Sometimes I question if it's delusion or destiny. This is a reflection on being close to breakthrough but not yet striking gold. How long should we hang on?

--

The dream . . . no matter how much I bury it —

it

will

not

D

I

E.

What is taking so long? What am I doing wrong?

What am I missing? What do I lack?

Can I please get a sign that I’m not chasing a lie?

Is my inner child being scammed into believing in a “big break”?

Why does my heart break at the thought of my true desire?

I keep forcing myself to “surrender” but it feels like a people-pleasing way of saying, “Actually, I’m giving up.”

For as long as I can remember I dreamed of being in the entertainment industry.

I went to a performing arts high school, started college pursuing theatre and finished with a communication degree. The day I graduated I booked a role in a movie called Praise This. Naively, I thought, “Oh wow! This is my break!” Only to realize majority of the speaking lines I had didn’t make it past the cutting floor. As an actor aiming to build credibility and a reel, it was tough.

Did I give a bad performance? Was I not good enough? All echoed in my brain. I felt I had something to prove, especially when people I collaborated with before applauded then jabbed. “How come they only gave you like two lines?” Do you not understand how hard it was to make it to this point? I felt belittled. This sparked ego and another layer of unhealthy obsession with overachievement.

I was grateful for the experience but I couldn’t help wanting more opportunities to showcase my talent.

I wrestled a lot with imposter syndrome during that time while being mesmerized a small-town girl like me made it to a Universal Studios set.

Following the premiere, I coasted off the hype of working with well-known talent everyday for 3+ months. I packaged the story enough to open other doors, using the buzz to connect with a local arts community. I directed shows and taught drama workshops. I thought I was doing what felt right but the visionary in me got choked out.

Honestly, I thought I’d go farther than my feet landed. There I was, filled with passion and expectation only to be sent back to an environment that did not match my timeline nor the version of myself I imagined in my head.

* I don’t see myself being background or profiting off someone else’s light for the sake of exposure. I have too much to say, contribute, and influence.

* Being associated with higher level people doesn’t guarantee you’re actually heard. I’d rather have belonging and respect than clout. People flocked as quickly as they disappeared.

* Done are the days of playing small. It got me nowhere in the long run.

In the midst of my artistic endeavors, I entered corporate America. I balanced both the dreamer and the business woman. I got paid a great deal from the film plus a salary that helped me achieve my personal student loan, debt repayment plan. I worked three jobs to pay it all off in 6 months. I was determined to have financial independence. I realized I did not want to depend on my art alone. I wanted to be free to create without worry of how it’ll pay my bills. Creating from desperation is stifling.

I was living the 8 to 5 working adult life by day and grinding creatively at night. I poured a lot into the youth, so much that my cup was emptied. I began to neglect my own craft trying to help others build theirs. I was no longer running over. My well of aspiration dried up.

Drained, I eventually removed myself from spaces. Went into isolation. Focused on cultivating other areas of my life.

In the process, I was led to a rebirth. Yet, the shedding and evolution never took away my longing.

I sometimes feel delusional for hanging on to hope because reality isn’t lining up. However, is it possible I have managed to remain in alignment?

The journey has taken some turns. But, what if I’m still in route?

Opportunities that once came at an overwhelming pace now seem few, far, and in between. I try to capitalize off every moment just to meet a dead end.

Still, I keep creating in my spare time. Making music despite being rejected the collaboration support I desire. Taking myself through artist development and rediscovering my why. Connecting with those that really love me. Embracing the holistic guidance of my mentor. Valuing the depths of lived experience. Auditioning whenever I can. Feeling deeply and healing gradually. All while hoping my art catches up.

My soul cries, “Please don’t let this be all there is!”

Fear arises time to time. I get scared. I don’t find it useful to pretend I don’t. Am I hanging onto potential? What if I’m lost! Did I miss the path? Only time will tell.

So, here’s to another day of patience.

I’m not ready to let go. Are you?

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