Welcome to The Nonlinear Library, where we use Text-to-Speech software to convert the best writing from the Rationalist and EA communities into audio. This is: Greyed Out Options, published by ozymandias on April 4, 2022 on LessWrong.
Imagine that life is a choose-your-own adventure game.
In any moment, you have literally millions of options. At the moment I’m typing this, I could change the tab to innumerable websites, I could read any of the hundreds of books in my house, I could make myself a snack of olives, I could stand up and see how far I could jump, I could pet a cat, I could walk into my best friend’s bedroom and call them an idiot, and so on and so forth.
But, most of the time, we only think of a menu of a few dozen options—sometimes much fewer. The rest are sort of grayed out.
To a large extent, this is a good thing. Most of the options theoretically available at any given moment are very stupid. (Just ask anyone with intrusive thoughts—yes, brain, I understand I could put the lightbulb in my mouth, stop bringing it up!) But I think it’s important to think about the ways that grayed out options limit our behavior.
You can go outside in pajamas. It isn’t illegal. No one will stop you. Most of the time, no one will even comment. Sure, you might run into someone you know, but in many cities that’s not going to happen, and anyway they’re likely to assume you have a stomach flu or otherwise have some perfectly good reason for running around in pajamas. You’re unlikely to face any negative consequences whatsoever.
But when I’ve suggested this to people, they tend to object not because they have no particular reason to go places in pajamas (pajamas are very comfortable) but because people don’t do that. It’s just not on the list of available options. If you did, you’d probably feel anxious and maybe even ashamed, because it’s genuinely hard to do something that people don’t do.
To be clear, I’m not suggesting that you should go places wearing pajamas! I don’t. I’m suggesting that you consider thoughtfully which of your options are grayed out and why.
Here are some other grayed-out options I’ve observed among people I’ve met:
Starting a conversation with a stranger.
Asking someone out.
Eating at a restaurant alone.
Walking alone at night (especially if you’re female or were raised female).
Writing a novel or a blog post.
Drawing a picture.
Submitting your writing to a publisher.
Emailing a professor to ask a question about their discipline.
Making a pull request on Github.
Editing Wikipedia.
Writing a computer program to fix a problem you have or automate a piece of work you have to do often.
Starting a recurring event like a bookclub or a meetup.
Throwing a party.
Complaining to customer service.
Opening up a broken machine and poking around in there to see if something obvious is wrong.
Googling your problem.
Negotiating your salary.
Researching a topic of interest on Google Scholar.
Doing parkour on walls etc that you find on your walk.
Planting potato eyes etc and getting food from them.
Talking to a famous person.
Singing in public.
Transitioning.
Dating people of the same gender.
Talking openly with your partner about your relationship needs.
Traveling the world and crashing on various friends’ couches instead of having a house.
Cutting off your family.
Being out about something stigmatized (your disability, your sexual orientation, your religion, your hobbies.).
Asking for your unusual preferences to be accommodated (by service workers or by people you know).
Different people have different grayed-out options, and I think this is actually a really common reason that people behave differently from each other. The reason that I write blog posts and other people don’t is not that I’m good at writing and they’re not; it’s that writing a blog post about something I’m thinking about is on my action menu and it’s not on theirs.
Some grayed-out options just don’t occur to you (like eating a lightbulb, if you are more ble...