Hibbster

Today is April 20, 2017.  Here’s your Shallot news rundown for the week.

Disclaimer: While parts of these stories are true (as sad as that may be), this is satire.

Today is March 30, 2017.  Here’s your Shallot news rundown for the week.

I realize that I live in a country that likes to spread its seed of democracy in the shell of a guided missile delivered by a F-16, so I know I’m treading on thin ice with this rant. But let’s be honest; democracy is overrated.

Now I’m not suggesting that a dictatorship is a better form of government for three reasons: Hitler, Stalin, and Castro. Nor am I suggesting that anarchy is better because Egypt and Libya have proven that a ruthless and corrupt dictator is in fact surprisingly better than the anarchy that follows the overthrowing of a tyrant. Yeah, it’s like playing a game of Would You Rather? Would you rather have a head the size of a tennis ball or the size of a watermelon? Except in this case it was, “Would you rather have a ruthless dictator with absolute power or a lot of ruthless people with marginal power?”

Democracy, which shields us from terrible scenarios like that, is obviously better. Like anarchy, democracy gives power to the people. In the case of anarchy, it’s survival of the fittest. In the case of democracy, it’s survival of the majority. Democracy places a bet that the majority will make the best decision for the whole. But here’s the rub: what if it doesn’t? What if the majority are wrong? What if they’re not wrong on purpose but just have a lot of misinformation or are generally uninformed?

Let’s welcome the United Kingdom to the conversation. After years of British politicians trashing the European Union and complaining that it was nothing but a burden on the UK, they suddenly found themselves backpedaling as a movement known as Brexit gained power and brought a referendum on the EU to a public vote. You see the EU to the British is like one of those ankle bracelets a kleptomaniac under house arrest would wear. It’s confining, but it really does serve a purpose for the common good of society, as well as to keep the would-be thief away from temptation. So the other day, the good people on the British isles voted 52% to 48% to leave the European Union. Now, us Americans (who sing about our independence, ironically to the tune of an English bar song, at the beginning of every sporting event mind you), we love the thought of a people gaining independence. So inherently, our first premonition is to cheer the British for this decision. Good job you jolly ole chap. It’s been 250 years, but you’re finally catching on.

But here’s the thing. The second the vote occurred, the entire British economy collapsed. Pro-Brexit people, who were tired of paying dues to the European Union, found themselves responsible for the equivalent of a $350 billion loss in the span of two hours. Ironically, that’s the same as 40 years of contributions to the EU. And everyone is shocked like, “We didn’t see this coming.” Wait a second. You’re telling me that you didn’t think that one of the world’s strongest economies doing something so drastic wasn’t going to cause a transAtlantic, economic tsunami? If Jim Cramer, the host of MSNBC’s stock market show “Mad Money,” scratches his nose while talking about a company, its stock tanks. How in the world did y

Go to any museum, historic monument, picturesque landscape, and there’s one growing trend you’re bound to observe (besides millennials wearing rolled up skinny jeans) – selfie sticks.  

Some years ago if I were to rant about selfie sticks, someone could accuse me of being racist towards Asians.  But like most technology in our American society, the Asians have successfully (and regrettably) incorporated the self-serving device known as selfie sticks.  And today, people of all ages, races, and creeds have utilized this stick to achieve a new level of self-awareness.

As if our smartphone culture wasn’t isolationist enough, the selfie stick ensures that we no longer have to stop looking at our phones, even when we’re in the midst of 4,000 year old ruins.  And it’s super simple to use.  While in the midst of something gorgeous or priceless, take a second to stop texting or scrolling Facebook, open up the camera app, place your phone into your selfie stick, extend it like a Go-Go-Gadget arm, and take a picture using the Bluetooth functionality.  Then quickly post it to Instagram, and while ignoring the priceless works of art or magnificent vistas as you continue meandering through the museum or national park trail, check how many likes you get on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.  

The selfie stick, also known as the plastic staff of narcissism, ensures that your social media audience sees your giant mellon eclipsing something really important and photo worthy.  I know, you want the world to know that you were there, because taking a picture of it and captioning it “I was here,” is just not proof enough.  

“Great photo of yourself with the Mona Lisa.”  But let’s state the obvious: if DaVinci wanted you in the picture, he would have painted you there.

There are really only two reasons why someone should ever use a selfie stick.  One is if you’re trying to take a picture of a place that’s hard to reach… like a hole where you think there might be a dangerous snake hiding, or over the edge of the volcano where your arm would get seared if you tried reaching over the crater.  If you have a fear of heights, the selfie stick could be used to capture that amazing shot without getting too close to the edge of the cliff.  Or if you’re  vertically challenged, you could raise your selfie stick to snap a picture above the heads of the crowd surrounding you.  In these cases, the camera should always be pointed away from you… because after all, the object that you’re trying to photograph isn’t you.  The only other reason to use the selfie stick is if you want to examine your backside to see if you have a hemorrhoid without the embarrassing task of asking someone else to examine it for you.  Other than that, you should never under any circumstance use a selfie stick for photography purposes.

On our most recent family vacation, everywhere we went, there were people coming up to us offering us “good price” for a selfie stick.  They’d keep repeating, “good price, good price,” as if the price would motivate me to purchase such an atrocity.  One person was so annoyingly persistent, that I briefly thought about buying one of his selfie sticks and breaking it in half in front of him to make a point.  

All of my family members knew how I felt about selfie sticks in no uncertain terms… except for my father , who apparently didn’t hear my ongoing rant.  So one day, while our family divided up to go explore Rome, my dad went on his own.  And I kid you not, he bought a selfie stick.  It turns out that while my extended family was zooming aro

I just got back from an amazing Mediterranean cruise, and one of my stops happened to be the historic city of Athens.  We owe a lot of our world to this Greek capital like philosophy, the Olympics, architecture, gyros smothered in tzatziki sauce, but there’s one negative thing (in my opinion) that the Greeks gave us (besides their current financial status), and that is the marathon.  

The legend of the origin of the marathon goes something like this… After the battle of Marathon in 490 BC, a Greek fighter and messenger named Philippides ran from the city of Marathon to Athens to announce that he and his fellow soldiers had successfully defeated the Persians.  It is said that he ran the entire distance of about 25 miles without stopping and burst into the assembly exclaiming, “we have won!” And then he collapsed and died.

That’s right, the first man to run the marathon was actually killed by it, which supports my belief that running is bad for your health.  If it killed a Greek soldier, well then, who am I, with my mediocre physique, to tempt fate?  

I heard the other day that New Delhi, India is so polluted that running a marathon there is equivalent to smoking 8,600 cigarettes.  That report came from NPR, so you know it means that it was (a) true and (b) researched by a Prius-driving Democrat, whom I can assume also wants us to reduce our exhaling carbon emissions.  Who am I to argue with Al Gore on a lift machine?  But just think about this for a second – eight thousand-six hundred cigarettes in the span of a few hours.  That even makes the Marlboro man’s cowboy boots shrivel.  And we’re talking about New Delhi where they burn plastic bottles filled with coal just to make the sky darker.  In 490 BC, the Greek soldier Philippides ran in probably the most pristine air conditions, and he still died.

So science has spoken, running is bad for your health.  But I’m the biassed guy that’s just going to take science at its word here and not argue with the facts, because truth be told, I hate running.  I don’t mind getting some exercise by chasing a soccer ball around a rectangular field for a few minutes.  But I hate running, because, well, it’s boring.  Now, I cycle, but cycling is different than running because a good ride is like 50 miles, and you can see a lot in 50 miles.  A century ride is kind of like a cyclist’s marathon, and imagine how much you can see in 100 miles.  But running?  It’s so slow.  If I wasn’t subjecting my body to a whole lot of pain, I’d probably just fall asleep.  Instead of running 26 miles, why not park your car like a mile away, run to it, then go for a 24 mile drive and then park your call another mile away from your house?  At least then you’ll see a bit of the world, instead of running where you see the front side of the tree and five minutes later, you see the backside.  I know… really stimulating!

The second reason I hate running is because, well, it hurts.  I mean think about it.  Every step, you are lifting your entire body into negative gravity and then driving it back down into the ground with incredible force.  Every bone, ligament, and organ is getting jostled around like a gold-plated el camino in an early 1990s hip hop video.  Every step, my brain is saying, “Dude, this sucks.”  And I tell it, “But just another mile.”  And then my body says, “Dude, this is painful.”  And so I negotiate and say, “Okay, how about a half mile more.”  And then my brain is like, “Really?  You know we could just stop and sit on a couch.”  And that’s when I say, “Yeah, you’re right.  Let’s just do a quarter mile and call it a day.”

I have a friend, who runs every morning, once tell me that some

When it comes to the kitchen, I consider myself a creative amateur.  I’m like the 12 year old that offers to fix dad’s ailing engine and then proceeds to use a whole lot of duct tape.  When I cook, I tend to do some impromptu experimenting like they do in that food network show – Chopped, but if I ever had to compete, I’m sure I’d be the first contestant eliminated.  

Eggplant – is that a meat, or a vegetable, or an antelope’s uterus.

I digress.

I tell you this because I want you to understand that I’m competent (not confident…competent) around the kitchen.  But there’s one thing that embarrasses me like the climbing rope does to a scrawny 6th grader in gym class.  And that is Tupperware.

Without fail, every time I go to put away leftovers, the Tupperware drawer befuddles me.  Once I find the perfect container to store the leftovers, I then dig through all the plastic pieces, searching for its perfect lid mate, frantically swiping left and right like a desperate man using Tinder on a Saturday night.

Maybe this will fit.  No.  Okay, maybe this one.  Nope, I’m wrong again.  I’m wrong like a dozen times.  And the worst part is, I’ve already put the food in the container, so I’m kind of pot committed, you know.  That’s the perfect size for the food, and I’m not just going to soil a dish without giving it the old college try.  The lid is somewhere.  It’s gotta be, I say as I dig through the drawer like a squirrel burying an acorn in the dirt.

The worst part is that with Tupperware, close doesn’t count.  Nope, it has to be an exact match.  That Rubbermaid lid looks like it would be the perfect fit on that plastic storage container that came with your General Tso’s chicken, but you can push all you want, it ain’t gonna snap on.  They’re like Legos.  You know how your mom tried to cheat and buy you the cheap knock-off Legos and tell you they were the real deal?  Well, you figure out pretty quickly when the holes are like fractions of a millimeter off.  It’s like Shaq swatting your feeble layups.  Nope, don’t bring that knock-off stuff in here.  My tupperware mocks me.

So here’s my question.  You know how we standardize everything in this country?  We standardize measurements.  We’ve even come up with our own stupid illogical English measurements (but that’s for another day).  We standardize tests.  We standardize liquids like milk, wine, and gasoline.  We standardize building codes.  So why the heck can’t we standardize tupperware sizes?  Can someone explain that to me?

I’m not stupid.  I know the answer.  It’s because if I have to buy your collection of tupperware, then I’m trapped in your plastic ecosystem.  The second I switch, well, all bets are off that I’m going to find the matching lid.  And because tupperware lasts a long time, maybe companies switch sizes to force you to buy whole new sets.  So when your lid melts in the dishwasher, you’ve got to buy the 2016 5-piece set.  It’s kind of like how car companies discontinue certain parts and force you to buy new cars.  What your window doesn’t work?  Well, they discontinued that size, so I guess you have to buy a whole new car.   It’s a smart business model for making money.

But it’s also stupid, because everyday it makes me look foolish in front of my 5 year old.  As I start throwing pieces of plastic and ranting about how tupperware is the antichrist.  It’s gotten to the point that when I walk down the tupperware aisle in the grocery store, I want to smash my jar of olives on the floor.  Clean up in aisle 13.  Well, I guess no one’s going to be getting to the tupperware anytime soon.

Unfortunately, we’re having a presidential election.  And that’s unfortunate for a number of reasons, but most of all, it’s unfortunate because candidates are talking about building walls and giving kids free college, but the thing that nobody has mentioned is standardize