Welcome to The Nonlinear Library, where we use Text-to-Speech software to convert the best writing from the Rationalist and EA communities into audio. This is: Dating Roundup #1: This is Why You're Single, published by Zvi on August 29, 2023 on LessWrong.
Developments around relationships and dating have a relatively small speed premium, so I figured I would wait until I had a full post worth of them.
Indeed I now present such a post, in which I present several theories as to why so many of you might still be single.
While I am my usual opinionated self, I am not going to be offering a section of my list of related Good Advice. That would be its own project, which may or may not happen at some time in the future. There is still much in the way of practical implications or implied advice throughout.
You're Single Because You're Not Even Trying
A 2022 sample of singles is out, and charts are available, so that seems like a good place to start. None of this is properly representative or anything. It's still good data.
It is reasonable for a quarter of singles to not want a relationship for whatever reason. What is not so reasonable is for the vast majority of those who do want one to not be making any attempt at finding one.
It is not always the case that if you want a relationship and you don't have one, you should be actively looking for one. It is definitely not he case two-thirds of the time that you want a relationship that it is not worth actively looking.
The situation is getting worse.
This is usually not a question you want to leave to fate. If you want, go seek and you might find. If you do not want, or do not seek, you probably don't get.
This is what not dating looks like.
Assuming as Alexander does that the No Response are the 0s above, this says that almost no currently single people, less than 20%, go on multiple first dates in a year.
I am not saying that dating is easy or that I found it to be easy. I will go ahead and say it is not once-a-year level hard for most people to find worthwhile first dates.
What I especially find curious is that one is the most popular response rather than zero. It would make sense to me that the answer is frequently zero dates, because you are not trying and aren't 'date ready' in various senses. What's super weird is that the vast majority did go on the one first date, but mostly they didn't go on a second, and only half of those went on a third. It is as if people are capable of getting a date, then they go on one and recoil in 'oh no not that again' horror for about a year, then repeat the cycle? Or their friends set them up every year or so because it's been too long, or something? None of that makes sense to me.
Alternatively, what the data is also saying is that getting a first date is indeed the primary barrier to finding a relationship. If you went on four or more first dates in the past year, which is one every three months or ~1% of nights, then it is highly unlikely you are single.
There is the stereotype of the person (usually but not always a woman) who goes on dates constantly, finding an endless string of losers. The data here suggests that this essentially is not a thing, or that if you do that it works.
Dating app use is surprisingly small even now.
The above seems very much like a world of people who are not trying. The 17% rate of using dating apps roughly corresponds to the percentage of people trying at all.
Polyamory is not a popular ideal sexual relationship (note this adds to 71%).
There is more analysis but the big lesson seems very clear - people who are single have mostly opted out or at least are very much not trying.
Causation could however go either way. If no one single is trying, that could be because everyone who tries will succeed. Or it could be because a lot of people are doomed to failure if they try, and they have learned this so they stopped trying.
Alexander also has another thread with great data, and this jumped out there.
That is rather i...