Let’s consider the most beautiful, unforgettable, fulfilling experiences of our lives for a moment.

Reflect on them.

Tap into those memories.

Allow them all flow through.

Maybe one memory stands out from the rest.

Put yourself there.

Place the characters inside this memory.

Recreate the setting.

Tap into how you felt.

What did you feel?

Was it pure joy?

Was it an inner welling up from a new layer of depth that you didn't know existed before that moment?

How long did it last?

Was it fleeting?

Did you find yourself reaching for it again?

In this moment, do you find yourself longing to feel that feeling again?

If you're like me, the answer is yes.

I've got an issue. I am addicted to pleasure. I love a good time and I want to make them last forever. Before I had kids, I was someone who wanted to experience pleasure and joyful experiences from everywhere and everything. Sometimes, I wonder why I didn't get into doing heavy drugs because I just love the feeling of euphoria. Kidding: My parents would have beat my grown man ass - that's why I didn't do heavy drugs. But the point is I want to experience everything in the world that will be bring me that sense of ultimate freedom, joy and pleasure.

Back in my first job, I was an agent's assistant for one of the biggest talent agencies in the world, Creative Artists Agency. A huge perk of the job was that I could literally go to any concert or event I wanted with a +1. You better believe I took complete advantage of that. I would go to 2-3 concerts per week and essentially have 15-18 hour days, multiple times a week, because I'd work all day and then go to a concert to enjoy the show and to network. My friends thought I had the dream job. People wanted to be friends with me because I was in entertainment and was going to all sorts of flashy events. I thought I was living the life and I propped up this image to others that I truly was.

In reality, I was not. My job was not fulfilling. The perk was fulfilling, but the actual job was not. It was a stressful environment surrounded by overworked people. Although there were good people who meant well, most were motivated by self-interest to gain more power and influence. That's the game in the entertainment industry after all. I stayed there longer than necessary and the reason why was because I was able to numb my internal dark truth through pleasure. The shows I attended and the significance others ascribed to me blinded me from what was really happening at a deeper level.

Pretty soon, I was losing sleep. I remember my dad asking me about the bags under my eyes when I'd visit them. You know that Sunday night anxiety you feel? The one where you're dreading Monday morning? That was in full blast by my second year in that gig, but I was too busy suppressing it to notice. Unconsciously, I suppressed it by having busy weekends. I filled my weekends with church volunteer activities. What looked like a noble cause on the surface was really my way of avoiding the screams inside.

Sure enough, I left that job. While I would like to say that it was the end of that pattern, it was not. I found myself from to job to job eventually in the same place. After a few months in each job, that Sunday evening anxiety would show up and again, I would cope by filling my evenings + weekends with pleasurable experiences.

This way of living was not sustainable as you can imagine and it was coming to a head. I couldn't escape it and my drive home from whatever I was doing on Saturdays + Sundays felt uneasy and full of anxiety. There was a lot of noise in my head and I couldn't be still. I couldn't be quiet. I felt trapped.

Seeking Pleasure to Avoid Pain

Epicurus, an ancient Greek philosopher, once said: "By pleasure, we mean the absence of pain in the body and of trouble in the soul."

I was avoiding the trouble in my soul. There's this popular belief that all of our behaviors are driven by the pursuit of pleasure and happiness. I used to believe that too but in the last few years, my experience has brought me to a different realization. I believe that everything that drives and motivates us is a core result of avoiding feelings of discomfort. In my example, the discomfort I was avoiding was this sense of loneliness and being lost. I didn't know who I was. And because I didn't know who I was, I was feeling this quiet but consistent angst, almost like a lingering frustration in my belly, because I knew I wasn't living out the true potential of who I could be. And because I wasn't in pursuit of my potential, the things I was pursuing on the outside felt shallow and misaligned with my values.

I needed to go deep and face the unresolved matters of my heart.

My heart was lonely. I felt sad. I felt angry. I felt lost. I felt alone. I felt like I couldn't ask for help. I felt like it was weak to ask for help. I felt like I would be judged or I would let my family down if they saw me that way. So I kept unconsciously numbing those feelings by filling my evenings and weekends with pleasurable experiences.

It took a traumatizing event (this is a different story altogether) but eventually, I got quiet.

I got really quiet.

I got help too.

Silence, stillness and support slowly helped paved the way out. It didn't happen all at once, but I gradually began to settle in. It probably took a couple years.

It was in this space where I slowly began to remember who I am. My True Self.

Once I touched this space, it was as if all of the things I was holding onto, the things I thought were important; what people thought of me, the outputs I was producing at work, my status, my bank account, the girl that I wanted to love me back so much but didn't - all of them started to fall into proper relationship with each other and my identity began to be rooted into something beyond.

I'm human. And I'm not writing this at the top of some mountain saying I've made it. But I'm here to tell you that there is a way to living this life with an inner knowing that you are whole and complete. Lacking nothing. And yet knowing that you are also nothing if you don’t surrender to the Love that wants to be given to you. Some people call it Love. Others say God or Energy or The Universe or The Unknown or The Divine. Whatever it might be, it's everywhere and it's inside of you. It never imposes. But it's a quiet invitation and once you touch that space, the whole game changes. Everything changes.

These days, I still love to pursue and create pleasurable experiences. That's just who I am. I still love a good ass time. But I don't chase them and reach for them like I used to anymore. I don't create them from a place of lack. I don't try to recreate them to fill some hole inside me. I know that I am enough. I am whole and complete to begin with. And everything else is just icing on the cake.

My friends, I'd like to leave you with this beautiful poem by the mystic poet, Rumi:

“Do you know what you are?

You are a manuscript of a divine letter.

You are a mirror reflecting a noble face.

This universe is not outside of you.

Look inside yourself;

everything that you want,

you are already that.”

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

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