The Tipsy Testament Podcast

Welcome back to the Tipsy Testament, folks! This time around, we're talking about the harrowing story of Rehab and how she helped the Israelites get to the Promised Land. You know who didn't get to go? MOSES! It's probably for the best cause we know that dude is nasty. And if YOU'RE nasty, you'll know that Rahab invented the red-light district and you should probably be ashamed of yourself. Also: It may seem like Jonte falls alseep at the end of this but he totally doesn't. Don't ever listen to what Veronica or Alex say!

Think of the wisest and smartest person you know. Now multiply that by 100 fold. Still with me? Now imagine that person told you to chop a baby in half and share it with a friend. Congratulations! You just imagined King Solomon; the topic of our episode today! And I know exactly what you're thinking and the answer is a resounding "yes"! We DO discuss getting the butt-end of the baby. You know the Tipsy crew is always here for ya. King Solomon is the ultimate in decadence. He's got a whole room just for baboons, just like every young man's dream. Jealous yet? Well, you'll be more jealous when you hear about his 700 wives. All of them probably hella thicc. Also: listen closely as V falls asleep towards the end of the episode. Riveting!

Hahahahaha! Oh! I didn't see you there. I was just laughing at the latest installment of the Tipsy Testament where we discuss more adventures of the Israelites wandering in the desert!!!! We're in the book of Numbers this time which, contrary to what Veronica believes, is NOT a biblical phone book. But hey, she can try calling some of the numbers anyway. Listen in horror as we recount the time Moses committed the most heinous sex-crime ever recorded - wearing his own son's foreskin! Don't worry, though. It gets worse. Moses's poor sister gets struck with leprosy and has to live with her serpent brethren on the outskirts of camp. How sad. Not as sad as Alex and V's marriage counseling session, though. But surprise! You guys get another story! It's the Bible's version of Shrek complete with talking donkey and nonsensical plot! Hooray! XOXO Gossip Girl

Uh oh, everyone! Looks like we've come to the end of our Revelation series where we finally talk about The Whore of Babylon, Veronica's favorite Bible character. It combines V's favorite things, possible harem action and...definite harem action. Also: Willie joins us once again as we plead with Jesus to refrain from taking the wheel any longer cause he definitely can't drive and talk about Christians who like to gingerly pick out the Bible verses they want like a picky child sifts out the vegetables from their dinner. That's not all! Point and laugh at Jonté along with the rest of the Tipsy crew as he relays his fears about being raptured as a kid; what an idiot coward! Listen to this exciting conclusion and NONE of your questions will be answered!

Revelations part 3 is here folks, and this one has real monsters! Yup, that's right! WE'RE STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS HOT MESS OF A CHAPTER! The guys teach Veronica the indisputable fact that the mark of the beast = not eating Chic-Fil-A. The tipsy crew also have a revelation of their own when we realize that Alex is the ACTUAL anti-christ. The guys have a serious chat about the lack of guidance they received while in church and how they dealt with not having a place to turn to address doubts they had about their faith.

We’re back again with more of Revelations!  But not before Veronica regales us with her findings from her 23 and Me testing.  What sort of genetic mysteries will she uncover!? And will it explain why she suddenly disappears for the latter half of the episode!?  The narrator of this book, John, is most definitely tripping balls and convincing himself he’s seeing some divine visions but these visions are hella boring.  Just a bunch of lampstands, old people, and chairs. John needs some better drugs.

Alright, Tipsy Disciples.  It’s time we delve into the trippy, symbolism-laden world of Revelations, the last book of The Bible.  And we’ve got our friend Willie as a special guest that we’ve dragged into our drunken nonsense. Veronica expands her wine tastes into the sparkling variety while Jonte busts out his best Dave Matthews (the greatest artist of our generation) impression.  Buckle up though, folks! This episode goes a bit long and gets a bit serious as we discuss more about the trials and tribulations of growing up in a religious environment and how Alex and Jonte ended up abandoning their faith. This episode’s got it all!!!!

Awwwwwwww heck (pardon our language)! Are you guys ready for another "feminist" story from the bible? Moreover, by "feminist" we mean a woman is in it, and that is the best this terrible book has to offer! Well, here's the story of Ruth, a lady just trying to get a husband. So, you know, super progressive. Ruth touches a weird guy's feet which we learn later is supposed to be his dick! Gross. But, also, why?? Don't worry though we look up some SEXY renaissance paintings of Ruth to help wash down the shame. NSFW, indeed. Speaking of shame, we find out the horrible secret surrounding our old friend King David's lineage. So if you're into intrigue, sexy paintings, and foot/penis gropings, this might be the episode for you. If you're not into any of those things, you're probably normal and please don't report us to the police.

Gird your loins and slap your thighs because this is the exciting conclusion to the Exodus story! A momentous episode like this needs a little extra so enjoy this extended session. We had to accommodate Veronica's version of the ten commandments somehow! SPOILER ALERT: They're super lenient. Expect no less from V. Except she wants to crucify Moses. So there's that. You know an easy way fool people into thinking you're you're divinely chosen? Spend a lot of time talking to a cloud and tell folks it's God! Worked for Moses.Then again, that just sounds like a dementia symptom...oh well! Join us for this exciting finale! There's plenty of quail to go around.

We're baaaaaack!!! We know we've been back several times before but we mean it this time. We swear! This episode we continue with the harrowing adventure of 'Moses in the Desert: This Time it's Personal' Moses disappears, and everyone goes apeshit while Aaron uses it as an opportunity to realize his calf fantasies. Also, the Tipsy crew is left in horror when Alex reveals his sordid middle school world of trading cards. Enjoy!