I am an oldest daughter and an oldest grandchild on one side of my family. My mother was barely seventeen years old when I was born. I have two sisters; one not quite two years younger than me, and the other almost twelve years younger. I also have four cousins who grew up next door to me, all younger than myself.

It might go without saying, but I was born to be a mother. From a very young age, there was never a doubt in my mind that I would have children. My patriarchal blessing also reinforced the idea that I would be a mother, and that I would be challenged by motherhood.

Even so, it came as a great surprise when I had my first baby that motherhood felt like frustration and anger so much. I hated the mother I was, especially because that first baby of mine was literally the best baby.

She had clear as a whistle cues when she was hungry, tired, and wet. She was such a happy baby and wicked-smart. She was using sign language at six months old. Sleeping through the night was a little difficult, but after sleep training her at six months she slept twelve hours a night from 7 pm to 7 am. And a 3 hour nap during the day!

She should have given me an easy transition to motherhood, but I’m pretty sure I had undiagnosed postpartum depression, so I was always upset about something. I hated myself for not being the mother I thought I would be: patient, loving, delighting over my child.

The truth is, my most salient models of motherhood acted exactly as I did: yelled, spanked, and withdrew when they were overwhelmed. It wasn’t until a decade later that I learned about the nervous system and trauma and realized those models were acting out of their own trauma, and I was following in their footsteps.

I learned about coaching because I wanted to be a better mother. I wanted to stop trying to control my children. I wanted to stop yelling at them, and my husband also joined me in that desire. I wanted to ENJOY my children. I wanted to love them better.

In order for me to do these things, I had to heal a lot within myself. It felt like a long, complicated path, but looking back it wasn’t so complicated. It was basically learning to truly feel. Of course there are things I learned about shame and about my nervous system that supported me in that journey.

But really, it’s simple. Learn to really feel, and lean on the Lord. That’s what healing is to me.

Thank you for being here. For reading or listening. I hope to tell you more about this journey I’ve been on, and maybe what I share will help others to become the mom they want to be.

xo,

Denita

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