Monogamy is a contract: friendship, intimacy and sex. When one stops, that contract gets broken. So what makes it acceptable to opt out of intimacy with your partner? In this raw and honest conversation, Elliot and Lottie Passell-Syms explore the grief, loss and identity crisis that follows when sex disappears from a relationship, and ask the difficult question: should you give him sex?
This episode delves into the complexities of desire, power dynamics and the real reasons couples stop connecting physically. We discuss why women often lose desire first, what men are actually asking for when they initiate sex, and how refusing intimacy can become a weapon that erodes the foundation of your relationship.
Drawing on insights from relationship experts including Esther Perel's work on attachment models and David Snarch's concepts of heart-syncing connection, we explore how our relationship patterns shift depending on who we're with, and why understanding these dynamics is crucial for maintaining intimacy.
What You'll Learn:
• Why communication is the foundation of intimacy, not just sex • The devastating impact of withholding sex for months or years • What men really want when they ask for sex (it's not what you think) • How vulnerability and emotional connection fuel physical intimacy • The role of power and control in sexual refusal • Why "just have a few drinks and have sex" advice destroys relationships • Practical exercises to rebuild intimacy, starting with the Yab Yum pose • How family of origin patterns shape your sexual dynamics • The biological and emotional benefits of regular intimacy.
Chapters:
00:00 Understanding Desire and Intimacy
03:13 The Impact of Withholding Sex
05:58 Men's Perspectives on Sex and Vulnerability
09:00 Communication as the Foundation of Intimacy
11:50 Negotiating Sexual Dynamics in Relationships
15:01 The Role of Power in Withholding Sex
17:52 Rebuilding Intimacy Through Connection
21:11 Practical Exercises for Couples: The Yab Yum Pose
23:59 The Complexity of Relationships and Personal Growth
About Our Guest:
Lottie Passell-Syms is a psychosexual and relationship therapist qualified in CBT and hypnotherapy. She specializes in relationship difficulties, stress, anxiety, intimacy and infidelity recovery, helping couples navigate the most challenging aspects of their partnerships.
Key Takeaways:
"Monogamy is a contract: friendship, intimacy and sex. When one stops, that contract gets broken."
"Choose your choices. You're not single. You chose this relationship."
"Sex is good for us: brain, body and soul. The oxytocin lasts for 14 days. Why are we wasting it?"
If you're in a relationship where intimacy has disappeared, this episode offers honest insights and practical tools to rebuild connection. The work requires effort, vulnerability and a willingness to hold up the mirror and ask yourself: why am I opting out, and how is it impacting my partner?
Related Episodes:
• Can I Be Me With You? Vulnerability in Relationships • The Relationship MOT: Holding Yourself Accountable • I Before We: Building a Relationship with Yourself First
Work With Us:
Interested in couples therapy or our PlayBook course for therapists?
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