It’s funny/not funny how we give ourselves clues as to what is going on inside with external stuff. A few weeks ago I went to Trader Joe’s and bought those salty mochi snacks that are nearly impossible to stop eating. In addition, I bought granola, yogurt and a bottle of Two Buck Chuck that was three bucks.

None of these items necessarily sound bad (unless you’re an oenophile), but none were on my list and none are things that I usually consume. I was shopping for a “feel better”. Unfortunately all of this stuff ultimately makes me feel worse in the end. Not only do I feel shitty after I eat or drink them, I can then beat up on myself because I know better.

So when I heard myself asking the stock person where those damned mochi things were, why didn’t I stop then? Why do we have to drag ourselves through the shittiness to try to get to a better feeling? We know the ultimate result.

Inevitably, I got to what was underneath. I was feeling anxious and afraid about something that was on the horizon. The headache and feeling bloated from the wine and the mochi snacks didn’t ultimately help.

I can see that this stuff doesn’t work any more. Whether it’s food or shopping or anything else that takes me out of center. By now, when I have that thought to pick up the bottle of wine I know it's a flag, a warning, that something is trying to get my attention.

 I’ve worked with these signals, these triggers, in 12 Step programs for over 25 years. While I have the grace to not be an alcoholic and can stop at one glass, the fact that I “pick up” anything to medicate my feelings whether it’s wine or new shoes, is something I want to observe and have compassion about, rather than feeling more shame.

12 Step programs have served me well for more than a quarter century. They’ve provided structure and community that I found no where else. They kept me from going over the edge emotionally and financially many times. They have a very important and essential place in our society especially if one has the gene that creates substance addiction. They save lives.

But for me, they never addressed the core wounding. They never touched the truest, most baseline cause of any of my acting out behavior. They never helped me to see that there was nothing wrong with me in the first place.

I completely agree that one must be honest about what is going on. But feeling further shamed and punished doesn’t seem to be the quickest way to heal the source of the wound. Love does. And, unfortunately, it’s not something I’ve heard talked about enough in 12 Step. 

What we’re all trying to do is to feel loved. Deeply loved. Deeply lovable. To get back to the knowing that we are inherently lovable - and always have been. NO MATTER WHAT. Even when we go on the occasional Trader Joe’s spree. Especially when we go on the occasional Trader Joe’s spree.

When we know from a place deep inside that we are and always have been lovable, we can safely feel all that we feel. Deeply. 

One day at a time…