A former partner used to get really upset when she sensed energy between me and a roommate of mine. I kept insisting that there was nothing happening. Because nothing physical had happened with him. But there was definitely an unspoken undercurrent of flirtation lingering in the hallways. My unwillingness to admit that there was something going on was out of integrity. But I had a “sliding scale integrity ruler”* in use at the time.

That sliding scale doesn’t work so much for me any more. Being in integrity is a felt sense. One that lets me know pretty clearly when something is or isn’t in alignment with my truth. In any circumstance. I can not not go there now.

I’ve just finished Martha Beck’s “The Way of Integrity” and am reading it a second time. In it she states that: “No one can give us pure integrity: knowing our truth is something we can and must learn to do on our own.

Listening to our inner teacher is the most important skill we need to follow the way of integrity.”

Being true to what we know and hear as guidance is not necessarily a clear or easy path. It requires learning to trust - something that is often eroded for us from the time we are small. Building it up again can require a lot of dismantling of old stories, old untruths. It can be pretty uncomfortable. But once we get the itch of mis-alignment, it won’t go away. We can try to ignore it, but if we do, then it generally causes an infection. Of our minds, or our bodies.

Sometimes, it helps to have the reflections of an outsider to be able to recognize when we’re out of alignment with our integrity. I could deny that flirtation all day long, but inside, I knew she was right. I just didn’t want to admit it.

As we get closer to our own sense of integrity, things that are out of alignment with it seem to get louder and demand our attention more urgently. It pisses me off sometimes. I can’t get away with things like I used to. But ultimately, I’m grateful.

When we’re able to live in alignment with our integrity, our truth, there’s room for the goodness that is reaching out for us to actually have a way in. We don’t have the walls up that we used to have to have in order to protect the picture we were trying to project. The walls can all come down. Illusory projections are not needed. We can allow the truth to be seen. By ourselves. And by others.

Rigorous honesty is what they call it in 12 Step programs. It doesn’t mean shoving the truth in other people’s faces. It’s quieter and more subtle than that. For me, when I’m in alignment with my truth, my spine reflects that alignment. I stand up straighter. I can breathe more easily.

When you think about it, it is really the only safe way to live. When we’re telling lies, to ourselves, or to others, there’s always that danger of getting caught. You have to remember the lie you told. You don’t have to remember the truth. It just is.

There will be people who don’t like this shift in us. It can create that itch in them. It can make them uncomfortable, like we were. So then we’re left with a choice. Would we rather be itchy and uncomfortable with itchy and uncomfortable company? Or would we rather be un-itchy? We do get to choose.

For now, I’m feeling much better and a lot less itchy. I’ve got some extra emotional-Benadryl if you need it. I’m willing to share…

* quote by Ariel Spilsbury from the “13 Moon Oracle”.