I got this request from a podcast listener! Let’s learn what codependency is, how it relates to attachment, and why we’re prone to it as relational creatures.

Codependency is a condition where someone relies too much on another person in an unhealthy and self-destructive way.

Human beings are wired to form attachments and relationships for survival. We are wired to attach, even to people that aren’t good for us.

Codependency can feel like relationship addiction, but unlike other addictions, we need relationships to survive.

Even people from healthy childhood backgrounds can fall into codependent relationships because everyone is wired to connect.

Signs of codependency include prioritizing others’ needs over your own, losing a sense of self, feeling guilty for doing things for yourself, and needing your partner to feel happy.

People may stay in harmful relationships because their neurobiology prefers attachment, even to unhealthy partners, over being alone.

Childhood experiences, such as witnessing dysfunctional relationships, can shape our relationship patterns in adulthood.

Codependent relationships are often filled with drama, emotional destruction, and cycles of extreme highs (honeymoon phases) followed by intense lows (drama and danger).

The brain, particularly the amygdala, can drive unhealthy attachment by perceiving the potential loss of a relationship as a survival threat.

Codependent relationships can trigger a constant need for reassurance and fear of abandonment, making it difficult to leave.

It’s important to get therapy or coaching from someone who can be honest about the situation and help you break the cycle.

Codependence Anonymous (CoDA) and 12-step programs can also be helpful in navigating these issues.

Remind yourself that you deserve love, happiness, and safety, even if you don’t fully believe it at first. Start by telling yourself that you do deserve better.

I’m back! I took a break after completing my manuscript for The Polyvagal Solution, which will teach people how to manage stress using polyvagal theory.

In today’s episode, I cover insights gained from spiritual practices that will help you be a better human.

Most importantly, living on your own terms is essential—this is your one life, so don’t let others dictate how you should live.

Learn why not taking things personally is a game changer.

Be accountable is key. When you make a mistake, it’s important to take responsibility and make amends.

Learning to let go is crucial. Life is full of cycles, and things, people, and situations will come and go. Holding on too tightly causes unnecessary suffering.

Grief is a natural part of life’s cycles, but clinging to what was can prevent growth and healing.

Recognizing that everyone is trying to survive can help foster empathy and understanding. Despite differences, most people want the same core things: happiness, health, safety, and joy.

We should start conversations from a place of shared humanity, focusing on common goals like happiness and safety rather than on divisions.

Not taking things personally doesn’t mean avoiding responsibility. It’s about understanding what is really about you and what isn’t.

Letting go of people and relationships that no longer serve you is part of life’s natural process. It’s okay for relationships to end or evolve over time.

Embrace life’s impermanence, and accept that nothing lasts forever. This mindset can help with moving forward from losses.

Strive to be a better human by being curious, accountable, and compassionate toward yourself and others.

Introduction of Kristen Gmerek, who worked with my company before starting a new path in social work. We discussed how our connection evolved and how I encouraged Kristen’s career shift.

Kristen (they/them) shared their journey of identity discovery, starting with a sense of confusion about gender roles as a child and how this led to embracing a non-binary identity.

We explored the concept of identity crises and how societal constructs, like gender norms, can limit personal growth and self-expression.

Kristen discussed their experiences with gender expression, the fluidity of pronouns, and how embracing their identity helped them thrive.

We reflected on how questioning norms, gender-affirming care, and self-acceptance can be empowering, while acknowledging societal pressures.

I shared my personal experience of coming out as bisexual later in life and how I navigated the internal and external aspects of this realization.

We discussed the complexities of coming out, societal expectations, and how these constructs can make identity journeys more difficult.

Kristen encouraged listeners to find safe spaces for self-reflection and questioning, emphasizing the importance of supportive environments in thriving.

My top five lessons learned from my 20 years as a trauma therapist.

I share my background, including my education and experiences in trauma therapy, starting from grad school.

Hear how I became interested in trauma work, initially sparked by my own experiences and further deepened by reading “Trauma and Recovery” by Judith Herman.

Neuroplasticity and how our brains can change and heal through new experiences and coping strategies is an incredible human asset to have!

The power of human resilience and how people are often much stronger than we assume, even after experiencing severe trauma, is humbling.

Don’t make meaning of someone else’s story or path! Let people find their own way, for it is only through the process of healing that we can discover some of the most valuable lessons.

Find balance in helping others, ensuring not to walk someone else’s path for them, but to support and empower them.

I stress the significance of relationships in therapy, especially the unique, safe, and supportive relationship between a therapist and a client.

I share personal and professional experiences with overcoming survival mode

Learn why growth and comfort cannot coexist

Learn the concept “window Of tolerance” from psychotherapy and how to use it to fund your growth edge

Explore the research on trigger warnings and their potential to contribute to avoidance behaviors

Research indicates trigger warnings may increase anxiety rather than reduce it

Why healing from trauma requires facing discomfort and that therapy is inherently triggering but necessary for growth

Learn why avoiding discomfort can prevent personal growth and create more suffering

How to challenge yourself in the right way so you can transform and live a kick-ass life

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/21677026231186625

https://www.usnews.com/news/health-news/articles/2023-10-17/are-trigger-warnings-useless-new-study-says-yes

https://www.newyorker.com/news/our-columnists/what-if-trigger-warnings-dont-work

I discuss betrayal trauma, emphasizing that it can occur in various forms beyond infidelity, such as in friendships, relationships, and family dynamics.

I share some of my personal experiences with betrayal trauma.

We talk about how betrayal trauma is essentially trust trauma, caused by someone close violating that trust.

Emphasizes that betrayal trauma is not about the victim but rather the betrayer’s ego and selfish needs.

Betrayal trauma can manifest in physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, neglect, manipulation, dishonesty, and stealing.

Discuss the symptoms of betrayal trauma, including depression, shame, guilt, self-blame, difficulty trusting others, hypervigilance, and emotional dysregulation.

I introduce the concept of “betrayal blindness,” where individuals avoid acknowledging betrayal to protect themselves from the pain.

Healing from betrayal trauma requires time and space, allowing the nervous system to heal and process the grief.

Stresses the importance of feeling and processing emotions through activities like journaling, therapy, and physical exercise.

I highlight the duality of people and experiences, acknowledging both the good and bad in relationships to maintain a balanced perspective.

I encourage listeners to keep moving forward and remind them that betrayal trauma is not about them but about the betrayer’s issues.

Important concepts from yoga philosophy and Buddhist studies.

The Thrive Five framework includes spiritual practices.

Spiritual belief systems help make sense of suffering in life.

Suffering is an inevitable part of life.

Acceptance of suffering helps in dealing with it effectively.

Attachment can increase suffering.

Everything in life is impermanent. This can be really scary but also really freeing, depending on how you look at this perspective.

The story of “maybe” illustrates that events cannot be immediately classified as good or bad.

Life is happening for you, not to you.

I share 3 valuable lessons from my personal and professional journey.

Lesson 1: Take responsibility for your own happiness; no one else can save you.

Relying on external validation and regulation is ineffective.

Self-reliance and personal accountability are key.

Lesson 2: Sustainable change comes from small, consistent habits over time.

Neuroplasticity allows for the creation of new neural pathways through repetition.

Set realistic, attainable goals to build successful habits.

Lesson 3: Believe in yourself, even if just a little.

Small shifts in self-belief can significantly impact outcomes.

Failure is a learning opportunity; maintain a positive mindset to keep trying.

Polyvagal theory and it’s relationship with wellness and therapy.

An introduction to Steven Porges, the developer of polyvagal theory, and his research on the vagus nerve and heart rate variability.

Explanation of the vagus nerve, its functions, and how it affects physical and emotional health.

The concept of the vagal paradox: the vagus nerve’s role in both health and potential danger (bradycardia).

Polyvagal theory as a framework to understand the nervous system and its responses to safety and danger.

Overview of the autonomic nervous system and its branches: sympathetic (mobilization) and parasympathetic (rest and digest) systems.

Detailed explanation of the vagus nerve pathways: ventral vagal (safety and social engagement) and dorsal vagal (shutdown and immobilization).

The fight, flight, freeze, and faint responses mediated by the vagus nerve.

Importance of vagal tone and how it influences the body’s response to stress and relaxation.

Techniques and activities to improve vagal tone: yoga, meditation, exercise, breath work, mindfulness, and maintaining healthy relationships.

Meet my friend Taz Vazquez: an EMDR therapist, retired airforce veteran, and emotional freedom technique practitioner. She teahes us all about EFT and takes us through a self-help technique to use at home. 

Explanation of Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), also known as tapping, is a technique that involves tapping on acupuncture points to calm the nervous system.

We chat about how EFT helps reprocess and integrate emotions, traumas, and other psychological issues.

EFT is supported by research and evidence!

EFT is a useful technique for trauma, post-traumatic stress, depression, anxiety, phobias, postpartum depression, addictions, pain, and performance enhancement.

Importance of consistent practice to maintain benefits and create new neural pathways.