The Shit Nobody Says Out Loud: Real Talk on Life, Systems & Survival

All I wanted to know was how my kids school experience today compares to what school was like when I was growing up in the 90s. That urned into me researching 30 years of Missouri education reform, questioning what the hell we’ve actually accomplished, and voluntarily reading the Missouri Constitution. Now I’m sitting here wondering how the fuck we’re still dealing with so many of the same problems decades later.

I just got back from Orlando after presenting at the National Federation of Families conference, and holy shit, I have a lot of thoughts.

This was my first time presenting at a national conference. I was scared shitless, questioned absolutely everything, met some incredible people, and somehow managed to get through a week that was very, VERY peoply.

In this episode, I’m talking about what it was like presenting, the conversations I had afterward that I’m still trying to process, and how much having three women in my corner meant to me.

But there’s also something about this conference that’s really been bothering me.

We spent a lot of time talking about youth mental health, families, and all the different systems they’re trying to navigate. So why wasn’t the education system a bigger part of those conversations?

And I’m not just talking about special education. I’m talking about the entire education system and how much of a child’s life happens within it.

I came home proud of myself, incredibly grateful, overwhelmed as fuck, and with even more questions about why the people working within these different systems aren’t having more conversations with each other.

So this episode is a little bit of everything. My experience, my overthinking, some pretty emotional moments, and the shit I’m still trying to make sense of.

I let ChatGPT roast me, then decided the next logical move was to ask it to make a documentary about me too.

What came back was way too accurate. The PDFs. The emails. The fact that “perfect” apparently does not mean perfect when I say it. The way I can forget why I walked into the kitchen but remember one random sentence from six months ago because something about it didn’t sit right.

I was crying laughing through most of it.

Then the documentary got to the part where it basically said, you know why you do all of this shit?

Because you give a shit.

And unfortunately, it was right about that too.

This episode is me getting absolutely dragged by ChatGPT, laughing at how ridiculous my own brain is, and then realizing there’s a reason I keep asking the questions, finding the policy, connecting the pieces, and refusing to leave something alone when it doesn’t make sense.

Apparently my biggest problem is that I give a shit.

Which also explains why my boundary is probably still whatever the attachment size limit is.

We expect kids to take accountability for everything. Their choices, their behavior, how they respond, how they handle conflict. But what happens when the adults are the ones making choices that cause the harm?

In this episode, I talk about a situation I’ve been involved with for about a year and a half where one false allegation completely disrupted a high school student’s education, credits, and social life. The allegation was proven false through the legal process, but that didn’t magically undo everything that happened because of it. Eighteen months later, the kid is still dealing with the fallout.

What keeps getting me is how these conversations go. The adults sit in meetings talking about what else the student needs to do. What support does he need? What coping skills does he need? What should he do next time? Meanwhile, he has walked away. He has reported things. He has stayed calm. He has followed the process. And somehow we are still planning for the next incident instead of asking why the environment keeps putting him in the same position.

When every adult is focused on their own little piece, discipline, academics, special education, whatever their role is, the student is the one left carrying all of it together.

At some point, the question has to stop being, “What does the kid need to do differently?” and start being, “What do the adults need to do differently?”

When you’re a kid, your parents aren’t actual people. They’re just the assholes making stupid rules, telling you no, and clearly not understanding anything about your life.

Then you have kids.

And one day you’re standing there arguing with a tiny version of yourself thinking, holy shit. I owe my mom an apology.

This episode is basically me realizing at 37 that my parents were also just people. They were tired. They were overwhelmed. They didn’t know what the fuck they were doing all the time either. And somehow I can understand that now without pretending the things that affected me didn’t affect me.

Because apparently growing up is just slowly realizing your parents were human while simultaneously watching your own kids become the reason you finally understand why your mom used to say, “Just wait until you have kids.”

Well, Mom. I had them.

I get it now.

I spent years teaching my kids to talk, ask questions, use their words, think for themselves, and speak up when something doesn’t make sense.

Turns out I did a really fucking good job.

Because now I have a daughter who questions my logic, catches the holes in my explanations, has an opinion about everything, and can communicate an entire thought with one look on her face.

And the worst part is I know exactly where she gets it.

This episode is basically me realizing how fucking annoying it can be to parent someone who is exactly like you while simultaneously trying to teach them how to manage shit you’re still not particularly great at managing yourself.

Apparently I wanted her to have a voice. I just didn’t realize she was going to use it on me.

My husband and I have been married long enough that we’ve each somehow ended up with our own departments. Bugs, blood, animals and anything involving nature? Absolutely his problem. The kids and school? Apparently mine.

Which would be completely reasonable if I hadn’t learned all of this shit because somebody had to.

So now I’m trying to figure out where the line is between dividing a life based on what each person is good at and accidentally making something one person’s responsibility forever because they were the first one willing to figure it out.

I have no answers. And I’m still not dealing with the snake.

When you’re a kid, being an adult sounds fucking amazing. Your own money. Your own house. Nobody telling you what to do. Complete freedom.

Then you grow up and realize you can absolutely do whatever the fuck you want, as long as you can afford it, schedule it, clean it up afterward, make sure nobody needs you, and deal with the consequences.

I’m 37. I have questions about the terms and conditions nobody mentioned.

I’ve been down this fucking IDEA rabbit hole for way too long, and apparently I’m not getting out of it yet.

Because the more I read about what IDEA was supposed to do for parents, the more I keep thinking about what it actually looks like when a real parent tries to use any of it.

You have rights. You have procedural safeguards. You can disagree. You can file a complaint. You can request due process. You can ask for mediation.

Cool.

Now you’re a parent whose kid is already struggling, you’re worried, you probably have a million other things happening in your life, and somebody hands you a packet explaining all of these protections.

Figure out which one applies. Figure out what happened. Figure out whether it violated IDEA. Figure out what process you’re supposed to use. And if you get it wrong, figure out why.

The protections exist. I’m not questioning that.

I’m questioning what those protections actually mean if parents can’t realistically figure out how the fuck to use them.

This whole fucking thing started because I wanted an answer to what I thought was a pretty basic question about Child Find.

How much information does a school district need before there is reason to suspect a kid may have a disability and need special education?

That question has now somehow turned into DESE complaints, dismissed complaints, Sunshine requests, state plans, training materials, emails, and an absolutely ridiculous number of folders on my computer.

And I still have questions.

So this episode is basically me trying to talk through how the hell I got here, what I keep finding, why I can’t make some of it make sense, and why I haven’t been able to just let it go.

Because at this point, my biggest question isn’t even about me.

If I know this shit and I’m having this much trouble getting a straight answer, what the fuck is a parent supposed to do?