Here y'go then you two, a card and a present each. And what did you bring for me? A bumper festive podcast? Are you joking? I don't care if it does cover Christmas past, crisis at the BBC, Celebrity Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, Tiswas and the pretend iPod. A podcast is not a proper gift!!

Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh. Unless you're sitting with two fellas going on about the future of HMV, On The Run off the telly, Twitter's boss and their pretend iPod thing. At least things would be improved by a chat with the lovely Fran Smith. Giddy-up!

Christmas decorations, Holly versus The Sport, vintage technology on BBC4 and the pretend iPod. Ho, ho, ho. Now pass those mince pies and get that tree put up, will you?

Cold? I'll tell you what's cold. Standing out here in the garden so I don't have to listen to those two going on and on about bad cafes, absent DJs, D Love, Kookyville and that confounded pretend iPod. Brrrrrrrrrr

'Why don't you fellows invite a friend round?' I said. So they did and bless my soul if it wasn't that smashing Steve Hackett chap. But that didn't stop them going on about the Rolling Stones, parties, cancelled gigs and that blethering iPod thing. Well, I should have known really.

I sent those two out to make a start on the Christmas shopping. They came back empty-handed. Apparently they'd been distracted by talk of Marlow (the town), namesakes, master actors, BBC ownership, Scrimpers on the telly, James Bond and that daft pretend iPod. I've sent them back.

'Pop round and try a bit of my wife's lemon drizzle cake',  I said. Hours they were here. Between mouthfuls, they rattled on and on about trips to the USA, The Young Apprentice, some massive T-Rex competition, bank cards and their made-up iPod. Didn't even wash up.

Well, at least the gruesome twosome weren't having me on (like that time they told me pepper was an excellent toothpaste substitute). Because, as threatened, here comes part two of the "Vinyl Special". Colgate, SR or Sensodyne - never pepper. That's my advice.

Whatever a 'Vinyl Special" is, these two goons assure me this is the first part of one. Presumably they won't be discussing floor coverings. Also presume there's part two to come. Yes, apparently, there is.

When they said they had a lot on, I thought the two of them might be busy being useful. But no. They just had a lot to gabble on about, like donuts, Rolling Stones tickets, Las Vegas, Mike Harding, tattoos, Emmerdale live, Grand Designs and that pretend iPod. Call that busy?