Go to any museum, historic monument, picturesque landscape, and there’s one growing trend you’re bound to observe (besides millennials wearing rolled up skinny jeans) – selfie sticks.  

Some years ago if I were to rant about selfie sticks, someone could accuse me of being racist towards Asians.  But like most technology in our American society, the Asians have successfully (and regrettably) incorporated the self-serving device known as selfie sticks.  And today, people of all ages, races, and creeds have utilized this stick to achieve a new level of self-awareness.

As if our smartphone culture wasn’t isolationist enough, the selfie stick ensures that we no longer have to stop looking at our phones, even when we’re in the midst of 4,000 year old ruins.  And it’s super simple to use.  While in the midst of something gorgeous or priceless, take a second to stop texting or scrolling Facebook, open up the camera app, place your phone into your selfie stick, extend it like a Go-Go-Gadget arm, and take a picture using the Bluetooth functionality.  Then quickly post it to Instagram, and while ignoring the priceless works of art or magnificent vistas as you continue meandering through the museum or national park trail, check how many likes you get on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.  

The selfie stick, also known as the plastic staff of narcissism, ensures that your social media audience sees your giant mellon eclipsing something really important and photo worthy.  I know, you want the world to know that you were there, because taking a picture of it and captioning it “I was here,” is just not proof enough.  

“Great photo of yourself with the Mona Lisa.”  But let’s state the obvious: if DaVinci wanted you in the picture, he would have painted you there.

There are really only two reasons why someone should ever use a selfie stick.  One is if you’re trying to take a picture of a place that’s hard to reach… like a hole where you think there might be a dangerous snake hiding, or over the edge of the volcano where your arm would get seared if you tried reaching over the crater.  If you have a fear of heights, the selfie stick could be used to capture that amazing shot without getting too close to the edge of the cliff.  Or if you’re  vertically challenged, you could raise your selfie stick to snap a picture above the heads of the crowd surrounding you.  In these cases, the camera should always be pointed away from you… because after all, the object that you’re trying to photograph isn’t you.  The only other reason to use the selfie stick is if you want to examine your backside to see if you have a hemorrhoid without the embarrassing task of asking someone else to examine it for you.  Other than that, you should never under any circumstance use a selfie stick for photography purposes.

On our most recent family vacation, everywhere we went, there were people coming up to us offering us “good price” for a selfie stick.  They’d keep repeating, “good price, good price,” as if the price would motivate me to purchase such an atrocity.  One person was so annoyingly persistent, that I briefly thought about buying one of his selfie sticks and breaking it in half in front of him to make a point.  

All of my family members knew how I felt about selfie sticks in no uncertain terms… except for my father , who apparently didn’t hear my ongoing rant.  So one day, while our family divided up to go explore Rome, my dad went on his own.  And I kid you not, he bought a selfie stick.  It turns out that while my extended family was zooming aro