Infidelity, Sexless & Tough Conversations | The Paradox of Change Podcast

This week Elliot and Geri explore the emotional challenges many face during the Christmas and New Year holidays,  particularly focusing on grief, family dynamics, and the increase in domestic violence.
The discussion highlights coping strategies, the importance of support systems, and the need for self-care during this time. It emphasises the significance of reaching out for help and finding ways to connect with others, even amidst personal struggles. In this conversation, Elliot Burgess discusses the complexities of family dynamics during the holiday season, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries, practicing empathy, and investing quality time with loved ones. He highlights the challenges posed by social media and the need for mindfulness in interactions, particularly when navigating difficult family relationships. The discussion also touches on the significance of creating a peaceful environment and the importance of self-care during this often stressful time of year.

takeaways
If you can't set a boundary, think about self-care.
Grief is a significant issue during the holidays.
Family dynamics can create additional stress.
Domestic violence often increases during the festive period.
It's important to recognise the signs of distress in others.
Coping strategies include reaching out for help.
Self-care is crucial during emotionally charged times.
Celebrating lost loved ones can be a way to cope with grief.
Giving back can provide a sense of purpose.
Connection with others can help alleviate feelings of loneliness. I try not to compare myself to others.
Let them, if they're giving a hard time.
Setting boundaries can be challenging during the holidays.
It's important to rise above conflicts.
We need to have healthy conversations without conflict.
Everyone is trying to do their best, even if it doesn't seem that way.
Social media can negatively impact family gatherings.
Investing in quality time with children is crucial.
Creating a peaceful environment is essential for mental health.
It's okay to choose not to be around certain family members.


Get in touch with:
* Geri here: https://gericarey.com/
* the POC team https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

Sound Bites
"Guilt around the gifts."
"It's about setting boundaries."
"I'm enough."
"Let them."
"It's about boundaries."
"Pick your battles."
"It's a tough time of year."
"It's just a meal, it'll pass."
"Investing in peace."
"It's about doing enough."
Chapters
00:00
Navigating Holiday Challenges
09:58
Coping with Grief During the Holidays
19:51
Support Systems and Resources for Domestic Violence
29:49
Finding Connection and Purpose During Difficult Times
28:28
Navigating Family Dynamics
32:34
Empathy and Understanding in Family Interactions
35:32
The Impact of Social Media on Family Gatherings
37:57
Investing in Quality Time with Children
40:52
Creating a Peaceful Holiday Environment
44:59

How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

This week, Elliot and Lottie explore the complexities of relationships, (can we be friends with ex lovers) focusing on themes of heartache, the importance of friendships, and the impact of childhood experiences on adult connections. They discusses the significance of letting go, the role of inner child work, and the necessity of building trust in relationships. Then emphasizing the value of authenticity and vulnerability in friendships and romantic partnerships, while also addressing the challenges posed by social media in maintaining genuine connections.


Takeaways

Clients often struggle with letting go of past relationships.

Friendships can be as significant as romantic relationships.

Childhood experiences shape our understanding of relationships.

It's important to reflect on family dynamics and upbringing.

Inner child work can aid in healing past wounds.

Trust in relationships takes time and consistency to rebuild.

True friendship is characterized by unconditional support.

Social media can create a false sense of connection.

Investing in friendships requires effort and vulnerability.

Authenticity is key to maintaining healthy relationships.


Keywords
heartache, friendships, relationships, letting go, inner child, family dynamics, trust, self-discovery, social media, vulnerability

Chapters

00:00 Navigating Heartache and Letting Go

02:51 The Importance of Friendships and Connections

06:07 Childhood Influences on Relationships

08:57 Understanding Family Dynamics and Upbringing

12:13 The Role of Inner Child Work

15:03 Building Trust and Repairing Relationships

18:05 The Essence of True Friendship

21:03 The Journey of Self-Discovery and Growth

23:52 The Impact of Social Media on Friendships

27:09 Fostering Healthy Relationships

30:02 The Power of Vulnerability and Authenticity

How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

This weeks episode, Rob Tearle shares his journey from being an engineer to becoming a therapist, highlighting the importance of addressing male mental health issues. He discusses the societal pressures on masculinity, the stigma surrounding therapy for men, and the need for male role models. Rob emphasises the significance of vulnerability and emotional well-being, encouraging men to seek help and embrace their feelings. The discussion also touches on the challenges faced during therapy training and the transformative power of counselling in personal development, remembering to be a controlled monster!


Reference:
No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. https://amzn.eu/d/9hNzc3e
Jordan Peterson Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gYpCIbZjUQ


Takeaways
Men are increasingly losing their sense of masculinity.
Suicide rates among men are alarmingly high.
Therapy can be a powerful tool for personal growth.
The transition from engineering to therapy was significant for me.
Listening skills are crucial in counselling.
Men often struggle with societal expectations of masculinity.
There is a need for more male role models in society.
Balancing vulnerability and masculinity is essential.
Emotional well-being is vital for personal development.
Seeking therapy is a brave and beneficial step.


Sound Bites
"I didn't want to be a dedicated male therapist."
"Men are losing their masculinity."
"Suicide rates are four times that of women."
"There's a massive lack of male role models."
"Men shouldn't be punished for their urges."
"You have to choose a relationship."
"It's about accountability and responsibility."
"Just do it, go to therapy."
"Therapy helps, it's going to feel incredibly hard."


Chapters
00:00 The Journey to Therapy: A Personal Story
03:13 Understanding Masculinity and Mental Health
06:09 The Role of Therapy in Personal Development
08:57 Transitioning from Engineering to Counseling
11:53 Training and the Importance of Listening Skills
14:49 Challenges in the Therapeutic Journey
18:12 Addressing Male Mental Health Issues
20:59 Cultural Shifts in Masculinity
23:53 The Need for Male Role Models
26:49 Balancing Masculinity and Vulnerability
29:59 Finding Drive and Purpose in Life
32:46 The Importance of Emotional Well-being
36:08 Advice for Men Considering Therapy


Tune in, turn up, and let's talk! Because as we all know, change happens when we accept ourselves... even if 'ourselves' is someone who can't decide what to have for dinner. Let's embrace the paradox, one episode at a time!"

https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

Summary
Elliot and Lottie delve into the complexities of relationships, focusing on defensiveness, communication, and the impact of generational trauma. They explore the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as identified by John Gottman, discussing how defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt can undermine relationships. The conversation emphasises the importance of empathy, vulnerability, and effective communication in fostering healthy connections. They also touch on the significance of understanding one's own emotional needs and the dynamics of intimacy in relationships.

Takeaways
Defensiveness often arises from fear of blame or shame.
Stonewalling is a response to feeling overwhelmed.
Criticism can stem from a parental mindset in relationships.
Generational trauma influences current relationship dynamics.
Conflict can be a sign of growth in a relationship.
Effective communication requires both speaking and listening.
Empathy is crucial for understanding partner's feelings.
Intimacy involves vulnerability and trust.
Men often seek respect to feel loved in relationships.
Emotional intelligence is essential for healthy relationships.

Chapters
00:00 Introduction to the Podcast
00:59 Understanding Defensiveness in Relationships
06:07 The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
11:51 Exploring Generational Trauma
17:57 Conflict as Growth in Relationships
24:04 The Importance of Communication and Empathy
29:54 Intimacy and Vulnerability in Relationships

Get in Touch:
Lottie and couples Work: https://www.lottiepassellsyms.com/
Elliot: https://elliotburgess.co.uk/

How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

In this episode of 'The Paradox of Change', therapist Al shares his personal journey into the world of therapy, discussing the challenges he faced with anger, vulnerability, and the importance of building trust in therapeutic relationships. He reflects on the impact of fatherhood, the stigma surrounding men's mental health, and the influence of social media on modern relationships. Al emphasises the need for authenticity in therapy and the significance of maintaining mental health as a therapist. The conversation concludes with insights on navigating masculinity in today's society and the importance of healthy relationships.

Takeaways

Therapy can initially put people off, but it can also be a catalyst for personal growth and change.
The therapeutic relationship is key in counselling and must be built on trust, empathy, and genuineness.
Integrative therapy allows for tailoring the approach to the client's needs, incorporating different modalities as necessary.
Therapists must do their own personal work in order to effectively support their clients.
Becoming a therapist requires dedication, self-reflection, and a willingness to go to one's own depth. Authenticity and self-discovery are essential in therapy.
Holding space and the power of silence are crucial in creating a safe therapeutic environment.
Men face challenges in seeking therapy due to societal pressures and stigmas.
Identity crisis can occur when men feel they have to give up certain aspects of themselves to fulfill traditional roles.
Social media can have a negative influence on men's wellbeing. Pornography can have a negative impact on relationships, often serving as a temporary fix for deeper issues.
Open communication about porn addiction is crucial for building trust and intimacy in relationships.
The normalisation of pornographic material, especially on platforms like YouTube, raises concerns about its accessibility to younger generations.
Therapy can play a vital role in addressing porn addiction and helping individuals navigate their relationships.
Vulnerability and intimacy are essential for healthy relationships, and men should feel comfortable expressing their emotions and seeking support.
Taking care of both mental and physical health is important, and finding activities that bring joy and fulfilment can contribute to overall well-being.
Having a supportive network of friends and loved ones is crucial for maintaining mental health and navigating life's challenges.


Chapters

00:00 The Journey to Therapy
03:03 Fatherhood and Its Impact
05:56 From IT to Therapy: A Career Shift
08:50 Experiences with Anger and Therapy
12:07 The Importance of Vulnerability in Therapy
15:01 Understanding Therapy vs. Psychology
17:50 Therapeutic Modalities and Client Relationships
21:11 The Role of Authenticity in Therapy
24:06 Men's Mental Health Challenges
26:51 The Impact of Social Media on Relationships
29:46 Navigating Masculinity in Modern Society
33:12 The Importance of Healthy Relationships
36:06 Maintaining Mental Health as a Therapist
38:58 The Role of Humor in Therapy
41:52 Future Aspirations in Therapy
45:11 Closing Thoughts and Takeaways

Link to Al Hills Site:https://www.callmealcounselling.com/

How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

James shares his deep personal journey towards self-acceptance and love, defining love as unconditional acceptance of oneself and others.
Challenges and Growth: He delves into a crucial turning point where he struggled with self-rejection, leading him into a dark place, and how he emerged by reconnecting with his inner child.

Significant Insights:
* Emphasises the importance of embracing the inner child, symbolised by keeping a photo of his younger self on his phone as a daily reminder.
* Discusses the complexities of growing up feeling different due to his sexual orientation and being adopted, contributing to feelings of confusion and isolation.
* Reflects on the process of coming out as gay, battling societal expectations, and overcoming attachment fears and abandonment issues.

Professional and Personal Development: 
James highlights his path from experiencing unrequited love and anxious attachments to learning how to truly embrace and receive love in a healthy relationship.

Philosophical Reflections: 
The conversation covers the damaging influence of fairy tale narratives on real-life relationships, the necessity of questioning ingrained beliefs, and the role of values in shaping personal decisions.

Therapeutic Insights: 
James underscores the transformative power of meditation, conscious breathwork, and tapping into the subconscious mind to foster a shift in perspective and enhance mental well-being.
This condensed summary captures the essence of James's narrative and the overarching themes discussed in the episode, aiming to resonate strongly with listeners seeking profound, relatable insights into personal growth and mental health.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Setting the Tone
05:13 James' Personal Journey
09:39 The Impact of Childhood Experiences
13:53 Identity Formation: Adoption and Sexual Orientation
23:20 Isolation and Loneliness: The Impact of Coming Out
27:11 Visceral Reactions and Love
27:39 Breakups and Breakthroughs
31:58 The Importance of Relational Development
36:03 Experiencing an Existential Crisis
42:31 The Influence of Fairy Tales and Societal Expectations
48:00 Aligning Values with Actions
52:23 The Power of Tools and Techniques
52:37 The Calling of a Therapist
55:49 Tools and Techniques for Personal Growth
56:48 The Power of Meditation and Breath Work
57:47 Reframing and Changing Perspectives
58:35 The Link Between Performance and Breath
01:00:52 Deep Questions from the Diary of a CEO Cards
01:02:51 Gratitude and Growth
01:03:57 Surviving and Growing
01:04:07 Technical Issues and Fun
01:04:09 Exploring New Techniques
01:05:14 Relaxation for Well-being
01:08:18 Connecting with Your Future Self
01:10:22 Living a Life Based on Love
01:14:44 Gratitude and Human Connections
01:16:30 Messages of Self-Worth and Encouragement
01:17:45 Finding Pure Contentment in Guided Meditation
01:19:38 A Message from the Future: You Are Worthy of Love
01:20:35 Ending on a Light-Hearted Note

How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

Geri Carey shares her journey from business and leadership to becoming a therapist, coach, author, and academic researcher in authenticity. The conversation covers topics such as the transition to online therapy, the impact of AI counselling, the process of being cracked open, and the role of therapeutic coaching. Jerry also discusses the benefits of a person-centered approach in her work and how it has influenced her interactions with her family. This conversation explores the integration of coaching in therapy and the role of person-centered therapy. The therapist's dilemma of when to share information and the use of language and role-playing in therapy are discussed. The conversation also delves into the application of person-centered approach in society and the importance of self-leadership. The guest shares insights from writing a book on the self-led life and offers advice for those considering therapy. The conversation concludes with a focus on taking care of mental health and the significance of trusted relationships.

Takeaways

The transition to online therapy has been accelerated by the pandemic and has both benefits and challenges.
AI counseling raises ethical questions and may not be a complete replacement for human therapy.
Making a career change to therapy often involves a personal journey of self-discovery and a desire to help others.
Choosing a therapeutic modality can be challenging, but it is important to find an approach that aligns with one's values and beliefs.
Being cracked open, or experiencing a breakdown, can be a catalyst for personal growth and change.
Therapeutic coaching combines elements of therapy and coaching, allowing for a non-directive approach to helping clients.
A classically trained person-centered approach in therapy and parenting can create a safe and accepting environment for personal growth and self-discovery.


Here’s the back cover for Geri's book.

Reclaim your identity and start living life on your terms. Own your life; chase your joy. Never outsource your story. Live boldly, authentically, and without regret.
Get clear on who you are and Lead a Self-Led Life®️ this book will help you:
 
·      Achieve absolute clarity on your identity.
·      Direct your life with unwavering certainty.
·      Discover your power, purpose, and peak potential.
·      Unlock therapeutic secrets for self-guidance.
·      Build a life fuelled by your authenticity.
 
Take control and lead your own life. Embrace what brings you joy and live with purpose. Your self-leadership is a power—use it to create a life that's truly yours. 

Geri's LINKTREE:  https://linktr.ee/gericarey


Chapters

00:00 Introduction
00:55 Transition to Online Therapy
06:05 Transition from Business to Therapy
08:26 Choosing to be a Therapist
10:22 Choosing a Modality
13:10 Being Cracked Open
19:48 Therapeutic Coaching
23:01 Impact on Family and Parenting
26:55 Therapeutic Coaching and Person-Centered Approach
29:12 Exploring Therapeutic Coaching
30:38 Incorporating Coaching in Therapy
32:01 The Role of Person-Centered Therapy
32:59 The Therapist's Dilemma
34:25 Using Language and Role-Playing in Therapy
35:24 Therapy as Coaching and Education
37:45 Integrating Different Theories
38:13 The Influence of Carl Rogers
40:06 Applying Person-Centered Approach in Society
43:02 The Importance of Self-Leadership
44:57 The Journey of Self-Discovery
46:21 Writing a Book on Self-Led Life
49:38 Encouraging People to Talk and Change
53:50 Taking Care of Mental Health
55:08 Advice for Those Considering Therapy
58:57 Building a Growth Circle
59:57 The Importance of Trusted Relationships

How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

Fi and Rum discuss various topics related to relationships, coaching, and therapy. They explore the dynamics of conversations and the importance of sharing more in order to build connections. Elliot shares his journey into coaching and his focus on relationships. They discuss the experience of ghosting and the impact it can have on one's self-esteem. They also touch on the concept of perfection versus potential in relationships and the rise of polyamorous relationships. The conversation concludes with a discussion on the differences between coaching and therapy and the importance of setting boundaries. In this conversation, Elliot Burgess and Ron discuss various topics related to coaching, therapy, personal growth, and making a positive impact on the world. They explore the differences between coaching and therapy, the importance of authenticity, and share personal experiences of hardship and growth. The conversation concludes with a unique activity involving a message in a bottle.

Takeaways
* Coaching and Therapy serve different purposes and it's important to understand the distinctions between the two.
* Authenticity is crucial in personal growth and making a positive impact on the world.
* Key moments of hardship can lead to significant personal growth and transformation.
* Engaging in activities that promote self-reflection and connection can be meaningful and impactful.

Fifi: https://www.instagram.com/fifisclif?igsh=YzlnazI2bXp6Zmpo&utm_source=qr

Rum: https://www.instagram.com/itscoachrum?igsh=MW5lNjE0Z2h6NWZuZg==


Chapters
00:00
Introduction and Small Talk
01:28
Sharing More in Conversations
03:03
Purpose of the Podcast
04:36
Journey into Coaching
06:27
Focus on Relationships
07:36
Performance Coaching vs. Relationship Coaching
08:21
The Power of Writing and Blogging
09:08
Understanding Core Beliefs
10:25
The Experience of Ghosting
12:29
Overinvesting in Early Relationships
20:20
Fantasies and Falling in Love
24:23
Perfection vs. Potential in Relationships
28:38
Exploring Polyamorous Relationships
32:13
The Impact of Choice in Dating
38:02
Men's Fantasies in Relationships
41:00
Curiosity in Coaching and Therapy
45:14
Coaching vs. Therapy
48:56
The Importance of Neutral Language in Therapy
53:26
Coaching vs Therapy
56:22
Key Moment of Hardship
58:26
Making the World a Better Place
59:49
Message in a Bottle

How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

Our resident couples therapist, and psychosexual counsellor, Lottie, explores the world of couple therapy and the importance of training, supervision, and collaboration in this field with our guest, Sam Walton. The speakers discuss the journey of becoming couple therapists and the benefits of working with couples. They emphasise the significance of creating a calm space for couples and the role of homework in the therapeutic process. The conversation also delves into ethical dilemmas, attachment, and family of origin in couple therapy. The speakers highlight the value of structure and the use of a playbook in working with couples. They stress the importance of supervision and the passion for relational work. The conversation concludes with a discussion on the magic of couple therapy and the role of supervision in supporting therapists in this field.

Takeaways
Training and supervision are crucial for therapists entering the field of couple therapy.
Creating a calm space for couples is essential in helping them navigate their challenges.
Homework can be a valuable tool in facilitating growth and change in couples.
Ethical dilemmas may arise in couple therapy, and therapists must navigate them with sensitivity and professionalism.
Attachment and family of origin play a significant role in understanding couples' dynamics.
A structured approach, such as a playbook, can provide guidance and support in working with couples.
Supervision is essential for therapists to reflect on their practice and enhance their skills in couple therapy.
Passion for relational work and a commitment to ongoing learning are key to success in couple therapy.

Sam Walton: https://www.sam-walton.co.uk/
Lottie Passell-Syms: https://www.lottiepassellsyms.com/
The Paradox of Change podcast, here on YouTube or on all major platforms: https://theparadoxofchange.buzzsprout.com/

Chapters
00:00
Introduction and Background
07:04
Getting into Couple Work
09:23
Benefits of Training and Supervision
10:35
Enhancing Practice Through Collaboration
12:04
Creating a Calm Space for Couples
13:46
The Importance of Homework
16:44
The Journey of Relational Connection
17:41
Tolerating Discomfort for Growth
18:47
Addressing Conflict in Couples Therapy
19:53
Ethical Dilemmas in Couple Therapy
20:46
Incorporating Attachment and Family of Origin
23:37
The Importance of Structure in Couple Therapy
26:44
The Playbook for Couple Therapy
28:46
The Value of Supervision in Couple Therapy
30:41
Passion for Relational Work
34:35
The Magic of Couple Therapy
39:03
The Role of Supervision in Couple Therapy
40:08
The Paradox of Change Group
43:32
The Intimacy of Relational Work
46:01
Ending the Conversation
49:28
Promoting the Playbook for Couple Therapy

To contact Sam or Lottie from this episode, please visit their independent websites or feel free to get in touch.

How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

Our resident Sex and Relationship therapist Lottie, talks about her recent Guardian publication and the message promoting a healthier way of thinking to find the ONE.

Here's the link to the full artical: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/jan/01/how-to-find-the-love-of-your-life-after-60-ask-a-friend-to-write-your-dating-profile

https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange

How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange