The Spaghetti Wall

You've made the healthy dinners. You've done the research. You've dropped the hints. And your partner still isn't changing — so now you're frustrated, they're defensive, and nothing's moved.

In this episode, Jason Wilcox, LCSW, and Dr. Thaen Saelee unpack the difference between change talk and what they call stuck talk (or sustain talk) — the quiet stories we tell ourselves that keep us locked in the same painful patterns. Drawing on motivational interviewing, they explain why the "righting reflex" — the urge to fix your partner — reliably produces the opposite of what you want, and why the harder question isn't why won't they change? but why does my brain need them to?

Along the way: the negative core beliefs hiding underneath the urge to fix, how to feel stuck talk in your jaw and chest before you hear it in your head, the difference between your circle of concern and your circle of influence, and Dr. Saelee's concept of "the meaning channel" — and why you should stay out of it.

If you've ever felt like you're doing all the work in your relationship and getting nowhere, this one's for you.

Mentioned in this episode: couples counseling training at avidcounseling.org

Have a topic you want us to throw at the wall? Reach out — and follow us on all major social platforms.

Are you muting yourself to keep your partner happy? In this episode of The Spaghetti Wall Podcast, Jason Wilcox, LCSW, and Dr. Thaen Saelee, licensed clinical psychologist, unpack self-abandonment—what it is, how to recognize it, and why it slowly erodes your self-worth and your relationship.

We cover:

• The difference between self-abandonment, healthy compromise, and simply "showing up" for a situation
• Why people-pleasing, fawning, and masking are often fear responses—not kindness
• The warning signs: resentment, depression, feeling like a "supporting actor" in your own life
• How to be assertive without being aggressive (and what to do when a partner steamrolls you)
• A simple "best friend test" and "magic wand" question to check whether you've abandoned yourself
• How grief work and value-directed action can help you find your way back to yourself

Whether it's a romantic partner, a parent, a boss, or a customer at work—this applies to any relationship where you feel you can't be fully you.

Find us on all major social platforms @SpaghettiWall, and learn more at avidcounseling.org. Couples counseling videos available now—and our app is coming soon!

Money is one of the top three things couples fight about — and most never talk about it until they're already living together, blending families, or saying "I do." In this episode, Jason Wilcox (LCSW) and Dr. Thaen Saelee (licensed clinical psychologist) dig into the question almost every couple gets wrong: joint accounts, separate accounts, or some mix of both?

Drawing on their own very different upbringings and relationships — including Jason's hard lessons from a joint-account marriage and the now-famous $1,000 string art story — they break down the real stuck points: control, overspending, splitting bills "fairly" when incomes don't match, blended-family expenses, and the resentment that quietly builds when one partner controls the money. You'll walk away with practical models for splitting finances in a way where nobody feels controlled and everyone keeps a little autonomy.

Because, as Dr. Saelee puts it, money can actually be sexy — when there's security, communication, and freedom.

Want to go deeper as a couple? Check out the couples course at www.avidcounseling.org

Empathy is the glue of connection — but most of us are accidentally offering something else entirely. In this episode, Jason Wilcox, LCSW, and Dr. Thaen Saelee, licensed clinical psychologist, break down the real difference between empathy, sympathy, and compassion, and why well-meaning "fix-it" responses often leave our partners feeling unseen and invalidated.

They cover the hidden barriers that block empathy (including negative core beliefs and societal conditioning), the practical skills that build it — curiosity and complex reflections — and why "I'm just too empathic" usually means you've crossed the line into enabling. Plus: empathy with accountability, how to ask for what you need when you're the one hurting, and the power of simply sitting with someone in the dark.

If you've ever felt disconnected from your partner, or been told "you just don't get it," this episode is for you.

Find our couples course at avidcounseling.org, and reach out with topics you'd like us to cover.

In this episode of the Spaghetti Wall Podcast, licensed clinical social worker Jason Wilcox and licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Thaen Saelee tackle one of the most misunderstood topics in relationships: what abuse actually is. Many people recognize physical violence but don't realize that yelling, name-calling, swearing, manipulation, and coercive control are also forms of abuse.

Jason and Thaen explore the important distinction between abusive behavior and being an abuser, how control can hide behind the appearance of care, and why your body often signals danger before your mind does. They also unpack the cycle of abuse, the role of negative core beliefs in keeping people stuck, and why "I stayed because I loved them" is ultimately a choice worth examining.

Most importantly, they offer practical tools: how to name abusive behavior, set boundaries, and reach out for help. If you've ever wondered whether what you're experiencing "counts," this conversation offers clarity and compassion.

If you are in an abusive or domestic violence situation, please reach out to a professional or a domestic violence hotline. Learn more at avidcounseling.org.

Most couples don’t fall out of love—they fall into routine.

In this episode of the Spaghetti Wall Podcast, we break down why dating your partner isn’t optional—it’s essential. Over time, life gets busy, routines take over, and connection quietly fades into the background. But relationships don’t thrive on autopilot.

We talk about:

• Why your brain pushes you into relationship ruts
• What “dating your partner” actually looks like long-term
• How to balance preferences without resentment
• Why quality time matters more than just time together
• What it means if you don’t want to spend time with your partner

Whether you're feeling disconnected or just want to strengthen what you already have, this episode will challenge you to rethink how you show up in your relationship.

Because connection isn’t something you keep…

It’s something you build.

In this episode of the Spaghetti Wall Podcast, Jason Wilcox, LCSW, and Dr. Thaen Saelee break down a growing relationship dynamic often called “man keeping”—but the truth is, it goes both ways.

At its core, this issue isn’t about gender—it’s about emotional dependency.

When does supporting your partner cross the line into carrying them?

Why do so many people rely entirely on their partner for emotional stability, connection, or even problem-solving?

And how does that slowly erode attraction, balance, and respect in a relationship?

We explore:

• The difference between healthy support vs. unhealthy dependency
• Why emotional burnout leads to resentment (and even loss of attraction)
• The dangerous belief that your partner is responsible for your emotions
• How loneliness and lack of outside connection fuels relationship strain
• The role of boundaries—and why “no” is sometimes the healthiest answer
• When it’s time to seek help outside the relationship

If you’ve ever felt drained, overwhelmed, or like you’re carrying too much in your relationship—or if you worry you might be leaning too heavily on your partner—this episode will give you clarity and practical direction.

Emotional manipulation isn’t always obvious—and most people don’t recognize it until it’s already affecting their relationship.

In this episode of the Spaghetti Wall Podcast, Jason Wilcox (LCSW) and Dr. Thaen Saelee break down what emotional manipulation really is, how it shows up, and how to tell the difference between manipulation, miscommunication, and normal emotional reactions.

We cover:

• The difference between intentional and unintentional manipulation
• How negative core beliefs fuel emotional reactions
• Why you might start questioning your own reality
• The concept of “emotional whiplash” (love bombing → blame)
• How guilt, shame, and boundary-pushing are used to control behavior
• What it means to “walk on eggshells” in a relationship
• How to respond using assertive communication without escalating conflict

If you’ve ever felt confused, guilty, or like you’re losing yourself in a relationship, this episode will help you understand what’s happening—and what to do next.

What is the “mental load” in a relationship—and why does it leave so many people feeling overwhelmed, resentful, and alone?

In this episode, we break down what mental load actually is, how it becomes unbalanced, and why it’s not always about who’s doing more—it’s about who’s carrying more.

We cover:

• The difference between real imbalance vs. perceived overwhelm
• How one partner becomes the “manager” (and why that breaks the relationship)
• Why lack of communication makes mental load worse
• How negative core beliefs quietly fuel resentment
• Practical ways to rebalance responsibilities without constant conflict

If you’ve ever felt like you’re thinking about everything while your partner just “helps,” this episode will give you clarity—and a way forward.

What does it mean when a relationship starts drifting apart—but no one has actually said the words “we’re done”? In this episode of The Spaghetti Wall Podcast, Jason Wilcox, LCSW, and Dr. Tanay Lee explore the concept of subconscious uncoupling—when one partner begins emotionally disengaging from the relationship without openly acknowledging it.

We discuss the subtle signs that a partner may be pulling away, why the subconscious mind can drive relationship behavior without our awareness, and how negative core beliefs can distort how we interpret our partner’s actions. The conversation also covers the difference between true emotional disengagement and simple incompatibility in how two people approach relationships.

Through both clinical insight and personal stories, Jason and Tanay unpack what it feels like to be on either side of this experience—whether you’re the partner sensing the distance or the one quietly struggling with your own feelings about the relationship.

Most importantly, we talk about what to do when you start noticing these patterns: how to have honest conversations, avoid jumping to conclusions, and reflect on whether the relationship you’re in is truly the one you want.

If you’ve ever felt alone in a relationship, questioned your partner’s commitment, or wondered whether the distance you feel is real or imagined, this episode will help you better understand what might be happening beneath the surface.