In 2019 I went to see a psychiatrist to discuss my OCD, and I walked away with a diagnosis for the last thing in the world that I thought I had; ADHD.

One for all the late diagnosis girlies. I see you <3

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What is your current relationship with your creative process?

"I'm terrified it will leave me. I don't know how to make it grow. I'm desperate to make music my career, but I also want to remain true to my art. I'm supposed to be wintering; gathering spells and letters, trinkets and treasure, bathing in monnlight and song...soaking it in, art... but frustration and desperation are getting in the way. Forever keeping me urgent.

I am fighting my winter."

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In this moment, are you letting yourself be lead by fear, or by love?

I was supposed to release an album this month, on my birthday, November 14th. I wasn't ready, but after a year of family health scares I let the burden of comparison and the fear of time slipping away push me to try.

It all fell apart of course, being lead by fear never turns out well. When I realised I had to cancel the album launch, I was forced to reflect on how I had got to this point. Why did I feel so desperate to put out this body of work? Why did I insist on pushing myself to complete an impossible task?

Birthdays can do funny things to the mind. I keep telling myself that ageing is a privildge, but I'm not sure I can hear it.

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On my 18th birthday, my parents gave me a black terracotta jar adorned with red and white love hearts. It came with a small piece of paper upon which I was supposed to write a wish, a hope, a dream.

Once you have filled the jar with money, you smash it and voila, your wish has come true. My wish, hope, dream?

I wanna make it.

I've had that jar for almost 18 years. Did I make it?

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How can I hold this for you
If I can't hold you?

Like a lot of people with sensory issues, I struggle with physical contact. I don't want anyone to touch me, but I feel so left out and alone when I see others doing it. Teenage girls walking down the street arm in arm, friends casually leaning on one another, toddlers being carried by their parents.

So, when a public speaking workshop turned out to be a highly physical affair, I was pushed to consider why I am so averse to being touched, being held, by others.

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Ticking all off my problems off of the shopping list

They’re all out of hope but I don’t even know if I need it

Yeah, I’m, oh,

Forgot myself better go back for it

Why do I spend so much time in the supermarket? What do I get out of wandering through the aisles, buying ugly decor and kitchen tat, blankets, and cheapy candles.

Consumerism or post-pandemic mental health coping strategy? Perhaps it's both. Let's find out.

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Welcome to the Steinpunk Diaries.

In this first digital entry, I recount an experience I had last spring which led me to begin my adult journey with the concept of death.

Drawing inspiration from distant memories of spring, sadness, and sudden realisations, I created a new song using parts of a voice note I recorded last year.

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Welcome to the Steinpunk Diaries podcast.

I’m Ashley Stein, a writer, musician, keen photographer and amateur electronic music producer and DJ. This podcast is my song book, my art journal, my diary. A place to share unfinished work, discuss my inspirations and explore ways to strike a balance between the two ruling houses of my life; art and fear.

In each episode I’ll share new work and tell you all about what I’ve learned from my most recent creative adventure. These endevours will include going on artist dates, actually listening the records I bought, reading books that were once doomed to be ornaments, finally developing my camera film, and, among other things, re-excavating long abandoned projects. I believe these experiences will help me to cultivate a creative practice and develop as an artist, and by sharing them publicly I hope to connect with others who are on the same path.

So, if you’re ready to come with me on this strange journey, I'll see you on page one.

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