Welcome to The Nonlinear Library, where we use Text-to-Speech software to convert the best writing from the Rationalist and EA communities into audio. This is: How to Support Someone Who is Struggling, published by David Zeller on March 11, 2023 on LessWrong.
[Crossposted from my blog]
There’s no shortage of pain, tragedy and loss in the world. And if you’re anything like me, you don’t always know how to be helpful when a loved one is going through the worst of it.
Over the past few years, I’ve been trying to get better at that.
I’ve read a couple dozen therapy textbooks, I’ve done four hundred or so hours of client-centered counselling, and I’ve been in a handful of other official and unofficial helping roles. By no means am I an expert, but I sure know more than I used to.
For my first blog post, I wanted to write something that past-me might have found helpful when he started stumbling through it all. In time, there’s so much more that I want to say on the art of supporting others. But for now...
Here are four fundamentals for helping someone who’s having a rough time:
1 - Simply listen. It helps far more than most of us expect.
When a catastrophe happens, it can change the whole landscape of one’s world. The tectonic plates shift, things break, and everything comes to look bewilderingly different to how it did before.
In the aftermath, we may have no good choice other than to stop, watch the buildings fall, and slowly map out this strange new world we’re in. Perhaps only then we can move forward.
Unfortunately, processing such big changes purely in one’s own head is. hard. Thoughts are ephemeral and it’s easy to think in circles, to get stuck, to have blind spots, to ruminate.
This is where listening comes in. A good listener can be of much help with that working through process. Patiently, the listener can keep track of where a conversation is getting stuck, gently bring up the things that are being avoided or missed, help bring attention towards what is most important, and bring a genuine sense of connection that makes all the bad stuff a little easier to bear.
As simple as it seems, having someone there to just listen may be exactly what the person in front of you needs.
2 - Rather than focusing on the bright side, sit with the other person’s real feelings.
This next point comes straight from Brené Brown. I’ve been shown the same video of her so many times in different training courses that I’m starting to get Stockholm syndrome. All the same, what it says is important.
Often when we’re trying to support another person, we try to get them to focus on the bright side. Standing separately from the other’s experience, we attempt to offer them silver linings.
“You may have failed this class. but at least your other grades are good.”
“Your partner left you. but at least you’re free to find someone who’ll treat you better.”
“You may have a disease with no cure. but at least there are lots of scientists working to find new treatments.”
People use these silver linings with the intention to help the other person view their situation in a more positive light. Unfortunately, in most cases, this does not end up bringing them any relief.
When you’re going through a tough time, talking to someone who only focuses on the nicer aspects of your bad situation most often just feels disorienting. This happens because, at some level, you’re being told that your problems are not as bad as you think they are. Instead of feeling reassured, you feel like your grip on reality is being questioned. The good intentions get lost in translation.
Luckily, there’s an alternative that really does let us bring some relief to others’ suffering: Empathy.
Rather than try to look on the bright side, it’s helpful to sit with the other person in their pain. To attempt to really understand, at an emotional level, the whole landscape of what they’re going through. When we manage to do this, it brings a genuine sense of connection, and a feeling that one doesn...