There Are Good Things Here

Katie was not just struggling with cancer. She was struggling with self-pity. Everyone in the world would have given her a pass, but she would not allow herself to go down that road.

From Isaiah 40:13, 14, Katie Hubbard wrote, "From whom did God take counsel, and who instructed him and taught him the paths of justice?" Her reflection on this thought: "You seek no counsel or direction. You are the perfect source. From you flows justice, truth, knowledge, direction." Words likes these anchored Katie as she finished radiation and faced another round of chemo.

"I have to walk through this valley no matter what. No matter how I respond, I am still here. So I can slog through with bitterness and a pity party or I can choose light, love, thanksgiving. God I need the Holy Spirit to work in me love, joy! I can't walk this in my own strength. I can't choose rightly apart from you." —Katie Hubbard, April 2013

As Katie Hubbard faced the challenges of radiation and the fear of losing her life to cancer, she told the Lord what she often told me. If she only had her own interests in mind, she would choose heaven in a heartbeat. Her concerns were all for us, especially the children. So what do you do with earthly fears and eternal confidence that are both so strong and seem to be pulling you in opposite directions?

Stress and anxiety have a way of driving us forward while blinding us to reality. Katie Hubbard was experiencing massive anxiety as she faced radiation, but she was beginning to analyze the deeper cause of her stress. In her own words: "I think I have come to the crux of my anxiety: 'Thy will be done.' I want MY will in all of this: no more cancer, me here. And I can't make that happen or make you make that happen."

After Katie Hubbard's diagnosis with recurrent breast cancer, she struggled to take every stressful thought captive. The idea behind this comes from 2 Corinthians 10:5, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." In its original context, the verse had to do with combatting false teaching from others. In Katie's situation—and often enough in our own—we deal with internalized false teaching. We doomcast about our future and spend our lives guided by inward fears. Perhaps you understand something about the "battle" with cancer. Katie will help you see that there's more to the battle than radiation and chemotherapy. There's an inner battle involved in taking every stressful thought captive.

For me (Norman Hubbard), it's an emotional start to a new season of the podcast. Today is the 7th anniversary of Katie's passing, and it falls very close to the time of year when she was diagnosed with recurrent breast cancer ten years ago. Opening up her journals and this chapter of our life together is still very painful for me. (I decided not to edit my tears out of the recorded audio.) More important than my tears, however, are her words as she reflects on God's Word. There is no distant shore of distress or depth of pain where a child of God will be abandoned: "If I make my bed in hell, behold, you are there ... if I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, even there your hand will lead me and your right hand will lay hold of me" (Psa 139:8-10).

Katie closed her journal entries for 2009 by reflecting on a December that was a fitting end to a hard year! Everyone in our family got sick with strep the week before Christmas. We were so sick we could not even celebrate Katie's birthday (which happened to be our anniversary). However, everyone was back on their feet for our pilgrimage to Wisconsin to be with family for the holiday. Katie rejoiced at the splendid winter weather ... and the chance to go shopping with her mom. If you asked her at the time how she was doing, she would say, "Really well, and forever altered; deeply happy and profoundly emotional; up, and down!" Maybe her experience is not too far from your own. May her reflections strengthen you.

In September and October of 2009, things were looking up for Katie after months of feeling bad from cancer treatment. Consistent with her custom of talking with God about everything, Katie looked up because things were looking up. She offers a tremendous prayer where she reflects on God's abundance and asks him to draw her out of a mindset of poverty and want. "My resources are lacking," she writes, "but you're are infinite through eternity." Her journal is a great reminder to look up when things are looking up.

As Katie Hubbard geared up for a new school year, she found herself confronted with so many negative thoughts about the challenges of life with cancer, kids, and limited resources. As she listed her troubles in her journal, she prayed for the courage to trust God in the face of trials and uncertainty. "You have given us promises for times of storm and trial," she wrote, "not blue sky and ease."