The Safety To Speak

This week my essay Equally Yoked, was released. It discussed being matched with someone in psychological and emotional maturity. This episode is its own conversation on the same subject.

Find the essay below:

In this episode

* The self audit: do you need to be in charge, and what storm is that control managing?

* Nose blindness, and why the outsider can smell what the family can’t

* The customer service voice, and what it reveals about choice and discipline

* Relating to someone’s role instead of to them, and how that gets passed down

* America as a family system, and why joy and laughter might be the binding serum

Sit with these

* Where in your relationships do you become the one in charge, and what storm inside of you is that control managing?

* What might you be nose blind to in your own family, and who has tried to point it out?

* Who gets your customer service voice, who gets the other one, and what does that tell you about the choice available to you?

* When did you last defend your behavior before you acknowledged it, and what would acknowledgment have sounded like?

* Who do you laugh with, and when did you last share joy with someone who sees the world differently?

Keep exploring

Watch my latest YouTube video:

Get From Crumbs to Cake ebook. It’s free, with the option to donate if you’d like to support the work:

Have a situation of your own?

Are you navigating a situation that’s left you questioning yourself, your relationships, or what to do next? Write in! Share your situation anonymously or under a pseudonym, and it might be featured in a future episode.

Fill out the form: HERE

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A quick note from SavThis is an educational and conversational space. I happen to work as a psychotherapist, but this podcast is not psychotherapy, and the perspectives shared here aren’t intended to replace individualized mental health care. Whatever comes up that is uncomfortable, write that down! That is data for you.🫶🏽

The Safety to Speak™ is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

ReferencesThe full reference list lives at the bottom of Equally Yoked, including Gottman (1994), Gibson (2015), Kerr and Bowen (1988), Goffman (1959), Hochschild (1983), Buber (1970), Kurtz and Algoe (2015), and Hill (2011).

Much love, xo

—Sav

What happens when you’re a grown adult still living as if your parents run the house? In this episode, I’m thinking out loud about emotional colonization, the luxury to drift, control as fear, and how some of us are still waiting for permission that we no longer need. Whose permission are you still waiting for?

In this episode

* What it means to let a parent “emotionally colonize” your home, whether or not they live there

* Drifting, and who pays the bill when one person gets to check out

* Why control is often fear looking for safety

* Where compassion meets willingness, and why you can’t skip that step

* What breadcrumbs have to do with all of it

You can find the free download to the Ebook mentioned down below.

Reflective prompts

* Whose permission am I still waiting for, and what am I waiting on it for?

* What rule in my home did I never actually choose?

* Who would I be disappointing if I changed it?

* Is someone holding things down so I can check out, or am I the one holding it down?

* What do I notice in my body when I imagine making that decision on my own?

Keep exploring

* Watch my latest YouTube video:

Read this week’s essay:

Get From Crumbs to Cake ebook HERE

Until Next time Data Collectors!

— Sav

Hey Data Collectors! It’s Sav!,

I hope y’all are doing well! Happy October!!! I am so excited! I love my favorite month of the year! 🥰🎃 Come get cozy and hang out with me as we explore the question I keep coming back to.

Can somebody disappoint the image we created of them without us needing to excuse what they do or destroy the entire person?

There’s a lot tucked inside that question. As you listen, notice who comes to mind and whether any part of this brings you back to yourself. Maybe you’ve been the disappointed person or you’re also been the person someone struggled to see beyond their disappointment.

I’ve left a few questions below for wherever this conversation meets you. You don’t have to answer all of them. Start with the one you keep thinking about after the recording ends.

The Safety to Speak™ is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

A few things to sit with after listening

This is where I would add something the recording doesn’t already give them. Don’t summarize yourself. Give them somewhere to take the conversation.

Reflection

1. What exactly was disrupted?Think about someone who deeply disappointed you. Was the pain entirely about what happened, or was some of it about realizing “I didn’t think you were somebody capable of doing this”?

2. What did your mind do with the new information?Did you minimize what happened so you could preserve your existing image of them? Or did your mind begin gathering evidence that they were actually terrible all along?

3. What did you believe this person represented?Safety? Loyalty? Wisdom? Honesty? Stability? Protection? Sometimes understanding what collapsed tells us why a particular disappointment affected us so profoundly.

4. Can understanding and accountability coexist?Can you become curious about why somebody behaved the way they did without turning that understanding into an excuse for what they did?

5. What would integration look like?Try finishing this sentence without erasing either side:

“It is true that __________, and it is also true that __________.”

If something came up while you were listening, I’d love to hear what stayed with you. What did this conversation bring into focus or leave you questioning?

You can share a reflection in the comments without sharing the whole story. I’m still sitting with some of this myself.

Welcome to my corner of the internet, where we explore human behavior, challenge our thinking, and practice having the uncomfortable conversations here so we can have them out there.

I'm Savannah, but you can call me Sav. I'm a licensed Psychotherapist, Educator and a fellow human being navigating this whole experience called life alongside you. My work brings together social psychology, behavioral psychology, neuroscience, philosophy, spirituality and lived experience to explore the patterns shaping how we think, behave, relate and experience the world through our filtration system. We explore conditioning and its impacts to society and to our minds!

Okay, Now What? is my advice column in podcast form. You bring your real-life situations into the conversation, and we explore different perspectives, ask uncomfortable questions and find ways to put what we're learning into practice. Because the real work happens out in the wild.

DISCLAIMER:

This podcast is for education, commentary and personal reflection. Although I am a licensed professional, this content is not psychotherapy, individualized mental health advice or a substitute for professional care. Listening, commenting or submitting a letter does not establish a therapist-client relationship. Listener submissions are discussed for educational purposes and do not constitute clinical assessments or diagnoses.

Knowledge is power. Ignorance is a choice.

Let’s get out there and expose ourselves into development!

I'll see you out in the wild!

— Sav

Research References Mentioned

* Barrett, L. F. (2017). How Emotions Are Made

* Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart

* Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

* Lerner, H. (1985). The Dance of Anger

* Siegel, D. J. (2010). Mindsight

Knowledge is power. Ignorance is a choice