The Rivers Die Podcast

Justin is in Peru on wine and one prepod beer while Mike and Joe try to learn the local horn language, from a casual beep to a full die motherfucker die blast. The boys bounce from Mormon temple garments versus Mennonites, chirping smoke alarms, cyanide versus carbon monoxide, and a shock video rabbit hole that starts at two girls one cup and lands on two kids one sandbox. Then they measure the observable universe in chickens stacked on the Isle of Man until the sludge is seventy three miles high and ready to clip Starlink.

S01 E13 - August 27, 2026

Joe and Mike kick off with USB-C power quirks, why Macs just work while Windows stays buggy, and the never-ending Samsung TV lag that requires an hour of “warm-up.” Justin finally shows up and the conversation immediately goes sideways: DFW installing foot-washing stations, Pastor Manning’s unfiltered rants, soaking-and-shaking myths, Army red cards versus Marine “die motherfucker die” training, and pure absurdist math about blending every human who’s ever lived into a 43-foot-deep squishy carpet on the Isle of Man. Classic late-night hang that somehow covers greenhouses, nukes on the moon, and why Dollar General still sells Shiner.

S01 E12 - August 13, 2026

Mike and Joe open fire on the eternal war against bad drivers: zipper merges nobody understands, Hawaii’s retarded traffic circles, Saddle Road body count, and whether seatbelt laws are safety or just another money grab. Justin rolls in, casually builds a playable Counter-Strike clone in Grok Build mid-episode, hosts it live, and they all start shooting each other while the pod is still going. Then a full Kentucky Fried Minute deep dive on the kid who murdered his sister’s chicken twice and the neighbor who brought it back with actual mouth-to-beak CPR, Joe’s brand-new piss-catcher jockstrap system, blackout hotel corner stories, and a full inventory of every glass dildo and pocket pussy currently living at Walmart.

S01 E11 August 8, 2026

Joe cracks the Okolehau (a clear Hawaiian cane-and-tea-root spirit from Ola Brew) and a big Perdomo while Michael sips Angels Envy and a Texas-size cigar. Justin shows up late from the doghouse with a Pisco Sour and no cigar. They dig into leaded avgas, jet streams, Hawaiian spaceports, the fuel-delivery app getting real, nonlinear speeding math, flock cameras, Aussie Traitors, and somehow end up roasting Subarus as the official lesbian vehicle before the afterpod horse chaos hits.

S01 E11 - July 30, 2026

Joe maps out the flock camera network logging plates and movements while people start running them over and shooting them. Then we dig into sovereign citizen pull-overs, the right to travel vs driving as a privilege, and whether America is secretly Morocco. Somehow that turns into a full physics breakdown of Mormon soaking, Amish rumspringa, property taxes, and why birds (and pigeons) are liars.

S01 E10 - July 23, 2026

Mike just racked up forty-five hundred miles in a week: Arizona, Wyoming, Washington, Seattle and back. The boys dig into fuel-delivery apps, microwave steaks, and whether people used to live nine hundred years before the flood wiped the tech. Iraq burn-barrel flare disasters, Travel John sponsorship pitches, moon cities, and the Hawaii false nuke alert all make an appearance. Beers got poured, sound effects got fired, and nobody got cancelled… yet.

S01 E09 - July 16, 2026

Mike, Justin, and Joe crack open some cold ones for a loose, beer-fueled hangout that bounces from UFC drama and World Cup conspiracies to political assassinations, retail tech of the future, and ridiculous personal stories. Expect unfiltered takes on everything from phone-locking pants disasters and Walmart receipt Nazis to Optimus robots, submarine hygiene hacks, Hawaiian coconut lore, and whether Conor McGregor threw a fight. Classic Rivers Die chaos — nothing is off-limits.

S01 E08 - July 12, 2026

The boys shoot the shit in real time, jumping from Mike’s Washington vacation and horseback riding stories, to wild dreams after quitting weed, World Cup soccer drama, and deep dives into conspiracy theories like the “ghost murmur” quantum heartbeat detector and Iranian jellyfish/octopus drone swarms.Expect constant tangents, soundboard drops, crude humor (“guns, titties, beer, and freedom”), personal stories (arrests, rodeos, family run-ins), and their running gag of trying to get countries, states, or gun companies to sponsor them without taking any money. They proudly bill themselves as an “educational podcast”… just taught from the back of the class with zero filter.It’s basically what happens when three smart, slightly unhinged family members get on a call with beers and no agenda.

S01 E07 - July 02, 2026

Justin and Joe crack open some beers and let the conversation wander. They start with brewing challenges on a volcanic island, homebrewing mead, wild yeast experiments, and beekeeping disasters (including ancient swarm-catching tricks).

The talk shifts to soccer flops and VAR, daycare safety stories, then goes deep on Chinese solar panel backdoors, power-line hacking, military “discombobulator” tech, and whether quantum computers are hype.

They eventually land on the big questions: Can math prove God? Chaos theory, Descartes, biblical interpretation, and why personal faith often feels more real than organized religion.

A classic beer-fueled ramble that goes from hops to the heavens.

S01 E06 - June 25, 2026

In this episode the boys recap a wild Reddit take on human capital vs money capital in the AI era (and the “just murder everyone” solution), reveal that Peter McIndoe from Birds Aren’t Real is still alive, debate grass-fed Hawaiian beef vs mainland grain-fed, brainstorm better sex toy technology, geek out over Elon Musk’s trillionaire status and In Time movie parallels, complain about getting old on stairs, and dream about Tesla-style wireless home electricity. Plus Justin’s late arrival, Panda Express drama, and the usual beautiful tangents. Grab a beer and dive in.

S01 E05 - June 18, 2026