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And we had fun.

No divine judgment, no personal judgment–it was a learning experience and certainly different than I expected. Having since gotten married, I can confidently say this: I have no regrets. Those things many of us grew up believing, that sex before a heterosexual marriage would hurt us in some way, hurt our partners, or reduce the meaning of marriage–it was all a lie.

When you honor the body of another and they honor yours, when you participate in the weird, wonderful thing that is sex in all its many forms, you’re doing what is good and right. Insofar as you honor your boundaries and those of another, you’re participating in our collective liberation.

I’m here to tell you something fairly liberating: If you’re on the fence about sex or living in a cycle of shame, take stock of what you’re feeling . Are you violating your own boundaries? Is someone else violating yours? How are you respecting your feelings? Is your sexuality something you deem good? Is your autonomy worth celebrating Work through these things. Talk about them! Don’t bottle up your shame–that’s an unjust way of treating yourself. Make space for your questions, your insecurities, and live in the flow of your own goodness.

I believe in a liberated sexuality, one that elevates humanity and imperfection in the name of shared experiences. Sometimes sex is good, sometimes it’s not, and you’ll probably make some mistakes, but I’m not here to outline a thorough ethic of human sexuality: I’m here to tell you that your sexuality is good.

Very good.

A Christian sexual ethic can be fully liberated and inclusive even while individuals maintain varying levels of boundaries. Whether you personally would prefer to wait until a monogamous partnership or you consensually engage with multiple partners, your boundaries are your own! Love them, respect them, and do the same for others.

An ethic of shame hurts you–it hurt me, and it took some work to find my way toward sexual wholeness.

Jesus promised life abundant–life that is full, rich, and satisfying. Your sexuality is a part of that! Have sex. Masturbate. Do all the things safely, healthily, and consensually. Your faith compels you to honor your body as a temple! Keep up with your own sexual health with services like STD Check, research proper sex education, and find avenues whereby your concerns can be addressed. Respect your partner(s) enough to urge they do likewise.

Sex is altogether simple and endlessly complex–don’t let the injustice of shame steal your fucking joy."

"A spotlight is switched on whenever an abuse survivor steps forward to tell others how institutional leaders mishandled their sexual abuse disclosure. Spotlights that shine light into dark places are seldom welcomed by those responsible for the darkness. These spotlights come in many different forms and sizes. Some are media reports or articles, while others take the form of lawsuits and criminal cases. In recent years, many survivors have been empowered to turn a blog or a Facebook page into bright and stubborn spotlight. A few years ago, I learned of a faith institution whose leaders had failed miserably when learning that children under its care had been sexually and physically abused. Years later, a handful of these children who were now adults privately confronted the leaders about how their failure to respond had devastated the lives of so many who had been abused. The leaders expressed concern and promised to “look into it”. After two years of empty lip service, the survivors realized that the leaders had little or no plans to do anything. The sad reality was that as long as these conversations remained private, many of the survivors believed that the leaders had nothing to lose by dragging it out as long as possible with the hope that they would simply go away. Instead of continuing the endless and fruitless private dialogue, these brave young adults decided to turn on a spotlight in the form of a public blog that exposes the horrors committed by offenders and the ongoing failures by the institutional leaders to properly respond to these crimes. Over time, this spotlight grew brighter as it reached more and more people around the world. Suddenly, empty lip service was no longer a viable response as the institution no longer controlled a private narrative."

I am uncovering more causes of my unchurched lifestyle.

Everyone’s path to healing is unique. Recent years have seen an uptick in counselors and therapists familiar with the repercussions of being raised in purity culture, and many have been there themselves. Some approaches to recovery from this brand of sexual shame involve traditional psychotherapy, while other methods take a less conventional approach. I found healing through a combination of the two.

I was in therapy for nearly three years following my departure from faith. Therapy helped me work through a lot of the anxiety I had around dating and sex, encouraging me to explore and maintain healthy boundaries as I did so. Another way I found healing was far less expected. Through an unlikely string of events, I started working as an actress and model when I was 17. When I was 18, and still reeling from ending my betrothal to Luke, I accepted the offer of a topless modeling job. I was fully aware that I was in no small way rebelling against purity culture. Rebellion, I learned, can sometimes be good medicine.

During the photoshoot, something happened to me. Something good. While I stood under black and blue lights, almost completely naked, and while the male photographer was shooting me and making me feel safe, I made a conscious decision: that I would let my inhibitions go as I had never let them go before. And there in that dark, safe space, staring straight into the camera lens, I felt something come over me that I had never felt before. I felt power. And what is power if not an opposite of shame?

The first thing many women do when they leave religious purity culture is rebel against it. Amish girls on Rumspringa might have boudoir photos taken. Women who leave the FLDS church might cut their hair and wear makeup. Ex-Muslim women might trade their burqas for bikinis. Reclaiming power takes many forms, and some may dismiss these actions as juvenile, as an understandable yet overreactive bucking of authority. I think the motive behind many such rebellions is far deeper, far more profound, and sacredly beautiful. These actions are often not only symbols of defiance. They also are symbols of deliverance, of liberation, and the fierce proclamation of self-ownership. We are more than rebels. We are healers, finding wholeness through the uninhibited embrace of our sensuality."

"Christians will go to great lengths to get God to consent to their prejudices. It’s actually quite astounding and equally sad.

Every day I watch and read fellow followers of Jesus attempting to use Scripture to discriminate against, marginalize, and condemn people who identify as LGBTQ. They engage in the most protracted, passionate, theological gymnastics, arrogantly and confidently tossing out chapter-and-verse grenades in an effort to make the case that God has a problem with being gay and that the Bible is proof. They do this with great authority, unwavering confidence, and very little tolerance for dissent.

This is one of the most irresponsible things Christians have ever done.

In truth, only a literal handful of the Bible’s 31,102 verses mention what could be translated as homosexuality (an English word first coined in 1946), and in even those few cases the reference is solely to a sexual act, never to anything remotely resembling what we understand as gender identity or sexual orientation. The reason for this is quite simple: such complex ideas were beyond the grasp of the writers, just as the shape of the planet or the inner workings of the human body or the nature of gravity were. This is understandable. They had no knowledge of how the brain worked and so they could only observe behavior and imagine that was the extent of sexual identity.

This is the greatest flaw in attempting to use the Bible to address the intricacies of human sexuality—that it is woefully inadequate for that specific task. The Bible did not drop from the sky and it isn’t a product of Divine dictation where God took over the faculties of the author. It is a sprawling library of 66 books, orally preserved and then written down over hundreds of years by dozens of disparate and largely unknown, very human authors in multiple languages, during which time the concepts of gender identity or sexual orientation were formed at only the crudest levels.

The Bible is a product of its time and culture and contains the inherent limitations of its writers. It isn’t an attack or mutiny to admit these things, it is simply being honest with our sacred text. Even fundamentalists and Conservatives understand this. We see it in the way our orthodox Christian understanding and approaches to slavery, women’s rights, mental illness, and divorce have all evolved with what we’ve learned over time. It’s the reason we no longer stone adulterers or accuse paralytics of moral failing or imagine Hell sitting below a flat earth.

This is why arguing incessantly about a handful of parsed out lines of Scripture, as if these verses answer the complex questions of sexuality is such misguided time and such a misuse of the texts themselves. Using these few bits of text to justify discrimination and bigotry is reckless and irresponsible. We don’t rely on the Bible to understand gender identity and sexual orientation for the same reason we don’t rely on a 2,000 year old medical text to understand the circulatory system, or use ancient hieroglyphics to map out the Cosmos. We know that these things are not enough because time has taught us."

As we have seen, Scripture does not really have much to say about homosexuality. Furthermore, we have come to see that homosexual sex within a marriage can fulfill one of the divine ends of sex (i.e. the unitive), and that such a marriage also fits within the traditional Christian understanding of the sacrament of marriage. I would like to leave you with a short story adapted from an oral rendition by Natalie Graber:

Once there was an old man who had to carry water up the hill from the river to his house each day. One of his water jugs, however, had a crack in it, so that, by the time he arrived at the top of the path, most of the water was lost. His neighbors laughed at him: “Why don’t you buy a new water jug?” Even his wife criticized him: “Why don’t you buy a new water jug?” But the man said nothing.

One day, he said to them, “Come with me,” and led them, skeptical but curious, down the path that ran from his back door to the river.

“Almost every day,” said the man to his wide-eyed companions, “on my way to the river, I scatter seeds. On my way home, water leaks from my precious jug to nourish them.”

To their amazement, the entire left side of path was in bloom. A riot of color—flowers of every hue and tone— made the path a paradise.

Is not homosexuality similar to that second jug? It may appear broken from one individual’s limited and restricted perspective, but truly what appears to be “brokenness” is indeed a hidden virtue. Could one even imagine that the jug is not necessarily “broken,” but rather God, out of abundance and creativity, created more than one type of jug for more than one purpose?

On another note, we accept that it is true that we are not only spiritual and mental beings, but also physical and sexual beings. Does it make sense then that a large percent of God’s children should live in denial of a fundamental part of who they are? Should this group be forced to live without the affection and intimacy that comes with committed partnership? Nonetheless, that is precisely what is happening. Homosexuals in the church are not only among the most marginalized groups, but are often victims of violence or driven to suicide because they cannot make sense of their emotions in the light of what they believe or are told their Bible says. Or because of a lack of understanding of what the Bible truly says (or doesn’t say) they are, more often than not, driven to leave the church.

We need to embrace and support this group of people, not despite scripture and tradition, but in light of scripture and tradition. We need to open the doors of the church setting aside our own human prejudices, so that we can truly live according to the law that Christ taught us. The problem, however, is rooted in fear and lack of awareness. Gomes concludes, “The combination of ignorance and prejudice under the guise of morality makes the religious community, and its abuse of scripture in this regard, itself morally culpable.”1

For homosexuals and heterosexuals Christians alike it is imperative to know what the Bible says about homosexuality, as both groups desire to live according to the direction of the Bible, as understood through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. With looming constitutional amendments in opposition to homosexual marriage, and division in the larger Church surrounding this issue, it is our responsibility to be as informed as possible. It is my prayer that we may set aside our fears and prejudices and open our minds and hearts to the truth which the Holy Spirit longs to make known to us all. I offer this study as one seeking that truth. May the Spirit of peace, which surpasses all understanding, guide our hearts and minds as we continue to prayerfully consider this issue."

"SUMMARY OF RECOMMENDATIONS — Five Steps —

1. Protect LGBTI people from violence. Include sexual orientation, gender identity, and sex characteristics as protected grounds in laws on hate crime and incitement to violence. Ensure violent acts are properly recorded and investigated, perpetrators prosecuted and victims provided with redress. Recognize that persecution on account of one’s sexual orientation, gender identity, or sex characteristics may be a valid basis for an asylum claim. 

2. Prevent the torture and ill treatment of LGBTI persons, including degrading physical examinations, so-called “conversion” therapy, forced or coerced sterilization of transgender persons, and medically unnecessary procedures performed on intersex children and adults without their consent. Prohibit and investigate all such acts, punish perpetrators and provide redress to victims. Ensure places of deprivation of liberty are regularly monitored by independent bodies. Provide appropriate training to healthcare providers and law enforcement officers. 

3. Repeal laws that criminalize LGBT persons, including laws criminalizing consensual same-sex relations and expression of gender identity, and other laws used to harass, arbitrarily detain, prosecute and discriminate against persons on the basis of their actual or perceived gender identity or expression or sexual orientation. Ensure that individuals are not arrested or detained on the basis of their sexual orientation or gender identity or expression. 

4. Prohibit and address discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, gender identity and sex characteristics by enacting relevant comprehensive legislation and policies. Legally recognize same-sex couples and their children, without discrimination, and ensure that transgender persons can obtain legal recognition of their gender identity through a simple administrative process without abusive requirements. Ensure nondiscriminatory access to basic services, education, employment, housing and health care. Reform outdated medical classifications that brand LGBTI people as ill or disordered. Combat stigma and discrimination, including through training, education and awareness-raising activities for public officials and the general public. Consult LGBTI people on legislation and policies that affect their rights. 

5. Safeguard freedom of expression, peaceful assembly and association for LGBTI people. Any limitations on these rights must be compatible with international human rights law, including on non-discrimination. Protect individuals who exercise their rights to freedom of expression, and freedom of peaceful assembly and association, including human rights defenders, from acts of violence and discrimination by public officials and private parties and prosecute such acts when they occur."

Sex workers including porn performers are entitled to everything below: 

"I. WHAT IS THE RIGHT TO HEALTH? A. Key aspects of the right to health • The right to health is an inclusive right. We frequently associate the right to health with access to health care and the building of hospitals. This is correct, but the right to health extends further. It includes a wide range of factors that can help us lead a healthy life. The Committee on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights, the body responsible for monitoring the International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights, . Calls these the “underlying determinants of health”. They include: Ø Safe drinking water and adequate sanitation; Ø Safe food; Ø Adequate nutrition and housing; Ø Healthy working and environmental conditions; Ø Health-related education and information; Ø Gender equality. • The right to health contains freedoms. These freedoms include the right to be free from non-consensual medical treatment, such as medical experiments and research or forced sterilization, and to be free from torture and other cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment. • The right to health contains entitlements. These entitlements include: Ø  The right to a system of health protection providing equality of opportunity for everyone to enjoy the highest attainable level of health; Ø The right to prevention, treatment and control of diseases; Ø Access to essential medicines; Ø Maternal, child and reproductive health; Ø Equal and timely access to basic health services; Ø The provision of health-related education and information; Ø  Participation of the population in health-related decision-making at the national and community levels."

"Sex workers' rights encompass a variety of aims being pursued globally by individuals and organizations that specifically involve the human, health, and labor rights of sex workers and their clients. The goals of these movements are diverse, but generally aim to decriminalize and destigmatize sex work, and ensure fair treatment before legal and cultural forces on a local and international level for all persons in the sex industry." "Labor rights or workers' rights are both legal rights and human rights relating to labor relations between workers and employers. These rights are codified in national and international labor and employment law. In general, these rights influence working conditions in relations of employment."

Side note: "I am an ambivert and a bubbly personality. Two of the reasons why I am unchurched is because Constantine came up with Christmas instead of Jesus, the petty battles resulting in denominations, and that lots of church folks didn't marinate on why they gather in the four walls until COVID came."

"All sexual media or entertainment created as such:

Most sexual media or entertainment:

Sometimes you will miss the mark and what you’re doing during sex is not connecting with what your partner wants. That’s okay; it happens. But the difference between a good sex partner and a bad sex partner is that a good one will not merely criticize you for missing the mark, they will give you praise for what you’ve done right to turn them on and give you some gentle suggestions on how to get better.

“It’s crucial that conversations about preferences come from a place of positivity and desire, rather than criticism. Telling your partner everything they’re doing is wrong is, undoubtedly, going to hurt their feelings and cause conflict,” said Mia Sabat, in-house certified sex therapist at Emjoy. “Instead, tell your partner what aspects of your sex life that they’re doing well: Whether it’s the way they kiss you, their ability to turn you on, their spontaneity — let them know they are connecting with your desires, and that you simply want to take your ability to feel pleasure with them a step further. By focusing on the positive aspects and building out from there, you’ll be able to learn from one another in a positive environment that doesn’t feel critical or embarrassing.”

Although getting in touch with our fantasies can help us express ourselves sexually, we don’t want to take that immersion into our minds too far, says Lovehoney sex and relationship expert Dr. Megan Fleming, PhD, because that can take us out of the moment we’re experiencing with our partner. Good lovers know when it’s time to fantasize and when it’s time to be present — giving themselves and their partners the attention they both need in the moment.

“Fantasies can be a great way to get back into an erotic space, that being said, if you’re in your head all the time in a fantasy, your partner usually can tell that — you don’t feel that they’re there and that’s a turn off,” said Fleming. “Being present is that ability to be in our bodies and know this is what feels good and you’re attuned to your partner’s experience and what’s going on for them.”

Personal Strengths ___ Enjoys working independently ___ Has a good sense of his/her personal strengths and  weaknesses ___ Learns from past mistakes ___ Has persistence in carrying out assignments or activities ___ Is courageous in dealing with adversity and/or the  unknown ___ Keeps a personal diary or journal ___ Has a good sense of humor ___ Possesses a sense of responsibility ___ Has strong opinions about controversial topics ___ Marches to the beat of a different drummer ___ Handles stressful events well (e.g. is resilient) ___ Has good character (e.g. honesty, integrity, fairness) ___ Has the ability to set realistic goals for him/herself ___ Has a sense of confidence or high self-esteem ___ Has good self-discipline ___ Has personal ambitions in life ___ Displays good common sense ___ Possesses personal vitality, vigor, or energy.

Side note: There is unaddressed political abuse and unaddressed intimate partner violence inside and outside of the church, my final reason for my staying unchurched.