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‘To leave all’
“I pray for the things to come out in such a way – so as He would have all the pleasure, all the glory.”
[During the year very often I have been longing to be all for Jesus. I thought it was one of my many mad desires. … How can I? I have been and am very happy as Loreto Nun. To leave that what I love and expose myself to new labours and sufferings which will be great, to cling to and choose deliberately the hard things of Indian life- to cling to and choose loneliness and ignominy, uncertainty- and all because Jesus wants it- because something is calling me “to leave all and gather the few- to live His life – to do His work in India.” These thoughts were a cause of much suffering- but the voice kept on saying “wilt thou refuse.”
I tried to persuade our Lord that I would try to become a very fervent holy Loreto nun, a real victim but the answer came very clear again.
“I want Indian Missionary sisters of Charity who would be My fire of love amongst the very poor- the sick- the dying- the little street children. … ”
These words or rather this voice frightened me. I prayed long – I prayed so much- I asked our mother Mary to ask Jesus to remove all this from me. The more I prayed- the clearer grew the voice in my heart and so I prayed that He would do with me whatever He wanted. Pray for me that I would become a religious according to His heart.]
This was the first letter (January 13, 1947) that Mother Teresa addressed to the Archbishop of Calcutta about the Divine call she received on 10 September, 1946. She had expected an affirmative response to quickly come from her spiritual directors but it took her more than twenty months to receive the much needed ‘go ahead’.
“I find that if the work begins- there will be plenty of sufferings for me. – As I am, I am very happy and here especially – but Our Lord does not stop calling. – I have tried to stop these thoughts – but without any fruit. – I know everybody will speak against. – …. Now, I am His, only His – and I have given Him everything. – So if you say give up all thoughts, I shall try to obey.”
– (January 25, 1947)
This whole correspondence reveals the depth of her passion to immolate herself for her beloved Jesus as she wrote to the archbishop on March 30, 1947-
From my superiors down, I know they will laugh at me. They will think me of a fool, proud, mad etc. What if good God wants my name? I am His and His only- the rest has no hold on me. I can do without all the rest if I have Him. Fear not for me- nor for those who will join me- He will look after us. He will be with us. ….. He will do all. I, I am only a little instrument in His hands.
I feel sometimes afraid, for I have nothing, no brains, no learning, no qualities required for such a work, and yet I tell Him that my heart belongs completely to Him and Him alone. He can use me as it will please Him best. To please Him only is the joy I seek.–
Quite contrary to her anticipation, she was asked to ‘drop it for all eternity’. It was a dual trial for her as she considered every yes or no of her superiors as will of God only. She admitted after a couple of months –
“You told me not to think of the work.- Whenever the thoughts used to burn me with the longing to offer all – to be His victim in every word – I used to do violence to myself – and begged Him not to let those thoughts come because I wanted to obey – and like a Little Lamb, He uses to obey too. How often, how very often He complained of delays..”
Her fervor for Jesus compelled her to keep pleading-
“The life I want to live with my sisters, I know, will be a difficult one – both for European and Indian sisters. But nothing is difficult to one who loves. Who can outdo God in His generosity- if we poor human beings give Him everything and surrender our whole being to His service? – No- He is sure to stand by us, and with us, as everything in us will be His.” – (October 19, 1947)
“Forgive this child of Yours- who is longing with many desires to give up all to God. …… I am terribly unworthy of the many graces He has given me all these years, without any merit of mine, but please tell me, does the good God give these desires and not mean them to come true? It is now over one year that they came, they have increased with every Holy Mass and Holy Communion. Let me begin the life to which Our Lord is calling me.- Let me offer myself for the work He has chosen for me.” – (November 7, 1947)
The letter dated December 3, 1947 presents an additional account of Jesus’ forceful calling and her submission-
“My own little one- come-come-carry me into the holes of the poor. – Come be My light – I cannot go alone- they don’t know Me – so they don’t want me. You come- go amongst them, carry Me with you.- How I long to enter their holes – their dark unhappy homes. Come be their victim. – In your immolation – in your love for Me- they will see Me, know me, want me.
You are afraid. How your fear hurts me. – Fear not. – Even if the whole world is against you, laughs at you, your companions and Superiors look down on you, fear not- it is I in you, with you, for you.”
I answered – You know Jesus I am ready to go at a moment’s notice.
Why all this come to me- the most unworthy of His creatures- I do not know – and I have tried so often to persuade Our Lord, to go and seek another soul, a more generous- a stronger one, but He seems to take pleasure in my confusion, in my weakness. – …… Now I do not fear, I leave myself completely in His Hands. He can dispose of me as He wishes.-
The way her spirit of surrender got stronger in that tough while of waiting, compels me to copy here a devotional song in Hindi (from an unknown source)-
तेरी शान तेरे जलाल को मैंने जब से दिल में बसा लिया।
मैंने सब चिराग बुझा दिए, तेरा इक चिराग जला लिया।।
मेरी हार तेरी ही हार है, मेरी जीत तेरी ही जीत है।
मैंने सौंपा तुझको वो सभी तूंने जो मुझको दिया।।
मुझे धूप छांव का गम नहीं, तेरे कांटे फूलों से कम नहीं।
मुझे जान से भी अज़ीज़ है जिस चमन से तेरा दिया लिया।।
तेरी आस ही मेरी आस है, तेरी धूल मेरा लिबास है।
अब तूं मुझे अपना बना भी ले मैंने तुझको अपना बना लिया।।
तेरी रहमतें बेहिसाब हैं, करूं किस जुबां से मैं शुक्रिया।
कभी मुझसे कोई खता हुई तूंने फिर से मुझको उठा लिया।।
मेरे सर पे साया है श्याम का, बस यह तसल्ली की बात है।
मैं इक तेरी नज़र से नहीं गिरा, मुझे हर नज़र ने गिरा दिया।।
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By VRINDAVAN“I pray for the things to come out in such a way – so as He would have all the pleasure, all the glory.”
[During the year very often I have been longing to be all for Jesus. I thought it was one of my many mad desires. … How can I? I have been and am very happy as Loreto Nun. To leave that what I love and expose myself to new labours and sufferings which will be great, to cling to and choose deliberately the hard things of Indian life- to cling to and choose loneliness and ignominy, uncertainty- and all because Jesus wants it- because something is calling me “to leave all and gather the few- to live His life – to do His work in India.” These thoughts were a cause of much suffering- but the voice kept on saying “wilt thou refuse.”
I tried to persuade our Lord that I would try to become a very fervent holy Loreto nun, a real victim but the answer came very clear again.
“I want Indian Missionary sisters of Charity who would be My fire of love amongst the very poor- the sick- the dying- the little street children. … ”
These words or rather this voice frightened me. I prayed long – I prayed so much- I asked our mother Mary to ask Jesus to remove all this from me. The more I prayed- the clearer grew the voice in my heart and so I prayed that He would do with me whatever He wanted. Pray for me that I would become a religious according to His heart.]
This was the first letter (January 13, 1947) that Mother Teresa addressed to the Archbishop of Calcutta about the Divine call she received on 10 September, 1946. She had expected an affirmative response to quickly come from her spiritual directors but it took her more than twenty months to receive the much needed ‘go ahead’.
“I find that if the work begins- there will be plenty of sufferings for me. – As I am, I am very happy and here especially – but Our Lord does not stop calling. – I have tried to stop these thoughts – but without any fruit. – I know everybody will speak against. – …. Now, I am His, only His – and I have given Him everything. – So if you say give up all thoughts, I shall try to obey.”
– (January 25, 1947)
This whole correspondence reveals the depth of her passion to immolate herself for her beloved Jesus as she wrote to the archbishop on March 30, 1947-
From my superiors down, I know they will laugh at me. They will think me of a fool, proud, mad etc. What if good God wants my name? I am His and His only- the rest has no hold on me. I can do without all the rest if I have Him. Fear not for me- nor for those who will join me- He will look after us. He will be with us. ….. He will do all. I, I am only a little instrument in His hands.
I feel sometimes afraid, for I have nothing, no brains, no learning, no qualities required for such a work, and yet I tell Him that my heart belongs completely to Him and Him alone. He can use me as it will please Him best. To please Him only is the joy I seek.–
Quite contrary to her anticipation, she was asked to ‘drop it for all eternity’. It was a dual trial for her as she considered every yes or no of her superiors as will of God only. She admitted after a couple of months –
“You told me not to think of the work.- Whenever the thoughts used to burn me with the longing to offer all – to be His victim in every word – I used to do violence to myself – and begged Him not to let those thoughts come because I wanted to obey – and like a Little Lamb, He uses to obey too. How often, how very often He complained of delays..”
Her fervor for Jesus compelled her to keep pleading-
“The life I want to live with my sisters, I know, will be a difficult one – both for European and Indian sisters. But nothing is difficult to one who loves. Who can outdo God in His generosity- if we poor human beings give Him everything and surrender our whole being to His service? – No- He is sure to stand by us, and with us, as everything in us will be His.” – (October 19, 1947)
“Forgive this child of Yours- who is longing with many desires to give up all to God. …… I am terribly unworthy of the many graces He has given me all these years, without any merit of mine, but please tell me, does the good God give these desires and not mean them to come true? It is now over one year that they came, they have increased with every Holy Mass and Holy Communion. Let me begin the life to which Our Lord is calling me.- Let me offer myself for the work He has chosen for me.” – (November 7, 1947)
The letter dated December 3, 1947 presents an additional account of Jesus’ forceful calling and her submission-
“My own little one- come-come-carry me into the holes of the poor. – Come be My light – I cannot go alone- they don’t know Me – so they don’t want me. You come- go amongst them, carry Me with you.- How I long to enter their holes – their dark unhappy homes. Come be their victim. – In your immolation – in your love for Me- they will see Me, know me, want me.
You are afraid. How your fear hurts me. – Fear not. – Even if the whole world is against you, laughs at you, your companions and Superiors look down on you, fear not- it is I in you, with you, for you.”
I answered – You know Jesus I am ready to go at a moment’s notice.
Why all this come to me- the most unworthy of His creatures- I do not know – and I have tried so often to persuade Our Lord, to go and seek another soul, a more generous- a stronger one, but He seems to take pleasure in my confusion, in my weakness. – …… Now I do not fear, I leave myself completely in His Hands. He can dispose of me as He wishes.-
The way her spirit of surrender got stronger in that tough while of waiting, compels me to copy here a devotional song in Hindi (from an unknown source)-
तेरी शान तेरे जलाल को मैंने जब से दिल में बसा लिया।
मैंने सब चिराग बुझा दिए, तेरा इक चिराग जला लिया।।
मेरी हार तेरी ही हार है, मेरी जीत तेरी ही जीत है।
मैंने सौंपा तुझको वो सभी तूंने जो मुझको दिया।।
मुझे धूप छांव का गम नहीं, तेरे कांटे फूलों से कम नहीं।
मुझे जान से भी अज़ीज़ है जिस चमन से तेरा दिया लिया।।
तेरी आस ही मेरी आस है, तेरी धूल मेरा लिबास है।
अब तूं मुझे अपना बना भी ले मैंने तुझको अपना बना लिया।।
तेरी रहमतें बेहिसाब हैं, करूं किस जुबां से मैं शुक्रिया।
कभी मुझसे कोई खता हुई तूंने फिर से मुझको उठा लिया।।
मेरे सर पे साया है श्याम का, बस यह तसल्ली की बात है।
मैं इक तेरी नज़र से नहीं गिरा, मुझे हर नज़र ने गिरा दिया।।