Season 5 - Finding Meaning, Finding Purpose kicks off with a meandering long-thought analysis of where I am and where I'd like to be. 

And what's next?

I'm finally here. As of today, I have been sober for 20 years. I talked at length last week about many of the lowest points of my young life a drunk teenager, but today I want to close out the story by telling the story of the last night of binge drinking before I quit for good. I take a closer look at how I got here, 20 years later.

My escalating career as a "drunk child" came to a head one night and all these years later this is the closest thing I come to a rock bottom moment. That night I went too far and it was very nearly an unforgivable mistake. All of the damage I did, all the relationships that my drinking ruined before someone finally called me out and left me with a choice to make. Spoiler alert: It appears I made the right choice.

Let's just get to it, shall we? I've needed to address out loud to myself, some of the really low moments I experienced as a result of my drinking. They've always been there, in the back of my mind but I haven't really admitted them to myself and reflected on them openly. One, in particular, carries a long overdue apology to my late Mother.

It time for me to come to terms with my childhood. There are some experiences I need to unpack and this is just the starting point. I am...was...an alcoholic. I started my career as a "drunk" at the age of 12. I experienced a lot of bad things. I did a lot of bad things. I need to walk through these memories and deal with them once and for all.

I thought about my brother today, and how he and I, despite very similar experiences growing up, turned out to believe very different things about race, ethnicity, and gender. How two brothers who came from the same places with the same experiences can see the world so differently.

I had the singular honor of interviewing my friend and colleague "Caleb" (who also hosts the outstanding podcast "Caleb vs Self") In the conversation around "Coming To Terms" with life experiences, Caleb shares the experience of becoming a leader in the army at a very young age during the Iraq war before transitioning to civilian life and coming to terms with having to completely start over.

It's time for me to start exploring and working through some of the things from my young life that I have never really come to terms with. Today's conversation cut a little deeper than I expected and seems to have opened a possible flood gate of issues I need to address from my youth. The things I did, the choices I made, and how they influenced the person I became for a long time.