Laura Zhu has a psychology degree from UC Berkeley and is wise beyond her years. This is our conversation discussing relationships, losing friends, therapy, psychology, and parents.

Timestamps:

00:00:00 - 00:01:05 Changing through pain

00:01:06 - 00:02:55 Grieving the loss of relationships and innocence

00:02:56 - 00:04:15 Being desperate for love

00:04:16 - 00:10:40 Realizations through therapy

00:10:41 - 00:16:55 Being unable to admit fault

00:16:56 - 00:25:22 The danger of black and white thinking

00:25:23 - 00:28:27 How to combat black and white thinking

00:28:28 - 00:30:35 Why everyone should do therapy

00:30:36 - 00:36:45 Idealizing love, life, people and relationships

00:36:46 - 00:42:00 How to not be afraid of relationships falling apart

00:42:01 - 00:51:34 How to be more balanced / Should we be balanced?

00:51:35 - 01:04:06 Darth Vader’s choice

01:04:07 - 01:09:35 Doing the right thing even when suffering

01:09:36 - 01:15:47 Dealing with parents and intergenerational trauma

01:15:48 - 01:17:17 Outro

Unfortunately, I accidentally deleted my camera’s footage when trying to clear memory on my phone, so there’s no camera switching in this episode.

The following is a very special episode of Defining Moments, as I got to interview Paul Shen, who is my uncle. He’s a retired financial services executive who worked at Citibank for 36 years before transitioning into being a full-time pastor. We discuss some important moments in his life such as seamingly being miraculously healed of a heart defect at birth, immigrating from Japan to the United States at just 16, getting re-assigned positions mid-career, losing most of his net worth in the 2008 financial crisis, having his heart problems resurface, pastoring in his 60’s and just recently being diagnosed with end-stage heart failure. Paul has led an inspiring life that has impacted thousands of people and we get to hear a little bit of the behind the scenes of his life in this episode. The theme of this episode is the difference between our generations (Boomers and Millennials).

Intro 0:00:00 - 0:02:30 Growing up in Japan 0:02:31 - 0:06:55 College in America 0:11:12 - 0:21:50Working for Citibank 0:21:51 - 0:36:55Meme Stocks 0:36:56 - 0:38:562008 Financial Crisis 0:38:57 - 0:44:23Loyalty to Citibank 0:44:24 - 0:45:25Transitioning to Full-Time Pastoring 0:45:26 - 0:59:20 End-stage Heart Failure Diagnosis 0:59:21 - 1:06:09 Lessons in Crisis 1:06:10 - 1:11:08Outro 1:11:09 - 1:11:43

Dominik and his sister were sitting on the couch watching TV when four masked men forced their way in and executed their father. They tortured Dominik by beating him, firing rounds next to his ear, rupturing his eardrum, and stabbing him in the buttock. They dragged his sister into a room and raped her for 30 minutes and then threatened to kill them if they didn’t leave the country. How does one recover from such horrific experiences? He now lives as a refugee in Greece, but cannot find a stable job, since he doesn’t speak the language well.

In this episode, we hear how having an abusive mother and an absent father sent a 4.0 student down a path of limerence and narcissistic defenses, resulting in a life of failure, mental illness, suffering, and loneliness. He became obsessed with his calculus professor after she briefly was the supportive parental figure he never had. For eight years, he’s been obsessively trying to connect to her in any way possible, unable to get her out of his mind every waking hour and often even in his sleep. He dreams about her at least every other week and hopes to be able to talk to her just once more before he dies, despite a very clear message that she never wants to interact with him ever again. This phenomenon is known as limerence.

To better understand limerence, check out my series on limerence here:

In his desperation, he turned to the ideologies of narcissists and misogynists such as Andrew Tate for hope.

How can broken, unwanted men develop healthy masculinity? Is it possible to have a decent life after childhood abuse? What should one do when medication and therapy are not effective? Hear how he has tried to build resilience despite these challenges.

The biggest takeaway from this episode is that the words we say to children and the emotional support we give them determine the trajectory of their lives.Words 💬 by Tum Ulit

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Angel Chavez grew up on the streets of Oakland and his life took a turn from being an A-student to dealing drugs and eventually becoming addicted himself. He has been the victim of discrimination, but pushed through and achieved his dream of opening a tattoo shop only to lose it all after being stabbed by his brother. He now teaches jiu-jitsu and creates digital art. Listen to his story and be in awe of his resilience and positive attitude toward the hardships of life.

0:49-6:39 Being an Action Extra in Hollywood6:40-10:42 Training Kids in Jiu Jitsu10:43-11:12 Dangers of the Chokehold11:13-14:34 Trying to Prove Yourself Physically in School14:35-17:41 The Pressure to Impress Other Kids17:52-20:25 Why Pain is Necessary For Growth20:38-22:37 How Do You Teach Accountability and Responsibility?22:51-26:19 How I Fell in Love With Jiu-Jitsu26:20-28:24 How Jiu-Jitsu Changes You28:32-34:20 Getting Arrested for No Reason34:48-36:16 Defending My 2nd Amendment Rights36:17-40:36 We All Go Through Hardships40:37-42:20 Why Those Cops Were Lucky42:21-47:26 Growing Up in Oakland47:27-49:46 Fitting In49:47-50:25 We Are All Equipped to Succeed50:26-53:00 Identity Comes From Environment53:01-55:24 Having Someone to Talk To55:25-57:40 Near Death Experience + Losing My Dream Job57:41-1:00:00 Giving and Receiving Love1:00:01-1:01:40 Life is Precious1:01:41-1:02:39 Being Homeless1:02:40-1:04:06 Make Someone Else’s Day a Little Better1:04:07-1:20:14 Relationships and Breakups1:20:15-1:28:25 Being Stabbed By My Brother1:28:26-1:33:19 Addiction and Dopamine1:33:20-1:37:14 Selling Drugs1:37:15-1:41:05 Trying Drugs and Getting Addicted1:41:06-1:41:54 Appreciating the Little Things1:41:55-1:44:41 Life Lessons1:44:42-1:46:22 Influences1:46:23-1:47:59 The Impact of Jiu Jitsu1:48:00-1:53:02 There’s No Lying in Jiu Jitsu1:53:03-1:55:01 It’s Not Gonna Be Easy1:55:02-2:00:00 Conspiracy Theories2:00:01-2:05:35 Our Rights and Privileges2:05:36-2:10:50 Government Corruption2:10:51-2:17:42 The Joy of Doing Laundry2:17:43-2:25:16 Freedoms