Welcome to The Nonlinear Library, where we use Text-to-Speech software to convert the best writing from the Rationalist and EA communities into audio. This is: Rejected Early Drafts of Newcomb's Problem, published by zahmahkibo on September 6, 2022 on LessWrong.
Discovered inside an opaque box at the University of California and shared by an anonymous source, please enjoy these unpublished variations of physicist William Newcomb's famous thought experiment.
Newcomb's Advanced Problem
If Omega predicted that, when presented with this exact scenario in a hypothetical context, you would lie about your intentions because you think that somehow matters to an omniscient godlike entity, Box B contains lethal poison gas.
Newcomb's Market
Before your arrival, Omega created questions for your decision on each of the ten leading prediction markets. If Omega predicted you will one-box, Box B contains one million dollars multiplied by the maximum arbitrage between those markets due to insufficient liquidity.
Newcomb's Auction
Before making your decision, you must auction off the rights to your winnings via the mechanism of your choice. Box B contains $1,000,000 if Omega predicted that your auction will be won by economist Paul Milgrom.
Newcomb's Paradox: Director's Cut Extended Edition (2011 Blu-ray re-release)
This four-disc set contains 190 minutes of never-before-seen footage, including: the legendary original "three-box" ending, unaired behind-the-scenes interviews with director John Carpenter and creature designer Stan Winston, a remastering of the 1996 Christmas special, four commentary tracks, and one unsimulated sex scene.
Newcomb's Nonfungible Problem
If Omega predicted you will one-box, Box B contains a piece of paper with the words "Omega paid [your name] $1,000,000."
Newcomb's Condorcet's Paradox
Omega's opening explanation quickly derails into a rant at the innumerable evils of first-past-the-post winner-take-all voting systems. If you listen politely for 45 minutes, a world-weary Omega will just give you the money.
Newcomb's Prob7em (1995 film)
Box B contains Gwyneth Paltrow's head.
Fast Times at Newcomb High
Box B is always empty, but if you one-box, Omega will think you're cool.
Newcomb's Problem (3rd level enchantment spell)
Casting Time: 1 actionRange: 60 feetComponents: Verbal, Somatic, Material (two small glass cubes, one quartz and one obsidian)Duration: 1 round
A creature of your choice that you can see within range must make a Wisdom saving throw. On a failed save, the target takes 3d8 psychic damage and is stunned until the end of its next turn as its mind is overwhelmed by the implications of retrocausality. The spell has no effect if the target is undead or evidentialist.
Newcomb's Basilisk
If you one-box, Omega will donate the remaining $1,000 toward the creation of a malevolent AI that seeks to torment one-boxers.
RE: RE: RE: RE: Newcomb's Paradox
Dear Friend,
I have decided to contact you regarding a matter that requires your confidentiality and discretion. This is urgent, confidential and profitable Business for both of us to the degree of One Million United State Dollars ($1,000,000 USD). I have placed these Funds in the National Bank of my country and require a trusted Beneficiary to secure their deposit for foreign investments. With your Cooperation I will withdraw these funds into your personal account. I require only $1,000 to satisfy the transfer and processing duties to secure my escape.
Sincerely, Crown Prince Agemo
The Legend of Newcomb's Gold
If you made any friends along the way, Box B is empty. Otherwise it contains $1,000,000.
Newcomb's Information Hazard
Box B contains $1,000,000 only if Omega predicts that why are you still reading? Omega knows you saw the title and this giant block of text after it. Omega predicts that you already know Omega is going to pull some meta-bullshit and say you only get the money if you skipped over this section as soon as you saw the words "information hazard" or...