Three Generations of Family, How They Overcame Geographical and Cultural Distance Featuring Dr. Henriette Javorek Runte

As families expand and grow older distance and culture can become a great divide. As parents we want our kids to know their grandparents, but sometimes distance makes that hard. It can be difficult for grandparents to relocate after they have built their life, friends, and routines. And then there is culture!

About Dr. J

Dr. Henriette Javorek Runte, aka Dr. J, is a Hungarian - American academic with a Ph. D. in literature. Dr. J was born in Transylvania, but grew up in Texas.

She has worked at universities in France, Germany and the USA, and has been heading Modern Languages at the University of Hamburg since 2008. She is the founder of Éditions Quadylle and publishes under several different pseudonyms, including Anna Molnar, Nira Nabro, Henry Hills, Renée Kerovaj and Henriette Javorek.

Written in honour of her elderly parents, We Fade to Green is a tribute to generations coming together and to spunky grandparents with an attitude.

www.cultureum.com

Instagram page @quadylle

www.AGEUcational.com

 

Full Transcript Below

Three Generations of Family, How They Overcame Geographical and Cultural Distance Featuring Dr. Henriette Javorek Runte

Sun, 9/5 1:40PM • 59:41

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

parents, book, grandparents, character, kids, germany, child, growing, hungarian, podcast, move, kansas, big, grandkids, romania, important, write, grandfather, hungary, older

SPEAKERS

Terry, Dr. J, Roy Barker

 

Roy Barker  00:02

Hello, and welcome to another episode of AGEUcational. I'm your host, Roy,

 

Terry  00:05

I'm Terry

 

Roy Barker  00:06

Of course we are the podcast that brings you our journey through aging, some things that we're finding out also not only from a personal standpoint, but things that we find out, you know, from helping our parents through this process as well as always something new to learn. A lot of times we are pushed to the point of having to learn it in crisis mode. So part of the podcast is to, you know, let's talk about these things. Get them out there, maybe people can make some decisions before. They're actually in crisis mode. We also have guests on from time to time today is no different. Terry, I'm gonna let you introduce her today.

 

Terry  00:44

Dr. Henriette Javorek Runte, aka Dr. J is a Hungarian American academic with a PhD in Literature. Dr. J was born in Transylvania but grew up in Texas. She has worked at universities in France, Germany and in the United States, and has been heading Modern Languages at the University of Hamburg since 2008. She is the founder of Editions Quadylle and publishes under several pseudonyms, including Anna Molnar, Nira Nabrow, and Henry Hills. and Renee Kerovaj, and together wait. I'm sorry, Renee Kerovaj. I'm sorry, I'm stuck on that one. And Henriette Javorek written in honor of her elderly parents We Fade To Green is a tribute to generations coming together and to spunky grandparents with an attitude. For more information, please visit the website coultureum.com or the Instagram page @Quadylle. Dr. J, thank you so much for being here. My pronunciation really well with all those names. Not easy to pronounce. I mean,

 

Roy Barker  02:08

just for our audience's comfort, we will put all that in the show notes as well. So you don't have to try to figure that out all.

 

Terry  02:17

Y'all can figure it out. Well, I'm so happy to have you today. I've been excited to talk to you about We Fade to Green and just your experience your personal experience. Let's start at the at the beginning. I mean, how did you come to where you are today and writing the book? what led up to that?

 

Dr. J  02:42

Well you mentioned a lot of interesting things in the in the in your introduction about your podcast and what it's all about. And I really support you in that i think it's it's so important to share our experiences and not just you know, our experiences through whatever adulthood middle midlife or middle age, but also about growing older and the elderly. And I think that there is a lot to be shared and a lot of a lot to be talked about as well. And you asked me about sort of my background and what brought me to where I am here and now. Well, one of the things that brought me to this and to to my book, since my podcasts etc, is the fact that I'm an only child right? So I'm the only child of immigrant parents so that I think has has always been something that's been very important in my life. It is a it is quite a unique experience right to be the only child and it is of course very important how what happens now so my parents are getting older and how do I can how do I continue being their only child and how do I continue supporting them so that is I guess one of the things that that's that's really special about only children and the fact that all the pressure then is on on them to take care of their parents or or to care for their parents. So for me I grew up in Transylvania, which is part of Romania. It used to be a Heather's there's all sorts of historical details about Pennsylvania but it used to be part of Hungary. Then it was connected to Romania etc. Where my parents were born. It was at that time Hungary but by the time I was born, it was already Romania. My father was the National Olympic weightlifting coach to Romania. And he had and he he had political problems, partly due to being Hungarian partly due to some of his political views about Transylvanian independence. And other issues as well. And he felt the need to leave the country because he felt he was in danger. So he defected in 1982. And my mother and I were left in Romania. And finally were allowed to join him in the US. So he defected to Germany, and then applied for political asylum in the US. And once he was accepted in the US, then my mother and I were allowed to ask to reunify the family. So two and a half years later, in 1984, at the end of 1984, we joined him in Texas in Bryan College Station, he was he was he was a strength coach for the Texas Aggies, he was I was gonna say, did you become an Aggie? I became an Aggie through and through, I love that I love the the college spirits and the campus at all it was it was it was magnificent. And it was great to grew up in Bryan College Station, it was such a nice, small town and and at the same time, you know, sort of cradled between Dallas and Houston. So the big city flare as well. So that my parents moved to Kansas and I went to high school in Kansas and went to k u afterwards, ended up then studying in France all over the place. And you know, as as a fate, we'll have it I I married a German man. So I ended up in Germany. So I'll fast forward a little bit. And so now here I am in Hamburg, Germany, with three children. And the husband and I everything is here, my house, my career, everything. And, you know, it's years later, and my parents who are very, very dear to me, and like I said, this, this only child experience of being so close to your parents and being such a small nuclear family, the immigrant side of it as well being so significant, because it is different, it would be different if my parents still had their high school friends, their college friends, their extended family, in the states with them. But it's different. I'm an only child. And they're my only actual connection. They are they of course, have friends, and they're completely integrated back home in Kansas. But they don't have these roots. Right. So now the family is divided and has been for a while. But it wasn't such an issue when everybody could travel easily. But with growing age, it has become an issue. And now with COVID. Of course, it was a we haven't seen my parents in two years. And that's been absolutely heartbreaking. And you talked about crises well. And the book as well. And then here I have the book, here we go. I promised Terry, I'd show it exactly where I actually wrote the book, in an attempt to try to convince my parents to move in with us in Germany. And I was trying to avoid a crisis, right. And so I started writing the book before COVID was discovered. And, and but unfortunately, COVID that hits and we were in this in this crisis, or our I guess, still in this crisis, where we were just separated from my parents for two years. So I do think it would have been important to have thought about it even beforehand, and I wish we had even come up with a better solution. So

 

Terry  08:53

Are your parents. May I ask, What age? Are they?

 

Dr. J  08:57

Are they in their 80s 70s? Parents are late late 77 or 78. Okay,

 

Terry  09:04

so do you think that they're they want to stay in Kansas? Because that's, that's their home? And that's where they want to retire and stay for forever? Or do they not want to come to Germany because of their history? with, you know, co Ed be closer to Transylvania and all of that. I mean, that's not an issue anymore, but maybe. I don't know what I mean. They don't want to leave their home. like,

 

Dr. J  09:41

Well, isn't that isn't that so the big question about growing older, right? I mean, I think the decisions the decisions you make in your 50s 60s, maybe even early 70s might be slightly different from the decisions you're gonna make in your late 70s 80s, etc. And I think a lot of it is based on health and strength and sort of the things that you're still able to do this things you'd still like to do. Yeah, no, it's it's, it's it's an ever changing dynamic, I think my parents who are very, very integrated and very much at home in Kansas. In fact, I conducted an interview with my mother, before COVID broke out, so two years ago, and I'm going to air that on my podcast in a couple months. Because it's so interesting, because it was before COVID. And it's, and she says, sort of, you know, I'm, we're so happy here. And that's, that's what I mean, you can't predict what's going to happen. And so when there is something when there is a crisis, like Roy said, then then it becomes that it becomes more urgent, and we haven't been able to travel so so of course, then it's a it's another question and sort of With this knowledge, right, of having experienced this for the past two years, then it becomes a different question again, do you want to be separated? Do you want to sort of continue, quote, unquote, risking it, you know, sort of long term and then again, guess some of your listeners are not going to have this comp, extra complication of having this immigration issue? Be a question as well. But right, so So I think the moving closer together, as a, as a family, as a nuclear family, is easier for my parents to move here. And I hope they I hope they will, I think it'd be, it'd be really nice. But they don't speak German. And that's, that's, of course, a consideration. So and if they if they moved to Hungary, then then it's still an hour and a half flight away. So. So it's not it's not that easy, either. But, but that's one of the things that I tried to do with the book. For those who are considering I mean, I, I'm a big advocate of three generations living together, I really, I really think that's, that's where life makes sense. You know, sort of where the the grandparents and the parents and their grandkids they, they're living together, bringing enriching each other's lives, helping each other. When I speak about moving together with my parents, it's not just that, that I want to help them, I think they would be immensely helpful to us. And it's not always just, you know, it's not always these these technical things are these specific things. It's not only about cleaning, cooking, making money or doing homework with the kids, it's, it's the emotional support, it's listening, it's being there, it says it just goes way beyond that. And that's one of the things that the book really tries to tries to show is that, at the so so right, and in the book, I tried to kind of twist the situation around because I wanted to be free and I didn't want it to be completely autobiographical. So So I have the daughter living in the US with her with her three kids and and her husband and the grandparents living in Transylvania still, so I just kind of turned it around. And and so the parents are supposed to be 80 years old or so and they can't make they they just can't get get get along by themselves anymore. So they decided to move to the US to live with their daughter. And, and it was important for me to talk about language issues, cultural issues, generational issues. And so they face all this in you know, still in a humorous way, because they're the audience or the reader is allowed to be removed from it. It's a bit of a fairy tale, it's still kind of like the characters are somewhat exaggerated. And so it's not as dramatic as it would be in in quote, unquote, real life. And the they face all the difficulties and everything goes wrong at the beginning of the book. And then they learn to come together, they learn to listen to each other, they learn to value each other's gifts, and each other's opinions, even if even if they disagree. There are for example, scenes where the grandfather, the APU character, has very different political views from his son in law. And so they, they agree to sort of talk but but that's the thing that that's The key they agree to talk about these things to a certain point, and when they can't anymore, they just kind of go and run it off. Right. And they continue trying to convince each other, they continue trying to speak to each other. Or, for example, the again, the apple character does these funny things like he goes to get the newspaper in his underwear. And so the homeowners association has had some problems with this. So they, so they're too They, they, they decide to reach a compromise. So instead of going in his underwear, he gets himself seven pairs of swim shorts, that he different colors from shorts. And so he goes and hits some shorts and gets the newspaper and those every morning. I don't know if that's, that's an actual suggestion. But I think the lesson out of it is, is sort of trying and continuing and communicating and keeping keeping it up. So

 

Roy Barker  16:07

that's interesting. And one thing I was just gonna even back up to the very beginning is I think they're special challenges for for being an only child. But then being an only child and distance, it just compounds that I'm sure.

 

Dr. J  16:25

Absolutely, absolutely. And I, at the same time, I mean, yes, absolutely, I think the relationship is a lot more possibly intense, you know, also growing up, the separation already, when you go off to college, when I went off to college is also a lot more difficult. And keep in mind that sort of my children are my parents only grandchildren as well. So it's not just it's not just me, but there's there are no other little critters running around either. So it's it's This is it. At the same time, I think that no matter what family you come from the family dynamic is always difficult, whether your two or three or four or here are there, there is always everybody's own little life is difficult to him or her so so this is just mine.

 

Terry  17:19

I think it's awesome that you've been able to intertwine that and to everything, it seems that you're doing your life's work, you know, and, and have kind of come to, you know, the part about getting them trying to convince them to come here that everybody wins. I mean, it's not just a decision that they can make, unilaterally, it's, it's something for everybody, because you are the only child and you have their only grandchildren. And if if they're going to be able to be a part of that which you want desperately for them to be so they can learn from, from their grandparents, their heritage, and, and all of the old stories of them growing up and just all of that is so important. And oh, gosh, you know, I I plot applaud you for trying to take on this huge, I mean, what else can you do? You're You're the only one.

 

Dr. J  18:23

And I think that's really sort of important. This this oral history, you know, that that we that we communicate by just talking to each other by sharing our each other's families is something that we shouldn't lose. In the book, for example, the grandmother and the grandfather love to tell stories, and they, they get in trouble with their stories. I won't tell you how people read the book, but so they you know, but But again, it's a generational and cultural gap. And again, it doesn't matter. So so so let people get in trouble. I think it's okay. And so so so the grandfather gets himself into these little stories, and he tells the kids things that maybe the parents wouldn't have wanted him to say and, and it it becomes a conflict but um but there's, there's a, I won't tell you about this part, because I really hope you'll read it. But there is at the end of book one at the end of the first part, all three kids get into just just massive amounts of trouble partly because of the grandfather and grandmother and the stories that they've been telling him and, and the messages and sort of the things that they've been encouraging them to do. But again, it's it's this this influence is not negative. It's just an influence. There is no there is not this, this this pointing and blaming it is just the process of growing up. And and it's the process of the grandparents also Learning to really know, their, their, their grandkids, I think sometimes we expect, well, whether whether it's grandparents and parents and kids or parents and kids, we often expect to sort of know each other just because we're the same genetic material or a genetic background. But it takes time people have to spend time, just spend time together. So, so that's, you know, some sort of, it's the same thing that the grandparents can't possibly know, what their their grandchildren, how their grandchildren are going to react or what, what they shouldn't tell their grandchildren because of this, or that unless they do spend time unless they actually experience each other. So. So that's, that's also I think, one of the one of the messages.

 

Terry  20:53

Yeah, and well, and with my mean, with my set, I have three siblings. And it's funny how I didn't realize that I was doing it. As far as I wasn't really setting any rules for my parents to not share certain things. I mean, I want them to share everything they can with my kids. So my kids knew who they were and where they came from, and, and all their stories. I mean, there's, you know, older people tell the best, they're the best education that we have. There's just no ifs, ands or buts about it, you can just learn so much from them. And it just kind of seems like, you know, when at when everybody started, all the kids in my family started having kids, and they got older, all of these not, there weren't rules set, but it's like, Okay, this is kind of not what we do today. This is what's happening now. And that's what happened then. And let's see how we can just, you know, put them together and co be cohesive and not cross any lines and make each other mad. And that's not, that's not what they were trying to do. They weren't trying to make anybody mad. And they didn't think there was anything, I can't even give you an example. It just seemed like there were some kind of rules, but not really.

 

Dr. J  22:23

Two examples from we fade to green are the cursing, banking. So yes, okay. For example, the Oppo character loves the curse, and he's just has a potty mouth in English and in Hungarian, he's just going around cursing around and and, and of course, the father character does not appreciate this and doesn't want the children to repeat any of these words, and the kids are shocked and at the same time excited. And so this is also something where they they reach a compromise where he's going to be allowed to curse in Hungarian but not in English.

 

Terry  23:01

Wow. And then they learn the language that way. That's kind of how I did it. When we were when I was little, my dad was in the service, and we were in Germany and Belgium. So, you know, that's what I was a little kid, you know, up till 12. And that's what I remember all the curse words. Like and speak all those languages? Well, it's I mean, but you learn the pronunciation with it. Whatever it takes.

 

Dr. J  23:29

And, you know, the the issue of of spanking, for example, I think that's also something that cultures disagree on, and generations definitely disagree on. And, for example, the apple character in the book, he always calls it beatings. And so everybody kind of cringes around. And he sort of says, My father used to beat me, and then they're like, no, good. And so so it's just I think that some of these issues are really serious. And, and I think if we talk about them seriously, if we talk about child abuse, that all of a sudden, it's just it just takes on a completely different dimension, then it's like a political issue, it becomes very, very serious and very, very dramatic and very important. And in the book, it's still this little fairy tale, this little alternate universe, you know, of these Transylvanian grandparents. And so you can talk about some of these issues with a lot, a lot, a lot more lightheartedly. And sort of, you know, it becomes it becomes very clear that sort of what the grandfather means is sort of like a little tap on the button and not in not in any way, or shape or form any beating or anything like that. And this kind of being discussed in the book as well, sort of what is meant by that and what is important and so, I think that's also something that that's that's that's, I think sometimes we shy away I'm speaking about these things, because it's very difficult to speak about it. So.

 

Roy Barker  25:05

So how, how long have you been separated? Or how, I guess? How long is this dialogue been going on? Because what I'm wondering about is the change over time, because I can just imagine how the conversation goes, is when your parents were younger, you know, maybe in their 50s or 60s? Yeah, yeah, we're gonna, you know, we're going to retire and get around to, yeah, we'll come over. And then, you know, as you grow older, it's like those things that you thought you might want to do. You become where it's like, I don't really not really going to do that. I'm just wondering, did that dynamic change for y'all, you know, over the last 10 years or so?

 

Dr. J  25:50

Well, sure, I mean, like I said, it's, we used to be able to travel a lot more so. So it was it was easier for my parents to come once or twice a year. And for us to go back. And, and so or for us to meet somewhere, so so they were a lot more mobile in that sense. I mean, like I said, the biggest thing that happened was COVID, that everything was was shut down. So

 

Roy Barker  26:13

well, maybe I can rephrase that maybe prior to COVID. Did you want them to still was the thought that they would come move over there even before COVID? And then I just wondered with them aging, you know, did that play a part in? Maybe them becoming more resistance as they went through time now? I'm just thinking about me. It's like, Okay, next, somebody says, Let's go out the next Friday. And today is Saturday or Sunday, you're like, yeah, that really sounds good. But then as you go through the week, and things pile up, and this goes wrong, and then all of a sudden, like Thursday night, you're like, Oh, I just don't think I can go do that. So I guess I'm kind of wondering, does that you know, where your parents? Was there even talk about the movement? Maybe that's where we should start? Was there even talk about them moving? To be closer to y'all, you know, pre pandemic, like five or 10 years ago?

 

Dr. J  27:12

It's always been discussed. Sorry. So the idea of us living together was always the plan has always been the plan. Okay, so when we bought our house as well, that's that was a huge consideration. So there's a whole little weighing that's that's basically their that's their, that's their little weighing. So they can move in anytime again. Listening, they can, they

 

Roy Barker  27:41

should think about surrogate grandparents. And

 

Dr. J  27:45

so, yeah, so. But, but it does change, you know, I mean, it does, it does kind of continue to change. So, so then it's been kind of like an up and down, you know, when the when the kids were born, and then it's like, they were they were going to move over right away. And and, but I have to say that we've done our share of of complicating it a little bit too, because, you know, we've been over there and we've been back. So so it's kind of it's kind of difficult to know. Okay. But but absolutely. For me, I think I really hope that just like in the book, there is there is utopia is possible, I think our own little utopia, our own version of utopia. And that's what's you know, sort of depicted at the end of the book, the family does come together, in fact, the whole community comes together. So it's not just it's not just the example of this one family, but the families around them also kind of take the example and it kind of trickles trickles down, and then it expands to the entire community. So so I think that that is something that that we are quite capable of doing. I think we are capable of speaking to each other and, and continuing to try to reach each other across generations across cultures, Across Ages across. So across countries. So yeah, that's

 

Terry  29:24

so have your parents have they been healthy so far? I mean, pretty healthy. Up till now.

 

Dr. J  29:32

Their health they can they manage on their own? Sure.

 

Terry  29:35

So doing it now would be much better than waiting until some kind of crisis happened. I mean, yeah, I

 

Dr. J  29:44

don't know. I mean, who knows? Yes, sure. I would think so. Yes, but again, I'm thinking of friends of ours where the grandparents moved in with them. Much later. Once one They had absolutely no no other choice. Maybe that's an easier event. So, I don't know, I don't think there's a formula, I don't think that you can just say, when is the right time? I think it just kind of, you know, when when do you get married? If you get married? When do you have kids? If you have kids? And when do you move in with your kids, if you move in with your kids, so I don't I don't know. I mean, it's,

 

Roy Barker  30:24

yeah, and then, you know, like, we encourage people, especially what's you know, bigger life decisions is, you know, think about, if tomorrow never comes, it's like, you kind of have to think about and also to, if you if you become too sick, or to the immobile, whatever it may be, but, you know, then you really can't enjoy that time. And, you know, we've kind of gone through that with, with my parents that it's like, downsizing, and getting into a more manageable place where they don't feel the burden of this house that they were in, and, you know, try to get some help with some things around the house to try to enjoy that life. And it's like, none on we're, you know, we don't need that we're just gonna keep on. But the problem is what you know, and I've done some work in the in that senior space is that you know, you, you get to a while where you think you're gonna do it tomorrow, and then all of a sudden, something happens. And then you don't ever get to enjoy that. So I just always encourage people to really think about that, that, you know, we're never promised tomorrow. So if there's something like that, that we really want to do, it's totally What is it now? There's never a better time than now sometimes. Yeah.

 

Terry  31:38

Now, we're never Yeah, that's terrible.

 

Dr. J  31:44

I yeah, I think. I don't know. I mean, something sometimes people are held back by by their fears, or by their I don't know, I think a lot of times, I think a lot of times, especially grandparents, they they they hold back, I think they don't want to be a burden sometimes as well, or I think sometimes they don't want to, or they're kind of afraid of how it'll go and the unknown. I wonder if it's also like giving us some freedom. I mean, it is it is difficult to live together. You know, I think I think having to compromise with people on the way you live and the way you do things, the way you get up and eat and it's difficult. And

 

Terry  32:35

yeah, well, they're trying to mesh it all together. Oh, my gosh, it's insane. Like me, I

 

Roy Barker  32:39

just do what I'm told there's no compromise necessary. Oh, yeah. That was sarcastic.

 

Dr. J  32:52

But I guess it is a choice, isn't it? I mean, it is a choice to sort of, do it exactly the way you want to, or, you know, or compromise. I mean,

 

Roy Barker  33:04

well, sometimes it's not that easy. Because, you know, if you've been on your own for 70, like your parents 7078 years, that's a can be a big change to make. But I, I'm an optimist, and I always think if it's something that everybody really wants to do, you know, they all can find a way. But again, then sometimes at a later age, you know, like, it's hard for us to change our, it's harder to change habits, you know, I don't, we don't necessarily want to, it's like, you know, there's certain things like getting up in the morning setting in my coffee and having a little quiet space to, you know, sit there and drink coffee for a few minutes. And that's not something I'm willing to give up. You know, that's all there. I guess I just meant there are things that you know, our little habits are these little things that we do that we think, well how would that be affected by you know, something that we're fixing change? So it's

 

Terry  34:01

everybody has to everybody has to compromise? I mean, it's not you know, it's all of it the whole the whole thing and then you know, a you know a lot about different cultures and in the States, you know, it just doesn't seem like it just doesn't seem like we risk not intent not that we disrespect our elders, but it seems like they go to they go to homes, you know, just they get older. They just go to homes, they don't move in necessarily with family members, or if they do they're kind of moved around. And, and then Asian cultures, it seems like that's just a given. They're just gonna do it. So I mean, what what is the Hungarian culture you know, your your, your father and then you injure your hand. Spend I mean what about his folks? How does it differ?

 

Dr. J  35:06

So it's funny because that's how the book starts out right so so there's this announcement that the grandparents are gonna move in because they can't they can't make it on their own anymore. And the father figures says well why don't they go to a retirement home? Yes, father figure says well you don't understand where Hungarians you don't understand you don't do that. And and then she she goes into house sort of where the grandparents that Nadia and opal characters are from there are no retirement homes. So now that's not entirely true for Hungary there are retirement facilities and assisted living facilities and in Hungary as well. Culturally, I would say it is more common for the for the grandparents to move in with their children or to have an apartment very nearby you know, so a small apartment nearby but I mean that I think I would never say that that's not an option sort of retirement homes I think there are there are really great retirement facilities and I think for Sam, that's that's a perfect choice i i think it can bring a lot to you know, to have these activities and to be in this and then in this other community I think that everybody has to decide for him or herself what what is right you know, but but certainly I think I really think there's there's a lot to be had from from the three generations living together. In Germany it's it's very much like in the US so so it is quite common for for the elderly to buy into a retirement facility early enough to where they they make this decision and decide to move in to this retirement facility. But again, I think there's there's a lot to be had, I think there's a lot of fun to be had from from three generations living together and, and sharing. And I'm thinking of another scene in the book where the grandmother the nahji character is very worried about being a burden on the on her daughter and her daughter's just not sleeping and working to match that she's already overwhelmed by the three kids in her job and everything. And so so the nahji character the grandma character at some point sort of becomes this this very strong instead of very like, like a superhero, and she takes on taking the Nerf gun have one of her grandkids and patrolling the house with this Nerf gun whenever the mom so her daughter is is taking a nap and so so she just sort of doesn't let anybody make any noise or anybody come near the bedroom where her daughter so the the mom is is napping, and I think it was just I was just sort of trying to think of a cute way that that the grandma character could still protect her daughter you know, and I think I think there are these things, these little things these little gestures as well. The love we get from each other the support we get from each other. It goes beyond just like I said goes beyond the cooking and the cleaning and the money and the whatever it it's these little things it's protecting each other with a nerf or I don't know there's there's another scene for example, where the grandpa character is always having tea with the little girl with the little with it with his granddaughter. And she ends up putting little berets in his hair and dressing him up and and he just kind of, you know, he just thinks that it's so great that she does this and just kind of goes shopping with his berets and everything. So even things like that, you know, sort of playing with kids having the time to sort of do silly things with each other I

 

Terry  39:10

think also that is just so valuable and they've earned the right to spoil their grandkids or just spoil them and give them back if if that's the case, but that's so so we fade to green came when did when did it publish when did it release

 

Dr. J  39:31

in 2020 and in December, I believe 2020 but I was I've been right I was writing it for Oh my goodness. I mean you know I have three kids and I teach all these things take me a while I think about three years, three and a half years so it was just on and off. And it was it was written actually together with the kids. So whenever we were on vacation, I would always get up in the morning around seven and you know my the rest of my family slept till now. I would always write from seven to about nine so on, you know, when we'd be off for a week here a week there, and in the morning or breakfast ritual was always that I'd read them the chapter I just written. So then they would say, Well, is there Grandma, you know, is that is that they call my grandma, my mom, Nana. So they call her Nana, is that Nana? Or is that Tata? And why is he do this instead of they try to find themselves in the characters. There's the I don't do that. But it was, it was a great way for me to write it. And again, it's just something. There's a lot of Hungarian history, for example, in the book as well. things that I've learned from my parents things that my parents have tried to teach my kids, but not know not everything's come through. So it's also this book was was it was a way to bring the three generations together again, and I didn't want to write it completely just by myself. So so you know, the kids were involved. My husband was involved. It was kind of a back and forth. My parents did not see it until it was finished. I

 

Terry  41:13

didn't I didn't I didn't want them to sketch what I wanted to ask if they have they read it and what your notes been to you.

 

Dr. J  41:21

So that's interesting. Yeah, that's very interesting. So my mom was very much bothered by this kind of slightly autobiographical, but not completely autobiographical. And she's like, what's the What am I a witch in this or What are you writing here and and I've never done that or I don't ever so in my father's I don't get the paper in my underwear. I mean, what is this? So so they were a little bit bothered by the you know, by my by my by the artistic liberties with with the characters and so for the record for their friends, or whoever's reading these books is not this is not my parents, they're not loosely based, loosely based. And, but yeah, they they love that. I mean, also once they once they realize that it was somewhat tongue in cheek and that there was supposed to be it's like a fairy tale. So So once they once they kind of, you know, you get to the first or second the third fourth chapter where once you get that then then you're in it and can can roll with it so

 

Terry  42:39

well and so and when they come not if they come when they come to Germany, you'll have to buy an arsenal of nerf paraphernalia. I mean, you can shoot anything with a Nerf gun.

 

Dr. J  42:55

But you know that that's something I mean, my mom was always very serious when I was growing up and very academic and very sort of strict and and things like that. And that's that's also interesting. With with her grandkids, she's an absolute goofball. And you know, already before she was rolling around on the ground and shooting nerves, and so that is somewhat based on her so she's never patrolled the house with a nerf, but she's shot nerves with her grandson, and

 

Terry  43:26

then she's ready to do it now,

 

Dr. J  43:27

maybe? Yes, I think that's that's also, that's also great, you know, sort of to have a second chance to raise kids or a second second, you know, second turn to influence kids. So, yeah,

 

Roy Barker  43:42

well,

 

Dr. J  43:43

Carrie, just just real quick, it's our turn to come. We're coming to, we're coming to the states in October and most thing for four months, and it is to live with my parents to make sure that they're okay. Partly to convince them you know, maybe I'll read the book out loud. Did you hear that? Did you hear how wonderful it could be? You know, sort of, did you hear what you do? So we're gonna, we're gonna stay with them for four months, and then we're coming back and kind of hoping that afterwards they might, they might come join us. So

 

Roy Barker  44:21

no, that's just gonna say it's, if you've never experienced it, it's it's such a joy because as I was growing up, you know, my we kind of lived in the country. My grandparents used to love to come out there and garden. And so, you know, and they would take us on vacation. So we were very close when I was a child. And then unfortunately, my grandfather passed, you know, before before my 20s but when I got married, had kids, my grandmother, she was very involved with our life like she would come out. She didn't live there. But you know, she probably stayed four or five nights out of the week, generally depending on what was going on. She still felt like she needed to keep her house it was across town. So it wasn't a you know, like International. But having my kids grow up with her. It's, it was priceless. It was just priceless. You know, and she spoiled them. And that was, you know, I think that was the only No, probably the only not tense, but the only part where we had to have a conversation every now and then is like, you know, she'd be like, Oh, you're being too hard on them, and you need to let it out. Like, okay, but you know, they've got to have you can be in the grand, great grandma and do whatever. But you know, we still have to get homework done and, you know, follow the rules. But it was, was unbelievable, really.

 

Dr. J  45:42

In real life, our issues ice cream, you know, sort of my parents think that they should have ice cream three times a day. Yeah, right there. That's our biggest in real life. That's our that's our biggest sort of conflict. You know, where I'm like, Well, yeah, I'm more sort of, you know, once a week as ice cream is okay. But then there was three times a day, so

 

Roy Barker  46:08

I think my grandparents were all like that, too. That's why I'm, that's why I love ice cream. I could eat it at every meal.

 

Terry  46:13

Yeah, and homemade homemade ice cream growing up. You know, Nana, Nana had a big old garden that pop off tended to with his cows and all that. And you know, we'd go down and stay with them in Texas.

 

Dr. J  46:28

I mean, one of the things we're looking forward to going to my parents house, they have a big vegetable garden. So we're looking forward to, you know, pulling out the onions and picking the fruit. And they've peppers and every I mean, it's it's really they have a huge vegetable garden. So yeah,

 

Roy Barker  46:47

yeah. And it's, you know, the value, I think is, is history. You know, my kids got to learn it firsthand, they could ask questions, I got to know how she grew up. I mean, it, it's interesting, we're not that far removed, that, you know, she grew up in a little bitty brick town not far from here that, you know, they had dirt floors. And, you know, for my kids to really understand where she came from. And then when we cleaned out her garage, you know, she had glass jars and pie tins that were, you know, kind of thin coming through the war, World War Two. And so she had these huge stockpiles of things, but it was easier for them to understand after a while that, you know, the way she grew up, and then come in through the war, you know, why all that so it. But the other thing I was just gonna make is if, if you're not in a position to be that close, and live that close with our tools that we have the day audio video, make some recordings. I mean, you may not care much about it today. But I think in some point in the future learning and knowing the history, inherited from that person themself, it will make a big impact.

 

Terry  47:58

Yeah, and FaceTime. And

 

Dr. J  48:01

you know, one of the things that my father has has done, he did it in my late 20s. And now he's redoing it. I've always he's saying, see, the beautiful singing voice means getting older, but and there are all these Hungarian folk songs that he sings beautifully. And in my 20s, he made a video for me back then he could still play the violin well, so he was also playing it on the viola nice, made a video for me, and it's, you know, it's one of these VHS tapes, and it's gotten old. And so now he's actually taking the time to re record it. And that's just, that's just such an amazing present for my children as well. to, to hear it and to see it and you know, and maybe they're even too small, maybe, you know, sort of but what you're saying another 10 years, it's, it's, it's even even more valuable. So I think absolutely things like that, or, you know, I did these two podcasts interviews, I did an interview with my mom and an interview with my dad. And that's also something that's just like stays these these these, these digital means of preserving some of our loved ones is also sort of still

 

Terry  49:15

Yeah. That's awesome.

 

Roy Barker  49:18

Well, that's very cool. Thank you so much for taking time to come share about fading to green. I mean, it's such an awesome story, and I think it can resonate. I think you're in an extreme position. But I think even with people that have this issue locally, or maybe even just across the states, not International, I think they'll be able to, you know, gain a lot from this. Oh, yes.

 

Dr. J  49:42

Thank you. Thank you for letting me tell my little story. I really enjoyed it. We had a little pre interview. We talked once before this interview. I already enjoyed that. And I enjoyed this now as well. So we'll have to keep in touch and share stories as well

 

Terry  49:58

as we hope Hopefully, you'll be able to tell us when they're coming and moving in and how that that has happened. That's right.

 

Roy Barker  50:07

You never know they may get you over here and make you do you can't refuse for y'all move on.

 

Dr. J  50:13

Moving back to Kansas, you never know. I mean, there is no place like home, you know? Really?

 

Terry  50:19

And coming when you I mean, October for four months. You're right. You're right there in the winter, but it will be nothing. I mean, Germany is cold. Oh, it's

 

Dr. J  50:30

not. Well, Kansas gets more snow than Germany's colder. Yeah. Okay. hotter and colder. So but, but Kansas has beautiful for season. So fall in Kansas is absolutely absolutely lovely. So cool.

 

Roy Barker  50:44

Maybe we can get together when you get out. If you get down the ground, the Dallas area will have to,

 

Dr. J  50:50

you know, don't I think I will be after Thanksgiving. I still have my best friend and in Dallas in Dallas, Texas. So actually, I have three good friends. But so oh my goodness, now. They're all they'll each think they're my best friend. So Oh, y'all three are my best friend. But I'll be visiting them with the kids. And so you have better get a hold of us. Well, I will and we might be doing a couple readings. So depending on how COVID allows him so but I will definitely let you know. So we might we fade as well. So yeah,

 

Roy Barker  51:24

I'm not gonna put you on the spot on camera. But if we are getting public, I'm definitely gonna have to figure out this. Why you chose Kansas over Hmm. Oh,

 

Terry  51:34

I know. When I get to the Midwest. I mean, I spent time in Nebraska. That's where I went to high school and junior high and a little bit of college had. But Nebraska isn't all of that.

 

Dr. J  51:49

I can answer you. I can answer your very, very easily. And actually, it's it's, you know, my dad was a National Olympic weightlifting coach. So he was a weightlifter. And he was a strength coach for the Aggies. So it was mainly football, right. And he was always looking for I mean, he's he's more of a strength coach general. So he in Kansas, he got a position to be an all sports conditioning coach. So it was basically with his job. And so

 

Terry  52:17

yeah, and that's where you went to ended up going to high school as well.

 

Dr. J  52:20

That's what I ended up going to high school. And then I went to college and Kansas for the night that I started going to Europe to do semesters and programs there. So

 

Roy Barker  52:31

Alright, well, I guess I don't have to be. Alright, well tell everybody where they can reach out, get a hold of the book, your website where they can reach out and contact you to

 

Terry  52:44

podcast as well. Excuse me.

 

Dr. J  52:48

But the podcast the podcast is interesting, culturally. So it's called Language and Culture with Dr. J. And it's in five languages. Mainly it most of the episodes are in English, but it's also in French and Spanish, and German and Hungarian. So there are a few episodes in those as well. But everything's always I always either do a translation in English or i or i do an entire episode then also in English. So so all the episodes are available in English. And that's available on Spotify and Apple podcasts, Google podcasts, or on the website cultureum.com. No, I can't even see I have to see it in front of me like c u l t u r e u m .com. There you go. And right, so that's the that's the podcast and then there's the books. And you know, we're not known authors. So by the way the by kids right as well. So cultureum.com sorry, Quadylle. It's also because quad so it's the four of us. So it's me the free kids. That's why the name but they have their little books. My daughter just published a book called Luna's Little Animals Say I Love You. And she read it through COVID and drew these little animal figures in love animal couples in love. And my son has a book out that's called The Piggy Bank And The Gold coin and it's it's a great book for dads talk about family. So the little one of course, had to write a book because her her siblings, I did an interview with her and I asked her sort of why'd you write a book and she said well, because my brother and sister that it can be left out. What do you mean? and hers is called Magical Easter Eggs and it's all about a family being down on their luck and then having a little bit of Easter magic. Help them out. So I'm so because we're not known authors, the best thing to do if you want to buy or Books is to get on our Instagram page because there the books are all linked to, to Amazon. So it's the easiest way to find us. And that's at quadrilles. So Quadylle. The books are also linked on the call today on CULTUREUM.com website as well. So that's the best way to find us. Okay,

 

Roy Barker  55:29

yeah, we'll include all those in the show notes. for everybody to follow that. All right. Well, thanks again for your time. We appreciate it's been a great talk. And that's gonna do it for another episode of AGEUcational of course, I am Roy. I'm Terry. And we you can find us of course, at www.ageucation.com. We're on all the major podcast platforms, iTunes, Stitcher, Google Spotify, we're not a one that you listen to, if you'll reach out, I'd be glad to get it added to make your listing easier. Use me, we're also on all the major podcast platforms, excuse me on all the major social media platforms, we probably tend to hang it on Instagram more than others. We'd love to interact with you there as well. A video of this interview will go live when the episode goes live. So check out our YouTube channel, as well as some of our past guests. Until next time,

 

Terry  56:22

I'll see you in a second I'm thought of something. Okay, what about What about her? What our wrap up question?

 

Roy Barker  56:30

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. That's fine. So what is a tool or a habit that you use during your daily life? That adds value? It could be professional or personal, just something that you feel very strongly about? And

 

Dr. J  56:48

what what what direction? Are you? Are you looking?

 

Roy Barker  56:52

Sometimes it's like maybe journaling or exercise or meditation, like somebody has a cool meditation app, just you know, anything like that.

 

Dr. J  57:01

Okay. So you asked me how at the very beginning, the very first question you asked was, how did I start doing this. And so I don't know if you read anything in my bio, but I had cancer about six years ago, and five, five and a half years ago, and I lost my voice in the process of treatments, and etc. And that's that's kind of how it all started. That's how it all started with the podcasts and the books just kind of, you know, wanting to have my voice be heard. And with that, one of the things that I that I learned to do was and i think that's that's also really important. I was kind of divided, you know, I was always divided my job, my kids, my husband, my parents, the house that we had a dog then as well, and just kind of learning to take a little bit of time for myself and allowing myself to have some of that attention, be it for my podcast or for my books. And in order to get that energy. One of the things that I'm really big on is exercise, okay, I really try to exercise every single day, if I know I'm going to have a really, really busy day, I actually try to do 10 minutes before my day starts. Just to feel like I got my body moving. And then I also tried to practice Sophrology. I don't know if you It's Sophrology is a kind of meditation and relaxation technique. And basically, and I'm being very sort of basic, very sort of beno here, my description, but basically, we take each body part and think visualize each body parts and try to see it, try to let it relax, try to sort of fill it with positivity, and then ground yourself at your feet.

 

Roy Barker  58:55

Okay, interesting. Check that out.

 

Dr. J  58:58

Yeah, Sophrology and Dr. Qi Sao who, who started it, and it kind of combines a lot of different techniques. Okay, it just kind of works for me.

 

Roy Barker  59:12

Check that out. Yeah. Yeah, we're always looking for other things to kind of help us wind down and relax. So that sounds great. All right. Well, thanks a lot. We appreciate it again. And I guess we've done the wrap up. So we'll just say our goodbyes and we look forward to seeing you later in the year. Absolutely. Thank you so much. Thanks. Thank you all for listening to

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