Why Learn the Enneagram?

Growing together doesn’t mean becoming the same..it’s about understanding your differences and creating something fantastic from those unique ways of seeing the world. That's what the Enneagram teaches us. 

So when I caught myself singing this song in the car I had to do an audible double take! 

If you don’t know me by now (Recorded by Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes - 1972 and Simply Red in 1989)

We've all got our own funny moods

I've got mine, woman you've got yours too

Just trust in me like I trust in you

As long as we've been together it should be so easy to do

Just get yourself together or we might as well say goodbye

What good is a love affair when you can't see eye to eye.....

What if we can't see eye to eye (*SPOILER ALERT...it's rare that you will)? Can we learn to see heart to heart?

Resource: 

If You Don't Know Me by Now

Don't Resist Resistance   German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer said "All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."   Although the Enneagram has been around for who knows how long, it’s gained a lot of popularity in recent years thanks to the hard work of some beautiful people. But, naturally, there has been a lot of resistance, which is to be expected. 

People fear what they do not know. And because it’s work to learn something that moves you past your current boundary it is much easier to “stay put” than to take that first step into the unknown. And it is much easier to criticize and be WITH THE CROWD than to take the risk of stepping out. 

I love how Eckhart Tolle said, in response to so many saying “How can I get my friends and family to read this book (A NEW EARTH)”. He basically said ‘You can’t. But the right person will come along at the right time to teach them what they need to know.” 

Do you hear the difference between “How can I get my friends and family to learn the enneagram?” and holding the truth that the Enneagram may not be for them? Trust the process - the right person will come along at the right time to teach ALL OF US what we need, when we need.    When you find something that shakes up your thinking - which is where ALL CHANGE STARTS - you may find resistance. And even though it may be a powerful, positive change in your life …trust me….not everyone - actually, not MANY will share in your growth path of choice. But someone out there will. Find that someone even if it starts with just one. Find your community that supports your desire for growth.   Link to article: The Gospel Coalition Review of The Road Back to You  https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/kevin-deyoung/enneagram-road-back-somewhere-else/   Resource: A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle  Excerpt: A New Earth Awakening to your Life’s purpose - Eckhart Tolle | Official Site - Spiritual Teachings and Tools For Personal Growth and Happiness   Luminous with Ian Cron and Beatrice Chestnut, Nashville, June, 2019  Luminous – Discover a More Radiant Expression of You

What might it look like if your Orientation to Time is the Present or the Past, and, most importantly, why does it matter? That’s the number one question….WHY DOES IT MATTER?   So let’s see how it affects our relationships - which is why anything matters, in my opinion!! We discuss these perspectives in regards to marriage and parenting in this episode.   Resource: Kyle Young https://kyleyoung.com/

What is Orientation to Time? 

This is such a broad look at this subject but for today, if this is new to you, I want to just introduce the concept. Later we can talk about more STANCES because these two aspects of the Enneagram are closely related but for now let’s just define what Stances are and what our Orientation to Time is.

1,2,6 -  The Dependent Types (Stance) Cooperators (Social Style) - Orientation to Time is the Present - but repress the future.

People in the dependent stance get their identity from outside themselves, so they move toward others. They ask questions and seek guidance and reassurance to arrive at decisions, form opinions and find security in the world around them.

7,8,3 - The Aggressive Types (Stance) Initiators (Social Style)  - Orientation to Time is the Future - but repress the past.

Individuals in the aggressive stance move against (or as my teacher says, stand independently from) others, sometimes "pushing" against people to make their way in the world. This push is not necessarily (maybe seldom) intended to be hostile or combative, but they definitely know where they want to go and simply move toward the destination, not allowing things (or people) to stand between themselves and their goals.

4,5,9 - The Withdrawing Types (Stance) Soloists (Social Style) - Orientation to Time is the Past - repress the present.

People in this stance gain their identity and take care of their own personhoods from within. Because they meet their own needs internally, they are said to move away from others. When making decisions about their thoughts, opinions and place in the world around them, they do it in the privacy of their own minds and hearts, so others can sometimes feel shut out from their decision making process, even when they're not. 

When Aggressive Types slow down and reflect upon their pasts, they let their emotional centers catch up with their heads and bodies, and they learn from past mistakes and difficulties, helping break out of unhealthy habits and cycles.

When Dependent Types lift their gaze to see beyond their present circumstances, they become more open to a vibrant future beyond the tyranny of the urgent, helping them not be so focused on present tasks.

When Withdrawing Types choose embodiment in the here and now, they become more aware of what is, rather than what was or what could be, helping them resist unhealthy retreating tendencies.   Sources:  Nan Henson, Enneagram Atlanta http://www.enneagramatlanta.com/    Judy Blackwell https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-enneagram-stance-judy-blackwell   Suzanne Stabile https://www.theenneagramjourney.org/podcast/2019/episode50   Drew Moser https://ieaninepoints.com/2019/02/01/the-enneagram-and-the-fullness-of-time/#!biz/id/5b58cfd8f033bfaf49d554d6

The Enneagram is more than a personality test! So much more, in fact. It is a map of your personal evolution in consciousness.

In 1969 Woodstock rocked the world and the idea of going back to a place of perfection permeated the minds of that generation. It was reflected in a song entitled “Woodstock” sung by Crosby, Stills and Nash written by Joni Mitchell. 

“We are stardust, we are golden

We are billion year old carbon

And we got to get ourselves back to the garden.”

It seems we’ve been influenced by musicians and theologians alike that there’s a need to GO BACK…to return to a time of what we have been taught is perfection. Much of Christianity refers to it as the “Time before the Fall of Man”.

But can we return to “The Garden?” Is this the misconception of perfection? Would we really want to return to a time of unconsciousness? A time before man’s eyes were open? Perfection doesn’t mean we hope to someday be without flaw. Perfection means being whole or complete. The WHOLE of who are is everything we were, everything we are and everything we will be.” We are perfect now AND we continue to evolve in our awareness of it. 

We often reminisce about “the good ol’ days” and even bemoan the fact that we can’t just go back to them. But were they a utopian place and time or has our consciousness evolved in awareness to the reality of things that actually caused harm to so many? 

The strength of a beautiful tool like the Enneagram is it allows us a path to expose the ways we have been blinded to our own perfection by becoming MORE CONSCIOUS.

The Enneagram is like the Rosetta stone; it helps us understand each other's language. Language barriers are so often the cause of conflict and misunderstanding. Have you ever seen someone who doesn’t know sign language try to talk to someone who is hearing impaired?  Often times They Just talk LOUDER! 

I LOVE GAMES! But guess what? Not everyone does! So….I’m sure you’ve heard of the game SPEAK OUT - Ellen made it popular on her show. You wear a mouthguard that prevents you from closing your mouth….

I was SHOCKED to discover that many of my guests wouldn’t play! Talk about a language barrier - this game was designed to be JUST THAT! 

So instead of understanding why some refused to play I just knew that if they’d hear me out they’d be SO EXCITED TO PLAY! I kept saying “YOU’LL LOVE IT…It’s HILARIOUS” (see my example of speaking to a hearing impaired person). They couldn't hear me and I certainly wasn't listening to them.    Imagine if we took the time to actually learn the languages of those we love?

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" is a popular reference to William Shakespeare's play Romeo and Juliet, in which Juliet seems to argue that it does not matter that Romeo is from her family's rival house of Montague, that is, that he is named “Montague".

Identity - his name is not who he is.

With the Enneagram I use numbers because numbers are value neutral. Numbers imply the whole range of attributes and behaviors of each type without specifying anything either positive or negative. 

When we refer to Enneagram 3’s as “Achievers” we might be inclined to create an entire story around a PERSONA based on limited information about the person. 

Again, I would imagine if you’re listening to this podcast you are familiar with the Enneagram but just for the fun of it let’s go over the Nine Types with the single word descriptors for each number. 

1 - The Reformer (or Perfectionist)

2 - The Helper

3 - The Achiever

4 - The Individualist

5 - The Investigator

6 - The Loyalist

7 - The Enthusiast

8 - The Challenger

9 - The Peacemaker

BUT - are The Helpers not Loyalists? Are The Challengers not Peacemakers? 

We are all a combination of all types, but sometimes it seems limiting to use a single word to try to understand such a complex being.

We touch a bit on how world-views that are represented in Spiral Dynamics, a collective view, affect how each Enneagram number, our personal reactions and motivations. While our personality type is not determined by world view, it is certainly influenced by it. This is why two people with the same Enneagram number can seem so very different when their world views are different. 

So….let’s talk about Self-Talk. No one is a better representation of positive self-talk than Mohammed Ali. “I am the Greatest” was his motto. But on another podcast a woman, who is very well regarded in the media and has a list of credentials a mile long, was trying figure out her number. She made the comment in an interview that she “just didn’t want to be an 8.”

Why? Where did she get the idea that there was anything wrong with being an Enneagram 8? Who told her being an 8 was anything less than perfect?

In the beginning of the biblical narrative the story of Adam and Eve introduces the elements of Fear and Shame. They realized they were naked and tried to hide from God. God asked them “who told you you were naked?” Whether you believe this story of Adam and Eve actually happened or you take it as a metaphorical story, the greater message is the point. 

#1. WHO told you that you were NAKED. In other words, whose voice are you listening to? 

#2 - Why did it make you feel deficient (naked)?   Let's talk about how we can change the conversation we have with ourselves.    The Self-Centered Marriage, Hal Runkel The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown Spiral Dynamics Seth Creekmore, Creekmore Music

Welcome to the launch of an Enneagram centered conversation podcast called "Love Thy Enneagram Number". Most of us grew up knowing the bible verse, “Love thy neighbor as thyself” but we may have missed the mark a little by focusing on how we should love our neighbor. But the implication is that we must love ourselves before we can love another. So we took a little Enneagram twist and came up with the title.

In this podcast, in addition to the Enneagram, we will use different models such as Spiral Dynamics and Integral Theory. And while we will use quotes from the biblical narrative we will also refer to other narratives and wisdom traditions such as the Tao or Buddah as well as current day teachers like Eckhart Tolle and Brené Brown. Our focus is on relationships and how all of these maps and tools work to help us understand ourselves so we might, in turn, understand others.

The Wisdom of the Enneagram

Spiral Dynamics

Integral Theory