Today in The Update Journal, we begin with a historic moment in culinary exploration: my first ever trip inside Buffalo Wild Wings. That’s right. After years of walking past those glowing televisions and the smell of fried ambition in the air, I will finally step through the doors like a rookie entering the big leagues. I’m told there are roughly 47 sauces, half of which are designed to test your pain tolerance and your will to live. We’ll see how that goes.

Then, from the continuing saga of “Answers on The Weakest Link That Make You Question the Future of Humanity,” we revisit a contestant who was asked which famous TV personality made her first vowel movement in 1982. Now the rest of us at home immediately shouted the correct answer: Vanna White. Simple. Easy. A layup question. The contestant, however, confidently answered… Ellen. Yes. Ellen. Apparently somewhere out there is an alternate universe where Ellen DeGeneres has been casually flipping letters on Wheel of Fortune since the Reagan administration.

And finally, in news that may temporarily stop Americans from crying while looking at their bank accounts, McDonald’s is preparing a new lineup of menu items for $3 or less. That’s right — in this economy, you can still walk into a McDonald’s with a couple of dollars and leave with actual food instead of just a napkin and emotional support.

So today we’ve got wings, vowels, and budget burgers—which honestly sounds like the name of a very strange law firm.

In the headlines on #TheUpdate this Thursday, newly released surveillance video appears to show a man buying a fuse at a fireworks store days before authorities say he and another man brought homemade bombs to a protest outside Mayor Mamdani's residence.

Mayor Mamdani spent his first in-person appearance at his “rental ripoff” hearings appealing to public housing tenants after he was heckled and previously accused of ignoring their plights.

And in Washington, the January collapse of a pipe as wide as a car dumped so much sewage into the Potomac River that officials tracked a spike of gut-wrenching bacteria drifting slowly past Washington for weeks, prompting an emergency declaration and federal assistance.