The Four Horsemen: How to Spot (and Stop) the Patterns That Kill Relationships

What if I told you there are four specific behaviours that predict—with over 90% accuracy—whether a relationship will survive or collapse?

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman studied thousands of couples and identified four patterns he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. And once you learn to spot them, you'll start seeing them everywhere—in your own relationship, in your parents' marriage, even in that couple arguing at the café.

In this episode, I break down each of the Four Horsemen in plain language:

Criticism — Why "you always" and "you never" are relationship poison, and how criticism is different from complaining.

Contempt — The single biggest predictor of divorce (not infidelity, not money). Why eye-rolling and sarcasm destroy respect faster than you think.

Defensiveness — Why your instinct to defend yourself actually shuts down communication and keeps you stuck in the pattern.

Stonewalling — What happens when you shut down emotionally, and why chronic stonewalling sends the message "you're not worth engaging with."

But here's the challenge: once you become aware of these patterns, you can't unsee them. For a while, it feels like a curse. You start noticing them in every interaction—including your own. But that awareness is actually the gift. Because you can't fix what you can't see.

I also share Gottman's antidotes—the specific behaviours that counteract each horseman. Simple? Yes. Easy? God, no. But if you catch these patterns early and you're both willing to do the work, you can turn things around.

This episode is for you if:

• You feel like your arguments follow the same destructive pattern every time
• You're noticing toxic behaviours in your relationship but don't know how to name them
• You want practical tools to improve communication (not just endless therapy talk)
• You're rebuilding after a relationship breakdown and want to avoid repeating the same mistakes

Key Takeaway: Awareness without action can feel like a burden. But awareness with action is how you break the cycle.

About The Martin Pavion Podcast:I'm Martin Pavion—clinical hypnotherapist, NLP master practitioner, and am working towards my ICF coaching accreditation. I help successful but stuck professionals navigate life's crossroads by combining practical coaching with transformative hypnotherapy. This podcast is for anyone at a crossroads—whether that's career, relationship, or identity. Because your crisis isn't your failure. It's your calling in disguise.

Let's connect:

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• Email: [email protected]
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