The Reactionaries: An Action Movie Podcast

The boys are back with an episode recorded in person! They take a look at Street Fighter (1994) and ask themselves questions about destiny, megalomaniacal dictators, the amount of cocaine done by JCVD and, of course, NFL football? There was a good movie somewhere in here, but poor Steven E. de Souza (Die Hard, Commando) got hemmed in by Jean-Claude Van Damme's insanity. 

This movie is for rent on YouTube, and next week's movie is for rent everywhere... F9! We return to our friends, the Torettos, and the dumbest crew on the face of the earth... and also, off the face of the earth!

The boys are back in town, with Robert Patrick, Alyssa Milano, Alyssa Milano's ex-boyfriend and the Chairman from Iron Chef: America! Nintendecember rolls on with Double Dragon, one of the few movies we do that the actors don't universally hate. In this, we explore if Alyssa Milano is one of the most sadistic villains in movie history, what exactly Bo Abobo is supposed to be, what the different gangs of New Angeles stand for, and the Hollywood sign conspicuously being 10 feet above sea level.

Next time we will take on Street Fighter! 

Double Dragon is on YouTube, for free. Just search for it. It's right there!

You can read about how many days of the week there are here.

The Boys return with their end-of-year run through bad video game movies. This week they take on Uwe Boll's 2005 uh... masterpiece(?)... BloodRayne. In this flick, Rayne is a half-vampire who needs to break out of the tutorial and go on several quests for in-game items before defeating the final boss... Ben Kingsley! This movie has two Reactionaries alums, Michael Madsen (L.A.P.D.: To Protect and to Serve) and Michelle Rodriguez (Fast & Furious franchise, The Assignment), with Rodriguez doing her best and Madsen doing... well, nothing. It also has Meat Loaf with a gaggle of Romanian prostitutes and a great diet plan.

BloodRayne is sitting on YouTube, for free, as is next week's movie... Double Dragon (1994)! A dystopic future thriller that definitely isn't just The Medallion again, plus... Alyssa Milano's pants and Robert Patrick as a guy named "Koga Shuko."

Jeff and Joe kontemplate the ikonik 1997 klassic, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. This is the story of a group of aktors who did not want to rekreate their roles as Earth's Greatest Fighters, and instead did much kleverer things with their kareers. Instead, karacters were all played by a small group of aktors, since wearing masks makes it work. Plus, this was the movie debut of the man behind one of the most iconic sci-fi characters of all-time!

This kinematic masterpiece... wait that one doesn't work... is on HBO Max.

 Next week's movie, BloodRayne (2005) is sitting there, for free, on YouTube. It stars two Reactionaries friends: Michelle Rodriguez, and Michael Madsen.

The Boys are back after one of us tried to become a spooky scary ghost and get sick. So, no Slender Man this month, only Thir-thirteen-en Ghosts! This is a "remake" of a movie from 1960, but all they took were the ghosts and the glasses. Everything else is basically just a bunch of people wandering around a glasshouse filled with spooky scaries.

Thirteen Ghosts stars Tony Shalhoub, Shannon Elizabeth, F. Murray Abraham, and the incomparable Matthew Lillard as a lunatic psychic exploring a house slash devil machine. The boys answer questions like "was the little boy's murder a cover up?", "did Bobby kill his mother?", "why does Satan need a failsafe?" and of course, the question that plagues us all: "why is there a squish room?" and the question we ask most frequently: "WHO IS F. MURRAY ABRAHAM'S RUSE FOR?!"

Thirteen Ghosts is on HBO Max.

The rest of the year will be spent on video game movies! In Nintendovember and Nintendecember, will explore Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997, HBO Max), BloodRayne (2005, YouTube), Double Dragon (1994, YouTube), and Street Fighter (1994, 123Movies)!

Joe and Jeff take a reprieve from blockbusters by getting into the podcast's bread and butter: low-budget schlock that snookered big-name actors into a paycheck. L.A.P.D.: To Protect and to Serve never lives up to its first five minutes, and tells the story of a group of crooked cops, who just want to steal boomboxes and have some parties in peace. Instead, there's a ding-dong and his father mucking everything up. This "stars" Dennis Hopper, who never leaves the police station, and Michael Madsen, who selectively removes his sunglasses. 

L.A.P.D.: To Protect and to Serve is based on a true story and was mercifully scrubbed from the internet in most places. But, you can still find it on 123movies.com. 

Next episode's movie is Slender Man (2018) as the boys do a Brawloween two-step with that then Thir Thirteen En Ghosts (2001), which is on HBO Max this month.

Do you like the hit 1996 blockbuster Independence Day? Well, go watch that one, instead! Independence Day: Resurgence is too long, with too many characters (including a barely-there cameo from the first movie), with too many things ripped off from the first flick, and with people not caring enough. It's like Ready Player One if the moviemakers had only seen Independence Day.

Find out what the "Wilhelm Scream of Boats" is, how many things they lifted straight from the original ID4, including one horrific caricature they lifted straight from a prior era/Nazi propaganda, and who got a "Wendy from Wendy's" done to them. 

Independence Day: Resurgence is 2 hours of our lives we will never get back, but we recommend you watch it because so much of this movie ended up memory hold and it came out only FIVE YEARS AGO!

Plus there's a little treat in the outro that gives you the same disconcerting feeling as watching the movie.

Next week we get back to our low-budget schlock roots with LAPD: To Protect and to Serve starring Dennis Hopper and Michael Madsen. Then, it's BRAWLOWEEN 2.0 with Slender Man and 13 Ghosts! LAPD: To Protect and to Serve is only on illicit streaming sites so count to three... movies, and you can find it. 

This week's movie is Jaws 3-D (1983)! Per IMDb: "A giant thirty-five-foot shark becomes trapped in a SeaWorld theme park and it's up to the sons of police chief Brody to rescue everyone." This flick stars an incredibly coked up Dennis Quaid, Bess Armstrong, Lou Gossett Jr, Lea Thompson, and some dolphins!

The guys watch one of the more boring movies they've watched for this little misadventure. They do manage to ask if you can bully a shark, get a sponsor (?), engage in casual shark misogyny and play America's Favorite Game Show: Legislative Branch Fish! They also explore if Jurassic Park just ripped off Jaws 3-D and wonder why exactly the head of the facility talks like he's in a banned Disney movie.

Jaws 3-D is on Amazon Prime this month. Next episode's movie... Independence Day: Resurgence... is behind paywalls. And may God have mercy on you if you peek behind one of those paywalls to watch it.

The guys are back watching some of the worst blockbusters ever created! This time they watch Speed 2: Cruise Control, a movie that nobody wanted to make, especially Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. In this one they explore alternative medicine treatments, just how small Jason Patric's penis is, can children self-arrange marriages, and just how far LAPD jurisdiction extends.

Speed 2: Cruise Control is on HBO Max. So is next episode's movie... Jaws 3!

The boys take a quick detour from The Summer of Blockbusters to talk about an old friend... Ron Marchini is back! This time, he has the Eric Bana Hulk to the Ed Norton Hulk. We disavow all connections from Murder in the Orient to the Ron Marchini Cinematic Universe. 

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to use two swords instead of a piece of paper to form a map? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have $10 million somewhere... out there? And have you ever had your plans to get two swords (to make one map) unravel because you're just unbearably horny? Really riled up? Cranked up to 11? Then, you have something in common with the folks in Murder in the Orient!

This flick follows the trials and tribulations of INTERPOL's top agents: a random woman's brother, and some guy she met once. They battle it out with the Golden Cobra clan, whose dastardly schemes are constantly derailed by someone giving out knives to the chronically frothing among the crew.

This movie is impossible to find. Google tries to save us from ourselves by constantly suggesting, instead, Murder on the Orient Express. We should have gone with their suggestions. 

Unfortunately, this will likely be the last Ron Marchini movie covered on this podcast, because it's impossible to find "Dragon's Quest" without two swords. And we only have one sword, so we only have half the map. 

Next week's movie has a *slightly* bigger budget... it's Speed 2: Cruise Control! Speed 2 is on HBO Max and has all of your old friends from the first one! Well, except Keanu Reeves, and Dennis Hopper, and Jeff Daniels, and... well, the bus! Instead, it's Sandra Bullock, Jason Patric, Willem Dafoe, Temuera Morrison, and a bunch of leeches. Jeff's wife unironically likes this movie. Enjoy!