To: Mom Podcast

Mother's Day just passed...and Beyonce's Mom Tina & Kelly Rowland posted the cutest video, featuring an off-camera cameo from Blue Ivy, B's daughter.

It was an adorable family moment, one of those America's Funniest Home Videos worthy moments (remember that show?) But someone retweeted it with a caption that left me shocked, and I guess you can say triggered.

In this episode, I discuss the obsession with adults wanting to punish children for being children, and why it's such a common theme in the Black community.

I received an invitation this week. Am I making a mistake?

Well, Christmas came and I didn't hear from the person I used to know as my mom. Can't say I'm surprised. However, I did hear from my dad, and he also sent me a gift.

Two months ago, as bizarre as it was to have the people I knew as parents drop into town with no notification, and not spending real quality time with me, just having a few hours together for dinner, the kid in me really thought this was a sign of things to come.

Boy, was I wrong.

There I was, typing away at work, having a great day and minding my business when I get a text from my Dad. 

He and my Mom are in town. 

I didn’t get a heads up. I had no way to plan or even mentally prepare. It’s been a year since I found out about my adoption and more than a year since I’ve seen my parents. 

I did see them. 

And now, I’m feeling even more conflicted than before. Unsure if I handled it the right way, and even more unsure of what to do with my feelings.

They say the truth hurts. I think that's an understatement.

So far during this podcast, I've discussed a lot of the physical and verbal abuse from my mom growing up. I never really had the bond that most of my friends have with their mom. I know a lot of people who travel with their mom, talk to her everyday, and feel like they are best friends. Even those who don't have the "best friend" relationship can at least rely on their mom to be there for them, even as adults. If they need general advice about a new job, they'd be able to get it without being lectured or told how weak they are for leaving an environment that isn't good for them. If they needed financial help with something, like a medical bill or college tuition. Most of all, if something was going on with their health, their mom would so whatever it takes to help solve their suffering.

In October 2018, I got a Facebook message from someone who said that I had "biological family" looking for me, specifically a mom and siblings. She said she knew where I was born, where I grew up, and that I deserved to know the truth about my life. She asked if it was ok if my oldest sister sent me a message on Facebook to connect. This would be a total surprise or even feel like a joke to most people who believed their biological parents had already raised them. The main reason I didn't hesitate to believe it is because of things my mom often said to me growing up. She's say stuff like, "I should have left you where you were" or randomly say that I had older siblings who lived in another state. I always thought she was just saying these things out of disappointment or just to bother me as usual. I had no idea she actually meant the things she was off-handedly saying to me in anger. I had no idea that this was me finally getting an answer to why my childhood was so toxic.

When I called to ask my parents about this, I definitely didn't get the reaction I expected. What I got was a lot of finger-pointing, blaming, and not a single feeling of remorse. It even took them a few days to admit the truth.

What hurt the most is knowing they intentionally kept this from me while I was being treated for migraines and chest pain. Since 2014, I've been in and out of urgent care centers and doctor's offices trying to figure it out. There was even a time I temporarily lost vision in one of my eyes during an episode. We tried different medications based off of the family information I was giving the doctors. I had even called and texted to confirm details of family medical history, and not once did they consider my life while continuing to lie to me. What if I had died based on a bad reaction to one of the medications? But none of that mattered to them because I was "never supposed to find out."

But it didn't end there. In learning about my biological family, I learned that I'm actually not the baby. I have a sister who is just a year younger than me. How could it have been so hard for my biological mother to give me up, how could it be that there wasn't a way for me to be a part of the family, but things suddenly changed a year later?

The day I found out about my adoption was one of the most freeing and one of the most heartbreaking days of my life. I still have a lot of questions, and I'm honestly not sure if I want to meet my biological family.

Listen to the full details.

Hurtful words normally come from strangers, or bullies, but should never come from your Mom. 

I remember being called ugly, stupid, and even telling me how I would die a an early age. 

But, she bought me clothes, and fed me, and changed my dirty diapers and made sure I looked nice and stuff, so that cancels it all out, right?

It's hard to accept that because of the damage done at an early age. Damage that follows you to you adult years. Damage that's a factor in nearly all of your failed relationships. 

In this episode, I shift from physical abuse to verbal abuse, and the impact her words still have on me at age 30. 

To: Mom, 

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can break my heart, my spirit, and my self-esteem.

In most abusive environments, there are usually several enablers who defend the perpetrator. They cover for the toxic individual, make excuses for their behavior, and do absolutely nothing to help the victim or change the situation. 

I learned this growing up as multiple people excused my mother and her verbal and physical abuse, when they should have been stepping up to protect me. One of my most memorable examples of this came when I was 14-years-old. My mother threw a metal hanger at my face for absolutely no reason. My eye swelled shut after the metal scraped my eyeball. Wanting out of the abusive household, I called 911. As the police were on their way, my mom called my aunt to come and help her. This aunt was someone I grew up admiring and thought was an honest person. She was a church leader, and evangelist and preacher, so this should absolutely be someone who will protect me, right?

Wrong. 

TW: sexual assault of a child

As children grow from innocent kids to smart teenagers and young adults, there’s often a lot of worry for parents about trust. Wondering if your son will come home before curfew without being called, or if your daughter is really going to a friend’s house and not sneaking to a party with drinking and drugs. Disappointment comes often as teens try to test the waters and see how far they can stretch, especially with social media influence and smartphone apps that make manipulation so much easier.

Young adults want to be trusted, too. They want to be able to grow up and spend time with their friends while proving that their parents have raised a child worthy of their trust–and parents want to feel this pride, as well. There’s a lot of pressure and focus on kids and young adults proving that they can be trusted, but shouldn’t children be able to trust their parents, too?

I mean, they are supposed to be the ultimate protector, and the ones who will come to their rescue when needed, right? Shouldn’t a child be able to feel safe with their lives in the hands of the adults who gave them life? Even if they make a mistake, shouldn’t parents be the safe haven to guide them in the right direction, so they learn how to be better decision-makers?

Some of the actionable ways parents can build trust with their child include active listening, setting the right example as an adult (not having a “do as I say, not as I do” attitude), and mutual respect for your child.

Sometimes this gets lots in the parent-child dynamic. That’s how it felt for me. There was so much focus on, “Do what I say exactly as I say it!” and “I’m the boss, you’re the kid” that I always focused on being the perfect child. I felt like a robot. There wasn’t any sort of mutual respect, I mean, they were the ones raising me and providing me with everything, so I needed to bow down while obeying everything they said at all times. They didn’t have to prove anything to me, no matter what sort of example was being given to me through verbal and physical abuse. And I learned early that I would never be able to trust my mother if things went wrong along the way, even as a victim.

There was a situation where I was in danger as a child, having been taken behind bleachers by another student in camp, where a teacher stopped a sexual assault. Instead of helping me through it, I was blamed further, and ridiculed by the person I was supposed to trust the most–my mother.

In this podcast, I’ll share the grim details, and how it affected me to the point of keeping many more secrets as a teen and in life in my early-20’s a result.