The Parenting FastCast

The other day, while on a business trip I was in a Mexican restaurant in the Midwest. Minding my own business, I didn’t think much about the two middle aged women who sat down behind me. The tables at this restaurant were very close together so they were close, and they talked loudly. At some point they started talking about their children. And one of the women said, yea, it’s been a tough year for us. At which point she proceeded to talk about how her daughter had been arrested in Alabama for a DWI. And paraphernalia. And resisting arrest.

About how her daughter told her the only thing she could remember was her fathers phone number and the mother had told her, “Do you know how pissed I would have been had I had to come down there to bail your ass out of jail?”.  And there were more stories, by both mothers, of evictions, moving across the country for an internet lover. Moving back a week later, and it goes on.

And I sat there and thought, “If my kid turns out like this; shoot me”.

Because to have birthed a tortured soul into the world who creates chaos on the level that these women’s offspring have – well that’s inexcusable in my book.

 But in some ways, every parent out there has built a chaos factory. The question is how do we deal with it?

 And for that, I merge this story into the Tim Cook (or Tim Apple as some know him), Tim Cook, the head of Apple, gave the 2019 Stanford commencement speech.

He said, “…  Too many seem to think that good intentions excuse away harmful outcomes.

But whether you like it or not, what you build and what you create define who you are.

It feels a bit crazy that anyone should have to say this. But if you’ve built a chaos factory, you can’t dodge responsibility for the chaos. Taking responsibility means having the courage to think things through.

And there are few areas where this is more important than …. “

 

Tim was talking about privacy (primarily in the tech sector), but I think it applies best .. to parenting.

 

Will you have the courage to think things through? And we are here to help you with this. This podcast is here to help you navigate away from the emotional roller coaster and provide proven advice.

Will you take responsibility?

I think you can and I think you will.

Last week I was gone on business. Mrs Fastcast was there to get the kids to school. To pick them up. To prove that your tax dollars go to people who work hard. And was all going well.

 Which is always how it goes, until you get that voicemail with a voice choking back tears.

   Emotions can run deep. They can pile up. Why does it all have to be so hard? // I get asked.

And the answer is that life doesn’t get easier as we get better at it. That’s from episode 96 and it’s applicable to us as parents as well as children. When we get better at parenting, it doesn’t get easier – it’s just that our children get better. And that’s my constant goal.

And there are other answers to “why does it all have to be so hard?”

Episode 47 handles parents who dote over their children’s every move. We all feel like this at times – why do  you ask me for everything kid?! And it’s because we let them. Episode 47 says, “Children need to experience added value as a contributor to the mission of family rather than being treated as ornaments hung on the family tree.”

“why does it all have to be so hard?”

It’s because you’re obsessed with winning. But Episode 39 talks about being obsessed with losing. That’s what we should be doing at this point in our children’s lives. There’s no better time for your child to fail then the present. The cost is always higher tomorrow.

“why does it all have to be so hard?”

It may be because you have defaulted to no all the time. Episode 72 calls on us to “default to yes”. The quick lesson is to control what’s important. Let them handle the rest.

“why does it all have to be so hard?”

Because everything worth doing – is hard

Tune in tomorrow, we have a very interesting story and interesting thought to end it with, and then tune in again in the podcast after that. We will have some big news about the future of this podcast.

I want to thank everyone of you who have shared our content. Who have brought in your partners and friends into this conversation. I can tell you have been sharing it – because the listener numbers go up and to the right. We’ll catch you back here; tomorrow.

https://www.fatherly.com/parenting/kids-determine-sleep-schedule-peaceful-bedtime-routine/

 For the fathers out there, when I say the sentence, “Make your child the captain of their own destiny”, you may literally imagine a captain. I did. A boat, a beard, a brash sense of humor. Stoic.

And that’s actually what I’m going to recommend you fathers do – envision your child as someone important, making decisions, steering his ship.

 Except this ship is metaphorical.

   So pick your issue. Bravery at drop off. Clearing that plate. Conquering that diving board.

First let me link the article I got this inspiration from in the show notes. It’s a fatherly.com article and it was about sleeping. Specifically titled: “I Let My Kids Determine Their Sleep Schedule and Bedtime Became Peaceful(ish)”

And its premise is simple. Give up control. Give up control to your kid and see what happens. Now think back to your issue: Conquering that diving board? What would happen if you gave your kid control? Maybe they’d stand off to the side and watch 35 of their friends jump off of it, then walk up on it.

Maybe they’d go stand halfway and sit on it.

Maybe they’d turn and never look back. But I bet in the end giving them that control is more beneficial than any other rules/requirements/or/recipes for success that you have. That control is what we should be doing as fathers. Giving a little.

So what happened to those kids after their father announced that for a week, they could go to sleep whenever they wanted? Turned out to be fine. They fell asleep at reasonable hours. It turns out kids can deal with their own control when you’ve built a supportive, understanding world around

There are some 5-6 year olds out there who can get a little crazy. Or reclusive, or make their parent’s lives difficult because they are anxious and you don’t even know it because it’s all behind closed doors – before that child shows up to school for example.

But anxiety is something that quite a few parents actually deal with. Enough that it’s a sub group but small enough that 7 out of 10 parents don’t have to deal.

This episode is to bring it out into the light a little. And maybe you don’t have any real issue. That’s great, but these lessons are still good for building up your child and that’s good for every parent out there. That’s a lesson we keep trying to teach over and over again.

 So what are 3 things that parents can do to help children manage anxiety?

   My three tips come from the Harvard health blog and one line in it sticks out specifically. Children are emotional Geiger counters. They register anxiety radiating from parents.

Very True. As with a lot of the stories we’ve told over the last 6 months; it starts with you. We can’t expect our children to magically turn out to be piano playing, top of the class, athletic, loving, inclusive kids – when we don’t do any of those things. If we did, we’d just sit on the sidelines and direct our kids to be great.

It don’t work that way.

So start with modelling confidence in your words and body language. Analyze those, see if you’re projecting anything first.

Second. Narrate their world.

My 6 year old said to me the other day, “monsters aren’t real”. My mind said, “yea, duh, that’s silly, they aren’t.” But his mind said “monsters look real, and scare me, but I don’t think they’re real”.

See the difference. .. If we narrate the world as, “here’s your school, a safe place where your teacher loves  you” – they see the world that way.

Third, practice exposure. I’ve been bragging that our ‘getting our kid out there’ has been paying off. Apologies for the brag, but we hope for you all the positive things we encounter. We wish you nothing  but the best. Get out there in the world.

Last week started summer break. Now that I have a 6 year old, summers away from school seem like a bigger thing – like we remember when we were kids – a time of warm weather, fun activities and “me time” – at least that’s how I remember it. I know everyone may not have such rosy memories.

But I was at least aware of how the transition from the structure of school to the slightly crazier YMCA summer camp might affect him. He may be a bit nervous, He may take a while to warm up to the staff.

 “Good”. That’s how he responded to me when I asked him how his first, new day was.

   It was exactly the same response I’ve gotten every night when I ask him about his day at kindergarten. “Good”.

It was one of those cases where we as parents read into it – and the kids just accept it.

Thought One. We put him in YMCA winter camp for a few days – he said that helped, and he honestly sounded comfortable there.

Thought Two- If play is his work then he has a job too. So thinking about your work. If you’re in the private sector or a stay at home mom the point is the same – You are better at what you do when you have someone who believes in you, and lets you figure it out on your own. Everyone hates webinars. Most people say, “I just need to figure it out on my own and reading about it doesn’t help me”.

Your child is no different. Except you’re his or her boss. You need to believe in them. You need to put them in situations where they have a chance to learn something new. You have to push them a little.

So if transitioning to YMCA camp was the only new thing he’d done in the past 52 weeks, he might have been apprehensive. But here in our family; we try. So we’ve had him in hockey, going to birthday parties, out to dinner with friends, park dates, and t-ball.

It all adds up. And hopefully it adds up to a kid who can handle a lot.

Self care is a thing. So much of a thing, and an important aspect of our parenting success that I wanted to bring it back up today and talk about a little shift in my mindset that’s been working for me.

But first a little story about what it’s not – it’s not going to a t-ball team – end of season party at a local restaurant and sitting at the bar while your kids run amuck around the place and disturb everyone and everything. If being social is important to you, I understand. But you birthed this child, and that means you choose this. So pay attention!

And I tried to find other helpful ideas, because my little shift in mindset wasn’t enough to fill 3 minutes of dead air, and all I found were really stupid ideas. Article sections titled, “Celebrate the mistakes that are part of success.” And “Laugh” and my new least favorite idea and headline, “Buy an new outfit if it motivates you to exercise!”

 But there was one good idea and it helped me figure out what I’d been doing lately.

   That was to change how  you prioritize.

And my story is that work has sucked lately. I have had zero motivation to do it. What I’m doing seems trivial, but it’s time sensitive as the previous team already wasted 3 months of our time and we’re over our contractual deadline.

But I told myself – fuck it I’m working as hard as I can. And that final nail in the coffin made me prioritize myself.

Priorizing my health is important, but the hierarchy in my brain was work over top of me.

This literally put me back above my work.

And sometimes that’s all we need.

Tomorrow I’ll go to work and continue to try and finish it, same as the day before, but I will have a little more positive mental health because I’m prioritizing me.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/voices/2018/12/15/humility-social-media-bragging-depression-twitter-column/2227922002/

  Today’s stories are about bikes and briefs. Luckily, not at the same time.

First thing first, I was doing that thing that Dads do today – Helping my youngest try out a pedal bike. That activity that involves walking at pace fast enough to make you breath fast, but slow enough that you look really awkward when doing it. I pushed him fast enough to keep stable, but caught him every time he started to wobble.

But when he got to a stop and had his toes down, from a stop, I let him try to catch his balance and his bike.

But he toppled over instead. And crying ensued.

I wondered if I was a bad parent for a second. I didn’t feel real bad. The bike scraped his knee a bit.

But luckily I read an article a while back which pointed out a key thing about life, and parenting.

 There’s no such thing as a life free of stumbles, mistakes, unfairness and failures. Failures make us human.

   So we need to tell our kids “Failure is how we learn and I’m proud of you when you do fail and learn something from it”.

I could have been more clear this evening when the knee got scraped, but I don’t think he wanted to hear it.

Still it’s an important lesson we need to keep in our minds as parents and one that our kids will eventually hear through their non-listening ears.

And that other story on briefs.

Well while my 3 year old is trying to ride a bike, my 6 year old forgot to put his briefs on getting into pajamas tonight. I started to be incredulous towards him, you know, “C’mon dude – how do you forget your underroos?”

But I let it go. I let him fail and figure it out.

 

The rest of the article talks about leading by example, and that means admitting failures to our children as well.

And to that side, we as parents are not only charged with a crazy important job: crafting our children and the culture of what the future is but also with walking the walk. (Per the article) “to live modestly; to know that you’re not the center of the universe or even your family, tribe, or group.”

If parenting was just giving directions on riding a bike or getting dressed – oh how easy this would be. All we’d have to do is make them follow those directions! But it turns out living our best life isn’t done on Instagram. It’s done by modelling good behavior – and that should make you feel great about yourself when you do it!

It’s time for a recurring feature today. The monthly ‘3 things to do’ series hopefully provides you a few different ideas of ways to connect with your kids.

 Let’s dive right into them this month.

   

Go on a walk. That’s an easy one. But here’s a twist. Play I spy while you do it. I spy something big or something small. I spy something blue or something green. I spy something fast or something slow. Alive or dead. There are plenty of other things besides colors which you can spy. And I can almost guarantee you that you’ll strike up a conversation on something. Whether it’s some trash you see and pickup together or a turtle you see (did you know Turtles don’t have ears, but they’re not deaf. Thin flaps of skin cover internal ear bones, which receive vibrations and low-frequency sounds.) You’re the parent and you will be looked up to by your 6 year old because you know cool facts about turtles.

Create a sand timer. This one is a bit of a project, but nothing worth doing comes easy. Roughly, this includes two coke bottles, some sand, and a piece of foil across the opening of the bottles. You poke a hole in the foil, and measure out how much sand goes through in a minute. Then you put this sand in between two bottles, put the foil between them and tape the tops of the bottles together so you can flip it up or down. Now your kid knows what a minute is. They have a cool device (and a memory with you) to see it. You and I know what a minute is. A kid doesn’t. This helps them see it.

 

Tell them that they did enough. This is from our TED talk a few days ago. Tell them that you love them, however they are. And find something where they did enough. Tell them, “thanks, You’ve done enough, you may go play or eat or go, or whatever they want to do. Tell them that they did enough.”

I am always amazed when I go to someone’s house and the TV is on. And I mean the TV is on, and no one is watching it! Kids are running around, parents are in the other room. But the TV is on, talking heads, or cartoon characters talking away at nobody.

Now, I have opinions on TV, and just because I have opinions, doesn’t make them right. But I’ve done my research, and I think there are benefits for reduced screen time and TV watching. And I think I see the results in my children as well. But it took me asking myself if I’m willing to sacrifice for my children – and the answer is yes – and that means my sacrificing TV time. Because if I have it on, even just for me, the kids are watching too. And I’m setting the example. But I’m deviating from my point: My point is that the TV seems to be on all the time.

 And I found a university of Michigan study which quantified it. So here it is:

   In 51% of households, the TV is on "most" of the time.

So that means about 51% of the listeners out there are, at this very moment, justifying it.

Let me stop you. No need. You can do you. But if you listen on the daily, and we appreciate that, you’re here to get a few tips.

Well, I say shoot for above average. So my tip is don’t let your child be average. Because an average child “ages 2-5 spend 32 hours a week in front of a TV—watching television, DVDs, DVR and videos, and using a game console.”

32 hours!!

Be above average – make sure your kids are better than average – watching less TV is a statistically sound way to start. So turn off the TV on Saturday mornings when you’re all milling about the house. Get a timer. Get an app. Link it to an hour of playing out side. Monitor the cartoons or shows that your kids watch. Do Something.

Because if you don’t start doing these things now, if there are no basic rules now, you’ll be one of the “53% of households of 7th- to 12th-graders, where there are no rules about TV watching”.

That’s scary.

I want to break away from the “personality psychologists” talk that I started with 5 days ago. And a great way to do that is with poetry. It doesn’t get much different than psychology than that.

But before we do, I want to thank everyone out there for listening to us, for adding us to your day. It means a lot. And I hope we’re helping.

 So what can a poem teach us about parenting?

 To be honest, I’m not 100% sure if it can. But this poem has stuck with me for a long time and just as parts of it guide me, I think they can help guide you to. Give you some seeds to plant in your brain.

Now, no one I know is a “poet person”, but I still feel like they’d lambast me for such a popular poem if they were next to me. But I don’t care, it meant something to me in my formative years.

The poem is Rudyard Kipling's If:

I’m not going to read the whole thing.

But here are excerpts and what they mean to me:

 

If you can keep your head when all about you  

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, 

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

    But make allowance for their doubting too;  

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;  

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;  

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

    And treat those two impostors just the same;  

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,  

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

 

This, to me is the great goal of man. To be one thing, but also it’s opposite.

To be able to time your response or tailor it to the situation. When he says “If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

    And treat those two impostors just the same;  “

This makes me feel like I’m preparing for something big. And I have reason to believe that there will be big moments through my life. Some good, a lot bad. The death of loved ones, or the achievement of a promotion. It’s best to be even keel through it all. 

   Here there are no lessons on raising children other than being the best version of you, that you can be. And which is more – you’ll raise a man like you, my son.