Thrive Beyond Pornography

4 key skills that you can use to help your kids navigate pornography in their lives.

https://zachspafford.securechkout.com/Membership

Recently I was discussing a specific commitment with my client that his wife was expecting from him. 

One of the skills that I teach my clients is to bring their urge responses from a place of unconscious habit to a place of choice and planning.  

As my client was working through this with his spouse one of the things she asked was that he not look at pornography while she is in the house. 

He committed to that with her and immediately broke his word.

His desire to be “good” for his wife was pretty strong and I think a lot of us do things like this.  

We commit to things because we want to, we think doing so will help our spouse feel better, and it doesn’t seem like a huge ask and we should be willing to do what we’ve been asked. 

This particular commitment is one that I think comes up pretty often as men and women work through their discussions about pornography in their lives.

Seems simple, she says, Please don’t look at pornography while I’m in the house.  Or please don’t look at pornography while the kids are in the house. 

Most men want to acquiesce to this request.  We don’t even really want to be viewing pornography to manage our lives anyway, so why wouldn’t we say yes to this?

For a lot of us, this boundary is hard and fast and should never move.  

So, let’s discuss it. 

There are a couple of things that you and your partner need to be clear about and understand when you make commitments.  

Is it realistic?

Is it going to produce the results we want?

Let’s start with that first question. 

Is it realistic to ask your spouse to never look at pornography in your home?

From a statistical perspective, americans spend 70% of our time at home.  

This means that at home is the most likely place that pornography is being accessed.  

Darcy – a subtle way to Control his behavior - If the result you are looking for is to restrict pornography 

It is also a little scary to think he’ll be out, somewhere, looking at pornography.  Which creates a possibility that he could have an interaction with police because he’s looking at porn in public and create some additional issues. 

Darcy – telling him to take his biggest struggle out of the home

Is it going to produce the results we want?

Darcy – whats the result

Many times this is a subtle way to reduce 

if the result you are looking for is to restrict pornography use, then I would say no – if it were that simple then this wouldn’t be a problem. 

I think a lot of people are looking to rebuild trust in their relationships and this seems like one of the things that seems like it should be easy enough to do and totally a good idea, but I think it creates a situation where failure is inevitable.  

The client I was working with was really struggling with this because he wanted to do what his wife was asking but also, basically knew that he was going to fail. 

One thing that his wife has said is more important than if he looks at pornography is if he is honest with her.  

This is a tough moment because it is clear that he can’t really be honest with her and commit to this requirement. 

So, it’s important for each of us to be clear on what we are committing to.  For this client he needed have a candid conversation with his wife and tell her that this is not something that he can commit to at this point.  

This candid honest is really difficult for both parties.  But it is essential because the intimacy that we want requires us to know our partner.  

When we know our partner and are able to hear their reality and can accept them as they are we create intimacy.  

So, is telling our partner that they aren’t allowed to experience their struggle in the home really creating the result we want?

This is a lot like when we are dealing with our kids, this example comes up for me, when we tell our kids that we’re never going to buy them toys again because we’re frustrated that they aren’t cleaning up after themselves.  

It’s really important that we take the moment to discuss the boundary and be honest about whether it is possible.  

And also, whether one of us is putting ourselves in a one up position to be in charge of the situation. 

It is really important in a boundary conversation that we be clear that we are on equal footing in a marriage relationship.  

I think with kids its different, “if you look at pornography in my home, I won’t provide you internet access.” Which is different from saying that to a spouse. 

New lives begins at conception. 

*

Nothing I’ve ever done in my life that has been worth it was an accident. 

*

Yet so many of us believe that we can just fall into a life where pornography no longer has a hold on us. 

*

One of the most important things that a man or woman who is using pornography to escape can do is just begin to think about what their life will be like without pornography. 

*

This new conception of the life they want is a simple, impactful stepping stone to becoming that person. 

*

Once that life begins to formulate in your mind, only then will you have the capacity to believe in it. 

*

Belief in this new idea of who you are won’t be easy at first.  

*

You’ll need to practice it, play with it in your mind, and work to integrate that belief in who you are into the subtle soul of your identity. 

*

As you believe in you, believe in your new vision, the concept of a person who doesn’t spend their time viewing pornography, you’ll begin to start achieving it. 

*

Many people make the mistake of thinking that achieving will lead to belief, but that is the wrong way around. 

*

You know this if you’ve ever watched someone accomplish a dream that only they could understand and see. 

*

Achievement comes after the idea is formed and the belief is solidified. 

*

Start thinking today about what your life looks like when pornography is no longer part of it.    

Get signed up for our next webinar https://www.zachspafford.com/freecall

   Travel and pornography use

Lots of you guys travel. 

This is a huge issue for pornography users.  

It is a great opportunity to start learning what is going on for you. 

Loneliness is probably the biggest issue I dealt with when I traveled for work.  Boredom is another feeling travelers often try to avoid. 

Whatever negative feelings you are seeking to avoid through buffering, I want to give you 3 things that you can do to make your trip successful and pornography free. 

1.     Plan ahead

a.     Know your down time 

b.     Create a schedule

c.     Create a back up plan for down time 

d.     Plan for exercise

e.     Plan for positive eating

f.      Plan wholesome entertainment

g.     

h.     

2.     Increase self awareness

a.     Create intimacy – reach out to friends, family and your spouse

b.     Don’t expect them to fill the void of bad feelings

c.     Be willing to feel bad

d.     Notice your feelings

e.     Notice the thoughts that create them

f.      Be willing to ask questions of those thoughts 

g.     

3.     Learn from your actions

a.     In our membership we Use something called learn something and move forward in 

b.     Look back at the last time you went out of town.  

c.     When did it hit you last time? and 

d.     what could you do differently?

e.     What is the story that you tell yourself about when you go out of town?

                                               i.     Is it that this is a time to escape and let loose?

                                             ii.     Is it that you always fail?

                                            iii.     Is it that you never win these battles?

                                            iv.     Is it that you are going to have to fight and be strong and struggle?

                                              v.     

f.      Decide on a different story

g.     Allow missteps to be opportunities to learn

h.     As we get older we think we should know better

i.      If we haven’t learned it yet, then we need to learn it, not beat ourselves up for not knowing it yet. 

j.      

k.     

This week in the membership one of my members was talking about the question that another member had asked during our previous session.  

The man I was coaching said, “when That guy asked that question, it was as if he had been reading my mind.”

This is the amazingness that comes from being part of the membership. You get to hear the questions you didn’t even know how to ask, asked for you!

This moment was when I decided that I needed to answer that question for you all, here on the podcast.

As part of the coaching I do, often we talk about shame and how to manage and deal with it.  

The question we’re talking about was part of this discussion about minimizing shame in our lives. 

The question was, “what is a good way to not let myself feel so much shame when I act on my urges?”

First off, let’s talk about why we feel shame. 

Knowing what shame is gives us the ammunition we need to actually end it.  

Shame is often contrasted with guilt.  

The thing about guilt is that it can be a powerful catalyst for change.  

Guilt is about learning that what you have done is not what you would like to have done, had you been able to.  

I’ve heard it said this way and this definition works for me.  

Guilt comes when I understand that what I’ve done is not right for me. 

Guilt comes when I’ve acted incorrectly, based on my own sense of right and wrong and according to my agency within the framework of truths I hold. 

As brene brown put it, guilt is I did something bad. 

Shame on the other hand, is not about a behavior, but about our sense of who we are.  

Shame comes when when I believe that what I’ve done makes me bad, irredeemable and unacceptable. 

Shame comes when I’ve acted contrary to my framework of truth knowing that I’m discarding my own sense of what is right and wrong and feel incapable of exercising my own agency. 

Again, going back to brene brown, Shame is, I am bad. 

So “What is a good way to not let myself feel so much shame when I act on my urges?” 

Here are 3 things that you need to do to eliminate shame when you have acted on urges that don’t fit your idea of who you want to be. 

First, you need to decide that this is an opportunity to learn

Learn something move forward.

Second thing you’ll need to eliminate shame when you’ve acted on your urges is talk to someone you trust.  

-       Create intimacy

-       Practice openness.  

-       

Third thing, understand that you are enough.

-       Atonement

-       

Each of these things will help you eliminate shame and understand that you are not bad. 

Hopefully they will serve to strengthen your capacity to exercise your agency, accept responsibility for your actions and shape the person you want to be. 

Work with me through the model of one of my clients and see if some of your own logic has been where he is.

Your happiness is within reach

I used to think that darcy could make me happy.  

I thought that if I could just make her happy enough then she would, in turn, make me happy. 

Seemed simple enough. 

I used to do pretty much whatever she wanted.  

I would let her get things that I thought we didn’t need.  

I would do whatever it took to make her life as comfortable as possible. 

In the first few years of our marriage we moved so many times, just because Darcy found a new apartment that she liked better than the one we lived in at the moment.  

The first time we lived in Milwaukee we only lived here for about 6 years and we lived in 3 different places before we bought a house.  6 years, 4 houses.  Did we really need to move. No.  did we do it because darcy wanted to. Yes. 

I learned to build things, fix things, make more money and climb the corporate ladder all so I could give Darcy more.  

When it came to my personal time.  Time to go play basketball, watch sports or do outdoors activities, Darcy had a firm veto on all of it.  

If she didn’t like what it was I wanted to do, she would put a stop to it. 

Then there was sex.  

I would do anything for sex.  

I would give up whatever I wanted for sex.  Some strange bargains were made in the name of sex. 

I did this in an effort to make her happy and to make me happy. 

I have a confession.  I was doing it wrong. 

I was looking for happiness in the wrong place. 

I was looking for someone else to make me happy. 

I was looking for something outside me to make happiness available. 

All while this was going on for me, something else was going on for Darcy.  

Something similar, but slightly different. Tell your experience of trying to get happiness from me. 

Darcy –   I truly believed it was Zach’s job to make me happy, I 100% believed he had the power to do that and that he should. When I wasn’t happy it was his fault, or the kids fault or the houses fault.

Pretty much everything outside of me what to blame for my unhappiness. Don’t get me wrong I was not miserable all the time but when I was not happy it was not my fault.

I would use sex as a bargaining tool for me to get what I wanted on occasions. I also used sex as a way to feel validated by Zach. I also thought I could make Zach happy by having sex. 

Sounds terrible. 

So, what happened and how can you take control of your happiness?

Around the time I was really making headway in quitting pornography I became more aware at how much of my choices were dependent on Darcy’s desires. 

I worked really hard to do what she wanted because I thought that it would build our relationship.  

In part, it did and in part it created a lot of resentment.  

Sure, in the moment, it usually made her feel good and I could say that I would feel good too.  But in the long run, I would look back at some of the choices and I would feel like I had been manipulated.  

Now, I want to be clear, I know now that I was choosing what I was choosing.  I don’t blame Darcy for any of the way I acted.  

What I was missing was the idea that I have to take both responsibility and action where my happiness is concerned. 

1.     Marriage isn’t a fairy tale

2.     We weren’t bringing everything we could because we were acting like the other person would make up half the work. 

3.     You can’t be happy by waiting on someone else to make you happy. 

So, how can we be happy?

-this is something we talk about in the self mastery membership when our clients come to us. Come check it out. 

1.     Know what it is you want from your life – has to be your own, must be important to you, you must be willing to make it happen, even when your partner isn’t 100% on board yet

a.     Cats and dogs

b.     

c.     – top five priorities. 

                                               i.     This makes it easier to say yes and to say no

2.     Believe in you 

a.     

b.     Begin by knowing what makes you happy

                                             ii.     Take back your power

c.     Other people don’t have to behave in certain ways for you to be happy

d.     Choose to trust yourself and your spouse

e.     Figure out a new story – one that is true but that also serves you better than the one you have been telling that keeps you from being happy. 

f.      

3.     Take risks 

a.     TELL YOUR SPOUSE WHAT IS GOING ON for you

b.     Be willing to hold space for them if they don’t like what is going on

c.     Forgive yourself, forgive your spouse

d.     

You can choose. 

-       New years 

-       New beginning

-       Time to create turning points in life

-       Give you 2 keys to make any new habit stick

-       I can’t 

-       One of my least fav phrases

-       It means we aren’t capable. 

-       It means we don’t have agency, 

-       Agency is

o   Knowing what is right and wrong

o   consequences

o   Ability to choose

o   

-       Any missing – don’t have agency

-       A lot of us have, in our heads a laundry list of things that we can’t do. 

-       I want to give you three keys to help you deal with that list and start doing the things that you want to do

-       More importantly these three things will help you become who you want to be.  

-       Because this is so important, 

-       Want it to stick

-       Not going to talk about 5 things or 10 just two

-       If you want to make a permanent change to anything in your life. 

-       New habit

-       You have to do two things

-       First, make it doable every time. 

o   Let’s say you want to be able to do 50 pushups

o   Your goal will be to just do one

o   When you are going to do it, all you have to do is one. 

o   If you want to be a runner, your goal is to put on your shoes

o   If you want to eat healthier your goal is to write what you’re eating once a day

-       Second, attach your goal to something you are already doing. 

o   50 push ups, do one every time you finish peeing.

o   Running? If you want to do it first thing in the morning, put your shoes on immediately after you turn off the alarm

o   Food journaling – right as you sit to eat, before you pick up your fork. 

-       third – create and believe in I am statements

o   Change is most effective when it is who we are not what we are doing

o   I’m a push up fanatic

o   I’m a runner

o   I’m a healthy eater

o   Don’t have to be doing it all the time, or even consistently

o   We all know a hunter – they say, “I’m a hunter” 

o   No one is like, “are you hunting right now?”

o   Have you hunted in the last week?  Prove to me you’re a hunter

o   We just take people at their word

o   The more we believe we “are” the more we are likely to act in a way that reflects that belief

o   

Join the Self Mastery membership at zachspafford.com