I was thinking a little bit more about Matt cons video on intention and I was thinking about how he said set big intentions for mundane tasks and I also realized in a way that the state of map consciousness is a state of a different intention completely so what Matt cons talking about is from ego consciousness setting big intentions and I was thinking about how in map consciousness the ego is scrambled and so there's a completely different intention there to begin with there's different meanings but the whole state seems to be of a different intentionality and it could be towards being relational and being embodied as one's child like self because that's how we are naturally in the ego is sort of programming that's in the way of our natural way of being and maybe the intention is to be creative and to learn which is beyond right and wrong because right and wrong would mean we have to compare it to previous knowledge and so we're always classifying and categorizing our perceptions based on previous knowledge and the previous knowledge is what is actually what is making things salient so we're only seeing what we previously know to be true and categorizing based on that whereas in map consciousness it's a state beyond right and wrong it's a state of always learning and there's pretty much no time to even judge whether something is right or wrong it's just like aha moment after aha moment and everything that is an aha moment is seen and understood as truth for that moment in the moment maybe not truth ultimately in context to every single moment but in that moment seen as truth and then it's let go and the next truth comes so it's like a state of living in truth for a moment to moment and when the ego starts to come in and try to judge and make things right or wrong good and bad then that moment a moment truth unfolding starts to get mixed up and then when it gets mixed up one starts to become in a state of confusion which leads to fear which leads to scary meanings and associations and then one eventually reassociate with ego consciousness the one that says right and wrong good or bad and I think too there's a difference in that when a person is in Eagle consciousness and and making these intentions it's still an abstraction and still a conceptualization whereas in map consciousness it's actually a state of being and the meaning and the intention are actually in the moment and then they're gone and in that way it's always new and diverse whereas if we're conceptualizing and abstracting in order to make intentions and meanings were still distracted from the infinite unfolding of the moment and i still feel there's value in doing that for sure I just see that when I compare it to the space of map consciousness when we're connecting with something of other meaning and of other intention besides the egos desires and intentions it's sort of like what he's talking about but the universe is doing it for us it's a way of being and I still feel what he's talking about is a way of being even though it's giving voice to altruistic intentions which is a good thing because it's a it's of a different quality than thinking about oneself I still don't think it's good to follow anybody really part of me just speaking to myself like this is perhaps giving permission to for us in a way to think for ourselves about stuff and talking about things like mania and psychosis for hours upon hours in ways that I choose to think about it and talk about it because it's my own experience a professional can give me a label but it's likely that professional has never experienced this so I'm talking about it and thinking about it and looking at it and inquiring about it in and presenting different perspectives on it in ways that I choose to think about it and I'm even using some scientific terms with my limited scientific background and reading but if if people that are professionals want to impose professional terms on my experience then I can use professional terms to unfold and extrapolate my experience too it's about me creating and using language the way that I would choose to because language is what creates our perception of reality so if I talk to myself enough in this way it will sink n to me and maybe that's what Matt Khan is talking about with the intentions as it sinks in to one's being when one says all that stuff enough i guess i would have to try it to see if it translates into actually being able to be that way in actuality cuz for me all of this talking with myself is leading up to being able to embody my mania which is a state of so many different things it's you can't define it I can't define it but to me it's like hyper learning creativity always learning so in a manic state or an embodied manic state I would always be learning just like when I'm talking to myself in self dialogue I have some stuff written down but when I elaborate on things most of it i just make it up on the go so I've never actually heard that before until I say it myself and to me that's learning for myself it's learning from my own perception it's learning from my own ability to extrapolate from what I've read it would be sort of like how a person who's a researcher might research one paper and then look in the references and then look up all the papers that led to that paper and look up all the papers that led to that paper and each of those papers might have taken ten years to come to so there's like thousands and thousands and thousands of hours worth of intellectualization that goes into that one paper because it's all from a hundred papers leading up to this one paper and all those papers are doing that but we can actually do that with our own brains and be able to draw on things that we read ten years ago but we forgot that we read or something that we say that is completely new how many sentences do we think or say in a given day that are completely original that we didn't get from somebody else last week we don't come up with anything because we've been taught to just learn from other people we we don't know how to actually engage our own brains to learn and so with me doing this all this talking with myself it's inviting myself to do that and I'm surprised with some of the stuff that I've said even though I can't remember it anyway and I feel like I've been able to say some stuff to myself that is kind of interesting to me that I could have been just reading books the whole time and reading interesting sentences that other people came up with that other people took five years to come up with and put in a book or something and there's a lot of that out there there's a lot of great information and ideas that people have said but I find that now I'm in a space where I'm able to just create that with myself it's like I'm speaking out my own book to read verses reading other people's books and I think I really enjoy reading other people's books but I think it's more powerful to to see things for myself and say them give voice to them then if i was to read it from somebody else i would be sort of like in child development kids naturally will learn how to walk but that would be like an adult saying okay well we're going to make this kid walk well it's going to happen anyways so in that same way i feel like just by having dialogue with myself and coming up with some of my own stuff and building on that it's more powerful for me though I might have been able to experience something similar by reading books because the thing is with the context that I'm talking about for myself a lot of people have been through this similar thing and it's it's a similar context for a lot of people and a lot of people might choose to write a book but I've just chosen to do this whole self dialogue process I feel like my up consciousness is a state that creates context all of this talking to myself has come out of that experience and is trying to create other context than the programming that society would have me believe and when that gets scrambled I'm creating other context naturally because I'm not in that and also with what Matt Khan said he's saying attach big intentions to mundane tasks like sipping water is saving the world for example and a person in sipping water has control and also has control over saying when I sip water the world is healed now I've been in spaces where I don't feel like I'm in so much control but I've also had enough so-called control to be able to set intentions or context so if I'm feeling quite distressed I could think that the universe is recalibrating me for the highest good or I'm processing other information than just my own because if I'm in a state of distress that's greater than my current situation it implies them processing more from my past or whatever maybe even the collective unconscious so by thinking that as part of the context that I've created for myself by speaking to myself about it I'm not going to be so afraid of it because if the fear comes in then that's when other associations can start to make it spiral out of control more and also it's sort of like saying something along the lines of the universe is recalibrating you for my eyes it or just recalibrating me it also states well this is time-limited it's not going to keep going forever and it's also not saying oh this is bad and I need to stop it from happening it's just something that's happening so it's not really putting any kind of value on that experience and by calling it bad and resisting it it can actually make it worse because we have the energy of fear and resistance going into the experience it's sort of along the lines of this too shall pass another thing with these videos to that I haven't really talked about I haven't really thought about it this way but in a way I'm a person diagnosed with a serious and persistent mental illness and that sounds kind of scary but I don't think I'm really coming across as a scary person I hope not I was thinking about dissociation and how I sometimes dissociate as part of this whatever that's going on and I was thinking that when i dissociate i often feel like a homeless person and and in a way my inner home is my ego self that's how I feel at home by being that version of myself so when I dissociate from that I feel homeless because I don't feel like me I don't feel like my ego self I'm wondering if that's because homeless people don't really have an ego self and they feel homeless because they are homeless because they can't function because they don't have that ego self which is the functional self so I feel like bipolar in a way or at least association is like being an inner homeless person I feel like it wouldn't take much for me to be a homeless person I guess like if my ego Center detached and I dissociated from it and I wasn't able to get back to it I don't know how I would function at all and I might just be a homeless person wandering and then I think about how if homeless people wandering sort of don't have that ego self in a way they're more sane because they don't have this functional accumulative Center I feel like they could be in a high level of consciousness actually but society wasn't designed for them to be in that level of consciousness and so now they sort of appear to be these homeless people and there's this big gap between say homeless people and then the people that have it all and that needs to be closed that gap needs to be closed because I feel like one day I could disconnect from that ego and and be homeless or or disconnect from it and say have some kind of dementia and or appear to have that but really i'm actually quite conscious and aware inside yet i can't actually do anything to show that i'm there i don't know it's a strange sensation i feel i feel myself simplifying my life like they talk about simplify your life and why it's good and everything but I feel like the way that this consciousness is going it's wanting life to be simplified I would have complete necessity like it has to for example I've very little food in my fridge right now because it's very it's difficult to sort of like plan meals or I don't know it's strange it's I almost feel like I almost feel like I need to organize my life in such a way that it appears that i have a functional ego but really I would be completely lost it would almost be like having no memory no ability to really plan ahead so then what would be necessary is going based on oh there's a sensation of hunger that means get food these are sort of things that are the intelligence of the body so bodily necessities bodily intelligence would be there which is something that happens naturally and I don't really know what i'm talking about i'm trying to describe this weird sensation I've had lately and it's almost like still having friends and and meeting up with friends and things but meeting up as a completely confused person but not confused in a bad way confused in that the brain really has no motivation because the motivation the desires of the ego and of the dopamine stuff and so what is it like to live without that and I feel like if i was to resist that happening i could perhaps interpret this loss of functionality in terms of the ego functionality and some of its necessary I just feel like I'm losing more of it for example a year ago I would have been eating lots of fruits and veggies and have all the ingredients in my fridge for salad and be ready to make a smoothie as well stocked full of veggies and fruits and everything and now I can't even now if I get one thing a spinach it goes bad because I'm not really thinking about making healthy food for myself I can manage to do those overnight oats and then have like rice and indian food sauce and that's kind of it and if I was starting I think I've talked about before if I was starting to feel really unwell physically I could probably manage to to focus more on that but it hasn't been detrimental in terms of energy and things because I have a different view on energy and how it's not necessarily from food I think it there's I think healthy food is important but I think at a certain point it becomes less important like one can let go of one's attachment to healthy food I do take some vitamins maybe I'll at some point stop taking those two and I was saying how I'm having trouble focusing on certain things for work linear tasks and things and it could just be temporary as well because I do often get into a place where I'm more functional in those ways when I think about this last number of months I haven't gotten better with the food thing at all I'm not sure where I'm going with that it's it's something that I'm experiencing cuz i had a week or so of distress but now that that seems to be over I'm sort of in this space of being a bit spaced out and I don't think it's necessarily bad but I could make it feel bad if I resisted it and if I tried to do certain functional things that aren't really congruent with the state I wonder what a ready position would be for random acts of kindness and synchronicity what I mean by that is a lot of sports they have like ready position but when you're getting ready for a serve in tennis or or when an outfielders getting ready for the pitch in case the ball is hit in baseball a lot of us walk around with our heads down or sunglasses on looking at our devices and that's not really ready position for being relational or randomly kind so ready position would be like eyes open mouth corners up and ready to look at somebody's eyes hands out of the pocket ready to shake someone's hand or grab the door so I feel like there's sort of a ready position for for that and I think it's related to posture and gesture

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