THIS IS NOT A TEST

On tap today: collecting things, completism, Catcher in the Rye, TV Guide magazine, bottle caps, cat-eye sunglasses, Circus, CREEM and Rock Scene magazines, box rattlers, sealing things in hard plastic, View-Master, King Tut, silver dollars, binding sniffers, Mantle rookie cards, Electro Harmonix pedals, The Wormwood Review, The Wailers, Elvis tie racks, being no-nonsense and domesticating wolves.

Do you believe rumors? Of course you do. Where do they come from? Word has it we'll also talk about kinescopes, spinning plates, being an eternal optimist, seeing ghosts, your Facebook feed, P.T. Barnum, Internet arguing, the liberal media, briefly trying to be good Lutherans, Rastafarians, being a feminist, a dictator's stock in trade, pollen or tree droppings, faith, religions as rumors, salted fish, Mayor McCheese and coconut trees.

An oral history of my Teeth. Yes, teeth! Just one of life's wonders and horrors that we all share. And you can't talk about teeth without talking about Thunderdome, science and technology, surviving on 2 liter bottles of Coke and bowls full of jellybeans, stumps and crowns, implants (dental, not breast), royal decree, things you think are crazy until you do them yourself, being hypnotized out of your money, my psychology in particular or anyone's psychology in general, being busy, going to Iceland, flying vs. the bus and the Grand Central Market downtown.

An admittedly biased one-man oral history of the Guerilla Poetics Project, including tricky vampire doctors, sharks, unknown poets, databases, voting blind, Ginsu knives, explaining Netflix to a monkey, swag, pawn shops, mysterious collectives, going viral, human nature, ending strong, the extinction of retail book stores (maybe), vinyl LPs, The Beatles fan club and minor miracles.

An inebriated "interview" with author and artist Hosho McCreesh. Including discussion of telephones, Hot Pockets, the Guerilla Poetics Project, pre-established familiarity, Four Roses bourbon, apology and explanation, leaving your balls at Disneyland, buying fake purses in Juarez, all jobs are lousy, people who use typewriters are assholes, the shrinking world of the aging, binding books with Admiral Kurtz (a.k.a. Bill Roberts), writing running its course, being stuck on a tiny dust mote in a vast emptiness and lack of preparation.

This Facebook thing, think it'll catch on? Also, gay marriage in Kentucky, cats are henchmen for the dark overlord, knock-off Prada bags, Soviet apartments, geocities, pictures of car wrecks, chosing convenience over quality, hedge funds, the Holstee Manifesto, five thousand dollar bicycles, mystery meat, snake oil, those Victorian-era bikes with the giant wheels, taxidermied deer feet, 80 year old hammers, wiping your ass with a corncob and Ben Franklin.

Okay, let's talk about The MTV Video Music Awards, Chrissie Hynde's book interview and the Internet's reaction to it, and The Pageant of The Masters, which is something you've probably never heard of, but you've got to hear about it. And yes, I will also say a thing or two about the Oscars, the Wu-Tang Clan, N.W.A., power ballads, A Flock of Seagulls, a modern day Christ figure, hurricane Katrina, Laguna Beach-types, Mark Twain, ostriches and nostalgia.

Trevy Felix of Boom Shaka and his companion Nelly Stharre were found dead on August 19th in the burned remains of the house where they lived in the hills of Dominica. Trevy was a friend for almost 30 years, so here's a little remembrance.

Today I'm going to read you a story. Sit back, relax. Put your feet up. Pour yourself a tumbler of tequila or Bärenjäger. Get into your jammies. Or whatever you do.

Listen while I extol the wonders of aging and sing the praises of getting up and doing the same thing every day, running naked through the streets, retirement, pensions, GOD testing Job, people who "don't see color," being in your 50s, filling up the Internet, the best place to sit or stand at a concert, going blind, having the stamina of an 18 year old, torn ligaments and separated shoulders, hummingbird feeders, dropping dead on your 35th birthday, doctors not actually curing anyone, changing lots of flat tires, eternal life and looking up at the sky and wondering what happens next.