In today’s episode of “Who Approved This?” — we begin at 8AM, when apparently the only people awake are journalists, my parents flipping through every news channel, and someone standing at a podium choosing absolute violence before breakfast. Because nothing says “good morning” like a press conference before your coffee has even been processed.

Meanwhile, in the culinary crime division… Applebee’s has unveiled something so aggressively cheesy it should come with a cardiologist on standby. I watched the commercial and could physically hear my arteries filing a complaint with HR. There are things that look fancy… and then there are things that look like they’re one melted layer away from requiring a waiver.

And just when you think society has peaked? Enter the Great Wolf Lodge Ranch Milkshake — topped with carrots, whipped cream, and crispy chicken. Yes. Ranch. In milkshake form. With poultry garnish. Somewhere, a blender is questioning its life choices.

In the headlines on #TheUpdate this Tuesday, the Supreme Court sided with Republicans in ruling that the boundaries of the only GOP-held congressional district in New York City do not not need to be redrawn for the 2026 elections, despite a court ruling that the district is unfair to Black and Hispanic residents.

A man who repeatedly drove his car into the Chabad Lubavitch world headquarters in New York City earlier this year pleaded not guilty to federal charges of intentionally damaging religious property.

And in Texas, the gunman who opened fire outside a crowded bar and killed three people in an attack that wounded more than a dozen had not been on the radar of authorities, federal and local investigators said.