Thrive Beyond Pornography

For a lot of my life I had a very real sense that I was not very important in my family.  As the 4th child in a family of five, early on I observed my needs as being secondary to those of my older siblings or my parents or my little sister.  

This is just the way things work in large families and small families.  The truth is that every child, as they grow up, experiences things that create narratives that they internalize as their reality of who they are.  

For me, one of the things that I felt and struggled with was this sense that I was not enough to merit someone paying attention to me and spending the time with me that I wanted them to spend.  

It really didn’t matter what I was doing or how successful I was in sports, drama, or school my parents were busy and, in my mind at least, didn’t show up as often as I thought they should. 

This perception, whether it was true or not, helped my forming mind create a sense that I was not enough.  

This affected the relationship that I have with Darcy and how pornography helped soothe me through parts of our life. 

On the 94 freeway headed north as we left the Chicago temple when Darcy and I were first married Darcy made a comment about my driving.  I reacted in a way that was not kind, was not safe, and not how I would want to show up in the rest of my life.

I got upset, angry with her characterization of my driving.  I felt like I was being attacked for doing my best and that no matter what I did, it would never be enough. 

Fast forward maybe 15 years, heading south from a trip up to Salt Lake, Darcy made another comment about my driving. Again, upset, frustrated, and defensive I proceeded to let Darcy know that I didn’t think her characterization of my driving was fair.  After all, I was doing my best and clearly, she didn’t appreciate everything I do to make her life happy, safe, and stable.  

I was, once again, not enough. 

You might have similar stories, your stories might differ in details, but feel the same. 

One of the reasons that I turned to to pornography was it’s extraordinary ability to bring me to a place where I was always enough. 

In the world of pornography, you can be with any woman, regardless of your talent, abilities, or money. 

In the world of pornography, the women you are with are willing to do anything with, for, and because of you.  They want you, the same way you want them. 

You don’t have to prove you’re a good match, capable of caring for them and your children.  You don’t even have to know anything about them, and they want you. 

Being wanted, unconditionally the way pornography makes you feel is possible is a powerful sensation. 

In the world of pornography, you are always enough, for as long as you can make the fantasy last.  

After that second driving incident, Darcy and I met with our friend Dr. Larry Bradley.  In that session, he mentioned two things that have made a significant difference in our lives. 

He helped me see that I was carrying around this idea that I wasn’t enough and that I can never do enough to please the people in my life. 

He also helped Darcy that the narrative that she learned for herself was that “I’m not lovable.”

So, just to re-clarify.  This isn’t a story about how bad our parents were or how they didn’t do enough for us and how we are damaged beyond repair and it’s all their fault. 

What Darcy and I experienced is a normal process that young minds go through to understand and manage their expectations in the world they are presented with. 

What we had to do, and continue to do in our marriage and lives, is become aware of how our brains were offering us a narrative that we weren’t good enough and that was hindering our long-term happiness. 

One of the ideas that most of us take into marriage is that our partner is there to validate us and help us feel complete. 

For me, I wanted Darcy to tell me that I was doing enough in all my efforts. 

For Darcy, She wanted me to act in ways that made her feel loved above all else. 

We go into our marriages with a sense that our partner is supposed to be there to complete us and when that doesn’t happen, we often find ways to manage that sense of not being enough. 

For many of the men and women who are listening to this podcast, that means escaping into a world where you are made to feel enough without exception.  

Now, you might be listening to this and think, oh, so the solution is for zach to be more loving and do the things that make Darcy feel lovable.  And for Darcy to be more expressive of her belief that Zach is doing enough and that he is always doing his best in everything he does and to never criticise him for what he does that she doesn’t like. 

But at the same time, if you live in the real world, you know that always being on guard to protect your partner’s fragile sense of self in ways that are always validating and uplifting is not only an impossible task, it would be mind-numbingly exhausting.

Here we arrive and we have this story in our heads about how we are not enough.  Most of us use behaviors that feel good and temporarily meet our desires to feel enough.  And most of those behaviors that we use create long-term negative effects in our lives which perpetuate the sense that we are not enough.  Many of us have gotten married, working to integrate ourselves with another person so that they can help fill that gap in our lives, which doesn’t work, which only deepens our sense that we aren’t enough.  

If you are recognizing this in your life, you’re not alone.  And you’re probably wondering what do I do to move past this downward spiral of never being enough in your own mind and in your actions.  

Let me give you two concrete things that you can do in your life to create a process of escaping this downward spiral. 

First, face up to your behaviors.  

When Darcy was asking me to slow down or drive more safely, she was putting something in front of me that she found to be undesirable behavior.  

Once that is done, I have to have a mechanism within me that allows me to evaluate that behavior on its merits and based on who I want to be in my life. 

Facing my behavior means that I’m not looking at that behavior through a lens of whether it is acceptable among others or if it has been tolerated in the past.  

It means evaluating my actions in light of my values and my desire to be a more complete person.  

Driving is a fairly small example, but pornography or overeating is often more impactful.  

As Darcy and I progressed, there were occasions where she would find something that wasn’t pornography but that was me following links that included bikini pictures or other material that I would not have been proud to explain to others that I was looking at.  

In her best moments, Darcy was able to engage with me in a conversation about that particular behavior or incident without making it mean anything about her.  She would ask me, is this who you want to be?  

This is a really great question when confronting your own behavior. 

When we ask this question without judging ourselves we can look at the behavior objectively and compassionately.  We can see it for what it is, a way to manage our sense of discomfort.  And we can evaluate it in terms of how it integrates into the whole person we want to be when we are alone and with others. 

In other words, when you find or your partner points out behaviors that don’t seem to be part of the whole picture you have of yourself take a step back from defending it. Allow yourself to be objective about it.  Imagine how it might feel to live without it.  

Facing your behavior and dropping judgment isn’t easy.  It is a really uncomfortable and meaningful process.  

Second, let go of caretaking your partner and other equals.

This is something that a lot of men do, and I did, to try and keep Darcy happy.  Darcy also did this to try and keep me happy, but more, to keep me from turning to pornography. 

Caretaking our partner is about hiding from them what is real and true for us.  

For me, I would do this by lying about my pornography viewing behaviors.  I would also do this by giving up what I wanted to show her that her needs and wants were more important than mine.  

She would do this by engaging with me sexually even when she didn’t want to, in order to try to manage my pornography viewing. 

Working to manage our partner emotionally and physically is frustrating for both parties in the long run. 

The Self Mastery Podcast is dedicated to helping Latter-day Saints overcome pornography. Men and women struggle with overcoming pornography.

This podcast draws on the real-life experiences of the hosts, Zach and Darcy in their struggle to overcome pornography, strengthen their marriage, and grow personally.

If you want to know what real success looks like in overcoming pornography from real people who have been where you are, then this podcast is for you. The interviews with real clients who have succeeded, the amazing skills, techniques, and systems that are shared, and the real-world experiences of the hosts make this the number one podcast for Latter-day Saints looking to overcome pornography.

If you are ready to take your knowledge and understanding to the next level, join the Self Mastery Membership at zachspafford.com/workwithme

If you are looking to end a pornography struggle and don't know where to turn, then this podcast is for you.

In this episode you'll learn 3 keys that you can use to leave pornography behind.

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Episode 123 – 

100k downloads

Scholarships as a thank you to JFF as we mentioned last episode – follow us on Instagram so you see the link for the application

This month in the membership we are talking about Porn is not The problem.  

This Christmas had a note from eric and Jackie – we did a client interview with them episode 62 in nov 2020, they are doing so well.  If you want to go back to that one and listen, you’ll get an idea of the amzing changes that can come to your life working with darcy and I

They are such an amazing couple.  They just messaged us in dec and that were doing super well.  

One of the things that we got over Christmas was one of those Chinese finger traps. 

You know, the ones that you can put your fingers into and then once your fingers are in there, if you pull they get trapped.  

And for a really good one of those, the harder you pull the tighter it grips you.

This year as all of us are setting goals and laying out resolutions we really need to take time to recognize that a lot of these goals can be like that Chinese finger trap. 

The more we resist and fight with what we don’t want in our lives, the more that thing grips and holds on to us.  

The only way to get out of them is to lean into back into the trap and release its hold.  It is a lot like a snare used for catching rabbits. 

So, what does that look like when it comes to pornography and other unwanted habits. 

Much like the finger trap, the more you resist your unwanted habit, the more it seems to be a struggle to get away from it. 

Simply put, if you are going to get away from this trap you are going to need to see what it is that you need to lean into, to start allowing that habitual trap to loosen up and let you walk free. 

1 To do this you’ll need first to recognize that you have a response ability.  You have the ability to respond to the underlying reason that you have been turning to this habit.  

Learn what those reasons are.  Ask yourself, why am I using this habit to avoid my life?

Most of the people I work with find that the reason they are using an unwanted habit to avoid their life or buffer is that they feel uncomfortable.

This comes in a variety of ways, including the regular, if unpleasant emotions of loneliness, being tired, stressed, frustrated, entitled, and any other negative emotion you can name. 

Once you learn what the underlying reason is for your habit, you can now begin to exercise your response ability.  

Respond to that emotion differently.  In my membership we work on a variety of techniques to do this, including simple meditations, but no matter what you do, experimenting to respond to that emotion differently really needs to include leaning into it and allowing it to exist without resistance. 

2 Then next thing you need to do is not freak out if it doesn’t work perfectly the first time.  

Like an animal caught in a snare, the freak out is the think that keeps you trapped.  

When mistakes are made, create an honest, open dialogue with your partner that can help you see the situation for what it is.  And learn from what happened.  

When we catastrophize and act as though we will never be free from this behavior, we really do get snared and trapped.  

3 finally, this last thing that you can do, rather than set goals that might be Chinese finger traps, let’s re-view our values, reassess how they fit into our lives, and reprioritize them as we see fit.  

In episodes, 108 and 109 I go into depth on how goals and values interact and how you can more fully live your values in ways that help you succeed in the long run.  

One of the things that I talk about there is that goals are about a finite timeline.  Meaning that when we have a goal, we can be really good at focusing in on it until that moment is achieved in our minds.  Weight loss is a great example of this.  If you have ever tried to lose a certain amount of weight, reached your target only to find that in the next days, weeks, and months, you fall back to old ways of eating and gain the weight back and maybe a couple extra pounds. 

This is an example of how goals exercised in the name of willpower can be detrimental, whereas values are more about who we are. 

Living your values means that they are done in the here and now, and the here and now never goes away.  So, if I eat healthy because one of my values is to eat healthy then I’m more likely to live my life based on who I am, not what I’m supposed to achieve.  

Whereas, with goals, once the achievement has been made, our focus shifts and we move on to another goal. 

The Self Mastery Podcast is dedicated to helping Latter-day Saints overcome pornography. Men and women struggle with overcoming pornography.

This podcast draws on the real-life experiences of the hosts, Zach and Darcy in their struggle to overcome pornography, strengthen their marriage, and grow personally.

If you want to know what real success looks like in overcoming pornography from real people who have been where you are, then this podcast is for you. The interviews with real clients who have succeeded, the amazing skills, techniques, and systems that are shared, and the real-world experiences of the hosts make this the number one podcast for Latter-day Saints looking to overcome pornography.

If you are ready to take your knowledge and understanding to the next level, join the Self Mastery Membership at zachspafford.com/workwithme

In this episode we discuss the accountability app question of one of my clients and help him come to a place where he is living his best life without pornography.

If you have struggled with pornography and are ready to quit, this is the podcast for you. Porn affects so many men and women and now you have a way to quit for good and forever.

Come listen to Zach and, when you are ready, sign up for his once a year Group Coaching by clicking HERE.

Overcome porn for good in your life and become the man or woman you want to be in 2022!

Check us out at zachspafford.com

zachspafford.com/thestuff

If you would like to start your year off amazingly, come be part of our only group coaching of 2022.

Talking about being at rock bottom? This podcast gives you a really simple place to start climbing out if you are looking to overcome pornography.

If you are looking to eliminate an unwanted porn habit, this is the podcast for you.

Learn more at zachspafford.com

This Bonus Episode is just for your teens who are struggling to quit pornography. Joey Mascio is a Certified Life Coach who specializes in teens becoming awesome.

Check out the amazing work course Joey and I put together at TeensQuitPorn.com

You can also check out Joey's work at firmlyfounded.com

This week during one of my coaching sessions my client said to me, “how do I keep up my motivation so I don’t keep going back to pornography and how do I choose an important enough why that will keep me motivated?”

This question is one that I think a lot of people struggle with, so I wanted to take some time and talk about the differences between the ways that we approach problems and how we might be approaching our struggles with pornography in ways that aren’t helping us ultimately succeed. 

I’m going to touch on 4 different concepts, how they might help and how they might keep you from succeeding if you utilize them too heavily without other key elements. 

Let’s talk about Motivation, Our Why, Habits, and Who we are. 

I’ll start with Motivation.  Which I like to think of as synonymous with willpower. 

This is a pretty common way of thinking about a problem.  First, we encounter a problem and then we find some motivation that helps us overcome that problem until it is finally gone. 

When it comes to short-term and long-term,  external problems, this is often a really good course of action.  Take school or work for example.  External problems can be broken into a variety of short-term, solvable, puzzles that once they are overcome fade into the distance.  This is why motivation works.  We don’t have to sustain a long-term, near-permanent grasp on the problem.  We simply need to go through the maze of struggle until we get to the exit and then we can move on to the next problem. 

This is like setting a goal and when that goal is accomplished we no longer focus on the goal.   I once did a weight loss challenge at work with my co-workers.  I kept telling myself that these were permanent changes that I was making and that I would never look back.  Immediately after winning that challenge I stopped eating healthy and went back to being the same person i was before.  I was no longer focused on a goal, my willpower had run out, and my motivation (the money) had long been spent.   

So, it is much easier to have motivation on a short-term project, issue, or goal because we can use willpower and motivation to see it through to the end. 

Where we get lost is in thinking that willpower and motivation are enough to overcome an internally motivated feedback loop. 

In their book, change anything, the authors describe willpower as a trap.  In their studies of children who were offered tempting items to purhcase after they had just been given cash for going through a series of steps that were presented as the experiment. In reality the experiment was what would the kids do with their money.   they demonstrate that willpower is not the main determining factor in whether the kids buy.  

Motivation and willpower are easily manipulated it turns out. Where the kids who succeeded in keeping their earnings was more based on A set of skills learned along the way that the kids could draw on when the temptations arose.  Skill, not willpower or motivation determined whether they bought overpriced trinkets for the thrill of the purchase, or simply said, “i’ll save my money for later.”

Many of you have said, after a particularly difficult patch, “this is the last time. I’ll never go back to that.”

You found yourself motivated and full of willpower.  A year later or less, without having changed your skill level your willpower has run out and the brightness of your motivation has faded until you give in again.  

Let’s take a look at the Why? Simon Senik talks about this a lot with corporations and I do think there are applications in personal life as well.  In his most famous example, Simon talks about the reason we all buy apple products when there are more affordable and often, more functional products out there.  

It’s that they focus on why they do what they do.  

Let’s talk about how the Why is often used and how we can use it more effectively to succeed.  

Usually, when I hear my clients talk about the reasons they want to eliminate pornography I hear them tell me that there is some sort of external why.  

“I don’t want to upset my wife” “It’s not ok as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to do this” “I can’t go on a mission until I get this under control” 

Each of these reasons are trying to make our internal problem an external one by putting the locus of our why outside of us and on a person or entity that isn’t us.  

I often talk about this as an abdication of agency and a nice guy approach to living which ends only in resentment, failure, and frustration.  

One thing that Simon talks about in his famous ted x talk that you only see if you’re paying attention is that all of the why’s of great and famous entrepreneurs are focused in on themself making something that they like.  Meaning, when we focus on who we want to be, creating what we want, and making that thing work for us, our why can be helpful in structuring a meaning frame that provides a long term creation of who we want to be.  Why must lead to who we want to be, not who we want to please.

So, let’s talk about who, because who we are and how we see who we are is integral to executing behavior that allows us to succeed at higher and higher levels. 

Let me give you an example from my own life.  

When I left a very lucrative job working for a large company my in-laws thought I was insane.  The work I was doing wasn’t going to end any time soon. I had a six figure salary, a five figure bonus, and a company car.  But I also had a tight schedule, bosses that I was beholden to, and very little freedom in my day to day.  

In the beginning of being in that job I saw myself as a lifer.  I thought I would be there forever.  Then one day a switch flipped for me.  I no longer saw my self as a corporate man.  I saw myself as an entrepreneur.  I wanted to own what I was doing.  I wanted to be my own boss and was willing to risk greater insecurity for greater rewards.  

My who had changed.  As a result, I found a way to buy a business and become my own boss.  

My behavior reflected my sense of who I was.  Not the other way around.  

When it came to pornography, who I was became just as important.  When I stopped seeing myself as an addict, I started to figure out that I don’t have to act like someone who can’t control my own behavior.  

As I left that space I had to find a new vision and belief about Who i was.  

For a time I was someone who occasionally looks at pornography.  

Eventually, who I was entered a phase where  I am someone who doesn’t view pornography at all. 

From my belief in who I am, my behavior followed because if I were to act in a way that was contrary to my understanding of who I am, that would become very disorganizing to my sense of self.  

This same principle is why vegitarians don’t eat meat, Cubs fans don’t buy White Sox hats, and Latter-day Saints sacrifice so much to go on missions.  

Who I am trumps short term happiness when we fully integrate it into our lives and use it to show us the way forward.  

“Who” also dictates our habits and can help us create worthy, valuable ones where unhelpful and damaging ones previously existed. 

So, when we talk about habits, I start with a simple equation.  Cue, response, reward. 

In this equation we have one lever of control. How we Respond.  

Cue’s will always be part of our lives.  As a result, we need to retrain our response process to give us rewards that align with our long-term sense of who we are. 

First, what I mean when I say cue is the external circumstances and internal feelings that occur to everyone. You might have referred to these as triggers.  I find that to be a loaded word that relinquishes too much control over who we are.  When I have a cue, i choose how to respond to it.  When there is a trigger, I go off like a gun regardless of what I want to do. 

This process of creating habits based on skills that we learn creates automatic, values-based responses to cues that align with our internal why and sense of who we are. 

Setting up a habit is not just about trying one thing one time.  It is about training.  

I grew up a military brat,  we traveled from place to place and were deeply ingrained with a sense of pride in our armed forces.  

If you think about what it means to be a soldier in the US armed forces you probably think about training.  

Lots of training.  

Which is just a word for practicing the skills that we need to automatically react to the environment we’re in. 

Just like the military, we can practice our overcoming pornography skills in what I call “off game” scenarios.  

Food is a great place to do this, but so are other commonly occurring circumstances.  

If you are looking to overcome porn for good. This is the podcast for you.

If we want to succeed we have to be able to automatically react, rather than fight, search for motivation, and drain our willpower.  

If you drop soldiers into battle without training them, they will likely not succeed.  Dropping yourself into life without training for urges, cues, and circumstances hoping you’ll have willpower enough to walk away from your computer or motivation enough to talk to your partner is a recipe for disaster.  

Instead, learn your “why,” create your who, and train like your life depends on it.   

When I meet with a client for the first time during one of my free consults, I often hear this question asked in a variety of ways.  

“Is this going to help me eliminate my pornography struggle?“

What they are usually looking for is a confirmation that the work I do with people is going to be the very last thing they need to solve their pornography struggle. 

My standard answer is, “I don’t know if this is the last thing you need to know or just the next thing that you need to know. But everyone who struggles needs to know what I teach.”

So, let me tell you guys what I do that helps people solve their pornography struggle in a way that sets them up for success. 

I want to start by saying that if you keep working at it, you aren’t failing, you are succeeding. 

The process I teach is a simple one that uses the techniques I’ve learned from the life coach school and the CTFAR model that was developed by Booke Castillo and Acceptance and Commitment Coaching developed by Steven C. Hayes

Within those two systems, I help people learn how to solve for pornography with a variety of skills that I teach in three different settings.  The three coaching settings that I have right now starts with individual coaching, where you and I work together for about 6 months and we focus on your individual needs.  I teach and coach you alone during 12, 30-minute sessions.  This gives us a thread of work to follow and a lot of people see their best work happen during these sessions.  

The second way that I get people moving in the right direction, is with my coaching membership.  The coaching membership includes 4 open coaching calls each month, 2 for men and 2 for women. This usually breaks down along the lines of people struggling with Pornography and their wives, but that is not always the case.  There are a number of women who participate in the women’s calls that also struggle with pornography.  In this setting, I coach along with Darcy on the women’s calls and we help those who volunteer to be coached to get a different perspective on where they are and how they can move forward.  

The third way I help people is, once a year, I set up a group coaching program.  If you’re a part of my mailing list, you will have gotten a coupon code to join that for 55% off this year.  In the group coaching program, we get together weekly and coach just those in the group.  Many of whom go on to be highly successful in their path away from their pornography struggle. 

If you want to learn more about how each of those work, feel free to set up a consult with me by going to zachspafford.com/workwithme. 

Or you can just email me at [email protected]

So the next thing that you’ll want to know is, what do I teach.  

A lot of the things I teach are things I teach on this podcast.  

There are also some that I don’t teach on the podcast.  

That said, one of the main things that I teach is to become aware of the thoughts and feelings that are going on for you.  I teach you how to become more aware and how to use that awareness to improve your ability to make the decisions that you want. 

I also teach you some really important things that your brain is doing, like, the motivational triad, confirmation bias, and feeling good in ambiguity among other things.  

These simple things that your brain does automatically, are part of the reason that pornography has such a powerful draw.  Understanding how they work and what they do in your life that is helpful and not helpful is an ally in the process of retraining your responses to improve your outcomes when it comes to pornography.

Being aware and understanding how your brain works give you a base to start from. 

Add that to skills designed specifically to deal with urges, thoughts, and feelings will give you a compelling way to eliminate pornography. 

When urges, thoughts and feelings arise, there are three really important skills I teach. 

First, allowing without needing to intervene.  Many of us believe that we have to do something when our brian offers us an idea that is contrary to our moral compass.  We’ve even been taught to forcibly, “change what’s on the stage”.  This technique helps us recognize that if we went around jumping at every shadow that crossed our path, we’d be miserable.  Many of you listening have been miserable because of that very thing.  

Another that i teach is being present with where you are in life.  Many of us fail to go through the difficult parts of life because we would rather pretend it isn’t there and avoid it. Learning to deal with those difficulties helps individuals become more successful at not turning to the behaviors that they have used in the past to avoid those unpleasant feelings and moments. 

I’ll give you two more. 

This next one might surprise you.  Especially as members of the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints.  I love to help people engage with and become more familiar with their top priorities and values.  

I often ask my clients, “what are your top five priorities in life?”

It is very rare that any of them see themselves as a top priority.  They will often list off their family, their work, their church responsibilities.  These are all amazing, and appropriate priorities for us to have.  

But the one they fail to mention, themselves, is often the one that is being neglected.  In neglecting to take care of themselves and make their happiness a priority, they shortchange the other four.  

Last one, being kind.  I’ll talk about this one in my next podcast more in-depth.  But for now, I’ll just tell you that being kind to yourself is essential to making this struggle a thing of the past.  

I realize this isn’t a deep dive into what I do, but it is a significant part of the process.  

I’ve done a number of interviews with clients since I began this podcast, you can go back and get a more in-depth understanding of what their experience was and how you might see yourself through the conversation that I have with them. 

Each of the things I teach and coach on is going to help you. 

One of them might be the magic that unlocks the change you’ve been wanting. 

But more than anything, I hope you understand that the success you get from the work is in not giving up and choosing to have hope.  You guys are amazing. 

This week Darcy and I discuss the talk given by Brad Wilcox in General Conference. It struck us as exactly the right tone to take with our own processes of eliminating pornography from our lives.

If you have struggled with pornography and are working to quit, then this is the podcast for you.

Check us out at zachspafford.com.