A reflection on choosing marriage with intention, not pressure.
--
“Who you choose to marry is one of the most important decisions of your life.”
I heard this a lot growing up, especially when I moved to the Bible Belt South. I look back, smile, and cringe at my 16-year-old interpretation of this. Yeah . . . She definitely romanticized the meaning of sacrament.
GROOMED FOR A GROOM
Shaped by church, purity culture, and chick flicks — little miss Kiara was determined to do everything possible to become a Mrs.
She spent hour-long, prayer walks with a childhood friend and nearly summoned all of heaven for this ‘future husband’.
Oh! Trust and believe . . . She was gon’ be somebody’s wife.
FLASHBACK TO MAY 25, 2017
I stood in a hallway filled with screaming seniors, erupting into a newfound freedom. Each of us held the golden ticket — a high school diploma. There was a sweet aroma of naivety about the real world to come, as a taste of adulthood lingered in the air.
I was so proud of the threshold I crossed. It was literally a dream come true. This E-town outsider finally found her voice, respect, and belonging in an Augusta bubble. To the community of John S. Davidson Fine Arts Magnet School, thank you.
After a blur of cap-and-gown photos with family and friends, I finally parted ways with my classmates and headed to an intimate graduation celebration.
As my loved ones and I celebrated the moment, I was gifted a surprise. This wasn’t just a party. It was an abstinence ceremony sealing my commitment to covenant before college. Innocently, I accepted. With guardrails in place, I took on another virtue of promise — meant for God but made to people. Can you guess how many times I beat myself up when I failed my end of the oath?
Having a standard saved me a lot of heartache, but it didn’t help the shame I felt when singleness was confusing and frustrating. I was often unaware of how that season was a blessing in plain sight.
BLINDSPOTS
Instead of learning and gaining personal experience, I listened to influencer preachers glorifying marriage above all. The message shouted, “In order to be a kingdom woman you must submit to a kingdom man!” What did I take away from that? Well, maybe I was doing a pretty awful job because I was attracting horny, deceptive boys as a gullible, needing-womanly-guidance girl. But wait! I met them in the church contexts (well some), so what was the problem? I can answer that now.
* A lot of young girls are being “prepared to be a partner” to boys who are simply not.
* Religious spaces tend to hide the reality of relationships.
* In a nutshell, instead of being put on game — I was being played!
FAST FORWARD THROUGH COLLEGE YEARS
To sum it up, I was naive when it came to dating. There were lessons to live.
Eventually, I met a young, lusty, loving boy who, despite our trial and error, was the one that made sense. The thing that stood out most was that we kept choosing each other — messily and imperfectly, but still willing to stay and evolve together. The relationship had its funky moments, the ones that come from young adults definitely figuring themselves out. You know — immature-YN things. Okay!
So we reached out to elders and trusted voices when we got stuck or made mistakes. Their advice didn’t fix everything, but it made us pause and notice patterns. Gradually, we learned to handle boundaries and communicate more clearly.
Somehow, I thought our mutual dedication might be the key to unconditional love — and its capacity. Very few people can hold that much energy and space, yet he could. Once he did, he settled right there, in my core. My heart adopted a permanent resident. Like, feet-on-the-couch, opening-the-fridge-without-asking level of presence. Very comfortable, always welcomed.
We cannot deny where home is even if we wanted to.
Ara's Archives is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
GROWTH AND LESSONS
After two years . . . I became his fiancé then some months later his wife.
Here’s the thing — as beautiful and life-giving marriage is, I can’t switch off the inner world. Love doesn’t replace the work of becoming. Recently, I realized a need to reframe the role of a woman and reclaim my own sense of purpose.
Yes, I still value the Christian lens of a union. I also know the exegesis out there isn’t a one-size-fits-all. I’ve come to a deeper understanding: no matter how ‘holy’ or ‘sanctified’ you are, how much premarital counseling you’ve done, or how many accountability partners you depend on — or how seemingly ‘perfect’ your courtship is — a relationship is only as strong as two, healthy people who build themselves and fortify their bond. Growth deserves reciprocation and shouldn’t be up for negotiation.
If one pillar is cracked, the structure wobbles. Each person is a pillar.
Most of the effort begins with returning inward. Combining life with someone can change priorities, but it doesn’t have to mean self-erasure.
Both partners can develop as individuals while staying committed to the team.
Regardless of gender, we should be grounded in self-love and confidence before sharing it with someone else. Partnership doesn’t have to convince a woman that her entire essence exists in relation to a spouse and vice versa.
Whether or not you choose matrimony, I hope your decision is guided by purpose, not pressure. May the promises you make honor yourself. May you discover love and connection in many forms. And may you find peace on whichever path unfolds for you.
Today, we move in wholeness, not in need.
ADDITIONAL REMARKS AND REFLECTION
I want to thank the older women and men in my life who are so incredibly generous with their wisdom. I am grateful to learn through you all’s openness and transparency.
As I reflect, I want to honor my father and mother. Thank you for raising me with exposure to various perspectives on family, friendship, individuality, and partnership. I value both of your counsel and direction. I appreciate the girl you imprinted and for accepting the woman I am designing.
To my husband:
I love you and celebrate the man you’re becoming. I praise your growth.
And yes, I am still praying for you.
Get full access to Ara's Archives at arasarchives.substack.com/subscribe
