Today, I attempt to understand Dandy’s World, a sentence I never thought I’d say out loud, and immediately regret every life choice that led me to that moment. While the kids confidently explain it like it’s common knowledge, the rest of us are left staring into the void, wondering when cartoons started feeling like a group chat we weren’t invited to. Meanwhile, adults across America have reached a rare moment of unity, agreeing that cash is not only an acceptable holiday gift—but the safest one. Because at this point, it’s easier to hand someone an envelope than pretend we know what they’re into, what size they are, or whether Dandy is a character, a lifestyle, or a legally binding contract.

In the headlines on #TheUpdate this Thursday, he’s letting Jesus take the wheel. Timothy Cardinal Dolan’s 16-year tenure as Archbishop of New York came to an end, with a bishop from Pope Leo XIV’s native Windy City set to assume the holy throne.

New York is set to become the latest state to legalize medically assisted suicide for the terminally ill under a deal reached between the governor and state legislative leaders announced.

And in Washington, President Trump delivered a politically charged speech carried live in prime time on network television, seeking to pin the blame for economic challenges on Democrats while announcing he is sending a $1,776 bonus check to U.S. troops for Christmas.