We don't know what the fate of Ophelia is, but we know that your fate is to listen to the best damn podcast out there! This week, we talk about a robber who found himself on the wrong end of a samurai sword, a man who jumped from a cruise ship to avoid a gambling debt, and how the execs of Rick's Cabaret allegedly bribed a tax auditor! A Texas woman butt-dialed a murder confession, the head of IMAX parties too hard to get life insurance, and a zoo in China wants you to stop showing viral videos to a baby chimp. We drink, we beef, we talk about how drag queens really aren't the problem...and, oh yeah, we congratulate Oliver North and Fawn Hall on their recent wedding!