TonioTimeDaily

"1. Get tested. Often.

Porn performers know their STI status at all times, and they’re not afraid to talk about it. In the adult entertainment industry, testing is the primary tool used for the prevention of STIs, and porn performers maintain that it’s the single most important part of their sexual health toolbox.

Getting tested can be scary for those of us who aren’t used to it. Jessica Drake, a sex educator and adult performer, director, and producer, urges, “Please don't let fear get in the way of getting tested.” Her rationale? The more you do it, the less frightening it becomes. And porn stars know—they do it all the time.

The adult industry testing program FSC-PASS was developed in 2011 after an earlier testing system became defunct. “PASS was developed so that there would be a secure, online database that would list the availability of performers for work,” says Mike Stabile, a spokesperson for the Free Speech Coalition, the national trade association for the adult industry, which facilitates the PASS system.

“It partners with different clinics across the country to provide rapid STI testing, [and] it allows anyone—a performer, a producer, an agent—to log in and see if the person they are working with or looking to hire has a current ‘clear’ test,” he says. “All performers who work within PASS need to be tested for a full-slate of STIs every 14 days.”

And even among performers who aren't working in PASS, there is a "common courtesy and unwritten law" of a 14-day testing period, according to adult performer Brett Rossi. For the most part, every performer in the industry has been tested for trichomoniasis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, hepatitis B or C, syphilis, or HIV within two weeks of going on camera.

And here’s the thing: Strict testing works. “Because of the PASS system, there has not been an onset transmission of HIV in over a decade," Vegas says.

2. Don’t wait to get tested.

“Get tested! Even if you trust your partner or don't think you have anything, get tested,” says Riley Reyes, an adult performer, activist, and Vice President of the Adult Performer Advocacy Committee (APAC).

A lot of STIs don't show any symptoms, or lie dormant for long periods of time between tests. “Most STIs are spread unwittingly by a person who doesn't realize they have anything,” Reyes adds.

If you wait until you show symptoms of an STI, you’ve already waited too long. “The longer you go without being tested and the more partners you have, the chances of you walking around with an STI, not knowing and spreading it are much higher,” Rossi says. “Be smart, get tested.”

“In the general public people test very infrequently—often only after they detect symptoms—which means that infections have a much better chance of spreading,” Stabile says.

Because they know all of this, some porn performers test even more frequently than the PASS system requires. “I get tested probably every 10 days,” Rossi says. “I also try to get tested earlier than the 14-day expectation to avoid any mishaps and get treated sooner if I should be exposed to an STI."

Self-destructive behavior is when you do something that’s sure to cause self-harm, whether it’s emotional or physical. Some self-destructive behavior is more obvious, such as:

There are also more subtle forms of self-sabotage. You may not realize you’re doing it, at least on a conscious level. Examples of this are:

The frequency and severity of these behaviors vary from person to person. For some, they’re infrequent and mild. For others, they’re frequent and dangerous. But they always cause problems.

Self-destructive behavior was first studied in 1895 by Freud and Ferenczi when they first recognized how traumatic experiences affected the development of children. Freud and Ferenczi noticed that children who were raised in an unhealthy environment were more often the ones to act out and take part in self-destructive behavior.

Freud concluded that self-destructive behavior is influenced by one's ego or superego and aggression. Depending on how strongly influenced one is, it will increase the intensity of one's destructive behavior. Guilt is a leading factor for one's superego. For instance, growing up with alcoholic parents can increase one's self-destructive behavior because they feel guilty that they didn't provide them with the help they needed. Since they failed to help their parents overcome these obstacles, they feel as if their parents failed because of them. Then, they use harming themselves as a coping mechanism to their guilt and failure.

Freud additionally states that the aggression in self-destructive behavior is influenced by a personal motive. Just as cultural and environmental factors can play an important role of this, social factors can as well. For example, say a child was bullied all through middle school, the way to get rid of his pain the child would take action in self-destructive behavior, such as self-harm or yelling.

With investigations Freud and Ferenczi formed a hypothesis that people with self-destructive behavior suffer from "forbidden fantasies, not memories," meaning that since the action isn't supposed to be done, self-destructive people get a stronger drive to take part in these actions.

Self-destructive behavior comes in many different forms that varies from person to person."

"Compassion fatigue, also known as second-hand shock and secondary stress reaction, describes a type of stress that results from helping or wanting to help those who are traumatized or under significant emotional duress.

Although compassion fatigue is sometimes called burnout, it is a slightly different concept. Unlike burnout, compassion fatigue is highly treatable and may be less predictable. The onset of compassion fatigue can be sudden, whereas burnout usually emerges over time. Additionally, severe cases of burnout sometimes require the person experiencing it to change jobs or occupations, but often measures can be taken to prevent or treat compassion fatigue before a change in work environment is required.

Compassion fatigue can be a precursor or a symptom of other stressors. Because therapists are trained to utilize compassion and empathy in order for therapy to be effective, they are particularly vulnerable to emotional stress and compassion fatigue. For therapists, compassion fatigue can have ethical and legal implications if left untreated, especially if they are providing therapeutic services that are not benefiting those under their care in therapy.

Compassion fatigue can take a physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional toll on people who experience it. Common symptoms of compassion fatigue include:

"I am a member of the sex-positive feminism movement, I am a member of the sex-positive movement, and I am into sex-positivity." - Antonio Myers

  "1. Liking Sex

If sex positivity were as simple as enjoying sex, there’d be a lot more sex-positive people. Alas, it’s not that easy.

Plenty of people who love sex nevertheless judge and shame other people for the way they have sex.

Plenty of people who love sex are queerphobic and transphobic, and that’s not compatible with any sex positivity I want anything to do with. Plenty of people who love sex coerce others into having sex with them, which proves that they don’t really believe that others should get to do what they want with their own bodies and sex lives.

As sex educator Charlie Glickman writes, “The fact that someone enjoys sex doesn’t necessarily mean that they can honor and celebrate sexual choices and practices that they don’t do.”

On the flip side, the fact that liking sex isn’t synonymous with sex positivity also means that you can be sex-positive without liking sex at all – as long as you support people who do. Disliking or being uninterested in sex is part of the spectrum of human sexuality, so any sex positivity worth its salt affirms that.

If sex positivity isn’t the same as liking sex, it’s especially not the same as thinking everyone should like sex.

People have all sorts of reasons for being disinterested in, scared of, or repulsed by sex, and all of those reasons are valid – even if they don’t make sense to you.

Unfortunately, some people think that sex positivity is about introducing everyone to the joys of sex, whether they’re interested or not. To these folks, you can’t be sex positive if you’re not (happily) sexually active, and if you don’t want to be, you must have “internalized sex negativity.”

While internalized sex negativity is absolutely a thing – for instance, when we feel shame over how little or how much we have sex – everyone doesn’t have to like sex in order for us to create a truly sex positive culture.

Some people worry that they can’t be truly sex-positive if they have sexual boundaries, such as being uncomfortable with being called certain words by a partner or with having sex in certain positions.

If I’m really sex-positive, they wonder, shouldn’t I explore different ways of having sex and expand my comfort zone?

Sure – if that’s something you want. You don’t have to do it for anyone else, or for the sake of claiming a label.

And even the most sexually adventurous people have boundaries of some sort, and most people who think they have no sexual boundaries at all are simply unaware of where those boundaries lie.

That’s why the scariest thing I can hear from a partner when I ask them what they’re interested in is “Anything you want!” (Really? Anything?)

Knowing your boundaries and doing your best to articulate them clearly to your partner(s) is among the most sex-positive things you can do. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth doing."

"What is Dogma?

"Humanism teaches us to “Humanize” each other. Humans are social animals, like chimps, dolphins, whales, and other higher forms of life. As such, we have evolved the need to feel empathy, concern, and compassion for our fellow human because we, as a group, survive longer when we care about each other and gather resources as a group." Humanization is the antidote to hate because it inoculates against prejudice and hostile out grouping including bullying, sexism, racism, misogyny, ageism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, and xenophobia." "What is Humanism? Humanism is the basis for morality and the antidote to hate. It is the philosophy that we as humans can create and live by a shared morality based on the goal of decreasing suffering and improving people’s lives via improving society and each other. It’s all the stuff we all already agree is good." 

"However, the same evolutionary forces that gave us empathy and sympathy for each other also gave us “out grouping” - that is, tribalism. When a tribe competes for resources as a tribe, everyone in the tribe benefits, but they benefit more if they don’t care about taking resources from competing tribes, even if those competing tribes suffer and die as a result. In other words, it’s easier to live when a tribe has cohesiveness in and internal compassion, but sees the other tribes as less than human and does not regard them with the same care."

This link best explains my religious views: https://agnostic.com/humanism/intro

You might picture a romantic relationship as two people committed exclusively to one another — also known as monogamy.

Consensual non-monogamy, on the other hand, involves relationships with more than one person, with the consent of everyone involved.

Polyamory is just one of the ways to practice consensual non-monogamy. You may have also heard of other forms, like open relationships and swinging.

So, are polyamorous people “cheating” on their partners? Nope. But this is a common misconception.

Cheating includes deception and betrayal, like if you and your partner have agreed not to have sex with other people, but your partner breaks that promise.

People aren’t polyamorous because they’re unhappy about committing to a relationship.

In fact, one research study showed no difference in relationship satisfaction between people who are monogamous or consensually non-monogamous.

Commitment for monogamous people can mean expressing love by putting time, trust, and respect for shared agreements into a relationship with another person.

Commitment for a polyamorous relationship could mean the same — just with a different set of agreements.

If having threesomes all the time sounds exhausting to you, then you should know that plenty of polyamorous people would agree with you.

While polyamory can include sexual relationships with more than one person, it’s not about having sex with multiple people at the same time.

For example, a woman might have sexual relationships with two different men, but enjoy sex with only one of them at a time.

Polyamory is defined as practicing or being open to intimate relationships with more than one person.

Dating as a polyamorous person means you’re not looking for just one person to share a romantic or sexual connection with.

Just like monogamous couples, polyamorous people need to be able to trust one another.

Some ways they might build trust include communicating about new partners, practicing safe sex, and keeping promises.

While there’s a popular idea that polyamory is all about sex, some polyamorous people joke that it’s more about talking about your feelings than anything else… because it’s kind of true.

Open, honest, and frequent communication is essential for maintaining multiple relationships in a healthy way.

Of course, you can’t have consensual non-monogamy without consent.

For most people, polyamory isn’t simply a “free for all” to do whatever you want.

Taking on new partners, engaging in new sex acts, and entering new commitments all requires consent for everyone involved.

If someone considers your feelings unimportant, then a monogamous relationship with them isn’t going to work. The same goes for polyamory.

It isn’t just about respecting your partner’s feelings to be with someone else. Respecting other people — including your partners’ partners — is key."

"Orgasm equity is apart of my sexual relationships!" -Antonio Myers

“You seem like a very sexual person.”

A few years ago, I probably would’ve said “yes, I am” in response to this comment from someone I’d recently met and told I write about sex and relationships.

In fact, I used to self-identify as “a very sexual person” – until I realized that’s what we call women just for being sexual, period.

I get a lot of comments like this for doing nothing out of the ordinary. People have assumed I have a ton of sex just because I admit to enjoying sex, that I’m super kinky because I own sex toys, and that I’m into casual sex because I talk about sexuality.

When people call me “a very sexual person,” what they’re really saying is that they didn’t expect me to be sexual at all. So, any level of sexuality I express seems high to them.

A whole lot of sexist and heteronormative assumptions go into that reaction, since it’s based on a binary view of gender and sexuality that says men are sexual predators, women are prey, and sex exclusively occurs between men and women. While I don’t subscribe to this view, this article will be addressing it, since it affects how people treat me.

Here are a few myths about openly sexual women that lead to comments like “you seem like a very sexual person.”

One of the biggest myths about openly sexual women is that we just don’t exist. Yet many women and gender minorities are sexual beings, just like many men are. (Some are asexual, but then again, some men are.)

Our view of women as less sexual stems from our view of women as less human. Men are supposedly subjects of desire, while women are just objects of it. This applies not just to sexual desires but also to other desires, like the desire for career success or food.

Though desire is depicted as unfeminine, it’s really not related to gender.

If it seems like women are less sexual than men, maybe that’s because we’re not socially permitted to be. One study found that when women were told they would have a positive experience and not be judged, they were just as interested in casual sex as men.

Yet women still seem to make headlines just for admitting to having sexual desires. I once ended up in The Daily Mail simply for stating that I could simultaneously be interested in sex and wait until I was in a relationship to do it (and “insisting” my partners respect that).

Even if I didn’t have any sex, that wouldn’t make me less sexual either. You can be sexual in whatever way you want, even if it’s just in your thoughts and feelings. And contrary to what we’re taught, a woman does not need a man to make her a sexual being."

"In the entire first Christian century Jesus is not mentioned by a single Greek or Roman historian, religion scholar, politician, philosopher or poet. His name never occurs in a single inscription, and it is never found in a single piece of private correspondence. Zero! Zip references." New Testament scholar Bart Erhman

"I don’t hate the flesh and blood Jesus who walked the dusty roads of Palestine, nor do I hate the Jesus found in the pages of the Bible. These Jesuses are relics of the past. I’ll leave it to historians to argue and debate whether these Jesuses were real or fiction. Over the centuries, Christians have created many Jesuses in their own image. This is the essence of Christianity, an ever-evolving religion bearing little resemblance to what it was even a century ago.

The Jesus I hate is the modern, Western Jesus, the American Jesus, the Jesus who has been a part of my life for almost fifty-eight years. The Jesuses of bygone eras have no power to harm me, but the modern Jesus – the Jesus of the three hundred thousand Christian churches that populate every community in America – he has the power to affect my life, hurt my family, and destroy my country.  And I, with a vengeance, hate him.

This Jesus drives fancy cars, has palaces and cathedrals, and followers who spare no expense to make his house the best mansion in town. This Jesus loves Rolexes, Lear jets, and expensive suits. This Jesus sees the multitude and turns his back on them, only concerned with those who say and believe “the right things.” It is this Jesus I hate.

This Jesus owns condominiums constructed just for those who believe in him. When they die, he gives them the keys. But, for the rest of humanity, billions of people, this Jesus says no keys for you. I have a special Hitler-like plan for you. To the ovens you go, only unlike the Jews, I plan to give you a special body that allows me to torture you with fire and brimstone forever. It is this Jesus I hate.

It is this Jesus who looks at Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, Atheists, Agnostics, Deists, Universalists, Secularists, Humanists, and Skeptics, and says to them before you were born I made sure you could never be in the group that gets the condominiums when they die. This Jesus says, and it is your fault, sinner man. It is this Jesus who made sure billions of people were born into cultures that worshiped other Gods. It is this Jesus who then says it is their fault they were born at the wrong place, at the wrong time. Too bad, this Jesus says, burn forever in the Lake of Fire. It is this Jesus I hate." -Bruce Gerencser

"I agree with Bart and Bruce!" - Antonio Myers

"When I first walked into a therapist’s office when I was 18-years-old, I had one goal and one goal only: “I just want to be happy,” I said.

Up until that point, I couldn’t really remember what that felt like. I didn’t know at the time that I had obsessive-compulsive disorder (as it turns out, it runs in the family) and that my near-constant state of guilt, panic, and rumination wasn’t actually the way most brains operate.

I thought happiness was the whole point of this “mental health” thing. So I became something of an emotional hypochondriac — if I wasn’t happy, something was wrong.

Suddenly my very human experiences like sadness, anger, and anxiety were all “problems” that needed to be “fixed.” I had this unreasonable expectation that, if I worked hard enough, I could minimize the presence of every other emotion to become capital-h “Happy.”

That’s not exactly the healthiest mindset, if you really think about it.

Ask anybody what they want out of life, and they’ll probably tell you the same thing I told my therapist all those years ago — it’s about being happy, isn’t it?

So we set ourselves up for failure. We internalize this idea that life is about sustaining something that can’t actually be sustained… but we pretend that, with the right attitude, it can be.

And then we wonder why we keep getting let down. It just doesn’t leave room for the whole spectrum of emotions every one of us is going to feel.

The thing is, if our goals for therapy (or recovery, generally, or even life) are setting us up for failure, they aren’t really serving us. In fact, they’re probably going to discourage us. This becomes doubly true when we’re talking about marginalized people, where societal circumstances basically make it impossible to be happy all of or even most of the time.

And if your goal for therapy is impossible? You might give up before you ever get to the good stuff.

The really paradoxical thing about mental health recovery is that the goals that lend themselves to happiness usually aren’t about happiness at all, at least directly. A lot of people find that the less they focus on “being happy,” the more they’re able to make changes that contribute to their happiness.

Being happy with greater frequency and intensity just becomes this weird (and totally cool) side effect. At least, it was for me."

"Years ago ― well everything is years ago now ― I helped my father-in-law start a church. One day, the infant of one of our church families died suddenly. It was ruled as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Weeks after the death, the grieving father came to my father-in-law and confessed that he had shaken the baby to death. My father-in-law came to me and asked what he should do since the man told him this in confidence. I told him he had to report it to the police. He did, and the man went to prison.

When I was counseling people, I made it clear that if they were going to confess to abuse or a felony, I was obligated to report it. I have never believed that what is said in confidence must always remain so. When a young man confessed to me that he had murdered his girlfriend, I encouraged him to turn himself in, and then I let the police know what he had told me. I later gave a sworn affidavit in the case, Fortunately, the man pleaded guilty and I did not have to testify. 

Granted, these are exceptional circumstances. The people I pastored knew that they could trust me with their secrets. As long as their secrets didn’t involve abuse or a felony, the secrets were safe with me. People often have a need to unburden themselves of past actions and “sins,” and they do so by talking to a pastor or a priest or a good friend. When people write me and tell me their stories I always let them know that their correspondence with me will be kept confidential. However, if they confess to murdering their spouse or molesting a child, I would report it immediately,

This does not make me a saint. However, when it comes to dealing with abuse and helping those who have been abused, I am always on the side of the abused. My mother was sexually abused as a child by her father, raped by a brother-in-law, and sexually molested by a Christian psychiatrist (and they all got away with it). I have a dear family member who was sexually abused by her IFB father. (her abuser has been in prison for over 20 years). Add to this the horror stories I heard while counseling church members and the emails I now receive from people who have been abused. I hope you will forgive me if I am passionate about this issue.

As far as I am concerned, it is quite simple for churches or pastors when it comes to how to handle allegations of abuse. REPORT IT IMMEDIATELY. Then take the necessary steps to make sure that abuse does not happen in the future. It is tragic that some churches are magnets for sexual predators. In these churches, lt seems that every few years a church member, pastor, deacon, youth pastor, bus worker, or a Sunday School teacher is being accused of abuse.  Perhaps churches such as these should be forced to have the equivalent of what we have here in Ohio for drunk drivers. Some judges require people convicted of DUI to get yellow license plates. Perhaps repeat offender churches need some sort of yellow license plate that warns the public that the church has been a haven for abusers or predators."