Why do ordinary people justify cruelty they would otherwise condemn? In this episode, Professor RJ Starr examines the psychology of dehumanization and moral disengagement—the processes that strip others of empathy and silence our conscience. Drawing on social psychology, history, and modern life, Starr explores how propaganda, language, humor, and group identity make it easier to rationalize harm. From euphemistic labels like “collateral damage” to online mob behavior, we uncover the subtle ways cruelty is excused and normalized. The costs are profound, eroding trust, compassion, and moral sensitivity. But there are paths forward: recognizing the mechanisms in ourselves, challenging the language that disguises harm, and choosing empathy in ordinary moments. Understanding these dynamics is essential if we want to resist cycles of cruelty and rehumanize the way we see one another.

In this special edition of The Psychology of Us, Professor RJ Starr steps outside the usual episode format to respond to the turbulence of our cultural moment. The constant noise, outrage, and division in public life have left many people feeling powerless, angry, or lost. This episode is not another commentary on the headlines—it is an existential psychologist’s reflection on how to live where your feet are when the world feels fractured.

Drawing on existential psychology and philosophy, RJ explores why anxiety, despair, and absurdity are not new problems but timeless features of the human condition. From Kierkegaard’s insights on despair, to Heidegger’s warning about losing ourselves in “the they,” to Viktor Frankl’s reminder that freedom remains in how we respond—this episode offers perspective for those seeking steadiness in unsteady times.

At the heart of the message is a simple but demanding idea: to reclaim freedom and meaning, we must choose how we live in the present. Instead of being consumed by the endless scroll of outrage and rhetoric, we can root ourselves in what is immediate and real. To live where your feet are is to practice presence, responsibility, and authenticity in daily life—through connection, creation, and grounded action.

RJ shares reflections from his own experience during the pandemic, when meaningful relationships and purposeful work became buffers against despair. He shows how small choices—whether in building community, exploring new paths, or reclaiming time for creativity—are not trivial but existential acts. Each decision to turn away from passivity and toward authorship is a refusal to hand life over to noise and despair.

This special edition is both a response to cultural chaos and a reminder of personal freedom. It is an invitation to step out of the abstraction of headlines and return to the immediacy of living—right where you are.

If you prefer to read, this episode is adapted from a Field Notes in Existential Psychology essay, Living Where Your Feet Are: An Existential Antidote to Cultural Chaos, available at profrjstarr.com. If you prefer to listen, settle in here and hear the essay in full.

RJ Starr is a psychology professor, author, and public educator whose work explores the emotional, cognitive, and existential structures of human life. His writing and teaching blend psychological theory with cultural analysis, focusing on how people make sense of experience, navigate emotional complexity, and maintain identity in times of disruption.

For more essays, podcast episodes, and courses, visit profrjstarr.com.

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Why do some people act as if the rules should bend for them? In this episode of The Psychology of Us, Professor RJ Starr explores entitlement as more than arrogance—it’s a worldview that blurs desire and deserving. From childhood overindulgence or neglect to cultural messages that promise constant reward, entitlement takes root when limits are never fully learned. Consumer culture and social media reinforce it by telling us that attention, speed, and personalization are things we’re owed. The result is fragile confidence, strained relationships, and chronic dissatisfaction. Yet entitlement isn’t permanent. By practicing gratitude, accountability, and humility, we can soften its grip. Starr invites listeners to reflect on when they feel the world owes them, how unmet expectations shape their reactions, and what it means to move from grievance to reciprocity.

#profrjstarr, #thepsychologyofus, #ThePsychologyOfBeingHuman, #psychology, #humanbehavior, #emotionalintelligence, #entitlement, #mentalhealth, #selfawareness, #culturalpsychology, #identity, #personalitypsychology, #relationships, #awarenesspractice

Empathy is one of those words we hear constantly—be more empathetic, teach children empathy, demand it from leaders. Yet for all the talk, very few people can actually explain what empathy really is. Most confuse it with being nice, polite, or sympathetic. But sympathy says, “I feel bad for you.” Empathy goes further. It’s the ability to step into another person’s experience without losing track of your own. That difference might sound subtle, but in psychology, it changes everything.

In this episode of The Psychology of Us, psychology professor and author RJ Starr explores empathy as more than a moral virtue. It is a psychological skill—one that predicts cooperation, resilience, and trust across every level of human life. Families who practice empathy raise children who can regulate emotions and form healthy attachments. Teams built on empathy are more creative, loyal, and effective. Communities where empathy is strong are less vulnerable to cruelty and dehumanization. In contrast, when empathy is absent, connections thin out, misunderstandings multiply, and people grow invisible—and invisibility always breeds anger.

RJ Starr examines how empathy develops from our earliest days. Through the lens of attachment theory, he explains how a caregiver’s attunement—or lack of it—teaches a child whether emotions are safe, overwhelming, or unimportant. From there, empathy branches into two complementary capacities: cognitive empathy, the ability to imagine what someone else is thinking or feeling, and affective empathy, the resonance that stirs when we sense another’s joy or pain. Both matter, but neither can survive without self-regulation. To feel with someone else, you must be steady enough to hold both their experience and your own.

The episode also looks at what blocks empathy. Cultural forces like digital outrage, speed, and constant distraction make empathy feel inconvenient. Psychological factors like trauma, defensiveness, or projection distort our ability to connect. And social scripts convince people that empathy is either weakness or agreement, when in truth it is neither. RJ Starr illustrates how these blocks play out in online debates, family conflicts, and workplaces where people talk past each other. The problem isn’t that empathy disappears—it’s that noise, fear, and habit crowd it out.

Most importantly, the episode highlights practice. Empathy is not a trait you either have or lack; it is a discipline you can build. Simple habits—slowing down before responding, reflecting back what you hear, asking one real question, noticing your own emotional reactions—strengthen your ability to connect. These practices don’t require grand gestures, but they do require patience, curiosity, and presence. Over time, they create conditions where people feel seen, valued, and safe.

Empathy is often dismissed as a soft virtue, but in reality it is one of the hardest and most necessary skills we can ever practice. It requires courage to stay present when retreat or attack would be easier. It requires steadiness to hold another’s reality without collapsing into it. And it requires intention, because our culture rarely rewards slowing down enough to listen. But when practiced, empathy has the power to repair broken relationships, restore fractured communities, and interrupt cycles of disconnection that leave people isolated.

Whether you see yourself as naturally empathetic or you’ve struggled to understand others, RJ Starr reframes empathy as something you can learn, sharpen, and carry into every area of life. Because empathy is not just about kindness. It is about recognizing humanity in another person, and in doing so, strengthening your own.

Why does it feel like people are constantly on the hunt for something to be offended by? A passing remark, a careless joke, even the tone of a post can ignite outrage that spreads like wildfire. In this episode of The Psychology of Us, Professor RJ Starr examines the psychology behind outrage culture and the human need to be offended.

Drawing on social identity theory, moral foundations research, and the cultural conditioning of American individualism, Starr unpacks the hidden functions of offense: how it defends our sense of identity, signals virtue in public, creates social belonging, and offers psychological control in moments of uncertainty. Offense feels personal, but it also operates as a cultural script that teaches us to turn difference into conflict.

This is not about left or right, sensitivity or toughness—it’s about the deeper mechanisms that drive human behavior. By understanding how offense works beneath the surface, we gain the freedom to respond differently: with maturity, curiosity, and a stronger grasp of our own psychology.

If you’ve ever wondered why outrage spreads so quickly, or why offense feels so irresistible, this conversation will help you see the pattern more clearly—and offer a way forward that isn’t chained to reflex.

#profrjstarr, #thepsychologyofus, #psychology, #outrageculture, #identity, #emotions, #culture, #offended, #offense, #outrage, #socialpsychology, #humanbehavior

We don’t like to talk about envy.
It’s one of those emotions that feels petty, even shameful — something we’d rather deny than admit. Most people will tell you they’re “happy” for someone else, maybe even “inspired” by their success. But behind those polite words, there can be something sharper: a quiet mental inventory of what we don’t have, what we haven’t done, and where we think we’re falling behind.

In this episode of The Psychology of Us, we’re pulling envy out of the shadows and into plain view — not to judge it, but to understand it. Because envy isn’t random. It’s a predictable byproduct of how our brains are wired to compare, measure, and place ourselves in relation to others. In an age where we see hundreds of curated lives in our feed every day, those ancient instincts can turn someone else’s joy into a mirror we didn’t ask for, reflecting back our own perceived shortcomings.

We start with a vivid scene: a friend’s trip to Greece — the whitewashed cliffs of Santorini, the deep blue of the Aegean, the elegance of candlelit dinners by the sea. It’s breathtaking. And yet, the mind doesn’t just take in the beauty; it begins asking questions that sound a lot like envy. How did they afford this? How did they meet that person? Why are they living that life while I’m here? In seconds, their moment has been rewritten in our minds as a commentary on our own.

From there, we break envy down into four parts:

• Naming what we don’t name — stripping away the euphemisms and owning the truth about how often envy shows up in subtle ways, even alongside genuine happiness for someone.

• The mechanics of envy — exploring social comparison theory, the self-referential reflex, and how mirror neurons can turn shared joy into scarcity-fueled discomfort.

• The emotional costs — how envy distorts perception, erodes relationships, and quietly drains our sense of enoughness.

• From envy to empathic joy — practical, grounded strategies to interrupt the comparison loop, stay fully present in someone else’s joy, and cultivate the rare skill of celebrating without self-reference.

You’ll learn why envy is so common, why it often hides under layers of politeness, and why it’s not a moral flaw but a mental reflex in an environment our brains weren’t built for. More importantly, you’ll learn how to notice it, name it, and shift it into something that actually strengthens connection rather than eroding it.

By the end of the episode, we circle back to that balcony in Greece — but this time, we imagine seeing it without making it about us. Just letting it be theirs. Because the truth is, when we stop turning every beautiful thing into a mirror, we get to live in a world where beauty enriches us all, even if it never belongs to us directly.

Whether you’ve struggled with envy in obvious ways or only in the quiet moments you’d never admit out loud, this conversation will give you language, perspective, and tools to handle it differently. You’ll leave not with guilt for feeling envy, but with clarity about what it’s telling you — and the freedom to choose what you do next.

Their view doesn’t have to be your mirror.
It can just be their view.
And you can be glad it exists.

What does it actually mean to live by your values?

Not to write them down. Not to say them out loud. But to live them—especially when no one’s watching. Especially when you’re tempted to do otherwise.

In this episode of The Psychology of Us, Professor RJ Starr explores one of the most powerful forms of agency we rarely talk about: restraint. The kind that sounds like, “I could, but I’m not going to.”

That one sentence carries enormous psychological weight. It’s the difference between acting from impulse and acting from intention. It’s the difference between self-justification and self-authorship. It’s what transforms values from abstract ideas into lived identity.

This episode breaks the topic down into four segments:

1. The Misunderstanding of Values
Most people mistake values for traits or ideals, but values aren’t something you say you have—they’re something you prove through action. This segment explores how people inherit values unconsciously, how performative behavior often replaces principled living, and why values are only revealed when tested.

2. I Could, But I’m Not Going To
Restraint is often misunderstood as repression, but in reality, it’s one of the clearest signs of inner freedom. This segment looks at how agency is expressed through the conscious decision not to act on every urge, impulse, or rationalization. We examine the psychology behind deliberate inaction, and how those moments of restraint build internal strength and integrity.

3. Values as Identity Anchors
The more your decisions align with your core values, the more coherent your identity becomes. This segment explores the relationship between repeated values-based action and self-concept clarity. When your values shape your behavior—even when it costs you comfort, popularity, or short-term reward—you build trust in yourself that no external validation can replace.

4. The Trap of Rationalization and the Gift of Clarity
When people act out of alignment with their values, they rarely admit it. Instead, they rationalize. This segment unpacks the subtle ways we deceive ourselves in the name of convenience or image management—and how clarity is restored through radical self-honesty. The goal is not perfection, but coherence: making decisions that reflect the kind of life you want to live, not just the mood you’re in.

Throughout the episode, Starr brings together insights from psychology, identity theory, self-determination research, and behavioral neuroscience. The result is a grounded, emotionally intelligent reflection on what it means to practice values—not as ideals, but as daily, embodied choices.

If you’ve ever struggled to say no when it matters, or to stay centered when everything around you is pulling you in another direction, this episode is for you.

Because in a world that confuses reaction with freedom, values are the only real compass.

And sometimes, the most powerful thing you can say is:

I could.
But I’m not going to.

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The Psychology of Us is hosted by Professor RJ Starr, a psychology educator, researcher, and author whose work explores emotion, identity, self-awareness, and the cultural forces shaping modern behavior.

New episodes every Tuesday. Available wherever you listen to podcasts.

Website: https://profrjstarr.com/the-psychology-of-us

#thepsychologyofus, #profrjstarr, #values, #identity, #psychology, #selfawareness, #integrity

Why does being second feel so uncomfortable?

You’re already going fast. The car in front of you is, too. But something in your chest tightens. You feel the pressure to pass, to get ahead—even if it changes nothing about your arrival time. This episode explores that exact moment: the psychological discomfort of not being first.

In this episode of The Psychology of Us, Professor RJ Starr unpacks the deeper emotional layers behind one of the most ordinary but telling human behaviors: the drive to pass. Whether it's on the road, in line at the grocery store, or in the subtle power dynamics of daily life, we examine why people get irritated, reactive, and even aggressive when someone else gets there first.

What appears to be impatience or competitiveness is often a mask for something more fragile: status anxiety, emotional dysregulation, and a fragile ego system built on external validation. Being first offers a brief illusion of control. And in a world that leaves many people feeling powerless, unseen, or irrelevant, even small moments—like who gets to merge first or who speaks first in a meeting—become emotionally loaded.

We explore:

• Why the need to be first is often rooted in psychological survival
• How driving becomes a theatre for displacement, dominance, and power restoration
• The difference between ambition and control addiction
• How fragile ego systems use “winning” to regulate self-worth
• Why people interpret being second as a personal threat instead of a neutral fact
• The emotional cost of treating ordinary moments like competitions
• What it reveals about your nervous system when you can’t let someone go ahead

Through grounded psychological insight and clear real-world examples, RJ Starr offers listeners a mirror: not just into why people behave the way they do on the road, but how those same control patterns show up in families, friendships, group chats, and work meetings.

We talk about how the smallest moments—letting someone in, waiting your turn, choosing not to assert—become powerful markers of emotional maturity. And how real power isn’t loud or rushed. It’s steady. It doesn’t panic when someone else goes first. It doesn’t tie self-worth to placement.

This isn’t an episode about road rage. It’s about the deeper psychology of urgency, status, and emotional fragility—and what it takes to step out of the loop.

Because the real question isn’t, “Why do people drive like that?”
It’s: What are they trying to prove? And to who?

And more importantly—
What would change in your life if you no longer needed to be first?

We think of sarcasm as funny. Harmless. Witty.
But what if sarcasm is doing more than making people laugh?

In this episode of The Psychology of Us, we take a deeper look at sarcasm—not as a personality trait or comedic style, but as a psychological strategy. Why do people use sarcasm in the first place? What are they protecting? And what’s the emotional cost of being on the receiving end of a joke that wasn’t really a joke?

Sarcasm is a form of verbal irony—where what’s said and what’s meant are intentionally different. It requires decoding, inference, emotional control. And while it can be playful in the right context, it often functions as something else entirely: a mask, a defense, a form of indirect emotional expression that protects the speaker at the expense of the listener.

For many people, sarcasm is a tool learned early. In homes where vulnerability wasn’t safe, sarcasm became a way to express pain without being exposed. In cultures that reward cleverness over sincerity, sarcasm became a currency of belonging. But what happens when that habit gets so ingrained, it replaces directness? What does it do to our relationships when humor becomes a stand-in for honesty?

We explore what sarcasm communicates beyond the surface—and why it so often leaves people feeling uneasy, small, or subtly hurt. From the emotional double-bind it creates (“If I speak up, I’m sensitive. If I don’t, I carry it alone”) to the long-term erosion of trust it can cause, we name the psychological patterns that usually go unspoken.

We also ask when sarcasm does work. Because sometimes, it’s a shared language between people who know each other well. It can be bonding, even intimate. But only when safety, trust, and mutual understanding are firmly in place.

This episode is about the line between humor and harm. About the words we use to keep things light, and what we’re actually avoiding when we do. It’s about emotional literacy, power, and the subtle ways we teach each other whether it’s safe to be real.

If you’ve ever laughed at something sarcastic and felt a quiet ache underneath… or if sarcasm is your default and you’re not sure why… this one’s worth listening to.

Not all jokes are harmless.
Some are emotional messages in disguise.

You’ve done everything right. You’ve shown up. You’ve taken care of people. You’ve made it through the day. And now, finally, it’s quiet. There’s no immediate crisis pulling at you, no emergency to fix, no one urgently needing your attention. But instead of peace, you feel… off. Not panicked. Not depressed. Just… unmoored. Restless. Like something’s missing, but you can’t quite name what.

That feeling? It might be existential anxiety.

In this episode of The Psychology of Us, we explore one of the most misunderstood emotional experiences of modern life: the low hum of unease that settles in when the noise stops. Unlike clinical anxiety, existential anxiety isn’t about fear of failure or fear of people. It’s not triggered by deadlines, trauma, or social situations. It’s not about something. It’s about everything.

This is the ache that surfaces when we confront the raw facts of being human: that we are mortal, alone in our inner experience, free to choose but responsible for the shape of our lives, and ultimately tasked with making meaning in a world that doesn’t hand it to us. These are what existential psychologists call the “ultimate concerns”—and most of us feel them more than we realize.

This kind of anxiety isn’t pathological. It’s not a sign that something’s broken. It’s a sign that something in you is awake.

Over the course of this 20-minute episode, we walk through:

• Why existential anxiety tends to show up in stillness, transitions, and even moments of success

• How modern culture mislabels it as burnout, depression, or dysfunction

• The emotional defenses we unconsciously build—busyness, distraction, perfectionism, over-control—to outrun the discomfort of being

• Four fundamental truths we’re all quietly reckoning with: mortality, freedom, isolation, and meaninglessness

• Why existential anxiety isn’t a glitch in your system, but a call toward meaning, alignment, and presence

You’ll also hear the story of someone you’ve probably met in different forms: a woman in her 50s, post-divorce, post-childrearing, post-career scramble, trying to reclaim her life—and struggling to understand the ache that’s arrived in the silence. Her story may sound a lot like yours.

This episode doesn’t offer false comfort. It doesn’t promise to fix the ache or erase the ambiguity. Because existential anxiety isn’t something to be solved. It’s something to be honored. Understood. Walked with.

We end by asking different questions—more honest ones. Not “How do I make this go away?” but “What is this asking me to face?” “What kind of life do I want to live, if I stop performing and start choosing?”

If you’ve ever felt like something is wrong with you because you can’t shake that strange internal drift—even when everything looks fine on the outside—this episode is for you.

Because maybe the ache you’re feeling isn’t a breakdown.
Maybe it’s the beginning of something real.

RJ Starr

http://profrjstarr.com