The Weight and Wonder Podcast

If you tell a boy he’s toxic and he won’t change, he’ll go find someone who tells him he’s fine, and that someone is usually online and usually selling something.

Philicia and Jason take apart the term "toxic masculinity": where it actually came from (a man, not feminist theory), why it was the first language many survivors had for harm, and why "be less toxic" gives a boy nothing to work on. They get into what the manosphere is really selling, the viral "straight or gay picture" reel, stoicism as unpaid emotional labor, bell hooks’ integrity and the princess dress story, the friendship recession (15% of men report no close friends), shoulder-to-shoulder friendship, third places, why women being the default therapist serves no one, and the four kinds of intimacy.

The Did You Consider holds space for Nolan Wells and for survivors watching the campus cases unfold.

Content note: themes of sexual assault are discussed; skip timestamps and support resources are below.


00:00 – Is “Toxic Masculinity” Doing More Harm Than Good?
04:40 – The Origins of Toxic Masculinity and the Manosphere
09:20 – Traditional Masculinity, Homophobia, and Emotional Suppression
17:19 – Male Friendships, Loneliness, and Emotional Intimacy
30:26 – Accountability, Sexual Assault, and Rethinking Masculinity


Question of the week: Do you think "toxic masculinity" is useful language, or is it time for clearer language? Tell us what you’re seeing in the culture that needs the same lens.


Listen: Spotify open.spotify.com/show/1DgARCNhJ61sey1nuabM6Z
Follow: instagram.com/weightandwonderpodcast | tiktok.com/@weightandwonder
Jason: linkedin.com/in/jasonlherndon | somemen.substack.com
Philicia: instagram.com/byphilicia | villageofsoundmind.co | byphilicia.substack.com

For educational purposes only; not a substitute for therapy.

#toxicmasculinity

A creator went viral asking women to stop putting men down for the things that bring them innocent joy. Philicia and Jason agree with her, and they have questions. In this episode: why home should be the one place a man never has to defend what makes him happy, whose joy gets policed first, and what the resentment is actually about when it is not about the controller. They get into perceived reciprocity, cognitive labor and the mental load, decompressing vs. checking out, why "you’re so childish" is a weapon and "I need us to be a team before we clock out" is a boundary, and what it means when watching your partner rest brings up grief. Plus: hobbies as bids for connection, a K-drama recommendation, and the question of the week.

Clinical framing for the first description paragraph: Licensed clinical social worker Philicia Ross and licensed psychologist Jason Herndon unpack male joy, the mental load, and relationship equity: perceived reciprocity, cognitive labor (Allison Daminger, 2019), bids for connection (John Gottman), the superwoman schema (Cheryl Woods-Giscombé, 2010), and rest as resistance (Tricia Hersey, 2022).


In This Episode:
00:00 — Why Men’s Joy Gets Policed
06:32 — When Men’s Hobbies Become a Problem
09:05 — Why Joy Shouldn’t Be a Punchline
15:18 — When Your Partner’s Joy Comes at Your Expense
18:37 — Mental Load, Cognitive Labor & Resentment
22:57 — Decompressing vs. Checking Out
24:49 — Did We Both Get to Clock Out?
27:31 — Boundaries vs. Weaponizing Insults
32:12 — Rest, the Superwoman Schema & Black Women
34:13 — What If Your Partner’s Rest Activates You?


Join The Conversation: Do male hobbies get a bad rap, or is this really about relationship equity? And tell us: what does relationship equity look like in your house?


Listen: Spotify | The Weight & the Wonder

Follow the show:
Instagram @weightandwonderpodcast
TikTok @weightandwonder

Connect with Jason & Philicia:
Jason: linkedin.com/in/jasonlherndon | somemen.substack.com
Philicia: Instagram @byphilicia and @villageofsoundmind | villageofsoundmind.co | byphilicia.substack.com

One of our most-loved conversations is back.

Can refusing to date bisexual men be biphobic?

In this episode of The Weight & The Wonder, Philicia Ross, LCSW-C, and Jason Herndon, PsyD, unpack the complicated conversation around dating preferences, bisexuality, gender, sexuality, and biphobia. Rather than reducing the question to a simple yes or no, they explore what may be underneath a dating preference, where personal boundaries and prejudice can intersect, and why context matters when we talk about attraction and relationships.

This episode sparked a lot of conversation, so we’re bringing it back for another listen.

Press play, revisit the conversation, and hold the weight and find the wonder.

Why do some non-Black celebrities become part of the “Black delegation”? And what does it actually mean when Black audiences feel connected to, trust, or grieve public figures who don’t share their racial or cultural identity?

In this episode of The Weight and the Wonder, Jason and Philicia unpack the cultural and psychological reasons behind that phenomenon following the deaths of Dolly Parton, Hayden Panettiere, and Tim Curry. They explore collective grief, racial socialization, representation, cultural trust, the monoculture of earlier generations, and the complicated line between cultural appreciation and appropriation.

The conversation also asks a deeper question: How do we decide who is safe? And what happens when someone we've welcomed into our cultural orbit eventually shows us a different side of themselves?

They also play a game: Who belongs in the Black delegation? Dante Basco, Chris Pine, Dakota Fanning, Laura Linney, and Timothy Chalamet all go before the panel. 😂


In This Episode:

00:00 — Highlights
00:27 — What We're Reacting To
01:42 — Welcome
05:00 — Why Do We Grieve Public Figures?
07:29 — What Are We Actually Grieving?
11:00 — Why Black Audiences Trusted Dolly Parton
14:45 — Hayden Panettiere, Representation & Shared Culture
19:32 — Why, Why Now? Making Sense of Loss
21:42 — Childhood, Music & Cultural Socialization
24:26 — The End of the Monoculture
27:14 — Racial Socialization & Who We Learn Is Safe
31:51 — Who Stays on the List?
36:19 — Cultural Trust, Mistrust & Celebrity Capital
40:25 — Cultural Appreciation vs. Cultural Appropriation
44:53 — Why Black People Are Asked to Explain Who They Love
47:26 — Trust, Tragedy & Victim Blaming
53:05 — The Black Delegation Game
01:07:18 — Final Thoughts & Join the Conversation

Who’s on your list? 👀

Which non-Black celebrities have become part of your cultural “delegation,” and what did they do to earn that trust? And who has fallen off the list and why?

Tell us in the comments!


Listen: Spotify | The Weight & the Wonder

Follow the show:
Instagram @weightandwonderpodcast
TikTok @weightandwonder

Connect with Jason & Philicia:
Jason: linkedin.com/in/jasonlherndon | somemen.substack.com
Philicia: Instagram @byphilicia and @villageofsoundmind | villageofsoundmind.co | byphilicia.substack.com

Help us reach 100 subscribers by September 22 and join the Wonder Club. Like, subscribe, and turn on notifications. New episodes every other week!

What happens when a man shows affection, expresses emotion, or presents in ways that are considered feminine? In this episode, Jason Herndon, PsyD, and Philicia Ross, LCSW-C, unpack the rigid rules of masculinity and the ways homophobia, biphobia, misogyny, and patriarchy reinforce those rules.

The conversation starts with two questions at the center of the current cultural debate: Why is a man buying his friend a birthday cake considered "gay"? And what happens when a woman finds out the man she's attracted to is bisexual? Jason and Philicia explore how behaviors coded as feminine become targets for policing, and why masculinity can become an enforcement system that limits everyone.

They also examine the idea of "preference" and when that word can become a hiding place for beliefs we haven't critically examined. The conversation moves into the history of the "down low" panic, the ways Black women have been taught to fear certain categories of Black men, and the difference between inherited fear and discernment.

From there, Jason and Philicia ask what it would actually look like to create environments where men can develop emotional depth, tenderness, friendship, and care without having to disguise those qualities. They look at examples from Love Island, Heated Rivalry, anime, sports, music, friendship, and fatherhood to explore the spaces where men already express full emotional worlds.

Ultimately, this episode isn't about telling anyone who they should date. It's about getting curious about why we want what we want, where our rules came from, and what happens when we mistake social conditioning for personal preference.

In This Episode:

00:00 Highlights

02:35 Welcome & Out Of Session

07:17 Biphobia, Homophobia & Policing Masculinity

12:33 The Rules of Traditional Masculinity

18:48 When “Preference” Becomes a Hiding Place

28:35 Why Men Hide Their Emotional Worlds

35:38 What We Take From This Conversation

38:00 Closing & Wonder Club

Wonder Club:

This week, Jason asks men to consider: Where do you still have rules you can name out loud but can't put down?

And Philicia asks women: When was the last time your "no" came with disgust attached and did you ever ask where that disgust came from?

Come talk to us about it. What did you learn growing up about what a man is allowed to be? And what did you learn about what femininity in a man meant?

Listen: Spotify | The Weight & the Wonder

Follow the show:

Instagram @weightandwonderpodcast

TikTok @weightandwonder

Connect with Jason & Philicia:

Jason: linkedin.com/in/jasonlherndon | somemen.substack.com

Philicia: Instagram @byphilicia and @villageofsoundmind | villageofsoundmind.co | byphilicia.substack.com

Help us reach 100 subscribers by September 22 and join the Wonder Club. Like, subscribe, and turn on notifications. New episodes every other week!

Finding a therapist can feel overwhelming. But finding the right therapist is about much more than scrolling through a directory.

In Part 2 of our BIPOC Mental Health Month series, Licensed Psychologist Dr. Jason Herndon and Licensed Clinical Social Worker Philicia Ross break down what actually matters when looking for a therapist. They discuss how to identify your needs before your first session, navigate insurance and self-pay options, understand what "fit" really means, and why shared identity alone doesn't guarantee an effective therapeutic relationship.

They also explore the ongoing conversation around culturally responsive care, therapeutic alliance, and the research behind why many Black clients seek Black therapists, not because race alone determines competence, but because safety, trust, and not having to constantly explain your lived experience matter.

Whether you've never been to therapy before or you're looking for a therapist who better fits where you are now, this episode offers a practical roadmap to help you begin.

In This Episode:

• The five steps to finding the right therapist
• How to know what you need before starting therapy
• Understanding cost, insurance, and affordable care options
• Why therapist "fit" matters more than credentials alone
• Shared identity, cultural humility, and what the research actually says
• Where to find therapists and how to evaluate directories
• How to reach out to a therapist and make the most of a consultation

Resources Mentioned:

• Inclusive Therapists
• Therapy for Black Girls
• Open Path Collective
• Loveland Foundation
• National Queer & Trans Therapists of Color Network
• Employee Assistance Programs (EAP)
• Graduate Training Clinic

Wonder Club Reflection:
Before you begin searching for a therapist, take a moment to reflect on what you hope will be different because of therapy, what would help you feel safe enough to be honest, and whether you're looking for comfort, challenge, or a balance of both. Consider what kind of therapeutic relationship would best support your growth. As Jason says, seek comfort and seek fit. And as Philicia reminds us, the research starts with you.

Connect With Philicia:

Instagram: @byphilicia | @villageofsoundmind

Website: villageofsoundmind.co

Substack: byphilicia.substack.com

Connect With Jason:

LinkedIn: Jason L. Herndon

Substack: somemen.substack.com

🎙️ Follow The Weight & The Wonder on YouTube, Instagram, TikTok, and wherever you get your podcasts.

Until next time, hold the weight and find the wonder.

In the first episode of our BIPOC Mental Health Month series, Jason Herndon, PsyD, and Philicia Ross, LCSW-C., explore why conversations about mental health in BIPOC communities cannot be separated from history, culture, and systemic barriers.

Together, they unpack the legacy of drapetomania, the overdiagnosis and misdiagnosis of Black children, the differences between psychology and social work, and how access to care is shaped by insurance, representation, and community support. They also discuss John Henryism, the Strong Black Woman Schema, weathering, respectability politics, and the role faith has played in many communities' relationships with mental health care.

Rather than asking, "Why don't people just go to therapy?" this conversation asks a different question: What has happened historically that makes seeking help feel so complicated?

In This Episode:

• Why BIPOC Mental Health Awareness Month matters
• Drapetomania and the historical misuse of mental health diagnoses
• The overdiagnosis and misdiagnosis of Black children
• Psychology vs. social work: understanding the difference
• Community care, insurance, and barriers to accessing therapy
• Why cultural responsiveness matters in mental health care
• John Henryism and the Strong Black Woman Schema
• Weathering and the impact of chronic stress
• Respectability politics and emotional survival
• Faith, spirituality, and therapy
• Why distrust of mental health systems didn't come out of nowhere
• What healing can look like moving forward

Follow Us:

Instagram: @weightandwonderpodcast

YouTube: @TheWeightandtheWonder

Tiktok: @weightandwonder

Connect With Jason:

LinkedIn: Jason L. Herndon

Substack: somemen.substack.com

Connect With Philicia:

Instagram: @byphilicia @villageofsoundmind

Substack: byphilicia.substack.com

Website: villageofsoundmind.co

This week, we invite you to reflect on this question:

What messages did you grow up hearing about therapy, mental health, or asking for help? How have those messages shaped the way you care for yourself today?

Everyone online is debating who the villain of Love Island USA Season 8 is. Jason and Philicia think the answer is much bigger than any one Islander.

In this episode, they explore what happens when dating, attachment, emotional regulation, race, gender, and reality television collide inside a highly manufactured environment. Instead of diagnosing contestants, they examine the systems shaping their behavior—from sleep deprivation and editing choices to production incentives and public voting.

Together they unpack why emotional intelligence looks different under chronic stress, how reality TV amplifies our fundamental attribution error, and why viewers often confuse nervous system reactions with personality. They also explore the developmental realities of dating in your twenties, the pressure cooker of forming relationships on camera, and what Love Island reveals about how we think love is supposed to work.

The conversation also takes a deeper look at race, colorism, gender expectations, and intersectionality within the villa. Jason and Philicia discuss how production can create diversity without necessarily creating inclusion, and why dating shows often reproduce the same social dynamics that exist outside the villa.

Rather than asking who the "good" or "bad" Islanders are, this episode asks a different question:

What happens when a system is designed to manufacture conflict—and we mistake that conflict for character?


In This Episode:
-Production is the villain (the system)
-Emotional intelligence and nonverbal communication
-Competing for love, the triangle, and depth
-Race, colorism, ethnicity, gender


Did You Consider?
Jason reflects on whether we've become too rigid in our expectations of dating, and why ethical, honest exploration with multiple people isn't inherently unhealthy.

Philicia explores how reality dating shows externalize self-worth, arguing that helping people recognize their inherent value may be the antidote to treating love as a competition.


Follow Us:
Instagram: @weightandtwonderpodcast
Spotify: The Weight and The Wonder Podcast
Tiktok: @weightandwonder

Connect With Jason:
LinkedIn: Jason L. Herndon
Substack: somemen.substack.com
Website: integratedpsyche.net

Connect with Philicia:
Instagram: @byphilicia @villageofsoundmind
Substack: Liberation Letters byphilicia.substack.com
Website: villageofsoundmind.co

Follow the conversation and share your thoughts:
Who do you think is the real villain of Love Island?

This week on The Weight and the Wonder, therapists Jason Herndon and Philicia Ross unpack a viral video that asks why women with multiple degrees can still find themselves heartbroken over partners who don't treat them well.

Using attachment theory, family systems, relationship psychology, and their experiences as therapists, they explore why intelligence, education, beauty, and success don't protect anyone from relational pain. They discuss the difference between your "boardroom brain" and your attachment system, how familiarity can be mistaken for compatibility, and why being chosen is not the same thing as being loved well.

Together, they examine the myths surrounding "equally yoked" relationships, the scarcity narratives often directed at educated women—particularly Black women—and how unmet emotional needs can shape our relationship choices.

In This Episode:
-Why education and intelligence don't prevent heartbreak
-The viral "three degrees and a birth certificate" relationship debate
-Attachment systems vs. logical decision-making
-Why familiarity can feel like compatibility
-The role of schema chemistry in attraction
-How nervous systems influence relationship choices
-EMDR, attachment wounds, and relationship patterns
-The Just World Hypothesis and victim-blaming
-Being "equally yoked" beyond degrees and credentials
-The pressure of scarcity narratives for educated women
-IFS exiles and the hunger to be chosen
-Bowen's concept of low differentiation
-Why being desired is not the same as feeling whole

Connect With Us
Instagram: @weightandwonderpodcast
Spotify: The Weight and the Wonder Podcast

Follow Philicia:
Instagram: @byphilicia | @villageofsoundmind
Substack: byphilicia.substack.com

Follow Jason:
LinkedIn: Jason L. Herndon
Substack: somemen.substack.com

In this episode of The Weight and the Wonder, Jason Herndon and Philicia Ross, discuss the Netflix documentary Should I Marry a Murderer? and the complicated story of Caroline—a doctor who became involved in a relationship with a man who confessed to participating in a fatal hit-and-run and cover-up.

But this conversation isn't really about true crime.

It's about attachment wounds, loneliness, emotional vulnerability, and the ways unresolved pain can shape our choices in relationships. Together, Jason and Philicia explore why intelligence doesn't make someone immune to unhealthy dynamics, how trauma can affect decision-making, and what happens when institutions misunderstand mental health struggles.

Together, we discuss:

• Why cognitive intelligence and emotional regulation are not the same thing
• The impact of previous abusive relationships on future decision-making
• The dangers of assuming successful people should "know better"
• How attachment crises can influence behavior and judgment
• The role of privilege in how victims are perceived and treated
• The devastating consequences of institutional failures and lack of trauma-informed care
• Love-induced mania, emotional dependence, and relationship dissonance
• The importance of accurate mirrors, healthy support systems, and community care
• Why unhealthy relationships aren't always abusive relationships
• The difference between being chosen and feeling whole

Media Referenced

• Should I Marry a Murderer? (Netflix)
• "Cranes in the Sky" — Solange
• Erika Badu's "Bag Lady"

Mental Health Resources
If this conversation brought up concerns about abuse, trauma, unhealthy relationships, or mental health struggles, please consider reaching out to a licensed mental health professional or a local crisis resource in your area.

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org/
• BEAM https://beam.community/get-help-now/
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233) 

Connect With Us
Instagram: @weightandwonderpodcast
YouTube: @theweightandthewonder

Find Our Hosts
Philicia Ross: @byphilicia | villageofsoundmind.co | LinkedIn @ Philicia Ross, LCSW-C
Jason Herndon: LinkedIn @ Jason L. Herndon | somemen.substack.com

Wonder Club, thank you for continuing to grow this cozy corner of the internet with us. We appreciate every listen, every conversation, and every moment you spend reflecting alongside us. We'll see you next time.