not good enough to be apart of something running nationally?

More thoughts trickled in as I was reminded of all the auditions I’ve been up for lately, being so close, only to meet closed doors.

Most recently, I submitted 3 different self-tapes with two callbacks for a role in an upcoming Netflix series. That began to weigh heavy on my mind again. This time, not rejection (been there, done that). I was wrestling deeply with discouragement.

It’s hard to receive encouragement when you could easily quote what someone is going to say before it even comes out of their mouth. “Your time will come.” “Maybe they’re still figuring out casting.” “If not this one, surely the next!” “Keep focusing on you.” “Don’t wait for an opportunity, make one!” And so on.

Don’t get me wrong. Those voices absolutely matter. But, what does it look like to have self-talk one can actually trust? No false positivity. No self-protection rooted in ego. No self-deprecation. No wishful thinking. No offense. Just good ol’ faith.

I am currently practicing stillness instead of rushing or numbing out of a challenging feeling. I’ve learned to embrace the discomfort but release before despair creeps in.

Say it with me: It’s okay to really want something, have hope and intention for it, talk it up, but not get it. We’re human and that’s life.

And so what if people see! Frame it as failure or frame it as experience. Your choice!

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In order to renew a performance-driven mindset, I am learning to welcome grace and its friend, compassion. There is grace to be wrong. Self-compassion for when the vision doesn’t play out as planned. Criticism would love to take its place.

Feel the letdown but eventually let it go. That is constructive.

Sometimes I’m tempted to feel like I need to make something of disappointment. You know? Like, “Turn your pain into purpose.” “If it didn’t prosper, pivot.” “Blaze your own trail.”

This time I don’t want to. There is nothing to prove.

I am still talented. I am still passionate. I still want to be an actor. I still want to be a storyteller.

I don’t know if my life is supposed to be mass-produced. It may be someone else’s identity I’ve adopted. I have to continue declaring my audience will come. The resources I currently lack to tell the kind of stories I dream of will meet me on the journey. I believe it. But for now, I will keep capturing the process. The no’s. The progress of regaining confidence. The losses and wins. The rehearsal period. The evolution of hoping to be picked to choosing myself. The growth.

The timing of me seeing the commercial wasn’t to get me down. It was motivation to get off the couch and be consistent in what does make sense in this season. Though I don’t understand how or when things will shift for me, I will be grateful for this time to continue developing.

I hope you reframe your disappointments and remember there are appointed times for you. Until kairos occurs, sit in exactly the spot you’re positioned. Pause. Rest. Breathe. Be.

Daily reminder: You are enough.

Oh no! Wait. Here comes an interrupting thought. “Your time will come.”

Ahh that voice again! Breathe in. Breathe out. NO. It’s not about a future moment signifying worth. The achievement starts now. The reward is accepting today as is with expectation the dots will connect.

You and I are many chapters. As long as there is breath, the pages are still being filled. Enjoy the details.

Note to self: You don’t need a role to realize you’re starring in the best film yet. Your life.

May it be heard and well-respected one day. Who knows. Maybe someone will be witnessing it from their living room too.

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