The Ranches Podcast

Join The Ranches as they explore the fringe. The fringe is when you're kind of on the edge of a spectrum, political, parenting or whatever it is. It's the extreme edges of not mainstream, it's on the fringe of things.



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Today we're going to talk about control and control issues. We are all at some point or another catapulted into this idea that we need to have control of something.

It's important that we as parents recognize our obligation to our children at this time.



The appropriate response to these last few weeks is staying home, limiting your exposure and only going out for essentials. That's an appropriate response. Hoarding necessities is not, and kids are paying attention to that.

For children to become responsible adults we need to teach them proper accountability. If we do this, children will not grow up to become adults that think nothing they do is wrong.

Most kids when they get to a point where they're overwhelmed they get into a mini tantrum of some sort.



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I’ve worked with “at risk” youth for most of my adult life and have lived with for my entire life. In that time, some things have stayed the same while other things have changed in startling ways. Kids often hope for value, acceptance, and appreciation. That has stayed extremely consistent. What has changed is the tendency to feel offended.



Whether learned or copied, being offended has become a overly relied upon strategy for dealing with challenges from others. It takes disagreement and forces a victim-perpetrator dynamic upon differences of opinion. Disagreement takes work and a willingness to regulate one’s emotional responses so as to find resolution. Offense allows for an abrupt end to disagreement by prioritizing the victim and vilifying the perceived perpetrator. Kids are paying attention to adults and are learning to silence those who disagree or offer constructive criticism. For me, it serves little to no purpose unless it is in response to personal and unfair attacks. I most often choose not to fall into it simply because it serves to silence healthy communication and disagreement.



Healthy Communication



Healthy relationships allow for disagreement, but more importantly, allows for growth and an expansion of thought. Ultimately, a diversity of thought is important. I often stay engaged long past the point where others walk away. We may be better off if we start considering where others are coming from while choosing to carefully and thoughtfully considering our own views on things.



Many of the kids and adults that I’ve worked with have some unhealthy and self destructive tendencies and beliefs. It is hard to challenge those tendencies and beliefs when kids and adults don't accept differences in opinion. As the adult, I choose to set an example of working through differences, listening, challenging, explaining and trying to understand where others are coming from. I don’t always get it right, and I have room to grow. I tend to try to always seek first to understand and then to be understood. Unfortunately, many that I’ve worked with want to be understood before gracing others with a desire to understand.



As A Result



As a result, I work to choose not to be the victim of others, or offended by them. Difference in opinion is healthy. Feeling offended can limit relationships with people who see the world differently. I strive for value, acceptance , and appreciation, too. I value a relationship as long as it supports difference in opinion.



Learn more at: https://www.theranches.org



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Accountability - The Ranches is a place for kids to get a fresh start and to develop new tools and learn new ways of navigating life. In most cases, kids come to The Ranches with inadequate and unhealthy ways of dealing with relationships and with conflict. Initially, we start the process of orienting kids to their new living environment.



While we’ve all had to navigate these situations in our lives, for young people this can be fairly traumatic. Everything is new. It is in this first phase that we begin to see how kids naturally operate. How they handle peers. Is change difficult. How they deal with and view authority and, in many cases, how they see themselves. When kids first arrive at The Ranches, we see them at their most raw and their most vulnerable…and often scared of what is to come.



As kids adjust, we start to introduce accountability and help them to see how it effects their daily lives. In many cases they have experienced inconsistent, unpredictable and sometimes violent accountability. For most of the kids, this creates a hesitation to accountability.



Definition of accountability:



The quality or state of being accountable - especially: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions.



As you can probably imagine, most kids – really most people – struggle with accountability…especially when it comes from perceived strangers. Along with accountability usually comes conflict, stress and a plethora of negative behaviors. For the staff of The Ranches, this is often uncomfortable and difficult to emotionally process. Why does this child that I don’t really know seem to hate me and everything that I try to communicate with them? Well, this is the work that we do.



To understand the struggle with -accountability, it helps to know what kinds of behaviors that we deal with in kids when we attempt to introduce consistent, caring, committed accountability. In working with the kids at The Ranches, our goal for accountability is for them to achieve competence and competence requires accountability. Their resistance to competence and accountability usually comes in several forms.



Transfer of Blame



Kids often seek to transfer blame to others. In transfer of blame situations, we see the blame become the most relevant part of accountability to the child. “It wasn’t my fault! My roommate did it!” or “You’re not my parent!” are typical utterances at The Ranches. While one is true and one may indeed be true, these statements serve the child by transferring the all-important blame for the transgression onto someone else. “It isn’t my fault,” therefore you can’t, or shouldn’t, hold ME accountable.



“I need (vs. want) this!”



We work tirelessly to meet the needs of the kids at The Ranches. It is part of our mission. Because of our deliberate choice in meeting the needs of our residents, the kids often attempt to turn their wants in to needs in an effort to force us, through guilt, to give in to their wants. Turning accountability into an accusation of not meeting their needs is a powerful strategy. “I lied because I didn’t feel safe enough to tell the truth” is just one example of this behavior. Safety is a basic need and reshaping situations to be a need unmet is typical and, at times, prolific. “How can you hold me accountable for how I attempt to get my needs met?”



“Just kidding”



In many cases, accountability is applied to kids for the hurtful things said to others. While it is rarely effective, it is a “go to” for many kids. The idea is that, if they didn’t mean anything negative and were simply making a joke, they shouldn’t be held accountable for someone else taking of...

One of the only ways accountability can really exist is to have reasonable consequences. Everybody has a different version of reasonable, but kids do need consequences for their behaviors.

Welcome to The Ranches "Raise Them Up" parenting podcast.



We know kids do respect and want limits. We also know, that a relationship can get fractured to the point where a child does not respect the parent. If that's the case then things can get very difficult. It can be difficult to get back on track.



Learn more at: https://www.theranches.org

Welcome to The Ranches "Raise Them Up" parenting podcast.



Equine Gestalt Coaching is life coaching with the assistance of horses. We're able to raise awareness about different issues we may have.



Learn more at: https://www.theranches.org/equine-coaching



and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffOQ9kuMYgw