The People Builder

Do you always expect the worst during setbacks, see them as insurmountable and out of your depth, or do you see them as temporary and have the confidence to be able to navigate your way through them?

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Emotional Intelligence Master Trainer and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today, I want to continue our conversation around emotional intelligence self-management strategies by talking about the very important topic right now of realistic optimism.

I've quite often been referred to as the eternal optimist, where I don't see the challenging things, and that's not always healthy either. What I do though is by developing this competency is I take control of my self-talk, and I look for the things that I can change, and I reduce that anxiety and stress that can lead to some debilitating emotions in this time right now. What we need to do is to bring some realism into that optimism.

So, it's not about just the power of positive thinking alone, it's using our logical brain, now that we know how to tap into the logical brain, without that emotional spiral, to look at things in a way that puts them in perspective, that looks at what we do know, rather than vent what we don't.

Realistic optimism is all about expecting success, seeing those setbacks as just temporary, and knowing and having the confidence in yourself and what's happening around you that you're going to be able to navigate through this current situation, and there is a future that's bigger, better, and brighter. To reach that future and enjoy it, we need to be able to employ strategies that will help us to see the future and not be stuck in the past or the present situation.

When we get this wrong, we can see bad events as lasting forever. We see luck as the only way that we're going to be able to get through things, rather than your own ability. It can leave us feeling helpless and listless a lot of the time during our day, and it can lead to some very major mental health issues like depression.

But when we learn how to do this differently, we have belief in our own ability, that we're able to make that change, and that comes from a deep sense of our personal power.

You apply that same belief to everything you do, not just a single task. You operate from a mindset of success, rather than fear, and you have a healthy self-talk. I heard it once said that an optimist is a man who gets treed by a lion, but enjoys the scenery while he's up there.

And if we look at that and how we can put that into our everyday life right now, some of us do feel like we've been forced up a tree. We're stuck. The view that we see when we're there is totally up to you and it's up to me.

So, what I want to do right now is I want to give you some tips that you can implement right now so that you can become more realistic in your outlook on life. You can bring in that optimism to empower you to be who you need to be right now and to move into your new future. So, let's get started. 

Number one is you tune into your self-talk about the adversity in your life right now. What is it that you're saying to yourself? What is your inner dialogue reminding you of? What's holding you back? So, step number one is to tune in and listen actively to what beliefs are coming out, what you think about yourself, what your self-talk is telling you and setting you up for either success or holding you back.

Number two is to examine your beliefs you have about adversity. What does it mean to you? Is it something that you see as being a whole of life thing or is it situational? Our beliefs determine our thoughts and therefore our behaviour.

So, by doing this audit of your beliefs around adversity, around setbacks, around the things that are going on in your life right now, it's going to give you the information that you need to channel into your logical brain and remove those things that are not allowing you to move forward and flip them to things that will.

Number three is to take notice of the feelings that you feel around those beliefs. So, how does it make you feel that you think that certain way about adversity? Does it make you feel fear? Does it make you feel trapped? Does it make you feel disempowered? Or are your beliefs making you feel empowered, making you feel positive in your outlook so that you can then move forward?

Sometimes, we can even feel guilty about having those beliefs. And we can beat up on ourself, and that creates a spiral down emotionally. It limits our personal power. And then we make even more decisions, based with our emotional brain, based around that, "I am a less than, rather than I'm capable." And the result is even worse. So, tune into your self-talk, examine your beliefs, and then examine the way that you feel about those beliefs.

Number four is to dispute those negative beliefs. Instead of taking them on because they feel good and they line up with how you feel about yourself, dispute them. Look for evidence from your logical brain that they are not true. They're something that you've believed, something that you've made up, and they are not actually what's really happening right now. So, step four, let's take action to get rid of those beliefs, to reject them, dispute them, and leave them behind.

Now that we've been through these four steps, we can get to number five, 'cause we're in a position where we feel confident in ourself. We've got ourself in an emotional state and a state where we are thinking logically and looking at things realistically. And we can look now for evidence to dispute those beliefs. We can look at ourself and go, "You know what? I'm not a failure. I am not whatever those beliefs were. This is what I am."

So, this whole five step process or the four steps leading to the five is to get ourselves in a position where we're thinking realistically, where we're thinking with our logical brain, where we're looking at ourself in a positive light with our big voice, not that mini-me that wants to hold us back.

So, let me introduce you to a strategy, a method that you can use so that you can operate out of a position of realistic optimism. And it's really simple for me to remember because it is A, B, C, D, E. Let's have a look at it.

The A stands for adversity, the B stands for belief, the C for consequences, the D for disputation, and the E is for energisation. Let's pull them apart and put them into context with an actual live scenario.

So, let's say you were having a dinner party and you invited some friends. And this friend came along and the adversity was your friend came, but they sat there and they didn't eat any of the food. So, that's the adversity. Now, that can trigger a lot of thoughts. And depending on what you move into the belief zone with, will determine what you do with that.

So, the belief could be, she didn't like the food. I'm a lousy cook. I don't even know why I try to make friends. I don't think there's any need at all for me to try and pursue her as a friend in the future because I'm not a good friend. So, that belief can become very powerful based out of that adversity, because that's what you made it mean and it can then move into the consequences.

So, the consequences in this scenario could be I feel really bad and awful about myself for thinking that way. I feel embarrassed that I've cooked such terrible food. And I actually avoid spending any time with that person for the whole night because of the way that I feel.

So, the consequence of the belief is what we really want to tap into because then we can decide whether or not we want that to be a consequence in our life. To be in control and to be able to move forward, there needs to be enough pain around what's happening or enough pleasure for us to move through. And we've talked about how the brain works and the pleasure circuits and dopamine, et cetera, works in our brain in previous weeks. So, the third part of the process, the C is to look at the consequences.

So, we've had A, B, C. We've had the adversity, the belief, and the consequence. So, now what we can do is we can move into the D, which is the disputation. This is where we look for evidence that what we believe is not true. So, we could look at the fact that there was several people at the dinner party and everybody else ate the food. So, the food wasn't awful. She could be on a diet. She could be only able to eat certain things. She might've have been feeling very well.

So, we're looking for evidence that's contrary to the belief that we have. What we do most of the time was we look for evidence of what we believe so that we can submit those beliefs because those beliefs are what are keeping us safe. Those beliefs are all about where we feel about ourself in that given moment, in that time of our life.

So, what we're going to do here is dispute those negatives and we're going to replace them with real evidence. And to do that, we obviously need to work in the logical brain. And the E stands for energisation. So, what the energisation is is by disputing those beliefs and having a different belief, it energises us. It becomes an empowering feeling.

And in that energisation in this scenario, what it would energise us to do is to invest some more time with that person, to talk to that person, to get around that person, and enjoy their company, and to remove that feeling of fear, anxiety, whatever it was that you were going through, and enjoy the rest of your night, and enjoy the company of everyone else that's there as well.

So, what we believe affects our energy. So, by disputing those negative beliefs, putting in the real beliefs, it changes how we come across energetically. We're more engaged, we're more enthusiastic, and we feel more empowered.

So, that is a five step process, A, B, C, D, E. Easy to remember. Adversity, belief, consequence that moves us into disputation and energisation. With realistic optimism, we're able to navigate, whether it be in a period right now in this COVID-19 disruption or in any time in our life, we're able to navigate more effectively what it is that we're going through, rather than be more present.

We're able to feel more positive emotions because we're looking at life with reality, rather than the made up stories that our negative self-talk and our negative self-worth conjures up.

Realistic optimism is one of the 10 competencies of self-management in the four quadrants of social and emotional intelligence. So, it starts with self-awareness, and then we move into these competencies of self-management.

And if you'd like some help to get involved in your own development of your emotional intelligence, let me know, drop a comment, go to my website, wherever you need to connect with me, and ask some questions. I'd love to help you on your journey. 

Well, that's it for me for another week. Join me again next week when we continue this journey through self-management by learning to be more intentional. I'll see you then.

Do you readily and willingly adapt to the changes around you or do you resist change and try to hold on to the status quo?

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Emotional Intelligence Master Trainer and Sustainable Performance Coach, and this week, I want to start to move into the second quadrant of emotional intelligence and talk about skills around self-management.

For FREE resources and coaching from one of the leading personal development experts in the world, visit: https://www.grantherbert.com

Get the FULL TRANSCRIPT here:

https://www.grantherbert.com/blog/developing-personal-agility

Become A Coach and grow your influence, income, and impact here: https://www.peoplebuildersinstitute.com.au

Do you readily and willingly adapt to the changes around you or do you resist change and try to hold on to the status quo? Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Emotional Intelligence Master Trainer and Sustainable Performance Coach, and this week, I want to start to move into the second quadrant of emotional intelligence and talk about skills around self-management.

Change is inevitable and the pace of change is unprecedented right now. You either run with it or you let it overwhelm you. The difference between these two comes in developing the competency of personal agility. There are several things that will actually hold you back from being able to change without all the stress and all the conflict.

The first one is being fearful of change, wanting things to stay the way they are. If we operated that way, you would still have typewriters, rather than be able to talk to a computer and it types it out for us, or resisting change and being stubborn and saying, "No, that's not what I want to do."

Being inflexible, which is like my body in the morning when I first wake up. Because it's been still all night and hasn't done any movement, it can be a little bit seized up. And that's what happens to us when we resist change, when our level of personal agility is low.

And the end result is that we stagnate, and it's like a pond of water that's not moving: green algae grows on the top. It's stagnant. We can't drink it. We can't swim in it. We can't use it at all. It stops us from going forward. But when you learn to develop your personal agility, instead of having these challenges, you can have better results.

You can learn to embrace change and see that the changes are actually good, see that the changes are part of your process of moving forward. They're not actually holding you back. You can become an initiator of change. So, instead of the change happening to you, you create the change.

And you learn to become adaptable, like the chameleon who camouflages itself and blends in with the environment that it's in so that it stays safe. We can do the same thing when we learn to adapt to the change. And the end result is that we have flow and we grow and we move forward. So, let me outlay five key principles, big ideas that we need to take hold of before we can develop the competency of personal agility.

Number one is change is inevitable. It's like the larvae that spins its cocoon and then expects to stay there forever. As we know, what happens is from that cocoon comes a beautiful butterfly, and it's like that in our life as well. We're not able to just stay wrapped up in the cocoon. Change is going to happen. It's inevitable. So, when we understand that, we can anticipate change and it doesn't become such a big problem and a big shock to us.

Number two is we have to learn to become uncomfortable. When the motor car was first developed and they wanted to start the car, they had to get this big handle called a crank handle and put it in the front of the car and turn it round and round and round until the magneto created enough spark and the engine fired and then it took over by itself. And the momentum was created by the weight of the flywheel.

Unfortunately though, a lot of times when we did that, and when I say we, by the way, I'm not that old, but when they did that, what happened was that there was some kickback and sometimes that handle came off and there were knuckles that got scraped. Sometimes it really hurt the shoulder of the person that was trying to crank it.

So, by getting uncomfortable and understanding that that's not how you wanted to continue, that's the only way that they came up with the idea of the electric starter motor. Now, when I jump into my car, I don't even have a key. I just need to push a button, and that wouldn't have happened if people didn't learn to get uncomfortable with the status quo.

Number three is to focus on your "why". Asking yourself, "Why is this change a good thing?", rather than looking for reasons not to do it. Find how that change is going to move you closer to one of your goals, one of your dreams, one of your desires, the "why", the overarching picture that you have in your mind every single day as to why you get up out of bed and do what it is that you do.

Number four is to look at and navigate change incrementally. We have this door at home where the kids, every year, stood up against the door with their back to the door and on their birthday, we would put a mark, an increment on the door as to how tall they were getting.

The point I'm trying to make here is they didn't get to be the height that they are now overnight. They weren't born that way. They were a certain size. And then, each year, they grew. Some years, it was a big incremental change. Other years, not so much. When we look at change in the same way, it makes it easier to navigate, but breaking it down into bite-sized chunks.

And the overall thing that we want to do then is know, "What do I need to do next? What do I need to do today? What's the first small step that I can take to make that change?"

And number five, and one of the most important, is to seek support. Make sure that whenever change is happening, you've got a support team. You've got people you can talk to. You've got people that are going through similar things to you. You've got people that can offer you practical support in being able to navigate the change.

So, there's five key principles, big ideas, concepts that we need to understand before we can navigate change without the overwhelm. So, if you're feeling a little bit out of kilter with all the changes that are going on around us right now, it might be time for you to just step back, have an honest look, and see where you are in this competency of personal agility.

Emotional intelligence starts with awareness and then empowers you to be able to manage your responses to what's going on around you. When we can control the disruptive thoughts and feelings, we're able to change without it being a major challenge because we're looking at it logically and we're going through those principles that I gave you before.

Well, that's it for me for another week. Make sure you hit the subscribe button. If you need some help in developing your emotional intelligence, make sure you get in touch. And next week, we're going to continue the conversation around self-management competencies by looking at maintaining realistic optimism. I'll see you then.

Do you do your best to deliver on your promises and commitments, maintaining high standards of personal integrity, or do you find it hard to establish long standing, trusting relationships?

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Emotional Intelligence Master Trainer and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today I want to continue our conversation by unpacking the elements you need for “Building a Bond of Trust”.

For FREE resources and coaching from one of the leading personal development experts in the world, visit: https://www.grantherbert.com

Get the FULL TRANSCRIPT here:

https://www.grantherbert.com/blog/building-a-bond-of-trust

Become A Coach and grow your influence, income, and impact here:

 https://www.peoplebuildersinstitute.com.a

Do you do your best to deliver on your promises and commitments, maintaining high standards of personal integrity, or do you find it hard to establish long standing, trusting relationships?

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Emotional Intelligence Master Trainer and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today I want to continue our conversation by unpacking the elements you need for “Building a Bond of Trust”.

Everywhere you look at the moment there are so many examples of mistrust and scepticism. Whether it’s leaders in government, health organisations, the media, or even with people you have never even met but are interacting with on social media, a lack of trust in them or the information they are communicating is causing more and more conflict. 

When people have developed a reputation for lacking integrity, or undermine others for their own personal gain, it is little wonder you find it hard to believe anything they say. Making promises they never intend to keep just to get what they want, behaving erratically and treating their fellow man poorly, and being unable to establish open and candid conversations, erodes away the trust that we all need to feel safe, cared for and valued.

But then there are the people in your life who behave in accordance with their beliefs, values, and commitments. They genuinely care about others and treat people fairly, consistently and with respect. That’s the kind of people we want to run the world, right?

Well, let me encourage you, and myself, to be the personification of that famous quote that says, “Be the change you want to see in the world”. You and I may not have any chance of controlling the behaviour of those other leaders, but we do have an opportunity to influence our own little part of the world.

It takes a long time to build trust, and only an instant to destroy it, so let me unpack a few tips for you that will help you build and maintain a lasting bond of trust with those around you. Are you ready to take on the challenge?

Over the last few weeks, we have already spoken about several things that every trusted leader demonstrates. Empathy, active listening, effective communication and great conflict management skills. Let me add a few more to the list.

Be real and talk straight, rather than skirting around the subject and appearing to be hiding something.

Make it easier to keep your word by avoiding to overpromise because you want people to approve of you.

Admit when you have made a mistake because nobody expects you to be perfect, they just expect honesty.

Share your true feelings and thoughts about a situation, allowing room for others to disagree or share a different view.

Show others you have trust in them. A bond of trust is a 2 way street. People need to know that you have their back before they will unconditionally have yours.

Learn about who people really are, not just what they do, and never betray a confidence by disclosing what they tell you inappropriately.

Trusting others, and in turn being trusted by them, is all we need to build a bond of trust. In today’s uncertain world of constant change, online scrutiny and the many examples of people we find it hard to trust, you can be a breath of fresh air to the people in your world. 

To demonstrate these trust makers, and avoid the trust breakers, you need to continue to build your emotional intelligence. As I have said many times before, I may be a subject matter expert, but I am a daily work in progress just like you. It’s never about being perfect. It’s more about making incremental changes, one day at a time.

If you would like to know more about how to do this, get in touch and ask me to help. I would love to be a part of your journey.

Well, that’s it from me for another week. Make sure you hit the subscribe button, share this with your friends, and join me again next week when we will continue the conversation by learning how to navigate change by being more agile. I’ll see you then.

Are you uncomfortable with and tend to avoid conflict, or can you spot potential conflicts, bring disagreements out in the open, and then deescalate them? 

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Emotional Intelligence Master Trainer and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today, I want to continue our conversation around Emotional Intelligence, around Effective Communication and Empathy by talking to you about what to do when it all goes wrong and we get into conflict.

For FREE resources and coaching from one of the leading personal development experts in the world, visit: https://www.grantherbert.com

Get the FULL TRANSCRIPT here:

https://www.grantherbert.com/blog/conflict-management-strategies

Become A Coach and grow your influence, income, and impact here: https://www.peoplebuildersinstitute.com.au

Are you uncomfortable with and tend to avoid conflict, or can you spot potential conflicts, bring disagreements out in the open, and then deescalate them?

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Emotional Intelligence Master Trainer and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today, I want to continue our conversation around Emotional Intelligence, around Effective Communication and Empathy by talking to you about what to do when it all goes wrong and we get into conflict.

Conflict is inevitable and Conflict Management is all about resolving disagreements. It's about identifying that we've had some miscommunication, that we've had a misunderstanding, and it's about using all the skills that we talked about in communicating and effectively, actively listening to go, "Hang on a sec, let's get back on track."

I know in my own life and in many of the people who I work with, in their lives, this is a skill that we haven't at all yet mastered. And when we're having difficulties in this area, we tend to fall into conflict all the time.

Now, to just step back a little bit, firstly, we've got to make sure, before we get into management of conflict, that we understand where it comes from. And a lot of times, conflict will come when we fail to suspend our judgment, when we fail to actively listen and therefore, we get misunderstandings.

When we tend to see the other person as our opponent, we fail to listen to their point of view and we're only interested in being right. I know this was a major challenge for me and it's something that I still have to work on every single day. We might lack consideration or tact and fail to see it from the other person's point of view.

And when we're only focusing on our point of view, it's really challenging to find common ground. When we encourage open debate and discussion and we draw out everyone's opinion in a logical way, as a fact-finding exercise, not looking for things to rebut against, then we're able to set up an environment of understanding where we can have those win-win solutions.

Effective Conflict Management is something that we will all get the benefit from at some point in our lives. There are totally different styles of Conflict Management. Some people are conflict avoiders at all costs. "Keep it away from me. I don't feel empowered, so I don't want to play."

Some people can be aggressive and they're really good at conflict, so they think, because they're practicing it all the time. Some people are compromises, where they just look for a win-win all the time. They give a little bit and they lose a little bit and they try and find the middle ground. This is not always a good thing because others might manipulate the situation.

So, whatever conflict style you are currently using, what I want to do is teach you some key tips, some steps that you can take in any conflict situation to deescalate and get back on an even ground where we can continue with positive communication.

Number one is to operate from your logical brain. As we've talked about, Emotional Intelligence is the ability to be aware of the emotion that you're going through in the moment, and then to use that information to manage your response.

So, when we operate from our logical brain, by asking "what" questions and "how" questions, rather than "why" questions, we're able to give ourselves a better opportunity to think, pause, and respond to what we're hearing, and to practice active listening, and to go through a logical process of gathering information without the need to give it a meaning or to judge it and therefore, be able to have healthy dialogue and manage and resolve the conflict.

Number two is to focus on the issue, not the person. Now, that's something that I was taught many, many years ago, and I never understood it until I understood the neuroscience behind Emotional Intelligence. Because when someone says, "Focus on the issue, don't focus on the person," I'm thinking, "It's the person that's creating the conflict. It's the person that's in front of me right now. It's the person that's on the other end of the keyboard in the social media conversation," or whatever it is.

So, by utilising tip one, which is staying in the logical brain, we're then able to focus on the outcome, focus on what it is that's being said, focus in a data-driven, logical information way that allows us to look at the issue and not make it personal between you and the other person or people.

And number three, and this is one that I have to use a lot, is to decide to be the most emotionally intelligent person in the interaction, to decide that no matter what, you're going to behave in a way that will give you the best opportunity to have a peaceful outcome.

Relationships are important and whether it's someone that you've just met on the keyboard, on social media, or someone that's close and near and dear to you, I think we can all benefit a lot more by having less conflict. So, if I make a decision that I'm going to be emotionally intelligent to the best of my ability and control only my behaviour, 'cause that's really all I can control, then the conflicts will deescalate quickly because you can only have conflict when two people want to play.

I remember a lot of times driving in traffic where someone might cut me off. And in the old days, before I knew how to do these things, I would give them the California salute, or shout something at them, or they would know by the expression on my face that I wasn't happy. And I was ready for a fight, but doing things differently, like when they cut me off going, "Sorry," even though it wasn't my fault, it tends to take the sting out of the conflict. There's no argument if you're not involved in it.

So, what I'm not saying here is not to let people walk all over you. What I'm saying is walk away when it's not your fight. What I'm saying is behave in a way that you would like others to behave to you. And what I've found is that communication gets the response from the way it's been given.

So, the best thing that you and I can do to deescalate a conflict and get to a position where we can get back on track with our communication. And Effective Communication is to decide to be in control of our emotions, of our self-talk, of what actually comes out of our mouth, whatever we type on the keyboard, and all these skills are a part of Emotional Intelligence.

Conflict happens when there is poor communication, when there's a lack of mutual understanding, where there's no give and take, where there's a failure to suspend judgment, where there's a need to be right.

And Conflict Management is a culmination of those skills in Emotional Intelligence that we've talked about: Personal Power, being okay in your own skin, and being okay with being who you are, Emotional Self-Control, being able to understand the emotions and the meanings that you're putting on things, and being able to take your response down a different direction, rather than a reaction.

It's about having that Effective Communication, things like active listening, listening for what's not being said, and all the things we've talked about over this last six weeks or so. When I work with people in developing Conflict Management skills, I teach a five-step process for effectively negotiating and resolving any conflict. If you're interested in knowing more about that, then drop me a line, put in a comment, and I'd love to help you out with that.

Well, that's it for me for another week. Make sure you hit the subscribe button and join me again next week, when we continue our conversation around the competencies of Social and Emotional Intelligence that are going to help us to navigate beyond COVID-19 and just enjoy whoever we need to be in every area of our life. I'll see you then.

Do you fail to listen, interrupt, or always find fault in what others say, or do you welcome mutual understanding by listening intently and allowing the sharing of information?

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Emotional Intelligence Master Trainer and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today, I want to continue our conversation around Empathy and Emotional Intelligence by talking about the art of active listening.

For FREE resources and coaching from one of the leading personal development experts in the world, visit: https://www.grantherbert.com

Get the FULL TRANSCRIPT here:

https://www.grantherbert.com/blog/active-listening-to-avoid-conflict

Become A Coach and grow your influence, income, and impact here: https://www.peoplebuildersinstitute.com.au

Do you fail to listen, interrupt, or always find fault in what others say, or do you welcome mutual understanding by listening intently and allowing the sharing of information?

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Emotional Intelligence Master Trainer and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today, I want to continue our conversation around Empathy and Emotional Intelligence by talking about the art of active listening.

One of the most powerful skills that we can all have is genuine listening. It's the key to effective communication. And for healthy relationships, it's important to hear everything that's being said and to be a tuned into what's not being said so that we get the full picture and we're able to interact and have mutually beneficial communication. This is one of the most important ingredients in Empathy.

Well, we're still learning to do this well. We might be someone who interrupts all the time, where we've got our own agenda and we're pushing that, and we're not really all that interested in fully listening to what the other person's saying. We might be giving the opinion that we are listening with our ears, but our body language and our response and reaction says that we aren't really interested.

When we get this skill to where it's going to help us and give us that triple win we talked about last week, a win for us, a win for them, and a win for the greater good, we are not only interested in what we have to say and what our opinion is, but we're open to what the other person or people have to say. And we filter that information in our logical brain to make sure that we have the entire picture to avoid misunderstanding and to avoid conflict.

When we do this, we're able to have conversations that are effective, that are mutually beneficial, and that allow us to be involved with Compassionate Empathy; to not just understand, but to be a part of the solution as well.

So, let's talk about some of the things that we are listening for. As we've already said, we're listening to what's being said, we're also listening to what's not being said. We're listening to what's not congruent, what doesn't seem to add up. A lot of times, I'll be having conversations or I'll be communicating and what I'm saying here isn't lining up to what I said here, and that creates confusion.

We listen for what's needed, what's missing, and we listen to what their goals are, what they want to achieve. By actively listening, we can also be attuned to what their strengths are so that we know where we can add value and where they're doing okay.

So, let me give you three key tips that you can use to help you to be a more active listener and therefore, have more effective communication.

Number one, set aside your own agenda. When we have our own agenda out front, we've got all this noise and all this clamor going on in our mind. So, even though we are doing our best to listen, we're not hearing. We're filtering it through our own agenda. So, the best thing that we can do is to be totally focused on them, set aside our own agenda, and listen fully and be fully present.

Number two is to avoid jumping in. A lot of times when I was learning to be a better communicator, someone would be talking and they could tell that all I was doing was waiting for them to take a breath so that I could jump in. I'd be trying to jump in and go, "Yeah, okay." And every time they said a point, I'd have something to counter it with or something to add.

So, when we avoid jumping in and leave the conversation open and collect the information in a logical way, not collecting it in a way that's comparing it to what our beliefs are, we're able to get the full picture.

And number three is to reflect back what you heard. Remember last week, we talked about the communication process, being someone who is a sender, encoding their message, and sending it to a receiver. The receiver receives that information through the noise and then they decode what they thought they were communicated. And that's where the confusion can come in.

What they then do is they encode their reaction or their response and they send it back through the noise to the original sender who is now the receiver, who decodes what they think they heard. The challenge with all that is we can make assumptions. We can think that we heard this and therefore make a belief around that, give that a meaning when in fact it may not be what was said at all.

So, by reflecting back what we think we heard, we were able to get clarification and or confirmation so that we can then move forward effectively; simple phrases like, "So, what I heard you say was...," and then repeating what you thought they said. Now, this can be done, whether it's verbally or whether it's written text.

And that gives the person that you're communicating with the opportunity to go, "Yes, that's exactly what I said," or give clarity and either go deeper to give further understanding or go, "No, that's not what I meant at all. This is what I meant."

So, when we use these three tips, when we actively listen and we do it without assumption, we do it without jumping in, and we reflect to get clarity and confirmation, we take out all the misunderstanding and all the conflict. Active listening is a crucial component of Empathy, and one of the competencies that we teach in the work that we do in Social and Emotional Intelligence.

Well, that's it for me for another week. Make sure that you hit the subscribe button so that you can be with me again next week when we talk about Conflict Management.

It doesn't always go right. We don't always get it right. So therefore, I'm going to teach you a strategy and a procedure to be able to effectively navigate conflict, nip it in the bud, and go back to effective communication. I'll see you then.

Do you fail to listen, interrupt, and find fault with what others say, or do you listen well, seek mutual understanding, and welcome differing opinions?

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Emotional Intelligence Master Trainer and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today, I want to continue our conversation on empathy by talking about another key ingredient of Social Intelligence, Effective Communication.

For FREE resources and coaching from one of the leading personal development experts in the world, visit: https://www.grantherbert.com

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