Living with Meraki

For this, the 21st and final episode of the first season of the living with Meraki podcast, I’m turning the tables and featuring an episode of a podcast called Belly of the Beast Life Stories in which I was interviewed by the host, David All. We sat down under the redwoods in Mill Valley and talked about my relationship with my daughter and how that has evolved since she was adopted in Japan 16 years ago.

We later laughed that my theme song happened to include the lyrics, Belly of the Beast. Guess this was meant to be!

You can find David’s podcast, Belly of the Beast Life Stories, on his website, inourbelly.com or on Apple podcasts or your favorite podcasting portal. 

This is it for Season 1 of the Living with Meraki podcast. I’ll be back soon. Thanks for joining me!

Many are calling this time a Great Awakening.

I’ve been wondering. Can we look at this as a gift? And step out of the fear? Maybe. For just a moment. If we stop. Now. To listen. To hear. To feel TRUTH. We will see the beauty unfolding. The love.

It may be that love is gently, or not so gently, suggesting that we change our ways. Change our relationships. Change our perspective.

Have you heard the birds singing? Become intoxicated by the vibrancy of the flowers?

Can we have the courage to open our hearts to the others that we have been “othering”? Bottom line, they want what we want. Love. And to be loved.

Can you feel the love in your neighbor’s smile? In the gift of vegetables from the garden?

Can we have the courage to open our hearts to ourselves? That is all we really want. Love. And to be loved.

But we are afraid. Afraid of not enough. Not enough in our checking account. Not enough in our pantry. Not enough in our hearts.

We hoard out of fear that we won’t have what we need.

But it is there. And it will be there. Because love never goes away. 

Our lover may leave. People will die. But love never does. The True source of love. Never leaves.

But we never knew this. We were not shown. Never taught. Never told. Because those to whom we were born were never shown. Never taught. Never told.

We are all being called to see. To know. That we are loved. We are lovable. We don’t have to do anything to prove it. And nothing we do can prove that we aren’t. 

When we see. When we know. The True Essence of ourselves and of every other being on this planet. We will know love. 

We can come to forgive ourselves. For not loving ourselves.

We begin to crack open. And that crack allows some light. Light that the seedling, the kernel of love, that has always lived within us, allows to grow. 

And when it has room to grow. There is enough food. And enough money. And enough love.

We aren’t hoarding out of fear anymore. We are trusting. And knowing. And loving. Ourselves.

And each other.

This is a Great Awakening. Let us not go back to sleep.

My guest today, Barbara Waxman MS, MPA, PCC, is a nationally recognized Middlescence expert, coach, author, and speaker. In 2005, as the only Master’s level gerontologist and internationally certified coach in the US, she founded The Odyssey Group, providing executive leadership and life coaching to adults in midlife and better. Barbara’s mission is to shift our cultural norms around aging by establishing Middlescence as a new life stage. 

Barbara has developed a concept she calls the 5 essential elements that are areas that we need to have balance in to be healthy and well - especially in times like this.  

We talk about the benefits of repotting ourselves to spread our roots and get some new nutrients and about undoing practices that we don’t actually need in order to clear our minds and help improve our memory.

And she asks an especially pertinent question for right now:  How can we feed forward versus feeding back?

Trusting that we will have all that we need right now can be an incredibly challenging ask. But we will. And we do. It just may not look like we think it should. Or how we want it to.

I spent 18 years in a financial recovery program where I went from living off of credit cards, to building a business that grossed over $8 million in sales. It required faith, a lot of emotional and logistical support from others and making some tough decisions at times. What I created was way beyond what I had envisioned. I learned so much.

But creating wealth is not sustainable if you don’t have the internal belief system to back it up. We are capable of manifesting mansions and Mercedes, if that’s what we want, but unless we believe that we are worthy at our core, we will ultimately lose those external symbols of wealth.

Our net worth must be supported by our self-worth, or it will crumble.

And it’s the fear of those losses that cause us to begin to hoard, and cheat, and bend the truth in what we think is our favor.

But it never really works that way. And the lying, cheating, and truth-bending only serve to further erode our inherent sense of self-worth.

As we will see in the world at large in the not too distant future, the systems, the corporations and the beings that are perpetuating this immorality will not survive - not in their current form.

We’ve been given free reign for a very long time now and we have created a lot of good in the world. And we’ve also created some pretty horrific situations.

When much of the world is sheltering-in-place, we’re being given an opportunity to slow down and breathe. To evaluate what is what it is we really value. To see what it is that we truly require to survive. And to thrive.

We don’t require cases of toilet paper. We just need enough for right now. Trusting that when that gets low, there will be more.

We don’t require fancy club memberships and luxury cars. They’re great and incredible treats for us. I can definitely enjoy and appreciate luxuries like this. But they’re not required for living healthy lives and getting us where we need to go.

We don’t require excessive sex, drugs and alcohol to feel good. We do need intimate connection, the drug that love is and the intoxicating effect of the beauty of nature.

When we see that we have enough and know that we, inherently, are enough, we can walk with a sense of peace and equanimity through all of this. Then, we can build from there. With balance, compassion, love and trust.

The other day I spent an hour and a half walking. Partly for exercise, partly to go to four different stores in search of toilet paper. I came home empty handed. But full hearted. Every person I passed on the street was smiling. Not the usual stiff obligatory-feeling acknowledgement, but genuine, heart-felt, compassion-filled smiles.

On my way home, I noticed the brilliance of the newly opening buds against the misty grey sky and took in the scent of the flowers.

As you’ve probably noticed, people are getting creative in their time at home, coming up with innovative ways to shift their business models. Ways that they likely would never have contemplated unless necessity required it. Ways that will ultimately have far less impact on our planet because we’re more efficient with resources like fuel for our cars. Ways that support each others businesses in the process.

We’re reaching out to families and friends with far greater frequency and more open, caring hearts than we usually take the time to do in our normal hustle and flow.

SO, 

What if, instead of hoarding toilet paper and pasta, we used this time to sit with gratitude for what we do have?

What if, instead of endless exposure to the fear-inducing news, we directed our focus toward looking at all of the good that is coming out of this time?

What if, despite all of the suffering that is happening, we opened to the possibility that this has been coming for a long time and that it is, in reality, a kinder, gentler way of the earth righting itself rather than the dystopian nuclear war possibility that we seemed to have been headed toward?

There are always myriad points of view on every subject. Without being in denial of the very real dangers swirling in the air (and on surfaces) these days, we can also choose to see the incredible amount of good coming out of all of this.

What if…we approached this as a letting go, a freefall of trust. What if this is a re-ordering of priorities and perspectives?

What if… it actually allows us the space to see the inherent abundance in our lives? To feel it? To even smell it? To appreciate the simplicity and beauty of what we actually do have.

We can take the time to taste our food more fully. We can watch colors become brighter and more vibrant. We make judicious choices about what’s truly important in the time spent away from home and family.

What if it’s a time for us to empty out? To open up? And practice gratitude? And practice trust? And practice listening? And hearing? And Knowing? 

What if this is about walking right up to the edge, to the point where the rocks appear to be crumbling under our feet, peering over that edge and knowing that it isn’t about falling. It is about flying. It is about the freedom to say yes. And the freedom to say no.

What if it is about becoming open to receive what is rightfully ours - versus what we grab out of fear? And if we’re sick and vulnerable, what if it’s about letting ourselves know love? What if it’s about receiving from friends and family; and all we have to do is say yes? And let ourselves know love.

What if this time is about stripping away all of the excess, all of the pretense, all of the everything that keeps us from being our humble, human selves?

If I were to zoom all the way out to look at the arc of this particular lifetime, I can begin to see the threads that are all being woven into one incredibly intricate and beautiful cloth. But before weaving these new threads, I had to examine the ones making up the carpet I had been riding on.

There’s the thread of the illusion of control. Boy, have I held tightly to this one. For me, one way it manifested was as obsessive order in my home. Bed always made, Counters clean and gleaming and nothing out of place. Anywhere. While fibers of this thread still exist, I’m holding them much more loosely.

There’s the thread of caring what you think of me. This one looked like both attempting to always appear perfectly dressed with perfect hair and make up, and trying to impress you with what I had done, who I knew and where I’d been.

There’s the thread of not enough. Not enough time. Not enough energy. Not enough money, attention or love.

This entire cloth was woven from threads of fear. A fear of losing your love. Your approval. Your acceptance.

The microcosm of my own story can certainly be seen in the macrocosm of society: 

- Trying to control how others behave

- Our obsessive focus on artificially created beauty.

- The endless pursuit of more “likes”. 

- And our workaholic, unconscious acquisition of stuff in an attempt to fill our sense of    not enough.

In this iteration of my personal journey, as I’ve been consciously allowing many of these old threads to disintegrate, new threads, woven of gold are beginning to replace them.

There is the thread of acceptance that lets you see me, at times, without make up on or less-than-perfectly accessorized.

There is the thread of self-care that looks like eating far less sugar, eating more green vegetables and spending far more time dancing or hiking or biking.

There is the thread of trust. This one is now doubly reinforced because I know more and more deeply, that I will not fall through the cracks. That I am held. That I am supported. Always.

The most vibrant of these golden threads that are making up this new magic carpet that I’m allowing myself to be carried by is the thread of love. It is what is truly at the core of all these other threads. It is actually the warp and the weft underlying it all.

These threads were always available, but I had no idea how to find them. They had been buried in plain sight like so many of the jewels of our experience here on earth.

So as I spin and gather these newly discovered and uncovered threads and begin to weave them more securely throughout my being and that which carries me, I can begin to joyfully soar on this heroine’s journey into my next chapter.

It’s funny/not funny how we give ourselves clues as to what is going on inside with external stuff. A few weeks ago I went to Trader Joe’s and bought those salty mochi snacks that are nearly impossible to stop eating. In addition, I bought granola, yogurt and a bottle of Two Buck Chuck that was three bucks.

None of these items necessarily sound bad (unless you’re an oenophile), but none were on my list and none are things that I usually consume. I was shopping for a “feel better”. Unfortunately all of this stuff ultimately makes me feel worse in the end. Not only do I feel shitty after I eat or drink them, I can then beat up on myself because I know better.

So when I heard myself asking the stock person where those damned mochi things were, why didn’t I stop then? Why do we have to drag ourselves through the shittiness to try to get to a better feeling? We know the ultimate result.

Inevitably, I got to what was underneath. I was feeling anxious and afraid about something that was on the horizon. The headache and feeling bloated from the wine and the mochi snacks didn’t ultimately help.

I can see that this stuff doesn’t work any more. Whether it’s food or shopping or anything else that takes me out of center. By now, when I have that thought to pick up the bottle of wine I know it's a flag, a warning, that something is trying to get my attention.

 I’ve worked with these signals, these triggers, in 12 Step programs for over 25 years. While I have the grace to not be an alcoholic and can stop at one glass, the fact that I “pick up” anything to medicate my feelings whether it’s wine or new shoes, is something I want to observe and have compassion about, rather than feeling more shame.

12 Step programs have served me well for more than a quarter century. They’ve provided structure and community that I found no where else. They kept me from going over the edge emotionally and financially many times. They have a very important and essential place in our society especially if one has the gene that creates substance addiction. They save lives.

But for me, they never addressed the core wounding. They never touched the truest, most baseline cause of any of my acting out behavior. They never helped me to see that there was nothing wrong with me in the first place.

I completely agree that one must be honest about what is going on. But feeling further shamed and punished doesn’t seem to be the quickest way to heal the source of the wound. Love does. And, unfortunately, it’s not something I’ve heard talked about enough in 12 Step. 

What we’re all trying to do is to feel loved. Deeply loved. Deeply lovable. To get back to the knowing that we are inherently lovable - and always have been. NO MATTER WHAT. Even when we go on the occasional Trader Joe’s spree. Especially when we go on the occasional Trader Joe’s spree.

When we know from a place deep inside that we are and always have been lovable, we can safely feel all that we feel. Deeply. 

One day at a time…

According to Webster, liminal means in between or in transition. According to Sharon Eisenhauer the liminal is un-fucking-comfortable.

Melting into my current state of primordial goo has required the release of my former identities, former homes, most of my possessions and even much of my wardrobe. So much of who I am becoming no longer fits what it is I’m transitioning into. Gone are former associations, friends, and frames of mind. 

I’ve been releasing long-held beliefs about who I was and who my parents were. Definitions of what it means to be held, supported and taken care of have acquired a whole new understanding.

Last week I made a decision to let go of a significant segment of work that I’ve done off and on since I was 14 years old because it no longer fit who I am becoming. 

While I have added a few things like wrinkles, dark circles and more gray hair, I’ve also added insight, forgiveness and joy. Appreciation. Gratitude. And hopefully some wisdom.

I would never have chosen to stay where I was, but this period of gestation just before what I know is to be the birth of something glorious has me feeling so uncomfortable that I’m even nauseated at times. It’s been a kind of nausea that is different from what accompanies a flu. It’s in my throat. It’s a discomfort that I know portends a major shift in the works. Unlike morning sickness at the early stages of pregnancy, this nausea seems to be coming just before birth - and it’s not just in the morning.

I have an idea of what it may look like on the other side of the walls of this cocoon, but of course I can’t ever really know what this new reality will be until I’m living it.

I do know, without doubt, that all of this shedding and release is leading me to a brilliance and beauty I’ve never before experienced. It has meant the release of my former definition of my own physical beauty; but the beauty that is revealing itself has so many more layers, depth and vibrancy.

And while the opening I’m having to squeeze through in this moment feels way too skinny, I know that the muscle of faith it’s developing will be what allows me to thrive.

And, it’s so un-fucking-comfortable. Sometimes I feel as though I can barely breathe. But I know that breathing is precisely the prescription for this transition. Breathing and trust.

And since I’m the one who’s both giving birth and being birthed, it’s no wonder it feels like I’m being turned inside out.

This period of time feels like another of the very necessary contractions required to birth and be birthed.

I can see the light. May this be the final push.

The first time I went to the clothing-optional baths at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur almost 30 years ago, I was that girl in the swimsuit sitting on her hands. Today, that girl feels confined and restricted at not being able to take her clothes off in a public hot tub or on an empty beach.

Clothing has begun to feel like the puritanical construct that is in so many ways, across so many cultures. I guess it’s the animal side of me longing for my freedom…

Being naked in public felt so vulnerable 30 years ago. I was so afraid of being seen, exposed. In truth, I was calling more attention to myself as the only one in a swimsuit at the time.

Here in California there are many options for nude soaking or swimming. And while some of them have a reputation for being more cruise-y than others, I’ve never gone with the intention of inviting attention. In fact, with the mile-thick wall I’ve always had around myself in such situations, I may as well have had clothing on as far as others were concerned. In that way it felt possible to be naked, without feeling terribly vulnerable.

Being naked can have nothing to do with the choice to wear clothing on or not. Truly being naked is about having our heart exposed; turning our soft underbelly to the light and saying “this is really me”. That is where we are our most naked.

I could be wearing a burka and be far more naked than the dude in the baths at Harbin Hot Springs when what it is that I’m exposing is my essence.

I’ve been getting naked in hot springs and baths since the late 1980s and I’ve never felt fully exposed until a few weeks ago when I walked my talk and shared who I am, really, with my own mother. Finally allowing her in to see who I am, who I’ve been and have hidden since I was a child, felt vastly more vulnerable than I’ve ever felt without clothing in a hot tub.

Exposing the truth of my essence and risking rejection by the person who gave me life felt like that mid-air fall I’ve been terrified of in leaping off of the mythical cliff.

I was prepared for the possibility that she would turn away - as prepared as one could be.

And I knew that I would survive regardless. I have finally come to know that, in truth, I am a lovable and worthy being, independent of the approval of any other person - or the lack of it.

But the potential for rejection by one’s own family can feel like a life or death proposition. Like jumping off of that cliff.

Belonging. Acceptance. Love that is truly unconditional.

These are what we seek to clothe ourselves in. Bottom line is, exposure requires courage. A lot of it.

I did take that leap off of the need-for-maternal-approval cliff. And she met me, midair.

For that, I am so incredibly grateful.

And I knew that I was held, regardless.

Chip Conley was a boutique hotel pioneer in the 1980s when he founded Joie de Vivre, a company that he eventually sold with 50 properties.

Chip created a travel experience that didn’t end when you unlocked the door to your cookie cutter hotel room with it's plastique bedspread and unimaginative design. With his boutique hotels, where are you stayed was as much a part of the adventure as exploring the city you were visiting was.

As someone for whom travel has always been a huge part of living a soulful, creative life, I was a fan of Chip's boutique hotel concepts from the very start. So when I finally met him for the first time a number of years ago it was kind of like a celebrity sighting for me. I know, who geeks out on boutique hotel CEOs? Apparently, I do.

Since founding Joie de Vivre, Chip went on to become the head of Global Hospitality and Strategy for Airbnb and has authored five books. The most recent, called Wisdom at Work, addresses the need for balance in today’s world of relatively inexperienced millennial CEOs with the wisdom of those of us who have circled the sun for a few more decades.

After leaving his full-time gig at AirBnB, Chip created the Modern Elder Academy  designed to give us modern elders a way to recognize and channel our accumulated wisdom and to help us to rediscover a resonance and relevance that many people at our age think is done for.

To this end, he writes a daily blog called the Wisdom Well. Each morning when I read his posts, I’d hear our words echoing each other‘s. It was so validating to know that I wasn’t alone and crazy that I reached out to ask him to share more about his own perspective on wisdom, spirituality, millennials and if and when any of these things might align.

Since I’ve been a bit of a fan girl, I was nervous about sitting down with Chip for this interview. But when I reminded him of that first meeting and the fact that neither of us had a stitch of clothing on at the time, it melted away any nervousness as well as the pedestal I had put him on. We happened to have been in the clothing-optional baths over looking the sea at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur - just in case you were wondering.